It felt like this had become our nightly routine. We were lying in bed together, and Michelle was scrolling through Instagram on her phone. I reached over to caress her leg. She ignored my touch. I moved closer, attempting to kiss her. She knew what I had in mind. "Not tonight, honey. I'm not feeling it."
Not tonight, not *any* night. I thought to myself in frustration. I considered saying what I was really feeling, but I decided against it. It's not worth causing a fight over, I told myself. I'll just wait until next week when her period starts. That's when her hormone levels make it more likely she might want sex. Although I didn't enjoy having sex on her period, I'd grown to accept it. I'd lay down a towel and shower to wash the blood off afterward. Besides, it wasn't all bad. The blood makes her feel extra wet down there. In my mind, I would sometimes fantasize that the extra wetness was not from her blood but rather because I turned her on so much. That thought usually brought me to orgasm.
Still, it had been weeks since we last had sex and I wanted it badly. "Please, honey, I really need you." She instantly swatted my hand away, "Babe, I said not tonight," she scolded me.
I sighed. Fine. I'll just get myself off so I can focus on other things. I closed my eyes and began to imagine my wife. Despite her rejections, the truth is my wife remains the only woman who has ever truly turned me on. I imagined she was full of lust and passion for me. I recalled what our sex life had been like when we first started dating. I began to covertly stroke myself under the bedsheets. As my pleasure intensified, my mind went to my secret fantasies. I imagined us doing things together that I knew she would consider far too dirty to do in real life. Things I could never even speak about with her. Things I only imagined--
"Are you masturbating?!" Her harsh tone of voice broke my concentration. I must have been too obvious. "Can you please do that in the other room? I'm trying to watch something." The Instagram video she had been watching finished and began once again to repeat the latest celebrity gossip about Blake Lively. By now I was past the point of not finishing, so I rolled out of bed and shamefully walked into the other room. I quickly finished myself off and returned to bed. She continued to stare at her phone without acknowledging my return. I fell asleep to the all too familiar sense of self-loathing that came from the crushing realization that the woman I wanted so badly didn't feel the same way about me.
The next day was our weekly appointment with our marriage counselor. We'd been in couples counseling for a few months now. I had found Bethany Miller Marriage Therapy from her reviews online. Reviewers raved about her, describing her as having a particular talent for assisting relationships that struggled with bedroom intimacy issues. A few mentioned a particular prescription she had offered that had saved their marriage. I found that odd since she was a couple's counselor and only psychiatrists could prescribe medication. I just shrugged it off, assuming it was referring to some useful piece of advice she had given.
During our therapy session, I brought up what had happened the evening before. I explained how her rejection of my sexual advances made me feel unloved and unattractive. To my surprise Michelle didn't argue with me. She promised that she loved me and still found me attractive. However, she explained how her physical desires had waned over the years and how my advances made her feel pressure to perform something she wasn't physically able to do, which in turn made her feel inadequate.
"Time's up," Bethany Miller announced, concluding our session for the day. As we were leaving her office, Bethany Miller pulled me aside, "Could we speak in private for a moment?"
That's odd, she's never done that before. Michelle waited outside. When we were alone, she spoke quickly. "There's something that has helped a lot of married couples in your situation." She scribbled a note on a piece of paper, folded it, and handed it to me. "There's an address on the paper. Go there tomorrow morning. Alone. Bring the note along with both of your wedding rings. Don't tell anyone, including Michelle. Trust me on this." Before I could ask any questions, she pushed me out of the office.
"What was that all about?" Michelle asked with a mix of curiosity of suspicion.
"Something about billing." Bethany Miller had told me not to tell anyone. This was the best I could come up with on the spot. "She wanted me to know she's switching to a different billing service." Thankfully, Michelle seemed to accept the explanation.
As soon as we got home, I went into the other room. I unfolded the paper she had given me and stared at it:
5218 NE 195th St
Gunton, CA
Weekends. 9-12
Signed,
Bethany Miller, LMFT
Don't forget to bring your wedding rings.
Just as she had said, the note contained an address along with specific instructions to bring our wedding rings. I looked up the address online and it appeared to belong to a small unmarked storefront sandwiched between two larger buildings. Very strange.
The next day was Saturday. I told Michelle I would be out running some errands that morning and I offered to have her wedding ring cleaned while I was out. She happily handed it to me without a second thought.
I followed the directions on my phone. As I got closer, I realized this wasn't a safe area of town. What had I gotten myself into? I parked on a nearby street and followed the walking directions on my phone. It took me down a narrow brick alleyway to worn metal door. I was tempted to turn around and forget about the whole thing but I reminded myself that our therapist had told me to trust her. Besides, I was already here.
I knocked and the metal door produced a sound much louder than I had intended. From inside came the sound of movement. Shortly thereafter, a small slot on the door slid open. "What can I do for you?" a man asked with a firm voice.
"You know, that's the damnest thing," I said. "I actually don't know what I'm here for. I was just given a slip of paper with an address and told to go there."
"Do you have your prescription with you?"
"My what?"
"The paper. Did you bring the piece of paper that sent you here?"
"This?" I held out the folded piece of paper that had the address, along with the signature of our therapist.
"Yes, that. Very good. And did you bring the rings?"