Thanks For The Sub

I envision the future.

I'm sitting at my desk, surrounded by my law books and notes, fully focused on acing my upcoming exams -- one more brick in the strong foundation I'm building for my future career. I see academic affirmation before me, perhaps a PhD, or a prestigious lecturer chair at a law university. My sharp mind and talents, acknowledged and admired by all.

It's a beautiful vision. In the silence of my apartment, only broken by the gentle rustle of pages as I turn them, I revel in it, knowing that the long hours and the hard work of today, will bear fruit tomorrow.

Then, the echoing sound of laughter snaps me out of my reverie. Aaaand just like that, the magic is gone.

I sigh, profoundly irritated by the ruckus. I get up from my desk and head down to Annalise's room to investigate... as if I didn't know what the source is.

I open the door, without knocking. I find Annalise relaxing in her gaming chair, microphone and headset in position, laughing hysterically as she stares into her webcam. She's streaming one of her video games, and the cacophony of gunfire and blasting sounds echoing remotely from her headset must be positively deafening to her.

When she notices my presence, she shouts to her audience in delight.

"Hey guys! My roommate V's here!"

"It's Veronica," I tell her flatly, hoping I spoke low enough that my voice wasn't picked up on stream. Ugh, I swear I'm trying, but she really makes it hard for me. "Annalise, can you please keep it down? I'm trying to study."

Annalise's smile curls and dies. She suddenly looks at me like I'm a spider in the shower. "I'll try. Jeez, sorry to cramp your style," she says, turning back to her game. "You hear that, guys? We're supposed to keep it down while we blast the next wave. Haha!"

My hands ball into fists as I feel my anger building. It's more than just the disrespect. What I'm trying to do is important! I've got a ton of readings and assignments to catch up on. I've got internships to apply for, seminars to attend, and a CV to build. Every opportunity counts, especially in this tight labour market. This is serious stuff, not, well, videogames.

I think about making the point clearer, but opt against it. In her own way, she is working right now, and besides, confrontation is costly and tiring. She said she'll try.

I retreat into the hallway, shaking my head. I know it's not my business how Annalise earns a living, but - she just sits in her pyjamas all day! I don't think she even owns a suit! Or anything that might pass for professional in the office, for that matter.

Hell, she dropped out of uni when her streaming took off. Like, seriously, who drops academia to get rich with videogames?

And then there's the way she uses her looks to attract subscribers and donations. The way her male audience drools over her and throws money at her just because of the way she looks, ugh. It's insulting to those among us women who beat the patriarchy the hard way, proving we're just as smart and capable as any man.

Not using our looks to get ahead.

I stomp my way back to my room. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll be able to get anything done for a while. Might as well take a short break, so I head out into the balcony, smoking a cigarette, looking at the city in the distance. Reflecting on my ambitions.

Grinding, getting ahead of the pack, getting up early in the morning and dressing properly for the office, being called "doctor" with a nice fat qualification framed and mounted on the wall... this is how you get ahead in life.

Sure, Annalise may be earning plenty of cash, but she's wasting her formative years. If that vein ever dries up, what does she do next, with no career and no qualifications? Whatever. Not my problem, is it? Except when it stops me from studying.

That..

That part makes me so angry, it stops me from enjoying the vision of my future.

***

It's been a few days since the incident with Annalise's noisy livestream, and I've been avoiding her like the plague. I don't want to deal with her. Bubbly, inconsiderate, loud. It's not that I hate her, it's just that her constant livestreaming of her video games is so noisy that I can never study in peace and quiet.

Maybe I should go to the library. Or just study at different, weirder hours. But... somehow, that feels like giving in. Is that what a winner would do? In the future, when I climb the corporate ladder, I'll surely meet plenty of people who are going to try and step on my toes. Somehow, just yielding ground doesn't feel right.

Hell, I pay rent for this room. I'm sure as hell going to use it as I please.

So I stay obstinately cooped up in my own cave, studying and doing assignments, trying to ignore the loud background noise that seeps through the walls. I can't wait to be done with this semester and this apartment.

And this shitty roommate.

One day, however, I return from a grocery run, only to find Annalise in the living room, immersed in her smartphone. She looks up when I enter, and immediately gets up from the sofa.

Avoid. Avoid!

"Hey, V, how's it going?" She greets me with her usual cheery tone.

I shrug. Hopefully she'll get the message - I don't really want to talk, while rushing towards the kitchen. Sigh, of course the girl doesn't take the hint: she's right behind me.

"You're mad at me," Annalise says. I put my groceries on the table, with a sigh, and then cross my arms. I don't even find it in me to deny her.

"I'm sorry for the noise," Annalise offers. "I didn't realise it was such a big deal, V."

"It's not just the noise," I reply, a bit harsher than intended. "I need to study! I know streaming is important to you, but if you promise to keep it down, then please, keep it down.."

Annalise nods understandingly. "Ok, I'll keep it down from now on, I promise." She pauses for a moment before adding, "Hey, you smoke, right?"

What? "Um, yes. Why do you ask?"

Annalise grins mischievously. "I have this new brand of cigarettes that I think you'll love. It's rare and smells amazing."

I'm confused, but before I can even utter a single word or get a question in, I find a cream-coloured package being pressed into my hands.

I stare at her, then at the package. The colour does admittedly look inviting, though I've never heard of this brand before. Snail? What kinda cigarette brand name is that?

"Enjoy!" She says, before darting back down the hallway and towards her room, leaving me standing in the kitchen, flabberghasted.

Hesitantly, I pocket the cigarettes. What's her angle here? Maybe it's just her way of dealing with the embarrassment of the apology? Is she trying to win me over with cigarettes? Or is she genuinely sorry for disturbing me and wants to make it up to me?

Well, whatever her motivation is, this has to be better than arguing with your roommate.

Right?

***

The noise from Annalise's livestream has been driving me insane. She laughs, jokes, squeals, curses. She plays videogames the way some British men watch football, I swear. It's unrelenting!

I've been studying for hours, trying to focus on my work, but it's just impossible. The noise-canceling headphones help a bit, but they can only do so much against the overwhelming power of Annalise's shrill enthusiasm.

I cradle my face in my hands, trying remind myself that Annalise needs to make a living too. Still.. it's like she doesn't care about my position at all.

With a sigh, I decide to take a break. Out to the balcony, I breathe in, long and deep. I could so go for a smoke.. unfortunately, I forgot to buy some on my way back from uni today.

That's when my wandering hands feel it, the bulge in my pocket. I pull it out, studying at the cream-coloured package, almost too ordinary and anonymous, yet still inviting.

Annalise's peace offering.

I mean.. I do want a smoke, why not try? I decide to light one up and see what it's like.

As I take my first puff, I'm surprised by the aromatic flavour of the cigarette. I frown, examining it, working it over as I breathe it in. God... It has a rich, earthy flavour, honey and spices. The smoke is thick, and strangely filling.

I take another puff, savouring the taste and the feeling. I close my eyes and lean against the railing.. The warmth spreading across my lungs is so comforting that I'm starting to feel lightheaded and lulled into complete tranquility, like being rocked inside a cradle.

The scent lingers in the air. I take another puff, and this time I exhale, watching the smoke swirl out into the air.

Annalise may be a handful of a roommate, but I have to admit it: this was actually a pretty a nice gesture. Maybe she did want to make it up to me, after all!

But this fragrance... what is it, what's it called? Why have I never heard of such a cigarette before?

I take another puff, deeper this time, trying to focus on each facet of this honeyed flavour. Damn, it's so unique. The honeyed aroma is not just sweet, but there's a depth to it that I can't quite describe. It's as though I'm tasting something that's been aged for centuries, waiting all this time to be enjoyed, to be freed into the world by a pair of eager lips.

The more I smoke, the more the fragrance fills my senses. It's almost overpowering, but in a good way. I feel my head start to spin, my thoughts slowing down. It's as though the smoke is wrapping itself around me like a warm blanket.

It's not just a scent, it's a sensation. It's as though the smoke is filling up every corner of my body. Maybe this is what I needed all along, a moment of pure tranquility, to forget the world around me and just be.

As I continue to watch the smoke, I realize that the patterns it's forming are more than just random swirls. They're almost like abstract shapes, shifting and twisting in the air. The smoke seems to be taking on a life of its own, dancing in front of my eyes.

Now, how would you ever get that effect?

I blink, confused, wondering if it's just my imagination. My eyes are transfixed on the smoke as it twists and turns, creating a mesmerizing display. I can't look away. It's like the smoke is drawing me in, beckoning me to follow its inviting movements.

I take another deep drag on the cigarette, the honey seemingly coursing through me. The smoke trails from my mouth and begins to intermingle with the patterns in the air. It's like the smoke and the patterns are becoming one, merging together into a swirling vortex.

I find myself staring deeper and deeper into the vortex, my eyes fixated on the mesmerising display. Blinking becomes a rarity, as I feel myself being pulled deeper and deeper into the swirling patterns.

I don't know how long I've been standing here, lost in my reverie. Minutes? Hours? Either way, I eventually jolt myself back from the railing. Time to return to reality. I flick the cigarette butt over the railing,and take one last glance at the smoke dissipating into the air. The patterns are gone, and the vortex has vanished.

Oddly, that makes me feel almost sad.

I feel so much calmer now as I return to my room. As I move, I can feel a pleasant haze still lingering inside me, like a warm cloud that surrounds me. It's like I'm in a tranquil cocoon, a safe place where no0thing can go wrong. I'm grateful for Annalise's unexpected gesture.

When I sit back down at my desk, Annalise's snorting laughter doesn't seem to bother me anymore. As I start to study again, I feel a slight sluggishness in my thoughts, like they're moving through syrup. But it doesn't bother me, not when anxiety and stress feel like such a distant memory.

I take my time reading each word, letting them sink in slowly.

When I finally close my textbook and stretch my arms, the sun has begun to dip below the horizon. I rub my eyes. My mind keeps wandering back to that fragrance, the flavour, the smoke dancing in the air like an ethereal creature.

I don't know how or where Annalise found this stuff, but it beats diazepam hands down.

Typically she takes a short break right about now, so this is the perfect time to ask her about it, and besides, it's a good opportunity to thank her in person.

I knock on her door after pushing it halfway open, and she puts away her smartphone to greet me with a mischievous smile.

"Hey, V! What's up? Enjoying the peace offering?" she asks.

"I just wanted to ask you about the cigarette you gave me earlier," I say. "It had a really.. unusual fragrance, and I was wondering where you got it from."

Annalise smiles as as she reaches for a small black box on her desk. "That's my secret stash," she says with a wink. "It's a blend of different herbs and spices, and the honey makes it so that the taste isn't... overpowering."

She puts a strange emphasis on the last word, but I brush the thought aside as she continues.

"I get it from a.. connection," she says finally. "A friend who knows a guy, who knows a guy.. you know how that stuff goes."

I nod, not wanting to pry too much into her business. "Well, whoever your guy is, he's got a real talent for blending flavors."

Annalise grins. "Yeah, he's the absolute best at what he does. And the smoke patterns? That's all me, I've been practicing for years."

I raise an eyebrow. "You mean the way the smoke seems to form patterns in the air? How does that even work? It looks like magic!"

"It's just smoke art," Annalise says with a giggle. "I've always been fascinated by it. The way the smoke moves and twists and turns. I've spent hours perfecting it. In fact," Annalise says, the sly grin returning, "you could say the smoke art is almost.. hypnotic."

I gulp, feeling a little uneasy, like there's a subtext to this conversation I'm not really grasping. "I see," I say, shuffling in place, unsure what to ask, or whether to end the conversation somehow.

Annalise leans in conspirationally. "I'm always happy to share, V. Just don't tell anyone about it, okay? It's my secret indulgence."

I nod. "Yes, of course! Your secret is completely safe with me," I say.

"I so know," Annalise says with a grin. "You'd do just about anything to keep on my good side, so you can keep getting these cigarettes from me. Wouldn't you, V?"

"Uh.." I take a step back. A shiver just went down my back, for some reason, and I feel really uneasy about this last comment. But before I can say anything coherent, Annalise claps her hands.

"Alright, off with you! I need to catch some sleep."

That sounds a little dismissive.. but in my hazy state after the cigarette, I don't have it in me to argue, and placidly let Annalise lead me out of her room into the hallway.

"Have a good night," I say, somewhat uncertain.

"You too, V," Annalise says, before winking. "And remember. I want you to smoke all the cigarettes. For me."

Well, I think to myself as I head back to my room. That's just not creepy at all...

Of course, I could always stop, I tell myself as I tuck myself in under the blankets. But the mere idea makes my heart squeeze. I don't want to stop.

I try to push the thoughts away and focus on the feeling of tranquility that the cigarette had brought me earlier. But as I try to drift off to sleep, I can't help but wonder what Annalise's intentions were with her strange behaviour tonight.

I resolve to be more careful in my interactions with her from now on. I don't want to get caught up in anything shady or dangerous. I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly, and let the tranquility of the smoke lull me into a deep and peaceful slumber.

I dream half-morphed dreams of smoke and honey.

***

I feel a mixture of embarrassment and unease as I realise I've gone through the entire packet of cigarettes in just a few days. I'm no stranger to smoking, but this is a whole new level of addiction. Despite this, I find myself irresistibly drawn to the honey, to the spices, to the swirling smoke as it coils through the air... It leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy, relaxed and calm.

Malleable?

I suppress the thought. I stare at the smoke for hours, sometimes. The patterns are abstract, and yet there is a beauty in them that transcends their lack of meaning. It's almost..

Hypnotic?

No, oh no no. It's just that seems to slow down my thoughts, making me feel somewhat sluggish. Enveloped in a hazy, dream-like state.

The scent relaxes me deeply, so my studying sessions are no longer bothered by Annalise's livestreaming and the associated clatter. So it's definitely a net positive, in the end.. which is why I crave another cigarette. Another package.

Maybe I shouldn't run to Annalise so soon. But the craving... I don't even know where she gets these cigarettes from. Will I have to pay her? I feel like a druggie who got hooked with a free first dose, and it's all I can think about.

I need it. I want it.

I tell myself I will at least wait until the end of the day, during one of her breaks. That will prove for sure that I'm not addicted.

The day drags on, slowly, interminably. I can't focus on my work or my studies, my mind constantly drifting to the thought of the.. No, no no no.

But when the time comes, I basically spring up and rush down the hallway towards her room, my heart pounding in my chest. I take a deep breath, and knock.

Annalise answers the door, a smirk playing at the corners of her lips. I try to act nonchalant, but inside I'm practically shaking with excitement.

"Hey," I say. "Can I get another package of those cigarettes?"

Annalise's smile widens. "Of course, V," she says, handing me a plain package.... then withholding it from my grasp at the last second, as if wanting to prove a point first. "My my, I bet you'd do just about anything to get your hands on another one of these. Am I right or am I right?"

Oh no.

I am suddenly, embarrassingly, acutely aware that Annalise and I have never been friends. Not.. really? Like, amicable roommates for the most part, but it's not like I know her. And I never bothered to hide that I look down on her lifestyle, the PJs all day, the whole collecting money from simps by flashing a bit of cleavage thing, the videogames.. I bust my ass on internships and seminars.

Maybe it shouldn't surprise me that she's experiencing a moment of Schadenfreude... For the first time, I feel like I'm the one being looked down on.

I step back, trying to play it cool. I don't want to seem too desperate. But my body betrays me, as my hands reach out involuntarily, grasping at the air in front of me, hoping to get my hands on the treasure.

Annalise holds the package away from my reach, laughing, relishing in my desperation, obviously enjoying having the upper hand for once. Can blame her? I've always been so judgmental of her, and yet here I am. Practically begging for another hit, another fix.

"Come on, Annalise," I plead. "I'll pay, I promise."

Annalise just raises an eyebrow at me. "Oh, I don't want your money, V. I want something else entirely."

My heart skips a bit, as I search her eyes for clues.. but all I see is mirth. "What.. what do you want?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Annalise leans in, her eyes glinting with mischief. "It doesn't really matter, does it? You'll do it anyway, because you want these so bad."

"No, I-" I say, but my denial is cut short when Annalise finally hands me the package of cigarettes with a sly grin on her face. "You're going to subscribe to my channel."

What? That's it? That's like, three bucks a month. I mean.. I guess she wants to prove a point. It would be humiliating for me to subscribe to her channel, after how I've looked down on her alternate profession for so long. But in exchange for the cigs, it's such a small price to pay.

I take the package gratefully, feeling a rush of relief and excitement at the same time.

"Thanks," I mutter.

Annalise just nods, still smirking. "Enjoy them, V. And remember, I'm always here if you need more."