The Security Guard
"I-I'm sorry" I stammered awkwardly, "I guess I didn't expect 'Dr. Thorpe' to be a woman."
Dr.
Stephanie
Thorpe fixed me with a look, the one shrinks always do where it feels like they're reading your mind. "Do you have an issue with that?" she said, piercingly.
"No, not at all!" I wasn't lying, either. I worked with plenty of women in my job as it was, and I'd grown used to the soppy 'talk about your feelings instead of bottling it up' stuff around them. It didn't hurt that she was pretty, too. But I could have sworn that when the doc gave me the referral for a shrink, he referred to Dr. Thorpe as a man...
"Well then, Bruce" she smiled, "would you like to tell me why you came here today?"
It turns out that 'security guard' is an especially bad job to pair with anxiety. It's only really relevant if things go balls-up, but when that happens you'd prefer if I was The Man With The Plan. I heard that feeling unworthy of my job was just another symptom of anxiety and thinking that way would just make it worse, which would make me feel less able to do my job, which would make me even more anxious, blah blah blah. So here I was, sucking it up and trying therapy to deal with my problems.
I told Dr. Thorpe this, and she pursed her lips in thought. They were very nice lips, actually, full and bow-shaped. Please, doctor, think about my problems more often.
"Alright, Bruce," she said, "well the first thing we need to do is understand where in your life your anxiety stems from. There could be many triggers, or there could be one. Would you like to tell me more about your life?"
I ran a hand through my beard, puzzled, and asked "What specifically about my life?"
She shrugged, "Anything that comes to mind. It will all help, even if just to get a sense of how you think."
So I told her. Not much social life, hadn't had a girlfriend in a while, most of my interaction with people, especially women, came from my job. It wasn't a bad life, maybe a little less than what I'd like, but I couldn't complain.
Dr. Thorpe rested her chin on her hand thoughtfully once I was finished. "I think there's a lot here we can cover while you're having these sessions. Solving any one issue in your life is likely going to require solving others, and it sounds like you have a few things troubling you in addition to anxiety."
That was ridiculous. I had absolutely no reason to complain about my life. There was barely anything troubling me. I shoved down the treacherous voice in the back of my head saying
'How did she know?!
'
"Erm," I said, "let's try the anxiety first. That's the big one."
"Of course," Dr. Thorpe smiled, "but it sounds like you're holding a lot back from me, perhaps in ways you don't even realise. It's more common than you might think" she added, no doubt seeing my skeptical look.
"Well, I've told you all I can, doctor, so what do you suggest?"
Dr. Thorpe steepled her fingers, and replied "I think from what you've told me that you're a very guarded person, no pun intended. You seem thoughtful, but not accustomed to introspection. I would like this office to be a place where you can truly open up and be yourself. If you find yourself uncomfortable with that kind of self-examination, that in itself could be a symptom of anxiety. I suggest we try hypnotherapy."
"What?" I scoffed. "Hypnotherapy? Like the whole 'you are getting sleepy' thing?"
"Yes, the whole 'you are getting sleepy' thing" Dr. Thorpe smirked. I got the feeling she'd answered this question before.
She continued, "If you are having trouble expressing your innermost feelings, we can take the self-conscious, self-critical part of your mind out of the equation, and you will be able to speak freely without suffering your own judgement."
That... was a tempting idea. "Well, I would like to stop judging myself," I sighed, "so let's give it a shot."
"Alright," Dr. Thorpe stood up and searched a shelf at the back of her office, "I should tell you that it's perfectly normal to feel like you're falling asleep during hypnotherapy. I won't find it rude of you."
"Yeah, that figures" I joked back, "goes with the whole 'you are getting sleepy' part."
Dr. Thorpe smiled indulgently, "The important thing is that we find you something to focus on." She displayed the things she had searched for, "What'll it be? The candle, the metronome, the necklace, or something else?"
My gaze flickered briefly down to her chest. I knew exactly what I'd like to focus on if I had to look at something for the next hour. Well, a guy can dream. I snapped out of it and said "Erm, the necklace?"
"Perfect" Dr. Thorpe replied, piling the other things back onto the shelf. "Make yourself comfortable on that couch while I bring up a chair next to you."
I felt a bit silly, lying there and waiting to be hypnotised by a shrink. That wasn't how it
really
worked, was it? Dr. Thorpe pulled up a chair next to the couch so she could look me right in the eyes. She was even lovelier up close. As she dangled the necklace in front of me, I had a perfect line of sight straight to her chest, and some arguably unprofessional cleavage framed by strands of long brown hair. I wasn't going to complain, though it made focusing on the necklace a little harder. Wouldn't want her to get a bad impression of me right off the bat.
"The first step," Dr. Thorpe began, and her voice was suddenly a lot more calm and soothing, "is to try and control your breathing." She started swinging the necklace gently back and forth. It was an intricate sort of circle of silver, with the jewel, sapphire maybe, embedded in the middle. The lines and patterns around it made it look a bit like a star.
She said, "Just relax and focus on my necklace, as you take a deep breath in, hold, and let it out slowly. Good. You're feeling more relaxed already, aren't you?"
It was true. Forcing myself to control my breathing had let out all the tension in my shoulders. I hadn't realised I was holding so much of it. I nodded, keeping my eyes on her necklace.
"And as you keep breathing slowly in and slowly out like that," Dr. Thorpe continued, "I want you to notice your stress leaving your body. With each breath, just draw out the tension from each part of your body. Your shoulders... your arms... your legs... your chest... everywhere that you've been holding that tension, as you just focus on my necklace. Watch it swing back and forth, back and forth, as you relax, and the tension just drains right out of your body. Don't let anything else distract you. In, and out, relax. Back, and forth, relax. You may find that as you relax, as you let go of you tension, that you're getting a little sleepy. That's absolutely fine. Just keep focusing on the jewel at the centre of my necklace, as your eyes get so heavy, relaxed, and sleepy. Keep focusing until you're too relaxed to keep your eyes open any longer."
It was good--surprisingly good--to relax like this, and I realised I was letting go of tension from my body that must've been there for years. Chiropractors, who needs 'em? But, whatever she said, I wasn't getting sleepy. Just not feeling it. Or maybe I was too strong-willed. How long should I let her go on?
She was still swinging the necklace, whispering "You're doing very well. When I snap my fingers, you can allow yourself to fall completely asleep, the slow, rhythmic swing of my necklace still in your mind's eye, feeling so relaxed and sleepy now, as I count down from 5 to 1. 5, letting all your cares just float away. 4, letting my beautiful necklace soothe your tired eyes and weary mind to sleep. 3, impossible to keep your heavy eyes open any longer. 2, closing your eyes, drifting into a deep hypnotic trance for me. Completely open, completely relaxed... aaannd 1. How do you feel now, Bruce?"
I had closed my eyes as she told me to, just to see if I would feel any different. But I didn't. I felt relaxed, sure, but otherwise I felt... completely normal. I opened my eyes again, just to prove that I could, and looked up at Dr. Thorpe.
"Sorry," I grinned, "it didn't work. Guess I'm just too strong-willed to be hypnotised."
Dr. Thorpe smiled wryly down at me as she tucked the necklace away. "So it would seem" she said.
I was not ready for her to cup my face in her hands and kiss me on the lips.