Al was already at a table when I entered the bar. He had bought me an excellent, overpriced craft dark ale. He's one of my oldest friends and knows what I like. As I approached he looked at me, first confused and then amazed.
"Mike... is that you?"
"Course it's me. Who were you expecting? The Spanish Inquisition?"
"No one ever expects the Spanish inquisition." Al dutifully completed the Monty Python quote.
"But... hell Mike... you look so different. You look amazing... about 20 years younger and taller and your hair! You bastard!"
I sat down and sipped my beer. It was rich, malty and superb. Last time Al and I had got together, nearly a year ago, I was overweight, balding and two inches shorter. It was no wonder he was surprised.
Al pulled my beer to his side of the table. "No. You don't get to enjoy this until I get a full explanation. I could believe the weight loss, maybe, but the hair and your height. Guys our age don't grow taller and don't grow more hair. I should know! So spill it."
I shook my head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I tell most people I've had hair growth treatment and had my back straightened, but you're my best mate, I'm not going to lie to you. Trouble is, if I tell you the truth you'll think I'm crazy."
"I think you're crazy already so that's not going change. Go for it Mike."
"OK, but don't say I didn't warn you. This is really strange stuff. Remember that quote from Hamlet... There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
"Forget the Shakespeare and get on with it. I've gotta hear this."
"OK, here goes. You know that when Rosemary and I broke up I moved into my Aunt Dorothy's apartment above the shop."
"Yeah, what a dump!"
"Hey, I love that place. I used to spend heaps of time helping out in that shop when I was a kid. It always felt like going into Aladdin's treasure cave or the old curiosity shop... or both. And the flat upstairs was actually spacious when I cleared out most of Aunty's stuff. But the great thing is that she owned it freehold and left it entirely to me - so comfortable, rent free accommodation, commute time to work -- fifteen seconds."
"I'm still surprised you quit your job to run a junk shop."
"I hated that job. I only stuck at it because Rosemary insisted we needed the money. And it's not a junk shop. OK some of the stuff is junk but a lot of it is collectible and fascinating. Plus I've sound some really valuable antiques... first editions, vintage vinyl, original artwork..."
"OK, OK it's a gold mine... now get back to your story."
"Well after a six months or so I had the apartment and the shop sorted... all running smoothly... so I started on the basement. I think Aunt Dorothy must have been half pack rat. There was so much stuff down there and it certainly wasn't all rubbish, for your information. I
worked my way through it carefully and a few weeks into it I came across an antique cabinet. It was hiding behind some boxes of vintage clothing, covered in dust. I hauled it out and over to the bench. It was about three feet high, a cupboard at the top with two doors and four small drawers under that. When I cleaned off the dust I found that it was coated with black lacquer and painted with figures, brilliantly painted in bright colors and thoroughly obscene. Dozens of voluptuous dark haired women, fucking men, other women, all sorts of animals and things that I guess were demons. Every position and combination you can imagine and a lot you couldn't.
I turned the cabinet over to clean the back and heard a rattle and bump. Something was loose inside. Nothing in the cupboard or drawers. I worked out there was an enclosed space under the drawers but the drawers wouldn't come all the way out and I didn't want to force them. Some perv would pay big money for this item. When I was working for Aunt Dot she'd shown me antique furniture that had hidden compartments. We both loved solving the puzzles of how to get them open.
I ran my fingers carefully over the cabinet's surface and felt a tiny bump on one side. It was the breast of one the painted women. I pressed it. A little click and the drawers slid out easily. But when I looked into the cavity I was really disappointed. No exotic treasure, just a gnarled lump of something gray, maybe tree roots or bone, surrounded by crumbled cardboard. I guess the cardboard had been holding it but had rotted away.
I reached in and pulled it out. It felt soft, more like skin than wood and almost felt warm. That was weird. It was definitely warm and getting warmer. It was also starting to glow. I might have made a surprised noise..."
"You probably screamed like a girl!"
"I made a MANLY noise and try to drop it... but I couldn't, my hands wouldn't open. The glowing grew stronger. I couldn't look away. It was a dull pulsating red, deep down amid the knotted coils.
All these powerful sexual images flooded my mind. They seemed like memories but I'd never done half these wild, weird things. Some I'd never even imaged. I was sweating bullets and extremely turned on. I had a massive hard on in my pants and I came, longer and harder than ever before in my life. In fact the climax continued until I passed out."
"Ewww!"
"Yeah I know. But it gets a lot worse. Do you want me to continue?"
"Absolutely. You got me totally hooked."
"When I came to I was lying on the basement floor. I had no idea how much time had passed but it turned out I'd been unconscious for nearly four hours. I was a bit stiff and sore from lying on concrete for all that time but otherwise OK. I looked around for the object, whatever it was, but it was gone... no sign of it at all. The only theory I could come up with was that it had melted or evaporated with the heat of my hands and had released some crazy chemicals into my system."
"Not very convincing."
"No... but it was the best I could do."
"That night I woke up around 2am in agony. My legs were killing me. Fortunately it didn't last all that long and eased off to a dull ache. I took some Advil and eventually got back to sleep.
When I woke in the morning I was feeling fine and I was also two inches taller. The mirror and the shower head seemed lower. My pants were definitely too short. I did the measuring thing... you know, book on the head, mark on the door frame. Either I'd gone completely mad or something impossible was happening.
My height wasn't the only change. My hair started growing back, thicker and shinier. My skin improved, bumps and lumps and wrinkles disappeared. And I started to feel far more energetic. I went for long walks then runs. The weight just started melting off. I hit the gym, first time in years. It was awesome. I was stronger and fitter than I've ever been. Hell I can bench over 800lbs."
"Bullshit!"
"Nope, honest to God true. I had to pull back a bit. People were starting to notice me on the machines, easily doing lots of reps with the full stack of weights."
"Have you had yourself checked out?"
"Yeah. I went to see my doctor for a check up. He couldn't find anything wrong. He said I was in great shape."
"You didn't tell him what you're telling me?"
