Fireflies 02 A Beautiful Mess

The shrill dial tone rang from my laptop. I sat alone on my bed, waiting for the call to connect and thinking up a storm, just like I had been all night. My mind raced in the same tired circle. Hypnosis? Was that really a thing that people did in bed? Maybe I was just super naive and it was totally common. But it still made me uneasy. What if he made me do things? What if he messed with who I was? I was entirely too tired for these questions. No, this wasn't the kind of thing I could solve on my own. This was an emergency that called for outside help.

Part of me couldn't believe I was about to talk to her about this, but there was no one else I could turn to. Wally could be a sounding board, if a somewhat embarrassing one. I held him in my lap as I watched the screen. But Wally only knew what I knew, and I knew nothing about hypnosis or even boys really.

I had considered calling my therapist. But just the thought of talking about sex with Dr. Reynolds made me blanch. He was always supportive and patient. I'm sure he would listen to me. But he was a man in his forties and I wasn't about to tell him about my sexual escapades if I could help it.

I was close to my mother. But if she found out that I had a boy over, she'd try to get me on the next plane back to Kansas, so she could stick a bar of soap in my mouth.

No, none of them would do for a conversation about Caleb and his hypnosis kink. This called for the big guns, Caitlyn.

For the first time in my life, I was grateful for time zone differences. Even though it was 5:00 am here, it was already 10:00 am in Spain. That meant Caitlyn was already up before her study abroad classes.

"Buenos Diaaaas or should I say Noches?" Caitlyn's cheery voice said through the static of the call as it connected. I couldn't help but think her pronunciation made her sound incredibly white.

"Yeah I guess five in the morning counts as noches in my book," I yawned.

"Chica, I know. What are you doing up? What was so urgent that you had to talk right now?" Her face leaned over the camera. I could see her skin had tanned. Even her curly, blonde hair looked sun kissed. She looked good, well rested. I figured I must look like a mess. I hadn't slept a wink. I tried not to look at my own image in the video call. I knew the bags were under my eyes. I didn't need to see them, thank you.

My hands fidgeted nervously with the fabric of my pajama pants. "Well I mean really it's not such a big deal. It's just kind of an awkward situation and you talk to me about guys all the time. You're so outgoing, you even talked to me at orientation. You've got way more experience with boys than me, so I figured you wouldn't mind..."

"Girl, just spit it out!"

"I had a boy over!" I blurted out.

"Annie, you beautiful harlot!" she cheered. "Tell me everything. Who was it? Was it Roger?"

"What Roger from Orgo? Ew no. It was Caleb."

"The Caleb? Your white whale, Caleb? The Caleb you've been fawning over since sophomore year? I thought he was with Mimi," She gasped.

"They broke up ok. And yes, that Caleb."

Her brows furrowed with concern. "Annie what's wrong? I'd expect you to be thrilled." Then her eyes went wide. "Was he some kind of jerk? Annie if he was an asshole to you, I will fly over there and... Ok I can't actually afford to do that. But I will blow his ass up online."

I interrupted her "No it wasn't like that. He wasn't mean to me. He just had some... Um... Unusual interests... Um... In bed," I squeaked.

Her look of concern melted into childish amusement. I thought she might fall over laughing. "Ahhh Claro. Now I understand. I've seen a thing or too. What was it? Dish. Was he a foot guy? I'm right aren't I? Did he try to lick those soles?" She teased.

"I..." I shook my head. "No he wasn't a foot guy. It was..."

"Ok I get it. He wanted you to stick a finger in the backdoor didn't he? Look it seems gross but it's actually sooo easy."

"No, it wasn't anything like that. He..."

"Did he want you to tie his..."

"LET ME TALK!" I huffed. My sleep-deprived patience finally ran out.

"Ok. Ok. Sorry. I'll shush." Caitlyn made a show of covering her mouth with her hands.

"He wanted to hypnotize me. We talked about it a little. But I said I wasn't comfortable with that and it kind of killed the mood," I finally said.

Caitlyn fell quiet, which was rare for her. "Huh."

"Huh? Just huh? That's all you have to say?"

"Well it's just, that's a new one for me. I don't know much about it. I'm googling."

"You don't know much about it? I thought you knew about all this stuff."

Caitlyn scoffed, "look Annie, there are like a million fetishes. I've been around, but I don't know everything. What did he say about it?"

"He said it would feel kind of like I was dreaming. It would be a state of deep relaxation and focus, where I would be really open to his suggestions."

"That doesn't sound so bad." I could hear her clicking on her computer.

"Yeah but haven't you ever seen a movie where people get hypnotized? It's always like an evil spell that turns people into mindless zombies. What if he did that to me?" I shivered uncomfortably, imagining my eyes all glassy and unfocused.

"Annie, you watch too many movies. That stuff's not real."

"But what if it is though?" I gasped.

"Well that would mean Caleb lied to you about it. Do you think he would do that?"

"I mean... I don't think so... But I really don't know him that well." I fidgeted nervously.

"Well, how was the rest of the date?" She was still looking around her monitor and her voice sounded distracted.

"It was great. He was kind and he had so many friends there and he seemed really happy I was there."

"Sounds like you still like him."

I traced my finger across my sheets, looking away from the screen. "Yeah, I do," I said in a small voice.

Finally Caitlyn turned away from her screen and focused on the camera again. "Annie, do you really want my advice?"

I clutched Wally to my chest. "I do."

"Ultimately it's your choice, Annie, and you shouldn't do anything you're really uncomfortable with. But if it were me, I'd give it a shot."

"You would? You wouldn't be scared to end up some mind controlled slave?"

"No I wouldn't. I've been checking my... sources and this whole hypnosis thing, seems like mostly role play to me. I found lots of art of guys swinging a pocket watch in front of a girl's face before they do it."

"You really think that's all it is?" I asked hopefully.

"Probably. In any case he definitely can't mind control you. If he could do that, why would he have broken up with Mimi? Wouldn't he just mind control her instead?"

"That's a good point."

"If you like him, and you want it to work, then give it a whirl. The worst case scenario is one night of bad sex, and even then you'll get a funny story out of it."

"Yeah I guess so." Part of me still worried that the worst case was much, much worse than that. But Caitlyn was probably right. I did watch a lot of movies. And if hypnosis could really mind control people, then evil, shadowy corporations would use hypnosis to rule the world. Maybe I was freaking out for nothing. "Thanks Caitlyn. This made me feel much better." Suddenly as my anxiety diminished, the incredible weight of my exhaustion caught up with me.

Caitlyn's cheery energy filled her voice once more. "Of course girl. You can have my ayuda any time! But I should probs get to class. I'm taking an elective on Spanish wine tasting, I mean Spanish wine production, and I really want to ace it. I think I may have found my calling," she said laughing.

I laughed too. Caitlyn always knew how to cheer me up. "Ok, I'll let you get to class. I think I'll try to get a wink of sleep."

"You do that girl. Don't worry so much. Oh, and Annie?"

"Yes?"

"Good luck, you little harlot!" She broke out laughing and then hung up the call.

I sighed as I closed my laptop and put it away. I flopped down on my bed, wrapping the sheets around me. I felt so much better. I was just getting in my own head too much, like usual. I glanced at my phone as I turned off the lamp. The numbers "5:35" shone in the darkness. Oh well. It could have been worse. I could still get two hours of sleep before psych class. Wait psych class? How could I have forgotten? That was my class with Caleb!

Instantly the stress flooded back into my sleep addled brain and I felt awake again. Caitlyn really did ease my nerves but talking to Caleb about this was something else entirely. I took deep breaths. Caitlyn was probably right. It would be fine. Totally fine. Right?

--

I stumbled across the quad, the sun stinging my eyes like chopped onions. My head felt full of cotton balls. I took another long sip of coffee as I ambled to class. The raw caffeine kept me moving forward but did little to alleviate my headache.

My head stooped low so I could focus on my phone's screen as I walked. I had decided to do some of my own research. I didn't know what Caitlyn's sources were but mine was YouTube.

I had just googled "hypnosis show" which led to a plethora of live recorded YouTube videos of questionable quality. Currently I had discovered the channel of someone named Johnny Silver. Apparently he had a stage show in Miami. A middle aged woman with a spotty spray tan was flapping around the stage, acting like a chicken.

Was this really what Caleb was into? If I treated my dorm room like a barn yard coup would that turn him on? I felt so out hopelessly out of my depth. My body opened the door to the classroom building on autopilot.

But would dancing around like a chicken really be so bad? I mean sure, it wasn't what I considered hot, but so what? If that was really all hypnosis was about, then maybe I had been worried for nothing. Thankfully my feet knew the way to the classroom, because my eyes and brain were otherwise occupied. My feet did not, however, see the person standing just inside the door. I bumped into someone's back, my phone tumbling to the ground. I looked up to see Caleb, turning around to face me. Of, freaking, course. Why couldn't I ever be smooth?

Before I could react, he crouched down and retrieved my phone from the weathered carpet. It was brief, but I saw his eyes dart down to the screen. He definitely saw what I had been watching. Great, even smoother. "Hey..." I said blearily.

"Hey," he answered back. He looked about as exhausted as I did. A bloodshot pink rimmed the dark pupils of his eyes.

"I think we should talk," I offered nervously. Gosh, that sounded so serious. Usually in movies people said that when there was trouble, and here I was saying it after one date.

"Yeah I think we should."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Professor Santos's voice interrupted me. "Alright everyone, please take your seats. We're going to get started." Shoot, I got here later than usual today. I gave Caleb an awkward wave and then stepped up the rows of seats to an empty spot. Oh well, we'd have to talk after class, assuming I didn't fall asleep in this lecture.

Professor Santos strode to her laptop behind the lectern. The lights dimmed as her presentation flashed on the screen. So far, not good for my prospects of staying awake. Did falling asleep in class count as hypnosis? The words "Beautiful Mess" stood out against the glowing white background. That was a pretty good name for the situation I'd gotten myself into. Professor Santos tucked her dark hair behind her ear and straightened her glasses. Her voice carried across the large lecture hall. "Today we're going to be talking about the beautiful mess effect. Does anyone know what that means? Yes, Melissa."

"Is that a nickname for my roommate?" A female student's voice rang out from a few rows behind me. A few laughs echoed from the darkness around her.

Even from here I could see Professor Santos rolling her eyes. "No Melissa. This is a serious psychological phenomenon. Tell me, who here has ever been vulnerable with someone and felt bad about it? Maybe you had to ask for help on a difficult project or you did something awkward on a date, and you felt uncomfortable about it afterwards? Go on, raise your hands. Don't be shy"

My head, which had been lolling to the side, snapped up to attention. Had professor Santos installed a camera in my room? I felt like this lecture was about me. I timidly raised my hand. I didn't even think about it. I thought I heard Melissa and her friends snickering. I realized mine was the only hand in the air and began slowly lowering it. Heat flushed my cheeks. But then I saw another hand in my periphery. I turned to see who it was.

Caleb sat with his hand raised confidently over his head, looking at me with a gentle smile. Was he thinking about last night? Probably. I mean he had to be right? The snickers stopped. Slowly other hands rose around the room. After a few moments, almost everyone in the lecture hall had a hand up, even Melissa and her friends.

"See that wasn't so hard to admit. We all just had a brief demonstration of the beautiful mess effect." She clicked her mouse, advancing the slide. Several bullet points of text appeared. "The beautiful mess effect refers to a disconnect that occurs when we experience feelings of vulnerability. Often in a relationship when someone exposes their flaws or admits to making a mistake, it can make that person feel embarrassed or self-conscious. We assume the other person will think less of us."

I winced. That described my feelings to the letter. Even this morning, I felt embarrassed about dropping my phone and Caleb seeing my video.

"But in reality we often see these things in a much more negative light than the other person. We tend to focus on what we perceive as our mistakes or weakness and think the other person will see weakness in us. But if fact, the other person often sees those moments of vulnerability as an act of courage. Often people feel more connected to someone who they perceive as authentic, rather than someone who's presenting a veneer of perfection."

My head was spinning after that. Could that really be true? Definitely not. All my awkwardness would make people like me more? If that were true, I would have more friends. Did that mean that Caleb liked all the awkward moments I had last night? No way. But then I thought about when he was vulnerable with me. He told me about his weird hypnosis thing, when he didn't have to do that. Did I think less of him after that? Not really. It just made me uncomfortable for my own reasons. Truthfully I didn't pay much attention to the lecture after that. I was too busy spiraling in my mind about last night. Oh well, I had a nearly perfect grade in the class anyway. I could afford to space out for once.

Just as my heavy eyelids were beginning to surrender their battle against gravity, the lights brightened in the lecture hall and the class ended. I stretched and then headed over to where Caleb was sitting. Most of the other students had cleared out. Just Melissa and her flunkies were still hanging out and gossiping.

He looked up at me as I approached. He had been staring off lost in thought. We both went to speak at once.

"So what I wanted to say was..." I said.

"About last night..." he said.

"Sorry you go first,"

"After you," our words were still tripping over each other.

He paused, so I took my opening, but then he went to talk again at the same time. "I'm sorry," we both said at the same moment.

"Why are you sorry?" I asked.

"I shouldn't have told you all that. I got too excited. I don't ever want to make you feel pressured to do something you're not comfortable with."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who asked. I shouldn't have freaked out. I was just expecting... something more vanilla I guess."

"Just don't worry about it, alright? Forget I said anything about hyp..."

I cut him off, with determination filling my voice, "I'll do it!"