Lexi's Exploration

Author's Note: This story continues to be a lot of fun to write. I love the idea of exploring if those lust filled, kinky sides of ourselves were not buried deep in our brain but could come forward to teach us something about ourselves. What if we had no choice but to listen to that side of ourselves? Because of those themes, this section is a bit smaller but felt like an important piece to stand alone. I love trying to activate those kinky parts in my reader's brains. Please feel free to let me know what you think.

-Sara

Part 3: Exploring the Wide World of Kinks and the Dark Recesses of my Mind.

Following the seduction of Evan in the basement I ended up spending a lot of time away from my apartment. I had learned my lesson from my time avoiding Caitlyn and Daniel that it was not productive. However, I generally did want to try to take things slower. To be fair, in comparison to impromptu anal sex in a public laundry room anything is slower, but still.

Evan and I had gone to get coffee a few times since. The first time was one of the more awkward moments. I started by apologizing and stating that I haven't been myself lately. Which was true. And I really tried to put it behind me but I found it difficult. Every time we spoke about every day things, trying to get to know each other better, my mind was just filled with thoughts of what we had done together, what I wanted to keep doing. I felt desperately needed that sexual gratification. The problem was, deep down, I knew I didn't actually care who it was with. If I was being honest there is a 50/50 chance the same thing would have happened with anyone that I encountered that day in the laundry room. And so I wanted to slow down to see if there could be a time when I really wanted to be with him specifically. And the truth was, I was unsure.

In the meantime I had to find ways of trying to subdue that sexual side of me. I could still feel it wanting to come out. Like it was just waiting to control. I felt like Jekyll and Hyde. I had the idea that my Hyde self, the part that lived in the lust filled recesses of my mind, needed to come out sometimes but it had to be in a controlled way.

I came to the conclusion that I had to give into it some of the time. This happened on another night when I could hear Caitlyn and Daniel having sex. The moans sounded as though they were right against the wall. The thrusts sent vibrations out as though hands or a torso was being hit so hard it was trying to be forced through the drywall. That Hyde self came out and told me that I should go and join them. Knock on their door and give into their whims. The urge was strong. So strong that I actually found myself standing up and walking to my own bedroom door. I was able to stop myself but I knew that this would get stronger. I couldn't hold it back or it would eventually take over and I would be once again, at the whim of it's desire.

I stripped off my clothes and went back to my bed. Straddling my pillows at my knees so I could lean my chest against the wall. I could still hear the thudding and moaning, just a few inches of plaster stood between us. My hand squeezed my small breast before working its way down my abdomen and over my pussy. I finally gave into my lust.

Continuing to play with myself, I can feel the lust in me grow. I also instinctively know that they know I am here on the other side of the wall and they are letting their lustful subconscious out as well. There is a connection between the three of us that is formed that night and I don't think it will ever go away. This thought heightens my orgasm. I can feel it rush through me.

The next day I was in Caitlyn and Danel's apartment. Daniel was making eggs as Caitlyn and I discussed this.

"So," I was explaining, "I think I can keep this at bay, or at least temporarily so. It seems that regular orgasms will help it calm but that comes with two parts. First, I am going to need some better tools."

With that, I hand my phone to Caitlyn and add, "I am going to need you to edit that shopping cart down to three items. That inner side of me would not let me change it."

Her eyes widen as she takes my phone. I can see her finger scrolling through the shopping cart that I had filled with sex toys before passing out last night. "Lexi," she said, "there are 43 items."

"Yeah, I was actually really lucky that my bank didn't allow it to go through for fraud protection or I would be broke right now, because you better believe I kept trying to hit buy last night."

"Okay!" She continued, "Well this is a must, and this guy, I guess you can borrow this from me if you ever need it so that's gone. Oh and this little guy. There, everything you need for a good starter kit. But also, we have been talking and we could always, um help. If that was something you were into. Like, we have the same reactions and it is happening to all of us and we can lean on each other if needed."

I paused, trying to force back the lustful thoughts in my mind before continuing. "That brings me to my second point," I continued while taking my phone back and purchasing the items, "I know you can help. And I am not saying we should not get together. Rather, the opposite. In fact, had I not given in last night I think my subconscious would have me lying naked on the floor waiting for the two of you." I could see a flicker in Caitlyn' eyes and knew that lust was trying to take control in her. I knew that mental fight well.

I tried to continue as fast as I could before things got out of hand, "But we don't know how long this lasts and I have a lot of unsorted stuff to figure out in my brain and I think I just need to figure out how to control this thing before it gets to that point. I have to test that out and test out myself and see what I like and don't. Honestly, this has opened a lot of doors in my brain that I didn't even know were there. I need to get a system of figuring those out"

"Ahh," Daniel said, coming into the room with plates of eggs and toast, "the scientific approach."

"Well," I said, "yeah. I mean as a researcher, doesn't it appeal to you that an artifact you were working with ACTUALLY had the power that it claimed to."

"It absolutely does," Daniel replied, after finishing a sip of hot coffee, "But also I can't really publish that in a peer reviewed journal. I can see it now. It would have some scientific title like, 'Ancient Fertility Gods and Their Relevance in Modern Society.' Subheading: 'How my self, my wife, and our friend are now perpetually horny.'"

"Yeah, maybe don't submit that for publication." Caitlyn agreed, seeming to finally shake whatever thoughts were in her head. I saw her grab a pen and paper from a desk and frantically start to write something down,

"What are you working on?" I asked her as she kept writing and periodically looking at her phone for something.

"You'll see in a second. Eat your eggs." She said, almost scolding me. There was something about that tone that sent excitement shivering through my body.

Finally, she tore off a piece of paper and handed it to me. Scanning it my eyes widened. "What is this for?" I finally asked, quizzically.

"It's a list." She seemed so pleased with herself and bounced a little in her chair. I half expected her to clap her hands giddily.

"I can see that its a list," I responded, "But I am a bit perplexed. This is like a list of, like, ALL the kinks."

Caitlyn seemed almost offended that her list hadn't made sense immediately as she snatched it from my hand. It was clear that in her mind the logic was flawless. "See if you are going to be scientific about this I thought this would help focus. This way you, and those toys you ordered can see what you are into. Also you can see if exploring that category by yourself satiates that need or makes it strong. So, you get your phone, you get your toy, you go to a category on here and search it up as porn or erotica or whatever, flick the old bean and then make a note next to it."

I take the note back while admitting defeat. "Okay, you're a genius. A perverted genius, but a genius."

"Thank you. On that note," she says, "You got to excuse me, this perverted genius has to work a wedding this afternoon."

"And I have to do a lot of laundry so I can pack" Daniel adds.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Conference in the city. I leave the day after next but I like to be ready." He said.

I could hear Caitlyn chuckle from the other room, "Don't worry Lexi, you can help him do laundry next time."

The next day was long at work. It had been the least of my worries recently, but I think with an influx of people moving into the area for school it was getting busier. Because of this stress I find myself overjoyed for the package that is on my doorstep. Thank God for next day delivery. And sorry to whatever warehouse worker didn't get a bathroom break because I just really needed to get off.

I tried to delay gratification as long as I could. I got myself something to eat, checked on the status of a textbook delivery that I had ordered for school. (The irony that I could get sex toys delivered overnight but it took two weeks to deliver a book about math was not lost on me.) There was a show that I had wanted to stream so I thought I would put that on. But my mind kept going back to the box that was eagerly awaiting me on my bed, as well as the list that I had put in my nightstand the day before.

Finally, I couldn't restrain myself any longer and I opened the box. I hadn't even looked to see what had been saved in the cart. There was a standard wand vibrator. There was also a dildo that had multi uses with one side being curved and ending with a ball for, "perfect G-spot stimulation" and the other side thicker for a "fuller penetration." Finally, there was a shorter, thinner dildo with a flared base. They had also tossed in a bunch of lube. How generous.

I wanted to just dive in but I reminded myself that we needed to be rational, and scientific in our approach. The best course of action seemed to be getting the list out to try to automatically eliminate the things that I could. I took a deep breath and tried to will my sexual unconscious mind closer. Then I looked back at the list. The amount of things that I could immediately rule out seemed few and far between for my conscious self.

Looking back on what was left on the list I felt shocked and embarrassed. Was this really me? No, of course not, that was my own shame talking. But it was certainly a part of me. What remained in question was how big a part of me it was. I needed to know. I also realized that I needed to know soon. I would soon be at school with a bunch of things that needed my focus and a bunch of places where letting my Hyde self take over would be devastatingly bad. I had to do this.

Stripping out of my clothing felt so much more vulnerable. LIke I was giving myself over to something bigger than a sexual partner. And in a way I was, I was giving myself over to the complete sexual side of me.

Laying on my bed, my new toys next to me, phone in hand, I really tried to maintain control. At first I had googled erotic stories. This felt like something that I could get into more that porn because it might spark my imagination more. But sifting through felt like to much work. My unconscious self needed instant gratification and it needed it now. I found myself typing automatically. As that darker side of me takes over I can feel less and less of a connection with my body. I was trying to simply watch and observe. Okay, we are looking for spanking. That seems logical given our encounter with Caitlyn. Wait, no the search is being reflined again. I find it hard to keep up. I sense frustration, like my unconscious brain is working to fast for the world it finds itself interacting with.

I see the flash of an image before me. It feels like watching porn through the window of a neighbor's house. I can tell its there, I can feel aroused by it, but I can't control what is on. It almost feels like my unconscious mind is only letting me in on pieces of it. I see flashes of images: A woman bent over a desk as a school teacher using a yardstick on her ass; ropes tying tight onto soft skin; fingers, toys, and penises entering holes; hands slapping asses, tits, and faces; and copious amounts of cum covering bodies or dripping out of holes.

All the while I could feel vibrations rock through my body as I was sliding toys in and out of myself. I couldn't even feel the toys in my hand. That is how much I had given control over to myself. My conscious brain was only flickering on and off with orgasmic bliss. I had no idea how many times I had orgasmed. Was it three? Four? Or, had I just kept going, pushing myself to some orgasmic limit that I couldn't fathom.

I woke up the next day with my alarm going off. I couldn't tell you how many hours of sleep I had but it didn't feel like a lot. I was sprawled naked in my bed. My phone was at two percent and I couldn't even see the sex toys. To my surprise, the list and a pen were near my hands and I had written out detailed notes on the list. I didn't even remember when this had happened. Had my conscious self blacked out? Was this actually making things worse?

The notes I had written continued to surprise me. Next to BDSM I had put simply "I will submit to men, I am a sub for women." There was no greater context or circumstance, just: "for women."

There was a sub section about impact play where I had just written down. "Hands

Caitlyn had made a list of all the places a person could ejaculate on or in me and I simply wrote, "Lots! On, in, around."

Next to the category of gangbang I listed and ranked the number and sex of participating partners from highest to lowest.

Next, to my shock, was watersports where I found a note saying, "There is a time and place for most things*" Under which I specified that the asterisks meant: "Receiving but not giving, except in rare circumstances." Jesus, notes on my kinks had footnotes!

There was a note next to anal sex that said, "You like it. More lube, but it turns you on." Thanks. I could have told you that.

Hell, there was even a note next to CNC, a term I didn't know I knew the definition to until that moment, that simply said, "You like this. Don't be ashamed."

Shit, did I go through the whole list in one night? Based in how my pussy felt I didn't doubt it. I wasn't even sure if my legs would work.

Yet, though I was tired and my mind was swimming with learning things about myself I didn't even know. Though my body was sore and my knees were shaky. I felt different. I felt calmer. After a long shower and a hot cup of coffee I felt almost normal, sore, but normal.

I got dressed and left for work, meeting Evan in the hall in the process. And our interaction was, for once, normal. I didn't need to focus on holding back innuendo. We were able to just have passing small talk. I could pay complete attention as he invited me to one of his soccer games the next week.

Then later, at work, an attractive man and his beautiful partner came in. My mind was able to focus solely on making a dirty chai and a latte. A week ago I would have been lost in fantasy at the sight of the two of them.

Had it gone? Was it just subdued? Either way I was in control. I didn't know for how long and to what extent, but I knew I was back to my old self. Well, not my old self. My old self with so much more knowledge of what I wanted.

That night I met up with some old high school friends. We joked around and I answered their questions about how my new apartment was going as honestly as I could. "I have made some new friends and am enjoying my freedom." It wasn't exactly a lie but it was far from the whole truth. Yet, I still was able to maintain my focus.

The next day I had the early shift which wasn't bad. I had so much more rest and still felt my head clear. Afterward I went onto campus to scope out where my classes would be the following week and to update my parking pass. It all just felt so regular.

The next day was largely the same until the very end. The activities of the day seemed to be enough to distract my mind, but I could feel that familiar tingle in the back of my head.

As I prepared to sleep I made the decision to just try to go to bed without further giving into that lustful Hyde that lived in me. I needed to know how long I could push it.

I spent most of the night tossing and turning. It was hard to sleep. I heard a thunk of a door closing in a room behind me. That sound was Caitlyn coming home from the bar. It must have been about 2:30.

Grabbing my phone it was worse than I thought, 2:52 am. I shot Caitlyn a text: "I hope work was good."

The response was almost instant. "There was a bridal party AND a bachelor party so exhausting. Can't sleep?"

"No," I typed, "I've been tossing and turning."

"So." Caitlyn's text shot back, "I assume the list is going well."

"Actually I am done with the list. It took me one night."

There was a long pause before she responded. For a split second it made me worried to leave things hanging there. "HOLY SHIT." It read, "Can you even walk?!"

I could hear her laugh from the other room as I typed out "Not very well the next day but I found out a lot about me."

There was another long pause before my phone buzzed again, "Care to share?"

Now it was my turn to pause. How did I want to respond to this? "Well, it seems I like a little to a lot of most things." I sent an image of the list.

Now I knew the long pause was her reading my notes on the list.

"Well," I continued, "At this point, this is mostly fantasy. I guess things could change with different experiences."

"So," Caitlyn responded, "What's your fantasy?"

I had felt it growing inside of me this entire time. But it was different. My brain felt more conscious as my thumbs started to automatically typing it out. It was like we worked in tandem because this seemed to meet both of our goals.

"Well," I started "It starts with me on a hike."

Instantly, she responds "Am I there?"

"Yes," I say, my mind immediately adding her into the scene. "We are both on this hike. It is a perfect day. Not to hot or cold. We reach a clearing and suddenly you turn and kiss me deeply. I am surprised and immediately turned on."

Moments later I get a response with just an ellipsis. Three dots beckoning me for more.

"You strip me down," I start. More and more of my lustful self taking control with every word but I am letting it in so it feels more natural, like I am still in control. "You aren't gentle. You literally pull my clothes off, stretching them. Ripping them."

I feel my panties dampen as this fantasy forms quickly and I continue. "You pinch my nipples hard, making me whimper. But quickly, we are distracted by the crunch of footsteps on the grass. Two men come forward and I can see in their eyes the shock and excitement they have."

My story feels juvenile written out for her. There is silence as my thumbs are on the phone, hoping there will be a response but there is none. But right as disappointment and shame start to overtake me their is a subtle knock on the door.

I get out of bed, and make my way through my pitch black apartment to my door. I instinctively know it is Caitlyn. There is a small part of me that almost feels disappointed. I wanted to try to figure this out without her here. But I can't lie that I am excited knowing she is on the other side of the door.

I crack the door open, I am only in my panties and there is a chance it isn't her. She looks over her shoulder seeing if anyone saw her walk down the hall in just panties and her cami. But when her eyes turn back to me I can see that she is in it. I can see that her own lust filled, hypnotic energy is in full control of her. There is the lust mixed with that lack of control. I immediately recognize it and part of me immediately reciprocates it as I open the door.