Sam I Am

He woke up the next morning with that feeling which meant something. It was too early to say what the feeling might mean or where it might lead, but it was clear that the feeling was momentous and thus portended a significant shift in his life that was going to develop over the coming days, perhaps weeks, perhaps months. He was neither able to identify the exact nature of the feeling nor did he particularly want to, but he knew that it meant something important.

If nothing else, the way that the feeling led him through the day showed that it meant something. From the moment he got out of bed, he knew that he was looking forward to something, and he knew what it was. Before doing anything else, he logged onto his computer and sent her a message to see if she was online. Receiving no response from her, he went through his daily routine as normal, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and going to work, but even at work, he felt that he had something good to look forward to soon. It was all he could think about the entire day. He just wanted to get home and see if she was online and what she had to say today.

It should be understood that Sam had been in relationships before. He'd had girlfriends. He had even been in love. It wasn't as though his new friend Sam was the first person he'd developed feelings for. The nice thing about being in love is that when it's real, it has the ability to cleanse the past, to wash away old pains and bad memories and rejuvenate a person, both physically and mentally. He'd had bad experiences with love in the past, but it didn't matter; he had met someone new, and even if it was too early to call it love in the truest sense, there was an energy, a happiness, and a hope she'd brought with her that touched everything he did in his everyday life. Whatever had happened in the past, whatever would happen in the future, his life was better now because she'd become a part of it.

Even she was a bit surprised by how quickly he messaged her when she came online that evening. It showed that he'd been waiting for her. She was happy about that; it's flattering to know that someone is waiting for you, that you're important enough to somebody that they keep you in mind throughout their day.

<APyreInside81> Hello, Sam.

<PhoenixMoon86> Hello.

<APyreInside81> How was your day?

<PhoenixMoon86> It was good, actually. I was in a good mood.

<APyreInside81> Me too. It's surprising how much your mood changes your outlook on life. The world seems like a completely different place depending on how you feel.

<PhoenixMoon86> Definitely. You know that feeling that you've woken up in a different world from the one you lived in yesterday?

<APyreInside81> I do. Do you know why you were in such a good mood?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yes, because of the conversation we had yesterday.

It was so incredibly gratifying, to have someone else appreciate his company, to have someone else welcome him and for him to be able to improve her life just by being around. It validated him and his life in a way that nothing else could.

<APyreInside81> Same here. I was thinking about it too. I feel like I smiled a lot today.

<PhoenixMoon86> What did you do today?

<APyreInside81> Well, I was at work... I work full-time, so I usually spend all day there.

<PhoenixMoon86> Oh, that's nice. Do you like your work?

<APyreInside81> It's okay. It's not the greatest job in the world, but I can tolerate it.

<PhoenixMoon86> If you don't really like it, why don't you find something better?

<APyreInside81> I guess I just don't want to switch to something unfamiliar. I'd worry about leaving for something even worse. Sometimes the devil you know is better than the one you don't, you know?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yeah, I understand. It was like that with my ex-boyfriend. I should have left him a long time ago, but I guess I was just too hung up on him. I stayed with him because I didn't want to be alone.

<APyreInside81> I know what that's like. I feel like I've been in that same situation.

<PhoenixMoon86> Really? You're a young, smart guy. It must be easy for you to meet women.

<APyreInside81> Not really. Well, I guess it's easy to MEET them, but staying in long-term relationships is difficult.

<PhoenixMoon86> Why do you find it difficult?

<APyreInside81> I guess I'm just not very interesting. People don't find me someone they want to stay with because I'm boring.

<PhoenixMoon86> That's not true at all. I find you very interesting.

<APyreInside81> Maybe you'll change your mind with time.

<PhoenixMoon86> I've been reading your blog for years. I know what you're like. You're not boring.

<APyreInside81> Well, thank you. I'm glad someone thinks so, really. It's nice that you think that.

<PhoenixMoon86> So wait, you're single AND you're in a job you don't really like?

<APyreInside81> Something like that, yes.

<PhoenixMoon86> I bet you could find something better here. Why not move here and kill two birds with one stone?

<APyreInside81> Whoa, wait a minute... Yesterday we were talking about me maybe taking a trip there to meet you, and now you're already talking about me MOVING there to be with you? Isn't it a little too soon for that?

<PhoenixMoon86> Do you think it is?

She had a way of throwing his questions back at him in such a way that they revealed what he'd been secretly thinking. The truth was, of course, that he'd already had the thought before she mentioned it, but he'd dismissed the idea as crazy and rash. He'd said that she was bringing it up too fast as a way of making himself appear rational and cautious, but...

<PhoenixMoon86> If it takes you this long to answer, I already know the answer.

<APyreInside81> Oh? And what is the answer?

<PhoenixMoon86> You tell me.

<APyreInside81> Why? You said you already know the answer.

<PhoenixMoon86> I want you to prove that I was right.

<APyreInside81> But if I say something, then it's easy for you to claim that that was the answer you were thinking of. If you want to prove that you know what I'm thinking, then YOU have to tell ME what I'm thinking to prove that you can read my mind.

<PhoenixMoon86> Sam? I need to ask you to do something.

<APyreInside81> Um, okay.

<PhoenixMoon86> Please don't read into what I say so much. I want you to trust me.

<APyreInside81> Well, I do trust you. It's not that I don't trust you. But if you say that you know what I'm thinking...

<PhoenixMoon86> I do.

<APyreInside81> You say you know it, or you actually know it?

<PhoenixMoon86> Both.

<APyreInside81> Then what am I thinking?

<PhoenixMoon86> You're imagining what it would be like to be here with me.

<APyreInside81> All right, but that one was too easy.

<PhoenixMoon86> Too easy? What do you mean?

<APyreInside81> Well, it's obvious that I would be thinking about that now.

<PhoenixMoon86> Why is it obvious? Didn't you say that it was too soon for that?

<APyreInside81> Yes, but I can still think about it.

<PhoenixMoon86> Why would you think about it, if it's too soon?

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed his palms against his face. He had a feeling their conversation was going in pointless circles. There was something funny about it, and yet at the same time there seemed something wrong with it.

<APyreInside81> I'm sorry, I don't want to argue about this... Don't get too caught up on the point. I'm sorry I said it was too soon. If you want to talk about it now, we can talk about it now.

<PhoenixMoon86> We're not arguing, we're just discussing. :) Sorry if you felt like we were fighting. I just want to make sure I understand, since you didn't tell me what you were thinking.

<APyreInside81> Thinking about what?

<PhoenixMoon86> Anything at all. Tell me what you're thinking about right now.

He had always found it annoying when someone asked him what he was thinking about. Thoughts are something private, not to be seen or known by others. He was willing to share his thoughts when he wanted to do so, but if he ever happened to be thinking about something that he didn't want to share with others, it bothered him when people asked. He took another deep breath and decided to continue on the current line of conversation.

<APyreInside81> I'm thinking about what it might be like if I visited you.

<PhoenixMoon86> Thank you for telling me. See, it wasn't so hard to be honest, was it?

<APyreInside81> No, it wasn't.

<PhoenixMoon86> Are you angry or annoyed with me?

<APyreInside81> No I'm not. Sorry if I seemed that way.

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm glad. Can I ask though why you said it's too soon if you don't think it is?

<APyreInside81> It seemed like a reasonable thing to say. I mean, we don't want to rush into anything.

<PhoenixMoon86> Can I please ask you for something else?

<APyreInside81> Sure.

<PhoenixMoon86> Please don't tell me things just because you think they're "reasonable" if they're not really what you think or feel. I can read a self-help book if I want some well-researched advice about what's logical or reasonable or rational. I ask you things because I want to know how you really feel. So when I ask you how you're feeling or what you're thinking, can I please ask you to be completely honest with me? I don't care how much you think that I might be bothered or offended by your answer; I promise you that lack of honesty from you is the only thing you could say that could ever offend me.

<APyreInside81> I appreciate your sincerity. It means a lot to me. But you understand that the idea of baring my innermost thoughts and feelings to a near-stranger is something that will take some time, right? It will take a while before I know you well enough to trust you with my deepest and most personal thoughts and feelings.

<PhoenixMoon86> You already do that in your blog. You already show your most personal thoughts and feelings to the whole entire world, including any anonymous person who happens to be browsing through.

<APyreInside81> That's a little different. I choose what to write on my blog. I choose what to show and what to conceal. Yes, my blog is public, but I also write it with the public in mind, and I wouldn't put anything there that is private.

<PhoenixMoon86> Okay. We'll get to know each other better with time. Will you trust me enough later to tell me everything?

<APyreInside81> Maybe. Sorry, I don't mean to shut you out or push you away, I just... I mean, I need time.

<PhoenixMoon86> Fair enough. Let's try it now. How do you feel right now?

He paused.

<APyreInside81> Unsure.

The pause was not lost on her.

<PhoenixMoon86> Is that the first thing that came into your mind?

<APyreInside81> Um, I'm not sure.

<PhoenixMoon86> Then it isn't, because you had to think about it. Close your eyes for a moment and tell me the feeling that you feel the most.

He tried closing his eyes as she'd said, but when he opened them again, he typed:

<APyreInside81> I don't know.

<PhoenixMoon86> Are you excited?

<APyreInside81> Um, I guess so.

<PhoenixMoon86> Really?

<APyreInside81> Maybe, I don't know.

<PhoenixMoon86> You just said you guess you're excited. You're not being open with me, Sam. I feel hurt by that. I know that we've only just met, but I would tell you anything, anything at all, and you don't even know me. I've known you for years, so I think it's fair that you can trust me.

<APyreInside81> All right, yes, I'm excited.

<PhoenixMoon86> What are you excited about?

<APyreInside81> I don't know, you're asking me a lot of questions, but instead of feeling intrusive or annoying like it should, it feels kind of flattering that someone takes this much interest in me. I mean, I don't really think that I'm someone very special.

<PhoenixMoon86> You see, Sam, it wasn't that difficult to tell me your honest feelings, was it?

<APyreInside81> I guess not.

<PhoenixMoon86> And you're right, therapists and counselors might say that it "should" feel intrusive to be questioned, but you don't feel like my questions are intrusive, do you?

<APyreInside81> No I don't. Like I said, it's kind of nice that you take such an interest in me. I feel gratified.

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm glad. I have one other question. Is it okay if I ask?

<APyreInside81> Sure.

<PhoenixMoon86> Are you hard?

He actually looked down to visually assess the answer to this, which was completely unnecessary because he had been aware of a raging erection in his pants for several minutes now. He couldn't quite explain what was going on, but something about what was happening was definitely agreeable to his sex drive, considering how his penis was reacting to the conversation. Normally he would be embarrassed to admit it, but since she'd asked the question AND asked for his honesty, he went ahead and told the truth.

<APyreInside81> Yes.

<PhoenixMoon86> Oh, I'm very glad. I hoped you would be. Can you tell me why you are?

<APyreInside81> Actually no... I just am.

She couldn't help but smile to herself in quiet, smug victory. It had been a gamble to push ahead the way she did; she had been worried that she might be probing him too hard, that he might back off or retaliate against her line of questioning, but she had a pretty good idea of who he was and what he was like: a strong mind but a weak will, intelligent but gullible and easy to lead. She'd seen in his writing a mind that needed leadership, and in one particular post about women, she'd realized what even he probably didn't realize: that he wanted a strong woman to take some authority in his life. Did he have mommy issues? Had he grown up in a very authoritarian environment? Psychology suggests that people end up looking for partners who resemble their parents, and she was curious about what his relationship with his mother had been. These were thoughts and ideas to explore later. For now, it was important to make sure that he continued to react positively to her. That meant less thinking from him and more of an emotional reaction. At the moment, he was too intellectual; she liked a smart guy, but what she really enjoyed was the idea of turning a smart guy into a dumb one. And a man's number-one weapon against his own intellect had made itself physically manifest between his legs.

<PhoenixMoon86> I think I need to ask you to do something else for me. Can I please make a request?

<APyreInside81> Sure.

<PhoenixMoon86> Will you promise that you'll do it?

<APyreInside81> If I can.

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm sure you can. I need to ask you to stop trying to be "reasonable" based on what you think reasonable should mean. You said that you told me something which wasn't really true because you wanted to be reasonable. That upsets me and hurts me. I will be the voice of reason for us. I need you to react without using reason. Just trust your emotions and your instincts, and act based on how you feel.

<APyreInside81> Umm... Isn't that kind of dangerous?

<PhoenixMoon86> Why would it be?

<APyreInside81> If I stop thinking reasonably, then I could end up making a dumb decision because I didn't think about it.

<PhoenixMoon86> Do you think you're capable of thinking reasonably?

<APyreInside81> Why, do you think I'm not?

<PhoenixMoon86> Think for a moment about how your dick feels right now. Think about how YOU feel right now. Do you really think that your reactions are based on logic or reason? Are you really the calm and rational one here?

In his current state, he wasn't really in a position to give an answer to that other than the obvious one.

<PhoenixMoon86> Again, considering how long you have to think about that one, I see that you already know the answer. So please, just trust me, Sam. We both know that you're not able to think as calmly and rationally as I am. I will be the voice of reason for both of us. Please, I need you to trust your emotions and go with them. Okay?

<APyreInside81> Okay. You're right, I'm not in a condition to be making serious decisions right now.

<PhoenixMoon86> I know. I'm just imagining you sitting there with a hard-on between your legs. I must admit I find the idea really nice. Can you please start stroking it for me?

<APyreInside81> Um... Well... Actually... I might have been already doing that, a little bit.

Perfect,

she thought in silent victory. There was no better way to make a man stupid.

<PhoenixMoon86> Wow, I'm really flattered that you're already stroking yourself for me. So much for it being "too soon." Please continue. I want you to keep doing it. Don't stop until I tell you to.

<APyreInside81> Okay.

<PhoenixMoon86> Mmm, I like it when you agree with me, Sam. Don't you like it when you agree with me? Be honest, please. Remember, all I ask from you is honesty.

<APyreInside81> Yes, I like it.

<PhoenixMoon86> Does it feel good to agree with me?

<APyreInside81> Yes, it does.

If only this were a real conversation and not a text chat; she would have loved to hear how breathlessly he would have exhaled the word "Yes." She squeezed her legs together just thinking about it.

<PhoenixMoon86> There's just one thing I want to add. Will you agree with me if I add one more thing?

<APyreInside81> Sure.

<PhoenixMoon86> Promise?

<APyreInside81> Promise.

<PhoenixMoon86> No orgasm.

A wave of excitement rippled through his body. He gasped so deeply that it seemed for a moment as though he were drowning. When he regained control of himself, he made an effort to type clearly with one hand despite his state of heightened arousal.

<APyreInside81> Why?

<PhoenixMoon86> Because you want to.

<APyreInside81> I do?

<PhoenixMoon86> Don't bullshit me. Tell me the truth.

<APyreInside81> I guess you're right. I do.

<PhoenixMoon86> You guess?

<APyreInside81> I mean, I'm sure I want it. You're right.

<PhoenixMoon86> Then tell me what it is that you want.

<APyreInside81> I want to avoid having an orgasm.

<PhoenixMoon86> Not only do you want to not orgasm, you want it more than anything. More than anything else in the world, you want to hold your cum inside, because I told you to, and you want to obey me more than anything.

<APyreInside81> Yes

She exhaled in quiet relief. She had been a bit unsure of the level of risk she was taking, but it had been worth it. It would all be easy from here. As long as he kept himself from orgasming, she could get him to do anything. An already pliable man would become utterly unable to resist her, because he wanted to submit anyway. She just needed him to get used to his need to submit to her.

<PhoenixMoon86> Two weeks from now, I want you to be here. You will remain here for two weeks. You will schedule the vacation time tomorrow at work, but you will book the plane ticket online right now. Is that clear?

<APyreInside81> yes

<PhoenixMoon86> Good. Do not stop masturbating, but do not orgasm. If you feel yourself getting close to an orgasm, stop rubbing yourself until the feeling goes away. Do this with one hand while you book your flight with the other.