Potato
The ceiling of Donna Liski's bedroom offered a neutral view for my thoughts the next morning. The first thing that swam to mind upon waking was how uninspired I'd felt after getting fucked by Hurdle. I thought it would be some sort of pinnacle of revenge for me but, after I'd talked to him, I realized that forcing him and his wife into the orgy only proved that I'd become no better than him, and possibly worse. It soured the entire experience, made for a depressing anticlimax, and I wouldn't have minded going home right then.
But I couldn't do that. It would have seemed so strangely inappropriate, as absurd as that sounds. Besides that, when a drunken Marilyn started licking my pussy, not even realizing she was licking and sucking Hurdle's cum out of me, it was enough to keep me there. Seraphine was topless with two men mauling her bare tits in just the way she likes as Marilyn's husband closed in on me, hardon pointing at the ceiling.
I made a little small talk, telling him how much I loved the drinks he gave me before also telling him how nice his cock was. Marilyn pulled me down to the chair she was sitting in, her husband following me down, explaining that he'd given me whiskey mixed with white wine, telling me he had something else I might also like as he neatly inserted the cock I'd coveted into my mouth. As for the rest, let's just say that sex with Marilyn and her husband was like being consumed. I did enjoy it a lot.
But after that team-up parted, Hurdle tried to approach and I had to force a smile for appearances while quietly telling him to leave me alone. That's when I really wanted to go home. Why couldn't he at least just be happy and fuck whoever he wanted like his wife was doing? I was willing to tell Seraphine that I wanted to leave, though I didn't want to ruin a good time for her any more than I felt alright about leaving the Majors here without me. And that meant that I'd have to deal with Hurdle again, though I never wanted to so much as see him again. And it wasn't just him that I couldn't stand, but also the Tara Watts that he made me think of whenever I thought of him. In the moment, the only relief I could find was in that he wouldn't be in my life for very much longer.
I dealt with it because I had to, walking over to him with another forced smile. He started trying to talk to me about convincing Seraphine to put herself up for auction, and I had to tell him in a playful tone to stop talking. Thank Heavens, he did, and so I was able to get him to collect his wife and go home after I fixed them up to seem normal until I could get back to them.
Seraphine was fine with me wanting to go home and insisted on going with me, no matter how sincere I was in telling her to stay if she wanted. She drove us back to Donna's house and, by that time, I was wasted and half asleep. I think she carried me up to Donna's bed.
So, lying there the next morning, I thought again about how I'd acted with the Major, and how much of what went on with him, including what happened at the Funraiser, were the end results of my own actions.
As both he and Seraphine had said, I really had fucked my life up. I did it all by myself. I know, you're thinking that no matter the decisions I'd made, if some other regular person had ended up as my assistant, none of this would have happened and I wouldn't be throwing away a career that I'd worked so hard for in exchange for... what?
To you, I say, yes. Seraphine was there to subtly coax me on, to tempt me at every step. She was responsible for throwing the Bennetts, Sumitra and others into the mix and introducing me to alcohol, not to mention the murder of Roman Liski, of which I was an accomplice by association. But she had nothing to do with what had happened to me with Major Hurdle. That would have happened regardless, and it was as much my fault as his, but none of hers.
As for the rest, I could have backed out at any time. I could have fired her, could have turned her away, and could have put a stop to things before Haley was encouraged to suck her own brother's cock. I could have put a stop to 'Lesbiana', but I was so turned on by it that I couldn't do it. The list went on, but it should suffice to say that I was an accomplice in all of those things too. A very
willing
accomplice as it were, and being drunk was no excuse.
But beyond this aspect of my situation, what they call 'the blame game', there's another, greater consideration. It's a question that, while lying there contemplating Donna's bedroom ceiling, really helped to put it all into a greater perspective for me.
What
if
I'd never met Seraphine? I mean, thinking about it, I couldn't imagine how I ever would have made out there in the hood without her. To say nothing of what she'd told me of what happens to people in our family who go too long without meeting (meating) a family member. When looked at it this way, Seraphine had done me a great favour by making herself known when and how she did.
So that was alright, but there was one other thing. What made it so hard to give up my career was that it wasn't just a career. Having written this, I can see how I might seem too ambitious, the very things my parents had warned me about regarding the uniform, but I say now that it
was
about more than that for me. Nobody does something like join the Salvation Army because they need a job. It's bigger than that, it's even bigger than commitment. It comes with a religious faith, a need to do His work and the willingness to surrender everything to Almighty Jesus in the same way he surrendered and suffered for my sins.
And now, after having been given a huge chance to do His work, I'd used it to bewitch and rape people. Yes, I'd raped them, in body and mind. I was no light of God.
I heaved a heavy sigh, deciding that, if for no other reason, this by itself was actually a good one for resigning. I mean, if I had any self-respect left to me at all, if I was ever any kind of Officer at all, I'd just resign. Even my parents would tell me that, and this wasn't the first time I'd been down this thought path.
"Okay, you're thinking."
A little startled, I looked over, finding her lying on her side, naked under our single, white sheet like fine sculpture.
"What is it?" she sleepily asked. "Still upset about last night? Or your resignation?"
"Nothing."
"Don't do that to me."
" ... Both. And I was thinking about how right you were."
"About what?"
"Pretty much everything. I totally see now how you were trying to lead me to who you are and why. It was wise and very cleverly done."
"No it wasn't. You wrecked it with your constant god-damned questions."
"Yes, but now I can see what you were thinking."
"Fat lot of good that does me now."
"Grammie, you're being unreasonable."
" ... What?"
"Relax, I was joking."
"Uh huh. By the way, I hope you're eating better."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Don't yeah-yeah me. Christ almighty, half of the shit you people eat these days isn't even real food," she yawned. "It's disgusting."
"Of course it's real food," I argued. "Cows aren't imaginary."
"Y'know what? I don't even want to get into this discussion with you right now, because there's something more important we need to talk about."
"My resignation," I toned.
"Yes, your resignation. I know this is hard for you, but putting it off will only make it worse. And you know we have to move on."
"Yeah."
"So, when are you going to do it? Or, have you decided to become the first to fight for LGBT rights within the ranks of the Salvation Army?
"
"I'm going to do it."
"Yes, but when?"
"Tomorrow! I'll do it tomorrow!"
"Thank you."
"Yeah..."
After a few minutes of silence, she said, "You know you couldn't have gone on in that uniform, right? You see that it was only a matter of time before that blew up in your-?"
"Yes, Seraphine, I see that," I testily replied. "I was lying here,
thinking
about that before we started talking and, again, you're right. I've completely fucked up my life. It's pretty clear that, as a Pastor, a teacher, a comforter and one who's supposed to help light a path from problems and sin, to Jesus and the heavenly kingdom, I'm an unparalleled failure."
"That's true."
"What?"
"Hey, you said it yourself! But that doesn't mean you can't help people. You don't need your uniform to do that."
