The Devil's Bargain

- "Lisa?"

- "Hello, Dan. Merry Christmas."

I was too surprised to know what to say. "I thought you weren't coming home for Christmas."

- "I was, and then I wasn't. It's a long story. May I come in?"

I quickly apologized, and invited her inside.

- "When did you get in? Can I get you something to drink? Or to eat?"

- "Just a glass of water, please. I got here a couple of hours ago. I ate and showered at Mom and Dad's."

Seeing her now, like this, gave me a bit of a shock. Lisa had changed. That is, she looked older, and more mature. It shouldn't have come as a surprise; she was 27 now. I hadn't seen her since Mom's funeral, but that was only a little over a year ago. Yet she carried herself a little differently, now - more ... confidently? Authoritatively?

- "Congrats again on passing your comprehensive exams. What am I saying? Not just passing - nailing them." Lisa had passed with distinction - the equivalent of an A+, from what I was told. Anna and George were very, very proud.

- "Thanks, Dan." she said. "But aren't you just a little curious why I'm here? Maybe we should sit down for this."

I sat down on the couch. Lisa chose to take the armchair opposite me, with the coffee table between us.

"I'm still pretty angry." she said. "I may say some unpleasant things."

- "Angry? Did I ... did I do something to upset you?"

- "No! Good grief, no. I'm not angry at you, Dan. I'm pissed off at Holly."

- "Holly?"

Lisa shook her head. "Wait - let me tell it from the beginning. I told you: it's a bit of a long story. I've known who Holly is, and what she meant to you, for a long time."

- "You did? Oh ... your Dad." George was a notorious blabbermouth, and had been assiduously following my dating history ever since ... well, Holly.

- "Yeah. So I knew who Holly was, but she knew about me, too. I don't know how much you told her. We had a pretty good conversation at your Mom's funeral."

- "Oh?"

- "Five of us. Brenda, Sue, Holly, Gabrielle and me."

- "I remember." I had gone into the living room, only to find five of my ex-girlfriends talking. My first impression was one of awe; I had never

ever

expected to even

have

five ex-girlfriends. But I was both curious and nervous about what they had in common - other than me.

- "She told me that you turned her down when you were seeing Aarti, but that after you two split, you went to Calgary, and 'rocked Holly's world' - her expression." said Lisa. "Then you turned her down again when you were with me."

- "Aarti and I were exclusive. Just as you and I were."

- "I know. I'm just telling you what Holly said. She also told us about your spa weekend, when you were dating three girls at once - so, obviously

not

exclusive. But then you kept it platonic with Holly when you were with Gabrielle."

- "Yes."

- "So now I'm going to tell you some more of the things that were said in that room that night. Brenda thinks the world of you. She's still completely in awe of you - but she would never cheat on Pete. Sue is still punishing herself for messing up your relationship. She knows what she did, and she keeps wondering if you could ever forgive her and get back together."

I had thought about the same thing, several times. "No." I said.

- "That's what she thinks, too. Gabrielle adores you. She knows that you pushed her to go home, rather than stay with you in a place where she wasn't happy. She thinks that you walk on water, too."

- "Hardly." I have to admit, though - it was nice to hear.

- "So the topic shifted. We were talking about you, and our relationships with you. Gabrielle asked if anyone was going to stay with you, after the wake. To 'offer you comfort' - that's how she put it."

- "Oh?"

- "Sex, Dan. Gabrielle was asking who was going to stay and have sex with you. She was obviously volunteering to be the one, but she didn't put it forcefully enough. Holly jumped in. That's when she told us about all your adventures together. She was your first, after Connie, and then again, after Aarti, and after me. She stressed your loyalty to your exclusive relationships. But she also told us that you and she had never really broken up - that once she got her job situation sorted out, you would be together again."

- "She said that?"

- "She did." said Lisa. "We believed her. Gabrielle decided to stay over that night, just in case it didn't work out between Holly and you. But I also decided that Holly had the better claim on you."

- "Claim?"

- "Dibs? As in 'I saw him first'? Don't guys do that, too? If your friend said he was interested in a girl, you wouldn't go after her, would you? Isn't that part of the code?"

I could only nod.

"Holly was first, after your wife - and several times after that. It was clear to all of us that you two had unfinished business."

- "Wait - are you saying that if not for Holly,

you

would have stayed, and ..."

- "Yes, Dan. I would've offered you comfort, that night. Or any night."

Yes, I heard her. I just couldn't believe that she'd said it.

- "Lisa, you ...?"

- "Let me finish my story, Dan. We can discuss that later. The point is, Gabrielle and I stepped aside so that Holly could be the one to go to your room. She made it clear that this wasn't just a one-time thing - that she was going to move heaven and earth to resume her relationship with you."

- "Umm ..." Holly had indeed 'comforted' me that night. But I hadn't heard much from her since then, until she offered to spend the week with me over the holidays - and then cancelled at the last minute.

- "I wasn't happy about how slowly she was going. Dad kept me informed - he was pretty sure that you weren't seeing anyone regularly. I got in touch with Holly, and asked her what the hold-up was."

- "You did?"

- "I was willing to give her a clear run, Dan. That didn't mean that I was going to wait forever. I was going to come home for Christmas, until Holly finally told me that she was going to be with you from Boxing Day until past New Year's Eve. Well ... I knew where you'd be on Boxing Day."

- "At your parents' house."

- "Right. And at that stage, I wasn't sure that I could handle seeing you with Holly."

- "Lisa, I don't understand. You ..." She sounded as if she was still interested in me. But I'd broken off our relationship, and used the Broken Hearts clause on her - just as I

hadn't

with Holly.

- "Mom called me on Boxing Day, to tell me that you had arrived -

without

Holly. That she had cancelled because of some thing at work. I was furious. I booked the first flight I could get."

I could only look at her, completely stunned. I'm not especially slow, but it had taken me a while to realize what Lisa was saying. My ex-girlfriends had been in contact, and had agreed to give Holly the first shot at me. But I hadn't missed the fact that Lisa had been willing to have sex with me after Mom's wake.

"So now I need to ask you an important question. And I need to hear the honest answer - not what you think I want to hear, but what you really feel."

She was very serious. I nodded. "Go ahead."

- "Here it is: are you willing to wait for Holly, Dan?"

- "

Wait

for her?"

- "Holly told us that the only reason you two hadn't stayed together was because she put her career first. But she also swore that that was going to change. Apparently, she's not quite ready to pull the trigger yet. So I'll repeat my question: are you willing to wait for her?"

It was a valid question. I'd spent the past two days thinking about it. I'd already come to my own conclusion.

- "I don't think that Holly will ever change." I said. "So, no - I'm not going to wait. If her priorities

do

change, and I'm single at the time ... that might make a difference."

Lisa must have been holding her breath, because she let it out with a long sigh.

- "Can I ask you another question, then?"

- "Of course."

- "What about me? Would you wait for me?"

- "You ...?"

- "Yes." she said.

- "You came for me."

- "Yes. I want you."

- "But ..." This was

not

what I'd expected when I opened my door. Only a few days ago, I'd been nursing the hope that Holly was ready to 'settle down' - that we might be able to have an exclusive relationship where her job didn't come first, second, and third.

Now Lisa was offering me the same thing? In her case, I knew that she wouldn't put her work first all of the time. But I hadn't even thought of a future with Lisa. And then the age difference between us still loomed large.

- "I hope that you won't bring up my age again, Dan. I'm 27. Holly is 32. If you're robbing the cradle with me, you're still robbing the kindergarten class with her. She's going to be in Windsor - three hours away. I'm moving back here."

- "What? Here?"

- "I'm going to be awarded my Doctorate in March. I've already been offered an Associate Professorship at the University here. I start in July. You were a factor in my decision to accept - not the

only

factor, but an important one."

- "But ... what about Paul?"

- "We lasted less than a year, Dan. It's funny: when I was with you, I knew - in my head - that there were other good men out there. You had given me a year, after which I would have to look for someone that I could be with - even if it took me a long time to find him. Then I met Paul. He was wonderful, except for one thing: he wasn't you."

Lisa was still in love with me. I didn't think that it was possible, after our breakup and my invoking of the Broken Hearts clause. But if all five of them still had feelings for me - Lisa, Brenda, Sue and Gabrielle, as well as Holly - then there was something I didn't understand about Tansa's magic.

I hadn't expected either of Lisa's questions, but the second one truly threw me for a loop. It put me on the defensive; I felt like I was staggering backwards, trying to get my feet back under me before I fell on my ass.

- "I ... I don't know what to say."

- "I understand." she said. "It's been a rough few days for you, and now I show up and dump all of this in your lap. I'm sorry, Dan. I was ... angry. I didn't stop to think if there was a better way to do this."

- "I'm not sure that there was." I said. "I'm the one who's sorry, Leece - I ..."

- "You need time to think." said Lisa. She smiled. "Yes, I know you, Daniel Pilgrim."

She did. And then Lisa stood up. "I won't bother you any more tonight."

- "Wait - you don't have to go." I felt bad; she'd flown all the way from Victoria, and then rushed over here. It seemed callous to let her go so soon.

- "I do, though. You need time to process this. I'll be at my parents' when you're ready to talk."

I walked her to the door.

- "I ... I'm glad you came. I think that I'm in shock, right now, but ... it was wonderful of you to come all this way ... for me."

- "Of course I did. You're a beautiful man, Dan."

- "Oh, I wouldn't say that."

- "Accept the compliment, and know that I love you." she said.

She was gone before I could remember why her words struck me so forcefully: I'd said precisely the same thing to her, almost five years ago, during our time together.

***

She was too young for me -

that

I knew. Kayla and Lily were too young for me, too. Not too young to have sex with, obviously, but ... for a relationship. Yet Lisa had little in common with those two. She was more mature than most of the women I'd been with since meeting Tansa.

I'd initially resisted Lisa because of my concerns about her age, and because of my relationship with her parents. Well, Anna didn't seem to mind - she'd actively assisted her daughter, to make sure that I would be at home.

I had no trouble remembering our time together as one of the best years of my life, despite the floods in my house and Mom's. Mom had also fallen, and suffered a concussion - and Lisa had been there the whole time to offer support and concrete help.

We'd had fun together: great conversations, and shared moments of silence when she instinctively knew that she didn't have to say anything. We hadn't parted because of any conflict between our personalities, or any shortcomings on either of our parts. She had to go away, to advance her career, just as Holly had.

She had tried to get over me, and to find someone else. It came as something of a shock to discover that she'd been with Paul for less than twelve months; I thought they'd been a couple for more than two years.

Lisa still loved me?

What on earth was I supposed to do? I was back in the same spot as five years before, when I was afraid to start dating Lisa because she was too young. That was the crux of the matter. I was 49, she was 27. The numbers seemed obscene to me.

Yet I'd had no qualms about bedding Monica, or Brenda, Kim or Gabrielle. I couldn't picture myself in a long-term relationship with any of those four - for a variety of reasons. Why did I have such a problem with Lisa?

I knew what I needed, right this moment. I called Tansa.

- "Holidays, Dan." she said. "What part of holidays do you not understand?"

- "I need to talk to you now, Tansa." I said.

- "Right. Holly didn't show up, but Lisa did."

I nearly choked. "You

know

that?"

- "Of course I know." she said. "I also know that this is

your

problem to work out. Your decision. I'll talk to you in January, as promised." With that, Tansa hung up on me.

As you might imagine, I tied myself in knots thinking about Lisa. I thought about Holly, too, and realized that I was almost as angry at her as Lisa was. Why did she persist in putting her career first, above all, while insisting that she wanted to change? I'd sacrificed my career several times, for Connie ... and then I heard a voice in my ear, whispering '

And how did that work out for you, Danny?

'

I wasted a day and another night. I needed to clear my head, so I went out for a walk. It was bitterly cold, and I had to wear a scarf over my face, tied around my tuque. The air was 'brisk', as Mom would have put it - meaning that it was cold enough to form little icicles on your eyelashes. It was just what I needed.

There were no other idiots out in the park - just me. I could walk down the path with my head down, alone with my thoughts. For some reason, I remembered some bitterly cold mornings (and nights), walking with Freya, hoping that she would do her business somewhere in the next block, so that we could go home and get out of the hellish cold.

And then I thought of all the times that Lisa had taken care of walking Freya, so that I could be free to be with Holly or Monica, or to travel with Aarti.

I sat down on a frozen park bench, only partially protected from the biting wind. Only then did I realize that I was crying.

Integrity, responsibility, and dependability. That was how George had described me to his daughter - and it was exactly what I thought of her. I remembered something else, too: Lisa was the first woman, after Connie, to fall in love with me without the need for Tansa's magic phrases.

Why was I so thick, when it came to Lisa? Why did I try so hard to resist her appeal? Her age

was

a concern, but as she rightly pointed out, there was a significant age gap with some of the other women I'd chosen.

The difference was that I'd never seriously contemplated spending the rest of my life with any of them - with the possible exceptions of Holly, and maybe Sue. I was afraid of Lisa because the stakes were so frighteningly high - for both of us.

What if she regretted being tied to an old man? In eleven years, I would be sixty - to her thirty-eight. Wasn't that a woman's sexual peak?

I did a pretty thorough job of confusing myself, considering small details that had nothing to do with the question at hand. It was quite simple: Lisa loved me enough to want to be together. Did I love her that much? In that way?

I went back to my apartment, and pulled out a pad and a pen. Under the heading 'Cons' I wrote 'Age', and 'George and Anna'. Then I started writing words under 'Pros' - and just kept going. Logical. Direct. Confident & Self-assured. Bright, responsible, dependable.

I remembered her ordering an exotic beer, which we both loved. I'd called her 'cautiously adventurous'. I also recalled how she'd first approached the idea of us dating; she'd shown courage. She also had a libido to match mine - in fact, she'd initiated sex at least as often as I had, if not more.

But logical organization and words on a page don't make the decision. Sometimes it's a single illogical matter that decides for us.

When I got out of bed on the morning of the 29th, I staggered into the shower. Then, as the water sluiced over my head, I woke up. Lisa must be suffering, too, waiting for my answer. It was cruel of me to leave her in suspense.

That was the moment when I knew what I would say to her. My head and my heart were finally in agreement. I exited the shower, dried off, and called her.

- "We can talk, now." I said. "When and where would you like to get together?"

- "I can be over at your place in half an hour."

- "Coffee? Breakfast?" I offered.

- "Yes to the coffee. Please."

She made it in 25 minutes. She came in bearing a cheese Danish for herself and an apple fritter for me. She hadn't forgotten what I liked. It was only a little thing, but I was touched ... and a little emotional. I had to sneak a kleenex to dab at my eyes and then blow my nose.

- "I'm sorry ... that I made you wait." I said. I saw Lisa's face fall at my first two words, and instantly regretted the thoughtless way I'd begun.

"No - I don't mean sorry because ... ah, shit. Can I start over? Lisa, I'm sorry that I made you wait. I had a lot of thinking to do, but I know that it can't have been easy for you. Thank you - for giving me that time."

- "You needed it. I would have, in your place."

- "You're very patient."

- "I'm not, really. Maybe I just hide my impatience better than some."

- "I'm ready to answer you, though." I said. "I want you to know that I'm incredibly honoured, and flattered, by your ... by what you said. And I know what I want - I

want

to say yes."

Lisa managed to keep a straight face. But she knew what was coming.

- "But ...?"

I told her the truth. "I do love you, Leece. I haven't been thinking about you - and only you - for the past few years ... but I have no doubts about how wonderful you are, and how happy I was with you. But ... when it comes to imagining a life together for us ... I'm afraid."

That wasn't what she was expecting to hear. "Afraid?"

- "You're on the verge of a new career - an exciting new career. You'll be meeting hundreds of bright, interesting people, with their whole lives ahead of them. You'll have a passion for teaching, or for new research ... and then you'll come home - to me? How can I compete with that? You'll be meeting so many young, vibrant, intelligent people ..."

- "Age again?"

- "Of course it's our ages. Lisa. Do the math! You'll still be in your prime when my favourite topic of conversation will be all of my various aches and pains. Will you really want to listen to me complain about my chronic ailments when you could be having a rousing discussion of clinical psychology?"

- "A rousing discussion of clinical psychology? Sheesh. And you're not really a big complainer, Dan. Sorry, but I think you're just making shit up."

- "Come on, Lisa. You know that your work environment will be more exciting."

- "Ah, you mean because there will be so many younger and more handsome men there? And women?"

Women? I'd never even considered that possibility.

"Dan." she said. "Paul was younger and more handsome. He also came from money, and offered to take me to the Costa del Sol.

I already told you: he just wasn't you

."