I deliver pizzas. I know what you're thinking -- he's going to tell me about the special 'tip' he got from some grateful customer the other day. You'd be right. But not in the way you're thinking.
Since the pandemic, we no longer take cash at the door, so the chance of being offered payment in a different way no longer exists. Did that ever happen? None of the other drivers seem to think so -- or maybe they just aren't willing to admit it.
I wasn't always a 'delivery expert', as the company calls us. A long career in banking -- no I'm not rich, just at a low-level -- and then a shorter one selling pianos, left me disillusioned with work and tired of taking orders from youngsters with no experience and a large ego. So I retired, took my modest pensions early and settled down to a quiet and (reasonably) comfortable life.
Too quiet and too comfortable. Two years later and I'm bored, putting on weight and starting to feel my age. Not that I was ever good-looking. A bald patch, growing paunch, dodgy knees and wonky teeth don't attract women. Oh, I got married and had kids, sure, but at 57 and no oil-painting, I could safely assume my sex-life was on a downward spiral to oblivion.
So, I've taken a job delivering faux Italian food to the hungry masses. It boosts the bank balance and gives me more chance to pursue what I really want -- travelling. And when I'm not going places, I'm taking part in theatre productions. A self-taught pianist, I've sung my whole life and a few years ago I started acting in local musical productions. I'm too old for leading roles, but character parts, those I can do.
Though I say it myself, I'm pretty good. Don't get me wrong, I'm never going to be accepting a Tony, but at the local amateur level, I've got a decent rep.
So what about this 'tip'? Well, in the days when delivery drivers used to take cash at the door, I'm told tips were plentiful -- 'keep the change'. But now it's all prepaid, so the customer has to find some coins (or hopefully notes) to tip you at the door or pay something extra on the 'app'. In other words, it's now easy for customers to avoid tipping entirely. But yes, some still do.
On this particular day, it had been quiet. Schools were back from their summer break and the adults weren't ordering much. So it was a relief when one came through. Not a big order, but it was one of the big houses on Orchard Way. A new customer too, so I went, hopeful of a tip.
Customers have the option to track us on the website and when I got there and pulled up in front of the big gates, a young guy with long hair, t-shirt, faded jeans and cheap sneakers was waiting for me outside. I gave him a cheery "hello" and confirmed he was the "Nathan" on the order slip (wouldn't be the first time someone had tried to claim a pizza that wasn't theirs). I handed over the food and we moved on to the awkward moment when they make up their excuse for not tipping.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any cash on me". Of course you don't. "But I'll give you this instead". At which point he takes a small box out of his pocket and passes it over. What on earth? I'm on the clock, so I'm not going to hang around and examine it. I take it, thank him and head back to the car. As I'm walking away, I hear him say, quietly, "I hope it brings you better luck than me".
I'm back at the store and finally look at my unusual 'tip'. It's a small box and when I open it there is a small pendant on a chain. It's got some kind of red jewel in the centre (don't ask me what it was -- I'm no gemologist) and a chain. It looks expensive, but no-one is going to give me anything expensive just for delivering a couple of pizzas, are they?
I show it to the guys at the store and everyone agrees this is not some cheap trinket. So I'm thinking -- have I been stitched up, here? Is some irate parent going to be coming in and reclaiming a family heirloom? Could I be accused of theft? I make a decision -- the next time I deliver in that direction I will make a detour and just check they are okay with me having it.
So, for the second time that day, I pulled up outside the large metal gates. This time, there was, of course, no one waiting for me, so I pushed the button next to the gate for the intercom. After a few moments a female voice answered. "Hello, can I help you?". I explained to her why I was there and asked to speak to Nathan. There was a pause, and she finally said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you are talking about, we never order takeaway food."
"Oh right, no problem, that's okay, but would you mind if I have a quick word with Nathan?".
This time the answer came quickly. "There's no-one called that at this house. Now please leave the property". Okay, you got it.
Curious. No, more than that, it was downright weird. Who orders a pizza to someone else's house and then gives away a piece of jewellery as a tip?
Sat in the car, I take it back out of the box and put it on. Well, it's mine, now, isn't it?
I take a leisurely route back to the store, hoping to time it so I arrived at the end of the shift. But I couldn't stretch the journey too much and arrived with 5 minutes to go, resigned to be sent out on another run. Looking at the rack I see a delivery ready to go so I knew it was hopeless, but I gave Chloe (who was routing) a cheerful "That's me done, so you can send me home now".
"Sure, Phil, off you go, I'll give it to Ollie."
What?
No-one gets sent home with a delivery getting cold on the rack. But hey, I didn't need to be told twice. I was out of there like a shot. What's got into Chloe today?
It was just a 10-minute journey home on a fast road, but of course I was behind a slow driver, hogging the road at 10 under the limit. Tired, wanting to get home and sink a beer, I pursed my lips and thought, "speed limit's 60, lady, move it up". To my surprise she instantly accelerates.
A nagging suspicion starts deep in my conscious mind, but I dismiss it. Heck, it's just coincidence. It's nothing. No one ever does what I say! Let alone what I just think.
But when I get home and park, I can't help but try it out. Sat in the car, in my mirror I see someone walk down the road. She's eating something from a bag, but I can't see what it is, a burger maybe? As she comes up behind me, she finishes it and crumples the bag to a ball and lobs it towards the trash can, missing by a mile. Okay. I say to myself, "go back and pick it up, lady".
She stops. She turns and walks back. Picks it up and puts it neatly in with the rest of the trash. Wow. Did I do that? That's the third time today! No, come on, this is unhinged. Every one of those acts were entirely normal behaviour. It's like when you're thinking about someone and then they're phoning you. It isn't psychic powers - you've just forgotten all the times you thought of them, and they didn't call.
Maybe I can prove that by seeing if I can get her to do something odd, something unnatural. But what? A behaviour that's distinctive and simple enough for me to spot. How about hopping? Yeah, that will do it.
I try to concentrate and think to myself, "Lady, hop four times on your right leg and then four times on your left."