Simon Says Fuck Me

The irony of it was that I was the last person qualified to be hypnotist, at least on the surface. I wasn't a shrink. I didn't even have a Master's degree. I was a 27 year old college drop-out, making a reasonable living from a bill collector's job and augmenting my income by performing weddings on the side as an ordained minister. It's funny how it seemed an okay life to me, despite the appearance of failure compared to what I have now. Well, by that standard, even the Presidents of the former United States were failures. I am now the most successful human being in history. I literally rule the world, as Emperor of the Greater Terran Empire.

My path to power was shocking in its ease, in fact. It's not something that you'd read about in a self-help book, except for maybe the really New Age kind. Those are going out of fashion, since I am trying to discourage them, anyway. I freely admit that my motives there are selfish. I don't want someone to take over from me. If and when I happen to expire, then we can talk about a new Emperor, or something like that. Frankly, however, I don't trust them to be my equal, let alone my superior. I know, that sounds egotistical, but it's actually just my cynicism about my fellow primates.

So, back to the beginning, I hadn't dated anyone seriously at all. My sexual experience was limited to bar girls and the occasional stripper who went "beyond the call of duty". I had even fucked a cocktail waitress or two. However, I avoided the dating scene like the plague after getting stood up and realizing just what the game was about.

I didn't want to pretend to be uninterested in sex so that I could get sex sooner, and I certainly didn't want to be strung along by some girl (I won't dignify females of that sort by calling them "women") who used sex as bait to get a ring on her finger. Besides, dating was phony in other ways. One could end up with a girlfriend who was batty as hell and needed to work through her issues before having any kind of relationship with another person. Most of all, I had firmly decided against monogamy, and I was sure that most girls who pursued the dating scene were adamant in their refusal to share a man.

There were some ladies at the office that I would have given a good roll in the hay in a second, provided that it didn't mean cheating on their partners. Just because I rejected monogamy didn't mean that I approved of infidelity. I favored honest and open polyamory, which made more sense to me than attempting to be monogamous and frequently failing to do so, as seemed to be the pattern with half of the conventional relationships out there. Victorian marriages were exercises in futility, the way that I saw it. It was better to admit one's preference for quantity and variety, and thus avoid the pitfalls of trying to suppress one's primal urges.

That being said, I wasn't about to be the man who brought the bad news to any couples in question. That was someone else's dirty work, from my perspective. They were sincere and misguided people trying to do what they thought was the right thing. If they were already cheating, that was on their consciences. It was too bad, however, that there were no single girls of age at the office. I felt like the proverbial sailor from the poem, "Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink!"

What I didn't know yet was that an incident that had slowed down my career and forced me to leave college would now benefit me. I was a ticking time-bomb, psychically speaking. 7 years before this point, I had blacked out at school and awakened after a week, with no memory of what occurred in the meantime. I could recall everything before and after my disappearance, but not in between. I lost my college job and had to drop out because of tuition. It took me a while to find employment while staying with my parents again.

Either this point in my life, the hypnosis that I underwent to recover my memories (which failed miserably, I might add), or both triggered something that took over half a decade to emerge in me. It was a new, hypnotic kind of power. I could mesmerize people and make them highly vulnerable to suggestion, after which I would send them back to sleep with no recollection upon awakening of what had happened. I could also send them subconscious commands to do things that I wanted of them. Strangely enough, there were certain words that had to be used to hypnotize people, but once spoken, they were putty in my hands.

A further bizarre fact was how I discovered this ability. It was quite by accident, of course, and it had to do with a silly old game that I played when I was in kindergarten. I was in the lunch room, having just started my lunch break, when Valerie entered and sat down to eat her fast food. I must admit that I was a bit envious, since I already had leftover macaroni and cheese that I was trying not to waste. A fat, greasy burger and fries would have hit the spot more, though macaroni and cheese was nice, too.

"I wish that I could just tell people to pay up, without any hassles!" Val broke the ice with a complaint about the debtors in question. If she hadn't been a Jehovah's Witness, she would have tacked the words "I swear" onto that remark, but she had refrained from profanity as usual.

"Yeah, there are times when I wish that I could just say, 'Simon says'.....," I started to respond, only to see Val's eyes begin to glaze over, as if she were asleep.

I was stunned by her reaction, but then decided that it was a weird joke of hers. There was no way that I could say something, untrained as I am in hypnosis, to mesmerize another human being. That was obviously impossible, wasn't it?

To test that idea, I told her, "Okay, Val, very funny! Now, let's end this charade of yours. Simon says, give me a French fry."

To my shock, she handed me a French fry, with that dazzled look still on her face. She seemed almost a zombie, in the sense that she stared blankly into space. She had no expression of humor, either. I began to wonder if this was the real thing, but I had to take this further to know for sure.

"Alright, Val, Simon says, tell me the secret you're most afraid of telling anyone else," I pushed the envelope, because if she wasn't under hypnosis, there was no way that she would reveal something of that nature.

"I am a lesbian!" Val blurted without any of the embarrassment that one would usually expect from a pious member of her sect.

Holy shit, I thought. She really was under hypnosis. I could only guess that the words "Simon says" were the key to my power over her. It was like that childhood game, except that everyone had to play it and was asleep while doing so. Val's admission was something that I already suspected, whereas this was a bit of a jolt to my brain. I had trouble believing that shrinks could do this at times, let alone a layman like me.

"Val, Simon says, tonight you will skip your usual evening activities and locate the closest lesbian bar. You will go inside, buy an alcoholic drink strong enough to overcome any remaining inhibitions not removed by this apparent hypnosis, and flirt with at least a dozen other patrons. When you have found one who interests you enough, you will leave the bar with her and spend the night at her place.

"Tonight, you will lose your virginity, lady. I don't want any excuses. I expect to hear about this, but don't tell your family yet, since they wouldn't approve. Now, when you hear someone say, 'back to work', you will wake up and not remember a thing that I have said to you. However, you will still follow my instructions, which will stay in your subconscious. Meanwhile, you'll finish your burger before you tempt me to eat it for you," I directed my closeted co-worker.

Not much later, Matt, another of my colleagues, announced that he was about to go "back to work". Sure as sunset, Valerie broke out of her sleep with a snap and finished her lunch. I wolfed mine down and thought about what this meant for me. If I could really hypnotize anyone with those two words, I could have a field day, both professionally and sexually. It was my wish come true, for certain. I just didn't know why I had this kind of control over the human race.

I wanted to be sure that this wasn't a fluke, however. To duplicate this experiment, without risking too much, I pulled a prank on Zack, when we both returned to our desks. I was tired of his gangster rap music, so I used the same words and watched with amusement as he became instantly compliant with my whims.

"Zack, Simon says that you no longer like gangster rap, nor do you consider it proper music. Instead, you like jazz and soul alone. You will listen to nothing but jazz and soul. If you hear any other music, you will tune it out. You will buy an entire collection of jazz and soul to play on your stereo over the next few months. You will sell all of your gangster rap discs and refuse to dance to anything but jazz and soul. When I finish what I am saying to you, you will follow my instructions, but wake up and forget that I hypnotized you," I whispered to him, not wanting to tip my hand too soon.

My theory was confirmed when Zack immediately woke up and took out his gangster rap, which caused more than a few of his co-workers to thank him. It was evident that I wasn't the only employee at the firm who despised rap. They didn't know that I was responsible, but it was now clear to me that this was no coincidence. I had a strange power to influence the behavior of my fellow man. Well, I wasn't about to dislike that reality, was I?

Well, who would be next, I wondered. I quickly decided that I was fed up with my boss, Martin. He was paranoid about anyone showing any kind of initiative, and yet he complained that people didn't show any, without realizing the contradiction between his two attitudes. Well, Martin was still an improvement over Calista, who hated men with a passion and had received the boot for a pattern of sexist conduct that caught up with her. Even so, I wanted to put him in his place.

As it happened, nobody was sure about Martin's love life, because he was close-lipped about it. It was another part of his paranoia, in that he feared that anything said about his private life could be turned against him in some way. Well, it was time for him to confide in someone, and take some orders for a change. I was bisexual, after all, and I hadn't done anything about that part of my sexuality yet. That wasn't all, of course. I resolved to bed whomever his regular partner was, at least once.

Don't misunderstand me. I had no plans of turning poor old Martin into a cuckold or wimp. That would just feed his paranoia further. What I would do was seduce him and his partner into a threesome of sorts, for at least a fling. I didn't know whom he might be dating, but given his relative success at work, he could probably get a steady girlfriend or something like that. What I didn't know was that she already worked there. He was involved with a married woman, and had been since taking over as office manager. He also had an estranged wife, who turned out to be a lot of fun in her own way.

The way that I saw it now, all of those married women that were "off-limits" before were now available to me. All that I had to was seduce the couple, rather than just the wife. That would be much easier with my powers of hypnosis. One way or the other, I'd ensure that both spouses had enough strange to keep them happy. I didn't yet know about Martin's situation, but I was already thinking of the sexy ladies who were ripe for seduction at my hands. It was as if I had just won the lottery. Sexually speaking, I could say that I did win it.

I looked around the office and noticed anywhere from seven to ten gals in that room alone. There were three rooms with cubicles, and women outnumbered men in each of them. Of the twenty-one to thirty ladies in my branch of the agency, only nine were what I'd call unattractive. More than half of those would be sexier if they tried to be. That left a minimum of a dozen girls, from which I had to deduct Val, because she was gay.

With that many women, I could and would take my time getting to all of them. However, once I had them, I wouldn't let them escape from my orbit. In my mind, I could help myself to the women of the office, and their husbands/boyfriends, and fuck around at a minimal risk of getting infected with HIV or an STD. I'd always craved a harem of sorts, and this kind of sexual circle would give me that at less of a cost to myself. Furthermore, it would improve corporate morale. Collecting medical payments from patients and insurance companies could be a tad grueling at times, and this would put everyone in a better mood.

That wasn't the only thought in my brain, of course. In time, I knew, I could and would make myself dictator of the entire planet. There were a myriad of social ills that I could resolve, and still more girls to bed in the process. Hell, as the future leader of Earth, I could screen all potential partners for STDs and HIV well in advance of any coupling. I would have a very good idea of whom I might fuck without any need for protection. I would have the greatest destiny of any man who ever lived, and all because of an ability that I discovered by chance.