Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Wishing and wishing upon a star

Tired of mind control that doesn't work most times for most people, wishing and wishing upon a star? Don't fret because now science can create the perfect love formula to make your romantic dreams come true.

What if I told you that I designed a computer program and programmed a supercomputer that after having you respond with pertinent answers to probing questions that not only will you get that guy or gal in bed but also you may end up in happily wedded matrimony? Now, if that's not an oxymoron than I don't know what is, happily wedded matrimony.

Okay, all of you who are happily wedded and who take offense at happily wedded matrimony being used as an example of an oxymoron; give your marriage a few more years with a few more kids and lots more bills and then get back to me. Yeah, I figured as much.

By the way, I saw your husband at the strip club and he was getting more than his lap danced from Tiffany, if you know what I mean. Oh, and, by the way, your beloved wife...is a lesbian, you lucky bastard. She and her neighbor are closer friends than you ever imagined. If I were you, I'd set up a video camera in your bedroom and tape some of this stuff. Hey, think of the bright side, now, you can have that threesome you have always fantasized about. Only, is this your idea of marital bliss? It is if you are into the swinging lifestyle. Yet, that is another story for another time for the group sex category.

Okay, back to my scientific studies. What I propose is not flimflam. What I am writing about here is science at its purest, the science of human nature, a topic that we have an abundant supply thanks to Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Alfred Alder, and Erik Erikson to name only a few of the most prominent behaviorists of the psychology of human nature and the human condition. I have spent my entire adult life, since the advent of the personal computer, researching this human science. It is a breakthrough I tell you and I wouldn't be surprised if I won the Nobel Prize...next year...or the year after.

No, I am not drunk or crazy. That's right; you can stand me up beside Al Gore. You tell me, which would you prefer, reduced global warming or increased body warming? Yeah, I figured as much. You are not much different than me, transparent, horny, and lonely.

If I told you that I could guarantee you results by you sending me one dollar, most of your would respond, even the skeptical ones. What do you have to lose, it's only a buck...and what if he is right? Hey, it's worth a dollar just to see him fail.

Yet, what if I told you that it would cost one hundred dollars or a thousand dollars or ten thousand dollars or even one hundred thousand dollars for you to have the one you want, then that would put you off enough for you not to invest that sum of money for a chance at sex, romance, and love with your fantasy lover, now wouldn't it? It is okay for me to mark it with a price, I invented the Wish Upon A Star Love, Romance, and Sex Program, after all, but how dare you put a price on love, romance, and sex? We only have one life to live. Why not live it with the one you want?

Listen, do I look like a pimp to you? This is not prostitution and I am not a pimp. I am a respected scientist, a human behaviorist, and a student of humanism. Yes, I know, if it sounds too good to be true, but trust me. Have I ever lied to you? Okay, well that was just in one of my stories. Never mind.

Yet, seriously, do you think that I would sit here and waste my time creating a computer program, the Wish Upon A Star Love, Romance, and Sex Program that guarantees you winning the affection of that hottie for a measly one hundred or one thousand dollars or ten thousand dollars or even one hundred thousand dollars? No way. Sorry, pal or gal, but this is a program affordable only to the wealthy or, at least, someone who can afford to pay me one million dollars for my services and for that kind of specialized information which will deliver you lifelong happiness. That's right. To gain the key to unlock the heart of your beloved will cost you one million American dollars in cash and in small, unmarked bills. I dare write, it is only those who can envision the value of such a scientific dream union that I want as my customers.

Why is that, you ask? Good question. Because once you are my customer, you will never return. No, not because the information was bad, but because you are now blissfully happy with your dream person and have no reason to look for another unless, of course, he or she dies, till death do you part.

Is my information, to have the love of your life, worth one million dollars? For those who can afford such a monetary outlay, it would be worth it to those who would not otherwise have a chance to be with the one they love from afar. There are those who would do whatever it takes to scrap together the money on the chance that what I peddle is real. Then, there are those who would just walk away without a thought of regret happy with the thoughts that they just saved themselves one million dollars for an empty promise.

Yet, this story is not about you or about me. It is about Marvin Jones, a man who trusted me enough and who believed in my software program enough to place one million dollars in small, unmarked bills in a large suitcase for the information that I presented him to win the love of the woman of his dreams, Andrea Del Carmen.

To be continued...