Vampires Will Never Hurt You

You double-click on the email attachment, not even bothering to disguise your sigh of disgust as the video player comes up and you see the familiar logo of the Brighton Broadcast Group. Another stupid pre-taped segment, then. God, they've got you playing one almost every day now. You've tried complaining, but these piece-of-shit propaganda pieces come straight from Harold Brighton himself. They run on forty-seven percent of the 'local' news stations in the country, and you're not going to carve out an exception to that. Not unless you win a few lotteries and can buy WNKG.

Still, at least you can take a look and see what kind of dogshit you're putting on the air today. You click play, bracing yourself for another rant about immigration or unionization or whatever bug got stuck up Hal's ass today. What you get is... different.

[A vaguely martial fanfare of trumpets plays over the segment's logo. 'TALKING POINT', it says, in stark white letters on a red-and-blue striped background. Below, in smaller letters, it says, 'with Kelly McDonnell'. The logo fades into a scene of a Caucasian woman sitting behind a walnut-paneled desk. Her golden-blonde, wavy hair is pulled back in a sober ponytail, and her bright blue eyes shine with sincerity. Her blue dress is the perfect shade to convey a sense of seriousness, while not looking funereal. Her expression does the same.]

KELLY: Hello everyone. I'm Kelly McDonnell, and this... is Talking Point. Tonight, we'll be discussing the startling revelations that occurred last week in the wake of the release of the so-called 'Rafferty Tape'. Although initially doubted by many experts, this recording has been proven genuine, and its implications are clear. Vampires, long thought to be nothing more than creatures of myth and folklore, are real and do exist among us.

[Kelly turns to Camera Two for a close-up. She gazes soulfully at the audience, her lips glistening with a carefully-chosen shade of red lipstick as she continues speaking. She's careful to avoid looking like she's flirting with the camera, but at the same time, she's careful to lean at exactly the right angle to enhance her impressive cleavage.]

KELLY: We here at Talking Point want you all to know that we understand how you must be feeling. This is a very frightening time for America, and many of you are no doubt deeply concerned about the safety of your loved ones after discovering this startling new information. We want to cut through the rampant misinformation and rumor spread by under-informed liberal politicians and get to the truth about these 'hidden Americans'. To that end, we've undertaken an extraordinary mission. We've reached out to the vampire community... and tonight, Talking Point will bring an actual vampire on the air to put an end to the confusion and lies once and for all. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce my very special guest... David Brighton.

[The view switches back to Camera One, which is pulled out to give a wider view of the Talking Point set. A Caucasian man dressed in a sober, charcoal-grey suit walks out from the wings, crosses to shake hands with Kelly, then sits down next to her. His face is pale, but not conspicuously so, and his chestnut hair is slicked back from his forehead. He doesn't look particularly young, or particularly old-his face has the same ageless, slightly weathered quality that his brother George possesses. He smiles thinly, not allowing his lips to show.]

DAVID: Thank you for having me, Kelly. I will say, it's a little nerve-wracking, being out here in the spotlight. I'm very grateful to you for giving me this chance to speak.

KELLY: I understand, and I'm grateful to you for having the courage to join us today. That's actually the first point I'd like to discuss with you, David-you said backstage to me that vampires hide for their own protection, isn't that right?

DAVID: Oh, absolutely. Many of the harmful superstitions about vampires portray us as some sort of deadly monster, a predator that hunts unsuspecting humans in the dark of night. [He chuckles lightly.] With a reputation like that, even the 'tolerant left' would be calling for a stake through our heart if we lived openly among you. They might be happy to welcome gays and lesbians into their 'big tent', but even the most patriotic vampire has had to be very careful about who they share their secrets-

You pause the tape. After a moment, you realize your jaw is hanging open in astonishment, and you force yourself to swallow. David Brighton? David fucking Brighton, one of the most powerful shipping magnates on the East Coast and brother to the owner of half of America's television stations and two-thirds of the radio stations and newspapers, is a motherfucking vampire? It doesn't take you more than a second to connect the dots, either. Hal is notoriously publicity-shy; ninety percent of the public doesn't even recognize his name. But a few minutes of Googling digs up a picture of him from 1993. He hasn't aged a day. You always thought it was plastic surgery, cheap dye, and vanity, but... your boss is a vampire.

The Rafferty tape must have scared the shit out of them, if one of them is making a public appearance like this. That explains the segments you got last week about 'liberal hysteria' and 'fake news'; they were trying to discredit Deonna Rafferty when they found out they couldn't silence her. And now that they can't even do that, they're down to Plan C-spin some bullshit and hope people believe it. Okay, they're good at that, no question, but... 'harmful superstitions'? Nobody's going to buy this. You hit play again, already picturing Americans everywhere sharpening their stakes.

DAVID: -with.

KELLY: So vampires pose no threat to the general population, then?

DAVID [laughing]: Oh, goodness, no, Kelly! The vampire population is less than 1,000 worldwide, and we really don't need very much blood at all! The average person donates more blood in a year than the average vampire drinks in a century. For us, the process of feeding is more symbolic than real, a sort of ritual that sustains us, if you will. Here, Kelly. [He smiles reassuringly, and the irises of his eyes change in hue from hazel to a deep, wine-colored red.] Give me your wrist for a moment, and I'll show you that there's really nothing to be afraid of.

KELLY [looking theatrically nervous]: Are... are you sure it's safe? [Her hand moves slowly across the desk as she speaks, almost as if she's not aware she's doing it.]

DAVID: Absolutely. I'm using a vampiric gift right now to numb the nerves in your arm so that you won't feel any pain at all-that's the origin of the so-called 'hypnotic powers' of the vampire, but it's really very harmless. It's even somewhat pleasant, isn't it, Kelly?

KELLY [breathing slightly faster]: Um, it's... yes, it's very pleasant. [Her eyes look like she's forgotten which camera to look into, and she squirms ever so slightly as she extends her wrist fully and places it into the palm of David's hand. She has a tiny, distant smile on her face, like she's lost in a happy memory, and her breasts quiver just a little as she takes in a deep, shuddering breath.] I... I think I'm ready now, David.

DAVID: Of course you are, my dear. [The camera zooms in tightly on the back of his head as he leans in to kiss Kelly's wrist. There's an instant where the camera flickers, so brief that you have to rewind and watch again several times to notice the edit, and then it pulls back out as David withdraws a few seconds later. Kelly has two tiny pinpricks marking the veins in her wrists. She also looks noticeably paler.] See? You didn't feel a thing, did you?

KELLY: No, you... [Her eyelids are drooping, and she looks exhausted. No, not exhausted. Drained.] You had wonderful self-control. That could only have been a few drops.

DAVID: Exactly. [He smiles thinly. His face looks significantly more flushed.] You see? Despite the hysteria being propagated in the liberal press, vampires don't need to [makes airquotes while speaking the next word] 'attack' anyone to meet all their needs. This is just another case of liberals taking the same old tired attacks and giving them a fresh coat of paint, courtesy of George Soros and his operatives. They've been looking for an excuse to go after America's job creators, and it wouldn't surprise me if they tried to claim every conservative in the country was a 'vampire' before this was over.

KELLY [visibly swaying in her chair]: That would be... so typical of the lying liberal press. [She shivers, and visibly leans on the desk for support.] So you're saying that, that none of the old wives' tales about vampires are true? You can't... turn into mist, or control animals, or hypnotize people?

DAVID [chuckling]: All myths, I'm afraid. Believe me, I wish I could control animals-it would make my wife a lot happier if I could keep Rover off the furniture! No, in almost every way that counts, vampires are just like your average person walking down the street. Longer-lived, perhaps, and with a few unusual dietary habits, but you're safer with a vampire on the Upper East Side of Manhattan than you are with a human being in the South Side of Chicago.

[Kelly nods. Her eyes have lost a good deal of their sparkle, and look unfocused as she stares directly at David with a direct, unblinking gaze. Her mouth hangs slightly open, and even though she continues to shiver uncontrollably, she still has that same vague, distant smile on her face.]

KELLY: That's... good to hear. So the calls by. Um. By Democrats for... [Kelly trails into silence for a long moment, her body listing heavily to the side before David gives her a surreptitious tug back to an upright position.] Um... for an investigation into police conduct related to so-called 'vampire activity', they're just... just...?

DAVID: Just more liberal attack politics. They're trying to drum up some sort of smear that they can use to distract people from the real concerns of everyday Americans, and this 'vampire conspiracy' they've cooked up is more of the same nonsense from the same lying crooks who beat the drum for Russian collusion. Our blue heroes out there are solving every crime they can, but sometimes people go missing and there aren't any leads. That doesn't mean they've been spirited away by vampires, and it certainly doesn't mean that the police are helping to cover up these imaginary 'bite victims' that the libs are so hysterical over. It makes me sick to hear accusations like this, Kelly. It really does. Doesn't it make you sick?

KELLY [in a blank monotone]: Yes. It makes me sick too.

DAVID: And that's why, if I can take a moment to address America directly, it's important not to believe everything you read in the papers about this supposed 'vampire menace'. [He turns to look directly at the camera, and his eyes take on an even deeper reddish cast.] We live in a confusing, scary world, and sometimes it's difficult to know who to trust. The daily news can make you feel helpless, lost, and adrift in a world that offers very few anchors to hang on to. Even right now, you're probably feeling desperate for something certain in this uncertain time, needing so badly for something to believe in.

[He smiles warmly. The camera pulls in tighter and tighter on his face. There is a faint, muffled thump from off-screen, as if something fell off of a chair onto the floor.]

DAVID: You can believe this-vampires will never hurt you. We're not some kind of horrifying monster, we're not a predator or a murderer or a cold-blooded killer. We're friendly, normal people that you can always feel safe and comfortable around, no matter what happens. Yes, we have a few gifts that normal humans don't have, but we're not all-powerful. If someone tells you that a vampire can hypnotize anyone who stares into his eyes, even through a television screen, well... you'll just know that's nonsense, right? You've never been hypnotized. You trust vampires because vampires are trustworthy, that's all. You want to protect America's vampire population, because you understand that everything you do to help a vampire makes America stronger. It makes you so happy to trust vampires. To do everything you can to help them. To let them into your lives and homes and make them welcome. There's no need to be afraid anymore. Feel all that fear, all that anxiety just... float away? It's being replaced by warmth and comfort now. Remember that, next time someone tries to tell you that vampires are dangerous. Thank you, America, and good night.

[The Talking Point logo returns. a chyron running along the bottom of the screen reads, 'Kelly McDonnell will be on vacation for two weeks. Guest commentator David Brighton will be hosting Talking Point while she is away.']

The video stops. You stare at the black screen for a long moment, seeing nothing but the reflection of your own face in the monitor. There's something familiar about your expression-the dull eyes, the unblinking stare, the slack jaw, the tiny smile-but you can't think of what it is. You've got more important things on your mind, like making sure this segment gets inserted properly into tonight's news broadcast. This is the kind of thing you want to make sure your viewers see, an antidote to all the sensationlism and lies about vampires going out on the national news. You're so glad you have an outlet to get the truth out. You're so glad you work for the Brightons, and not that goddamn rag Deonna Rafferty writes for.

Your hands move automatically to open the editing software. Your eyes are open, but you're not really seeing the screen in front of you. You're not even thinking about what you just saw. No, in the privacy of your head... you're already picturing David Brighton's eyes on tomorrow's Talking Point.

THE END