It all began in my job as a psychotherapist and had numerous women come and see me with complaints of headaches and talk of demanding husbands always wanting sex, that the women did not want to provide. The story was almost always the same, to the same neat pattern.
The women would explain that when they met their husbands, when they were younger, usually in their late twenties, that they had numerous lovers to choose from, and they would either choose the most attractive "hunk" or the best provider. In each case, after marriage of a few years, they would eventually find that their husbands would start to behave selfishly and take them for granted. Then there would be the unwelcome demands for sex which would be inevitably refused. Sexually frustrated husbands would then argue and make further demands, driving the women further away.
Yet, during the intimate talks that intense psychotherapy provides, these same women would admit to quite sexual and even perverse fantasies. These were fantasies of being taken and used, fantasies of sucking cocks of complete strangers in dark clubs and corridors, fantasies of being blindfolded and tied to the bed by their husbands and strange unknown lips kissing and caressing them all over, making them orgasm repeatedly as the stranger/s whispered into their ears how sexy and desirable they looked. Fantasies of anonymous gifts from strangers and of flowers arriving on their work desks from secret admirers; fantasies of being made love to gently by soft, yet dominant men in small groups who would touch them all over stroke their cocks in the girls faces ejaculating all over their breasts while the woman writhed in orgasmic bliss. Yet almost none of these women felt brave enough or game enough to seek out or live out these fantasies.
It began to become such a pattern that I felt further research into the psychology of women was justified. I found numerous online articles and some research into sexual behaviour. I also re-read Sex at Dawn -- on the evolution of human sexuality -- and it started me thinking.
One of the most pronounced and incredible findings that I made, through my psychotherapy sessions with my patients, was that these women, whose husbands complained were basically frigid, or pre-menopausal, would, once divorced, immediately find satisfying and overwhelmingly sensational sex with the first lover they had. Or they would have several lovers at a time and, in what seemed like a reaction to the fear of being perceived a slut that they would marry again quite quickly with Mr. 'best provider', or Mr. 'soul buddy'.
They would marry a type of man who would definitely NOT allow or encourage these women to continue to seek or enjoy these sexual fantasies. It was as if the girls feared losing control and becoming more wanton and slutty.
So I began to think that there is something primal in many, if not all, women and girls that pushes them towards experiences where they can enjoy multiple partners and multiple orgasms -- just like their fantasies. Then they seem to get an attack of moral outrage at their own behaviour and reel themselves back from the brink of carnality.
In further readings of evolution and prehistory I was hugely surprised to find that marriage was actually an invention of men, set in place to control the lascivious nature of women, that civilisations like the ancient Babylonians understood this darker side in women. The city arranged that all wives and girlfriends had to spend some months as prostitutes in the temple to satisfy their wild mating urges, every few years. The husbands, it was rumoured, had not complaints -- they could fuck whichever other wife they liked during her "working months" and their own wives would come home glowing and horny -- or pregnant.
I read that in primitive societies polygamy was more common that not. Another strange but related fact is that the male penis is of a shape to pump the sperm of competing males out of a vagina. Finally, that the female orgasm only seems to happen after extended or multiple couplings. All these primal facts were consistent only if natural female behaviour was wild and sex-crazed. Or perhaps their were many multiple gang-bang rapes in primitive times. Yet other primate behaviour suggested that female chimps and bonobos do not experience rape -- in fact -- they actively pursue male partners -- as many as possible, during their reproductive time.
Was there a wild female sexual beast, held just under control, beneath the surface of a tissue of fabrications and social conventions? Generally it was mothers and grandmothers (post-reproductive females?) who started girls down this path of guilt and that began them on the path to "insanity", driven one way by their primal urges and another by familial and societal expectations, creating a huge internal psychological rift, technically known as cognitive dissonance, with two forces pulling in opposite directions; one pulling in the direction of uninhibited sexual abandon and the other in the direction of an artificial morality.
Girls and women control other girls by calling them sluts, whores, jezebels and other derogatory names to keep their natural inclinations in check by social conventions and mores. It was only the strippers and whores who had broken free, exploring their natural tendencies. Somehow I had to prove my theory.
I began to understand that if this was a true primal urge in most women and that society and women themselves are secretly aware that this urge needs to be suppressed, then it may be the cause of great sexual frustration that leads to the fantasies that were so commonly admitted to. Regular relationship sex did not do anything to 'get the juices flowing' so to speak or to calm these urges. There is nothing risky or taboo or out of control about "normal vanilla sex". The very things required to get women excited are simply not available in most relationships.
So I began to formulate a radical form of therapy to save the marriages and families of these women, to prevent the inevitable divorces that happen so often.
At about this time I met Jodi, and she became my patient. The thing about her was that her case was so classic. Firstly, she refused to believe that she had any fantasies. She never allowed herself to think of men other than her husband, yet she was enormously jealous of him, being a high flying barrister, with two young attractive secretaries in their early twenties, that she said 'looked like strippers in business clothes'. When pressed about this description it became apparent that her husband had a predilection to attend these 'gentlemen's clubs' which she found totally repugnant. So much so, in fact, that she felt unattracted to him, although she said she was still in love. She went on to complain that she felt that, when she did not have sex with him for a number of weeks or months, that he would go out longer and later and sleep more in the spare bedroom, exactly the opposite of the desired effect of her trying to make him want her. I asked her is she tried to entice him with candles and lingerie and she giggled and said "no way, I am not acting like one of those sluts." She was a perfect case for me to try my new theory.
Jodi was a little over-weight, although not too much, in fact, at 5ft 3in and 140 pounds she had a BMI just in the normal range. However, she openly admitted that she was beginning to loathe her body, since she felt she had 'gone to fat' since her newly married weight of 110 lbs, 7 years ago. At 33 years old she had a beautiful, girlish face, heart shaped with pouting lips and perfect teeth. Her breasts obviously still held the firmness of youth, and the fact that she had no children, due to the low sperm count of her husband. This apparently did not bother either of them, since her husband was so work-obsessed, and Jodi was obsessed with her own psychological issues. First-world problems we call them.
Jodi told me that she was enormously bored during the day, but that she was terrified that her husband would leave her and she would be alone, with no children, and be too old to have any. She told me she was willing to try anything to try to save her marriage and to enhance her and her husband's love life. She was confused that she became so angry quite often and seemed to blame her husband for everything -- even though she admitted to me it had little to do with his behaviour. In fact, she admitted during a very tearful session that she acknowledged that her own behaviour was probably driving him away. That he was likely to be going out with one or the other of his secretaries, going to strippers or perhaps, even prostitutes -- because she was unwittingly rejecting him.
I took to opportunity to talk to her about some of my theories about sex and dancing, that dancing is a natural aphrodisiac for women and that the women who actually do the stripping are actually in positions of power. That they do not feel exploited and in fact, often feel guilt for exploiting the men who they find it so easy to scam money off simply by dancing in front of them, without any expectation of even the slightest touch, at most clubs. I also explained that the women who are prostitutes often go into the profession because they have found from experience that sex with multiple partners is very arousing. This, I said, is just like in primitive societies when dancing and alcohol, or other drugs that reduce inhibitions, are used as a mechanism to create an orgiastic ritual and that in many of these celebrations that all parties are free to explore sex to the maximum possible extent without guilt. Some societies and social groups are like that now, I said, like swingers clubs.
I could immediately see that Jodi was starting to become flushed and I thought, a little aroused. Then she also started to become angry and raised her voice at me that I was a pervert. However, I calmed her down and simply said that I was a doctor of human behaviour and that much of this can be proven -- it was just academic research. The discussion continued and I suggested that she should go to a strip club with her husband and actually ask a stripper what she thought about what I was saying. Jodi simply said she could never do that and looked quite shocked, although I could see I had got her thinking.
We ended the session with some basic agreements about some things that she should begin to put into play to improve he self esteem, in addition to the therapy and meditation sessions she was doing with me. Firstly, I told her she should get a good personal trainer who she could relate to. Secondly, she should improve her diet, for medical reasons, I said. She should also get regular relaxation massages and I recommended the gym that I attended myself, and I mentioned a personal trainer named Troy and a masseur called Ramon.
She was very resistant to these ideas at first and it was not until two weeks later that she agreed to try to take my advice since nothing else she was trying was improving her relationship. Her husband was becoming even more distant. I told her I would make the appropriate arrangements at the gym for her. Luckily, due to her husband's large bank account, there was no issue with payment. Jodi tried to insist that I choose females in these roles, but I insisted that the natural competition between women would mean that she would feel more jealousy and less motivation if a well-built and attractive girl was training her. She reluctantly agreed.
