"I showed up late one night with a neon light for a visa.
But knowing I'm so eager to fight can't make letting me in any easier.
I know I been wearing crazy clothes, and I look pretty crappy sometimes.
But my body feels so good, and I still sing a razor line.
Every time."
-The Who, "
You Better, You Bet
"
Contessa Helena de San Finzione stood in the Equals household's living room, rapt in nostalgia. She admired old photos of the three of them at various stages of her life up until about seven years ago, and remembered when the pictures had been taken. She was genuinely flattered at the number of photos containing her with them, or her with Propappou, or just her by herself.
She looked at old knick-knacks, decorations, and pieces of furniture that she hadn't seen for almost a decade, brought down from their parents' homes in Alaska, where she and the Equals had grown up. She took a deep sigh, and grinned. She was experiencing memories of happy times with them, but this time, without the dread of knowing what would be waiting for her at home when the feeling ended.
"Helena!" Julie called out to her, breaking her out of the reverie of the past that comprised their living room. "Of course we're happy to see you, Hon; and I'll be happy to sit down and look at some old photos with you later on, but it's been like five minutes since you walked in. So, would you mind answering our fucking questions now?"
"Yeah, ok. Sorry. Just, you know, I abandoned everything I had left in Anchorage, and it's cool to see that you guys saved some things." Helen took a seat on one of the couches. Troy sat in a recliner, and the other three ladies took the couch opposite her.
Helen thought for a moment.
"Ok, let's pretend I was too distracted on Memory Lane, and you were all talking at the same time too much to really pay attention and start again; try going one at a time." She thought a second before pointing to Julie. "What was yours, Julie?"
"I guess my first one was what's with all the Ultimados tossing Frisbees in the yard and coming to use the bathroom?"
"Oh, pretexts for checking out the house and back yard, sweeping for bugs, that sort of thing. Which, by the way, they didn't find any; so now you know your house is safe, too. They didn't want to ruin my surprise, so they couldn't just ask 'Mind if we make sure your house is secure before La Contessa surprises you?' You didn't recognize me when I waved?" Helen took off the wig she was still wearing that matched Julie's usual hair length and colors, revealing her own short, black hair with curled bangs beneath, and plopped the wig onto the coffee table. "Man, you are an effective disguise, Julie."
Claire and Susan looked at the wig, then at Helen. Something that they'd done during the Equals' honeymoon trip had involved Claire and Brenda, another friend, coming to San Finzione with Troy and Julie on their honeymoon; she and Brenda trading off disguising themselves as Julie, and walking around on Troy's arm to distract their police shadow while Julie set up their revenge prank for Helen's at their wedding. Helen saw the two women looking between her and the wig and got a feeling for what they were thinking.
"What?" She asked them. "You didn't know that I owned a Julie wig long before any of you?" They looked up at her again, about to open their mouths to speak, when Helen leaned forward and told them "The answer to all your weird questions about it is 'Yes.'"
Susan came forward with the next question.
"Ok, so that's even more obviously not you at the summit. A reporter asked a question, and the answer 'you' gave... well, it wasn't really a 'you' answer. Like, it was ok, but below your level."
While Susan spoke, Helen took a thin, silver, rectangular box out of her purse and began looking around for something.
"Hmm..." Helen thought, as if she wanted to answer, but was looking around for something as she fidgeted with the box.
"We don't have any ash trays, Helen." Susan said, sensing what she was looking for. "Nobody smokes in Equalshousia." She pointed to the sliding glass door through the kitchen, leading to the back patio. Helen followed her finger and nodded, standing up and walking through the kitchen toward the patio, making it clear that since she couldn't smoke inside, that was where questions would continue.
Helen spotted an empty soda can on the top of the garbage in the kitchen wastebasket and grabbed it on the way past, guessing there would be no ash tray waiting outside either. She took a seat at the patio table, produced a cigarette from the case, and lit it with a lighter built into the case. The other four grabbed chairs and arranged them into a line a few feet away from her, out of direct smoke-blowing range.
"Sorry about that, Susan. But no, I'm not at the summit. Rita Delvecchio is at the summit. She's me on '
È Solo Divertente Se Conosci L'italiano
'." She thought for a drag. "It's only funny if you know Italian; it's San Finzione's version of SNL. I heard you're learning the language, you should check YouTube for her, even if you might not get all the jokes yet, because..." Helen chuckled. "Her 'Me' is just dead on! The girl who plays Maria doesn't look a thing like her, but Maria says we could be twins when Rita's in the wig and makeup. And I'll watch and go 'Damn, I totally do that, don't I,' or 'I can hear myself saying that, too!' So, I invited her up to the castle for dinner, we hit it off, and now I hire her to fill in for me when I don't particularly want to be at some events, but have to."
"I have SO many follow-up questions on this!" Susan responded.
Helena took a deep drag.
"Let me take care of the top five for you." She counted them off on her fingers. "Yes, I have a double. Yes, I have had sex with my double. No, her impression of me is not THAT good! Yes, OF COURSE, I filmed it. Maybe, if you're REALLY nice to me, we can watch it later."