"Cancer? I have Cancer?"
I sat, numb, in complete disbelief, as my doctor explained the findings of the tests he had recently run.
I went to the doctor for what seemed to be a minor ailment. One test lead to another test, and then another, and yet another. Now I was sitting here before my doctor as he explained that I had a treatable, but not curable form of cancer. This cancer would drastically shorten my life.
"Hell Doc, I'm only 47. I eat right, exercise, don't smoke and rarely drink. How can this happen to me?" I questioned. My wife sat in the chair next to me, crying.
He went on to explain that there were no real explanations for the cause of my type of cancer. He also educated me on the cancer, how it is slow growing, wide spreading and very persistent. Normally he would take a "Wait and See" approach to monitor the progression, but due to the extent of the cancer in my body, he wanted to become much more aggressive in combating the disease.
He suggested we start right away and he asked permission to use some experimental drugs to see if we could beat back the cancer to buy me some time. While the experimental drugs would be used in conjunction with already proven drugs, the overall side effects were not fully known. What we did know, however, is that I was at the point where survival without extreme and aggressive treatment was less than a 50/50 chance of making it through the year.
"Let's do it," I told him. My wife nodded her agreement.
The treatments were physically and emotionally draining. Each treatment tore me down more and more, to the point I had no energy or mental drive left. Finally, after 6 months of basically "killing" my body, treatments were done.
"It looks like we got it all for now," my doctor said, with a bit of joy in his voice. "You handled the treatments better than I had hoped. Probably because you were in such good shape when the cancer was discovered," he added. "Now we start the long process of rebuilding your strength and monitoring you for any return of the cancer. My staff and I have now become a permanent part of your life"
At this point you would think that I would be overjoyed, but to tell you the truth, I was ambivalent to how I felt. Due to the severity of the treatments, I was unable to work much of the time I was in treatment, which meant I lost my business in the process. Along with the loss of the business came the loss of my income, which resulting in the foreclosure of our home. On top of all of that, my drive to succeed was gone. I didn't know how I was ever going to recover from this tragedy. Perhaps death would have been easier.
The next several weeks were grueling. I had very little energy and had no desire to do anything. Our world was collapsing around us, financially, and I was unable to do anything about it, or even care.
One morning I woke up and it was as though everything changed. Well, not everything, as financially we were still in the dumps, but my attitude was different. I started to feel "normal" again. Not completely normal, maybe, but definitely better.
This progress continued for several more weeks. Each day I could tell I was feeling better. I started to exercise again and I was mentally ready to go out and try to find a job. I didn't think I had the energy to try to start a business from scratch again, but if I could at least get something to help pay the bills until I could recover, that would be great.
Then the most amazing thing happened. It is still a complete mystery as to how it happened, but it happened.
It was morning and my wife was getting ready to go to her job as a receptionist at an insurance company. She was finishing up "fixing" her hair before she left, when I heard her say something about the need to cut her hair.
"What'd you say, Babe," I called out.
"Nothing," she replied.
I figured she had just been talking to herself so continued getting ready for my day of job hunting, again. (Man this economy sucks)
As she finished her hair, she turned in the mirror, looking herself over one last time. "I'm fat. This looks awful on me. Oh well, I don't have time to change now," I heard her say.
"You're not fat," I responded.
"What?" she said, looking at me with a question mark on her face.
"You're not fat. You look great," I replied.
"Thanks," she said, a bit quizzical.
Then I heard her say something again, only this time I was looking right at her and I did not see her lips move. I stood there, not saying anything, but now I had the quizzical look on my face. I could hear her talking to herself. Her mouth was not moving, but I could hear her speaking loud and clear. It had to be a delusion.
"What's the matter?" she asked as she noticed the look on my face.
"Um, nothing, Babe. Nothing. Just...just thinking of something," I muttered.
She gave me a kiss and headed out the door.
"Wow, what was that?" I said to myself after she left. I was in shock. Confusion, disbelief and maybe even a bit of fear filled my mind. Fear that I might really be losing it mentally.
The rest of the day went pretty normal. I did not hear any "voices" in my head, but I was looking forward to that evening to see if I things repeated themselves. To my disappointment, or maybe relief, they did not. "I had to be imagining things," I told myself that night.
About a week and a half went by without any more experiences hearing things, then it happened again. I was still confused, but this time I was not in shock. Instead, I started to analyze what was happening. I listened while my wife spoke, without moving her lips, about how she looked, how she felt that morning, the concerns she had for the day. Her mind was running a million miles a minute and I could hear all of it. Amazing.
After she had left for work, I sat down on the couch and ran the scenarios through my mind. I could not come up with an answer, and really did not know if it was real or just my imagination going crazy. So, I decided to run some tests.
I quickly got dressed I drove down to the grocery store to find out if I could hear other peoples thoughts. Once at the store, I mentally prepared myself for both the potential for a letdown and the possibility of sensory overload. I walked into the building.
Inside, the sound of voices was everywhere. Not loud, but constant. It was like being in a room full of people who were talking with each other. I found that I could tune out some voices and focus on those that were close by. I cautiously followed people around the store, listening to their thoughts. This was incredible. It is amazing the plethora of thought and emotion that goes through the minds of people. Everything from joy and sorrow, to concern and relief flooded through my mind as I listened to the thoughts of others.
I returned home to contemplate what I was experiencing. It had to be a side effect of the cancer treatments. There really was no other answer. The doc even said that they did not know what the side effects might be and with the customized mixture of drugs he gave me, maybe that was it. How would I ever know and would it last?
During the next week the "Gift", as I came to call it, sporadically manifested itself. There was no way of telling when it would occur or when it would leave. By the week after that, however, it was with me all the time. In fact, I could actually start to sense a person's thoughts in a way that was more than just verbal communication. It was as though there were a connection between us. That connection did not control me, but I was aware of it.
The morning of my greatest discovery started as many the last two weeks had. I could hear my wife talking to herself as she readied for work. The mental connection seemed stronger today and that is when I got an idea to test that connection.
I watched my wife for a few moments, dressed in a professional but rather boring business suit, when the thought came to my mind that I wished she didn't wear underwear. I find panty lines to be a real turnoff, but my wife is really conservative and only likes full brief style underwear. While watching her I tried to transfer the thought of removing her underwear for the day.