Friday
***
I woke to a pounding headache and a raging erection. Groaning, I dragged myself out of bed and back into the shower, scrubbing the hot, feverish dreams away. I got out to check my phone and learned- accompanied by a sudden shot of fear-laced adrenalin- that I'd somehow slept through my alarm and I was late for work.
Sorry, late for work
again
. I shoved on my clothes and rushed back into the bathroom to brush my teeth before stopping and staring. I was pale, my hair a tousled mess that stuck out at odd angles. My eyes were dark and shadowy. The fever-haze was still there, shimmering at the edges of my vision. I felt drunk, my mind slow, my vision disconnected as though I was seeing the world through a camera feed. I stared at my reflection and for a heartbeat I saw something hovering over my shoulder; a shimmer like a heat-haze that wavered and flickered-
I blinked it was gone. I finished brushing my teeth and rushed out the door-
And nearly collided with Ms. Kumar. She backed away, dark almond eyes narrowed. "Watch it!"
"Sorry."
"You nearly hit me!" Her lips curled and twisted like two dying worms as she brushed down her suit.
"Sorry."
"You look sick." She peered at me. "Are you sick?"
"I'm fine," I said, feeling not fine at all, "Just a little heat stroke from yesterday."
"Hmph." She paused. "If you're sick, don't pass it on."
"I'm not sick."
"You look sick," she repeated, clearly feeling that her views on the matter overruled my own. "Please stay away from us. My daughter is very busy in her studies and can't afford to get sick." She turned and walked away down the corridor towards the lift. As she did, I noticed the way her ass- round, big and surprisingly pert for a woman her age- shifted underneath her black skirt, just the slightest bit of wobble visible underneath the material. The shimmer around the edges of my vision swelled-
Ms. Kumar stopped short. She turned and blinked, mouth opening and closing. I pretended to have a sudden and overriding interest in my flat door until she entered the elevator. Then I ran for the stairs.
I braved the Tube, got out at Bank, took a moment to hit Pret and wolf down a sausage roll before I arrived at the forbidding tower of gleaming glass that I called my workplace.
Alright then. It was Friday morning. All I had to do was get in, manage my workload and get out. One workday- eight hours, including a half-hour lunch that every single one of my ridiculously over-competent work colleagues ignored- and then I was free, barring any semi-regular work texts over the weekend. I could do this.
***
From: GTennyson@corporatehell.co.uk
To: SPliskin@corporatehell.co.uk
Subject: Please come into my office right now.
I stared at the email and felt the sinking sensation in my stomach turn into a hollow, lightless abyss.
There are all sorts of living hells. There's the hell of a disintegrating relationship, where you burn yourself out trying to salvage a pairing that died months ago. There's the hell of being alone at school, tearing out chunks of yourself in a desperate, fruitless attempt to fit in. There's the hell of an older brother with a cruel streak and no parental oversight-
-Look, what I'm saying is while I don't pretend to be able to win the hard life Olympics any time soon, you shouldn't have had to go into work, like I did, with the same sort of dread you'd feel heading out to receive a beating.
The job wasn't the problem. It was a bank job, it was a fast-track-to-riches job, it was the sort of job that people killed for. The problem, as always, was me.
I sighed, rose from my desk and looked around me. Surrounding me were dozens of men and women, each one of them the sort who had watched the
Wolf of Wall Street
when they were younger and saw their own prophesized futures. I walked past cubicles like a lamb tip-toeing through a wolf-pack.
Ms. Tennyson's office was small but she- a young black woman- had one in a workplace full of monstrously arrogant self-described male alphas, which spoke volumes about her fearsomeness. She scowled at me as I entered the room. "Shut the door."
I sat down and did my best not to cower. She glowered at me.
The weird thing was, as worried as I was, I found my mind wandering. Part of it was the lingering, not-quite-real effects of the haze that still clung to the edges of my consciousness. It blunted the fear, giving it a strange, dreamlike quality; it was a nightmare that I knew was a nightmare.
She spoke in that low, soft voice of hers. "I was hoping that we wouldn't have to have another talk."
"I know," I said. It was so
hard
to concentrate on her words. Her office was stuffy- no, stifling. Was every air conditioner in the city broken? I shifted, aware that I was sweating under my shirt.
"I could talk to you about your lateness. About your missed quotas- again." Her eyes were calm, her voice even but there was no mistaking the iron in her tone. "About the way that you're not meshing with the team."
"I know." She waited and I wished, I really, really wished, that I had more to say; some promise to do better that I hadn't already made or plan to improve that I hadn't already pitched. An excuse even, about why I was so bad at this job.
"We took you on based on your brother's recommendation." I actually
did
cringe at the mention at Daniel. "But so far I feel that you've failed to deliver on the promises that you made-" She saw my expression and her frown deepened. "Listen, Sam. I don't want you to think that I'm being overly cruel. But we have to be realistic..."
I said something agreeable and apologetic while the heat pinned me to my chair. Her words became muted and distant against the roar of distant flames. I wanted to be sorry, I