Warning: Oral Dildo Training

WARNING: Oral Dildo Training Ch. 17

Chapter 17 - Denial, Moodiness, and Depression:

I am Benny and you should have read the previous chapters first before reading further.

I was watching the Sissy Encouragement Hypno videos while 'Practicing' and jerking off at the same time dreaming about sucking cock. But the Sissy Hypno videos were so negative in context that they eventually had a negative effect on me as well. I did not want to be a fag, a sissy, a whore, a slut, a cum receptacle for men, or feminized to be a girl. The more I watched these sissy Hypno videos the more aware I became of the negative connotation of their messages. And for some reason I mistakenly associated this awareness of the negative feelings the Sissy Hypno instilled in me as a side-effect of my desire to suck a real cock.

The more Sissy Hypno videos I watched, the more I became aware of these negative feelings and the more I felt that it was because I had felt that I wanted to suck a real cock. It was not long after that where I began to convince myself that I really did not want to suck a real cock... that I had imagined the whole thing. Or that I had misinterpreted my feelings. It took only a matter of a few more days for me to develop a full-on denial that I had actually believed that I wanted to suck a real cock. I was sure that I must have been mistaken. And I vowed I would stop watching any porn at all anymore and not even 'Practice' anymore. And I was happy with this denial. At least at the start.

But as more time passed slowly, I began to think about sucking cock again. And as more time passed I began to think about it more and more often. And occasionally I caught myself desiring the feeling of a cock in my mouth. Secretly, I wanted to suck on my dildo. I wanted to watch cocksucker encouragement Hypno videos and stroke my cock while doing it. I wanted to suck a cock. But I kept telling myself that I was mistaken and thinking weird. I knew I was lying to myself but I tried to deny what I truly knew I wanted anyway. And as I thought more often about sucking cock the harder the efforts to keep up this denial was on me and I began to become moody and stressed out. I wanted to jerk off to cock while sucking my dildo but I would not allow it and it was stressing me out. I did not know all of this then but I know it now (and I realized that just forcing the absence of cock in my mouth was turning me into quite the asshole).

Then one day, I gave in, pulled up a cocksucker Hypno video, whipped out my already hard cock, and started sucking my dildo furiously as I stroked my cock before I changed my mind. And when I came with that fat dildo deep in my throat like the cocksucker I was, I INSTANTLY felt severe waves of shame wash over me. I tried to convince myself that I was not a cocksucker. That this was not me. That I had just fucked up during a moment of weakness. But it was hard on me and I faltered again and ended up with a cock in my mouth and my dick in my hand as a Hypno played on my laptop.

I felt like something was wrong with me. Like I was a failure as a man. Like the Sissy Hypnos had said I was. And I became quite depressed as I struggled to convince myself that I did NOT want to suck a real cock and the feeling would go away.

But it didn't go away. It just got stronger.

I could not fight it. And like the saying goes, "If you can't beat them, join them." I watched every sissy hypno video I could. I did not care about the message. I did not care that I was now jerking off to a video that was convincing me to suck men's cocks.

Then came that day when I was in my room deepthroating my dildo over and over again while fully naked and stroking my hard cock while watching a sissy hypno video. The video was by someone named Ambersis and was called something like My Sissy Girl Destiny. The message was that the viewer really wants to be a girl. I watched with horny curiosity. The movie got to a point where the girls (and shemales) in the movies were all sucking men's cocks and the narrator would say things like, "It feels so right. This is what you always wanted." Watching the shemales suck men's cock and thinking of me being in the shemale's place sucking a guy's cock was making my cock raging hard! Then the guy in the film turned a shemale over and started to fuck her as the narrator said, "His cock slides in you! It feels so natural!"

And when the movie ended with the guy cumming all over the shemale's face as the captions, "I AM A GOOD SISSY GIRL," written across the screen, I came over and over thinking of having a cock fucking my ass like in the movie!

I felt like a sissy now and this made me even more depressed. And thinking, "Maybe I should just become a sissy... I guess I want that," had me feeling the worst shame you could imagine.