The heat hit me with almost physical force as I crested the ridge. I pulled myself over the top, the dirt and gravel digging into my palms, and crouched for a moment getting my breath. Standing up with a stretch I turned around to be dazzled. Spread out for miles all around me was the vast wasteland of the American Southwest; Nothing but scorched earth from horizon to horizon. The crags and peaks stabbed vengefully up at the heavens in an explosion of reds and browns. The sky was a harsh blue, not a speck of cloud anywhere, and there, creeping up over the horizon was the hellish sun; It's fiery wrath pouring down on the dead ground. I closed my eyes against the glare and made no attempt to seek shade.
More then once out here I'd wished that the sun could burn away my memories as easily as it burned away the life of this place. I'd been crossing the desert for...I don't even know how many days. I'd lost track. I stumbled along in a stupor, half-insane from hunger and thirst, but not dying. Every so often I'd come across a nearly dead stream, or some small pond fed by an unknown source, and I would drink up, not caring about the taste or what might be creeping in it, and I would walk on.
After I'd left the hospital, I returned to my apartment. I'd needed to calm down and take stock of everything and try to sort it out. I got dressed, it was early morning but I had no idea the day. I can't say that I cared, either. I sat down and put my shoes on and leaned back in my chair. It reclined back to its limit with a click and tiny bounce, and I sat in silence. Out in the hallway I heard the air conditioner come on with a whir and a few seconds later I felt cool air drift from the vents.
There was so many things to think about I found I couldn't think at all. The weight of my guilt pressed down on me like a slab of concrete resting on my chest. It squeezed the breathe out of me inch by inch. My heart began to race and my face broke out in a cold sweat. Amber's voice echoed in my head, bouncing around the caverns of my mind like an endless echo. I had to get away. Away from Kristel, away from the apartment, away from everyone. So I jumped. No destination in mind, no thought to where I might end up, just away. Hermes had told me that I couldn't jump somewhere if I didn't know where but, as I'd found out rather painfully, that wasn't entirely true. I could throw myself out there, it could have just been anywhere. In retrospect I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't pop up out in the blackness of space somewhere.
I reappeared about one hundred feet in the air over some very hard, very unforgiving (and rapidly approaching) desert ground. I read once in a book that the trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. As much as I tried in those passing seconds, I couldn't figure out exactly how to do that. The ground is pretty big after all. It's funny what goes through your mind at times like that. I hit and I hit hard.
Who knows how long I laid there but it was night when I finally felt able to sit back up. It was dark, the sky was bright with stars, and off in the distance in front of me, was the tell-tale glow of a city. It was Phoenix. At least it felt like Phoenix. The air around me still smacked of Arizona. I got slowly to my feet and took a look at myself; pants ripped and bloody, my shirt no better off and only wearing one shoe. I felt the blood crusted all down my face and neck and my hair was stiff with it. Yeah, I'm a sexy bitch, alright. I found my shoe laying a few feet away and slipped it back on my foot and stared at the horizon, pondering.
Maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe these gifts were really a curse. Maybe it was better for everyone if I simply disappeared. Maybe it would be safer for all. Maybe...maybe I should simply turn and walk away.
And that's what I did.
I turned on my heels and started walking. It think it was south, but it was hard to tell without the sun for some kind of bearing, and I never took an astronomy class. More than that though, it felt like north, so I figured it had to be south. One thing I'd discovered upon arrival to Arizona was that my sense of direction was completely screwed up. In Missouri, I could close my eyes and spin around and when I came to a stop I could tell which direction I was facing, simply by the feel. When I got to Phoenix that was completely backward. The best explanation I can come up with is that there is some sort of metal in the ground that throws off my internal compass. So since my body told me I was going north, I assumed I was heading south.
So that's how I found myself being scorched by the morning sun miles from anyone, and possibly even in Mexico by now. My body ached, the cuts and scratches were taking longer to heal then I thought was normal and I seemed to be dizzy more often then not. My head was simply a ball of pain with a throbbing heartbeat. Still I marched on. I didn't even consider going back. Fuck it, I thought. I couldn't die. So I'm thirsty and I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten, it didn't matter to me. The only person I could hurt out here was me. I could live with that.
*
"Why did you kill me, Stephen?"
Amber appeared before me, looking just as she had on the bed in the hotel room. The same slack features shimmering in the waves of heat coming off the ground. I wiped the stinging sweat from my eyes and stumbled to a halt.
"I...how did you get here? You have to get away from me."
"Why did you kill me?" Her voice was as flat and dead as her eyes.
"But...I didn't. We put you back in the hospital, you were alive."
"You killed me." She started to walk towards me.
"No, I didn't. I saved you. I did." My heart began to race and all I wanted to do was run away. Try as I might however, I could do nothing but cower before my nightmare made flesh. I knew somewhere deep down that it was a hallucination. I hoped it was, anyway. In my delirium I couldn't sort out reality from fantasy. My tormented dreams were carrying over into the waking world and it was getting to the point where I could no longer tell the difference.
She was close to me now, just inches away. I saw the fires of hell burning in her eyes. I had to run away. She pursed her lips and leaned in to kiss me. The thought of those dead lips on mine sent me into a panic. I couldn't even close my eyes to block out the sight of her. I moaned deep in my throat as watched her face inch closer. At the last second I fell backward, smacking the ground with a thud, all the air rushing from my lungs. The spell broken, I jumped to my feet and looked around, but there was nothing but me and the scorpions. She was gone.
"I'm sorry!" I screamed out into the nothingness, my rasping voice moving past my parched lips and falling off like sand. I felt dizziness swirl up from inside me and my vision started to cloud over. Without further ado I collapsed and passed out.
>
*
*
Beware the Jabberwock, my son. The jaws that bite, the claws that catch.
*
I felt something cold on my nose. I opened my eyes and found myself looking into the large, beady eyes of a rabbit. A talking rabbit. Sure, why not.
"I didn't know rabbit's were fans of Lewis Carroll."
It said nothing for so long, it's glimmering eyes just watching, that I figured it was another hallucination, another dream that didn't know to stop when I awoke. Since he didn't want to talk and I had nothing to say, I closed my eyes. Some half-remembered English class brought the next verse to my lips. "Beware the Jubjub bird and shun, the frumious Bandersnatch." I mumbled to myself.
*
Ah, so you do know it then?
*
I cracked an eyelid and peered at him. "Ah, so you can speak, then?"
*
I speak when there is something to say. That's the problem with humans. You talk entirely too much.*
I stared at him, his fuzzy face an off-white and beige mix, and tried to put my thoughts in order. If I was dreaming then should I just go with it or try and wake up? And if I was awake and there really was a rabbit in front of me reciting poetry then...what?
"Well rabbit, is there some reason you've decided to bother me? I was getting along just fine until you showed up sounding like my English teacher."
*
Oh yes, you're doing fabulous, aren't you. You look like the vultures have gotten a hold of you and you didn't know enough to die once they had had their fill. Not that they'd want you at this point, you smell horrible.
*
"Well you'll have to forgive me, I didn't pass any showers on my way to collapsing here."
*
