The following posts were recovered from popular Social Media website ReadIt for preservation in the Overlord Archive. All traces of the original postings and references to them have been scrubbed from the website at the direction of DAPPER. TalesFromTheLobby is a group on ReadIt Devoted to stories from hotel staff and owners regarding comical and frustrating customer interactions.
ReadIt/ Tales From The Lobby
Hey guys, longtime lurker, first time poster. And do I have a wild one for you. All names have been changed to protect identities and my business.
I run a small Hotel in a small no count town in southern Indiana. I inherited it from my grandma when she passed two years ago, and while the place has been impeccably kept, it was always kinda...I won't say sketchy because in truth we're very clean and reputable. But let's just say it's weird that we're even here.
See back in the days of steamboat travel and even up into the 30s this town was a huge hub for travelers on the river, but now it's pretty much just meth and the people who use it. We still get antiquers and some people who come to gawk at the historic old houses lovingly restored by retired folks, but our only other tourist draw is a nearby state park that crunchy assholes love for rock climb. None of that translates to big business. But I've managed to make a little bit of a transition to billing this place as a couples retreat on AirBnB, and it's currently in the black, and paying for both my bills and college.
With all that out of the way on to the story. So at around 2 a.m. last night I got a reservation for the far block. Literally the whole six far adjoining rooms were all booked as one by one party for tonight and tommorow night. They listed 9 adults, asked for late check in, and the account doing the listing didn't have a picture but it had a name and driver's license attached. Henry Krvopija. Quick search and dudes pushing 80. So probably a senior citizens trip to the antique stores. Awesome right? I make the reservation, turn over the rooms and make sure they're a little warmer than usual and have extra pillows. Save myself the complaints later.
Well tonight, around 9 p.m. just as the rain's starting to kick up in rocks the Krvopija party. Two black escalades and a limmo. 8 men all in their late 20s to early 40s dresses to the fuckin nines and one butch woman in her thirties who looked like her suit cost more than the whole hotel walk into my lobby and start milling about and talking animatedly. With them were a dozen beautiful women who were dressed for a night out...or a costume party in some cases. Slutty flapper costumes, a couple of poodle skirts, and one in what can only be described as sexy debutante. One of the slutty flappers was literally just my type, curvy and thick with cute dimples cheeks and a sort of goth asthetic about her. They were all laughing and had obviously been having quite the good time on the drive down from...Indy? Cincinnati? Maybe St. Louis.
So, red flags start flying. Obviously this was some frat meetup or bachelor party looking to straw man their registration with their grandfather's account knowing full well nobody wants to clean up after them. But one of the guys walks up to the desk and I can start to recognize immediately he's much older than I originally thought. He's got that George Clooney thing where his skin's fuckin immaculate and he doesn't have a rinkle on him, and his hair's only gray st the temples, but this dude's whole presence just gave me "WW2 vet grandpa" energy. So he introduces himself as Henry and we start the check in process. I immediately mention that I'm gonna have to charge him more because of the extra guests and he kinda pauses. He kinda rubbed his neck and explained that this was his nephew's bachelor party and his future wife was kinda psycho. If their reservation didn't show it was just the 9 of them it would be hell to pay.
I basically said "Listen the reservation can be for 9 but I'll have to charge an additional cleaning fee and I'll tack on an incidental fee but leave the occupancy the same. He lights up obviously pleased and quickly agrees. So I take his credit card to put on file and my fellow clerks you already know it was Black and it was Roman. So my greedy little heart lit up with payday. I tell Henry that they've basically got the block to themselves so they can have fun and get loud if need be, don't stain or break anything they don't wanna pay for, and call me if they need ANYTHING. He thanked me and they went off to the rooms with their party except for two of the girls heading back out to the escalade to struggle with their bags. Kind of a dick move to make the ladies do the bags so I ran out to help them. One was the pretty flapper I'd noticed earlier. The girls seemed kinda out of it like they were already high on something. They thanked me for my help but kinda kept mumbling about having to get the bags and get to the room and their eyes were like completely unfocused. So I politely helped them load a baggage cart and roll it inside before excusing myself. Definitely don't wanna get caught up in anything like that. I may cater to the wild crowd but I'm pretty straight laced myself.
After the girls left I just chilled at the desk doing homework for my classes till I got tired around midnight. I put out the "ring for service" sign and headed back into my apartment to catch some Zs.
Around 2 a.m. I get a call from one of the only other occupied rooms in Krvopija block. A regular of mine named Dustin who comes here to fuck his wife's sister on the DL. Now Dustin knows I don't give a shit what he does, but he also knows if he starts pulling me out of bed at 2 I might start. Dustin's freaking out saying there are some crazy noises coming from my party of 20s rooms. Like supernaturally freaky noises. He says they're scaring his lady and I need to address it or he'll call the cops. Ha, fat chance, but I do run a business so I assure him I'll deal with it. I call down to the Krvopija block rooms and start with the closest room, let it ring two or three times then call the next. I get to the third room before Henry answers. Basically I tell him that while he can absolutely party to keep the spooky sound affects to a minimum because he's freaking out other guests. Henry apologizes and says they'll quiet down. Ha, right.
Sure enough four a.m. I get a buzz at the front desk. Come out and it's Dustin and his SIL. Packed and freaked out, demanding to check out early. They looked freaked. Said they heard shit like stuff crawling on the ceiling in the hallways, animals growling, and old timey music playing constantly. I apologize and assure them they don't have to that I'll have words with the guests in question but when I said that they went white as fuckin ghosts and pretty much begged me not to. They basically said they didn't even want the other folks to know they existed, paid and dashed. So at this point I'm a little annoyed. Partying is one thing, scaring my regulars is another. So I grab my pistol and tazer and go down to check. Anyone who's been in this industry any amount of time knows why I'm armed.
Well I get to the far end of the North Wing and there's obviously a party going on in the rooms. There's some old school New Orleans Jazz bopping and laughter coming from the farthest room, and the sounds of some seriously wild sex coming from the middle one. Well I go to the farthest one, not wanting to interrupt anyone, and give a knock on the door. The butch chick opens the door and glares at me, she's down to her undershirt and suspenders and her fly is open. She's got what I hope is red wine on her chin and an absolutely fuckin feral look in her eyes.
"Fuck you want" was what I understood her saying but I'm pretty sure she didn't speak English. I started into the whole "Hey we've had another noise complaint, I don't mind the music and partying but the shouting and running up and down the hall's gotta stop". This chick looks at me like she's about to rip my eyes out with her fingers, and I kinda subconsciously take a step back. I'm a big fuckin dude but this little 5'4 butch supermodel seemed confident enough she could fuck me up I was starting to believe it.
That exact moment Henry appears with his shirt completely undone showing off some awesome traditional tats and miss debutant with her tits out on his arm. Defuses the whole situation and assured me there won't be any more problems. When I mentioned one of my regulars leaving due to them I made it clear that if I had any more lost business I'd have to cancel their second night and kick them out. Hebry nodded and seemed serious for a moment. He basically said "Charge us what you think is fair in incidentals and I'll send a nice tip your way too". Whole time little miss debutant it sucking on his neck with a look in her eye like this dude's really Clooney, finger fucking herself with one hand and squeezing her tits with the other. I just nod and leave.
Get back to my apartment and try to go back to sleep, struggle for a bit due to the sheer fuckin dread I felt when Butch Bitch tried to disembowel me with her eyes, but manage to grab around 6 hours of shut eye before I had to get up for checkouts. I'm writing this now at around noon. Their driver, who I might add slept in the fuckin limo, left in one of the SUVs and came back two hours later with enough carryout containers I let him use a luggage cart to haul them to the rooms, then walked back out to the limo and I guess went back to sleep in the back. I'm used to rich people being fucking nuts but holy shit this is wild.
