Fiddly Baggula Pt 01

Ever since she had been a little girl, Nadine had been taught that some words, even if they are defined in the Oxford Dictionary, should never be used in polite circles. Her mother had persistently lectured the teenage Nadine about the ways in which a refined young lady should behave, and never would her etiquette extend to include the use of 'course' words.

Nadine's mother would often drop in strange and foreign-sounding words into her sentences when speaking directly to Father. Naturally, Nadine's younger self believed that Mother was bi-lingual. Father knew better.

Over time, the maturing Nadine had learnt that her Mother's use of foreign words were not foreign at all; indeed, most were not even real words: They were, in fact, substitutes for 'words which should never be said'.

Now that the daughter was grown - in truth Nadine was now approaching middle-age with a family of her own - she had adopted this quirk as her own.

Now, pause and allow me to introduce the mature Nadine: She is the woman standing in the kitchen chopping vegetables for her family's supper.

At 41, she is a little heavier than she, herself, would want; best described by her husband, Jason, as 'cuddly'. She stands 5 feet 8 inches tall, which is 1 metre 72 centimetres in 'new money'. She often wears her long, darkening, but naturally blonde hair in a single plait which descends to the centre of her back. Her face is beautifully proportioned with a slightly-wide mouth surrounded by deep, full lips, a nose that is narrow and slightly pointed, centred between two perfectly oval, hazel eyes. Her smile is bright and warm, welcoming everyone into her perfect world.

And, as I suppose I must, describe her frame for the more avid of readers; her legs are long and shapely below her child-bearing hips, which admittedly do protrude two small handles at her sides. Nevertheless, they extenuate the narrowing of her waist, albeit with that slightly, unsightly, bulging stomach that Jason loves to cuddle so much. Her prized assets by far, and the source of her husband's admiration, and dare I say regular attention even after all these years, has to be her 36DD breasts which stand out, literally. No, I mean, they really are her stand out feature... anyway I digress...

At 41, Nadine could be said to be in perfect health and, to most, a perfectly-formed woman, that is if you enjoy a small cuddle from time to time.

Do you need to know about her family? I guess you do, so while we are here:

Jason, her husband of 20 years is a sales manager for a paper company. He sports a short, but greying, goatee-styled beard, which Nadine approves of. In many other ways he is unremarkable. He is a good husband, loyal and loving to his family, which some may say is the best that could be said of any man. Nadine knew his qualities extended further.

They have lived in their spacious 4-bedroom home in the suburbs for the past 10 years, and they are doing very nicely, thank you.

Nadine and Jason have 3 children: Simone, who is away at university, is the eldest at almost 21 - and yes, she was conceived before marriage for you eager mathematicians. JJ - or Jason junior - is their only son and, at 19, is 'in-between opportunities' after graduating (bottom of his class) from the local high school last summer. The baby of the family is Jessica, who is celebrating her 18

th

birthday today. To which end, we must now return to Nadine as she has been paused in the kitchen far too long...

Nadine stood in the kitchen preparing the food for Jessica's birthday meal.

"Fudge!" exclaimed Nadine, stood by the kitchen sink, the running tap flushing away blood from the knife cut to her finger. "That blighty stings."

"Mom," scolded Jessica jovially with a lopsided grin, "we do know what that means, you know?"

'

Fuck!

' thought Nadine. '

I'm going to need new words soon.

'

And so, dear readers, the truth is revealed: Whilst Nadine's behaviour is proper, and her language to those around her is prim, inside her head she is just as filthy as the rest of us.

"Here, let me take a look," Jessica offered having removed the first aid kit from the draw and was busy selecting a suitably-sized band-aid.

As she dried and dressed the cut, Jessica admired her mother's slender, fine fingers which extended out from her slim hands. They truly were elegant. Very much unlike her own.

"Bloody hell, Ma. You and knives!" joked Jessica.

"Jessica Louise", scolded her mother, who only used her children's middle names when she was truly irate, "not one more word."

"Soap and water!", ordered Nadine to her youngest.

"I'm so sorry, Mama. Honestly... really, I am," begged Jessica, before assuming her childish voice and her impish grin, "It is my birffday..."

Nadine softened, "Yes, it is, young lady, and many happy returns again, but if you ever..."

She allowed the threat to linger in the air as she wagged her finger as a warning to Jessica, who simply nodded her agreement vigorously.

'

It's my fault too,

' thought Nadine, '

I started it with my fudge. I'm gonna need a new vocabulary.

'

Jessica interrupted Nadine's thoughts, "I'm gonna do my homework, Ma.", she said as she skipped away towards the hallway.

"Okay," acknowledged Nadine. "And it is

going to

not gonna.", she shouted as an afterthought, just as Jessica disappeared through the door before pounding up the stairs.

"And stop stomping!", shouted Nadine in vain.

After she had finished preparing the vegetables, Nadine made an expresso and sat at the kitchen table, pen in hand, and began to think about her new lexicon, '

Fudge clearly is now too well-know.

'

Nadine laboured for 30 minutes or so, imagining words, and often just sounds, she could use to mask her expressions. Creating a new mini-language was something which she had done several times before, as the need arose. This would, she believed, be the third collection in the past 7 years. And so, her dictionary blossomed, beginning with the fucking obvious.

(whoops, sorry about the language.)

Fuck -- Fiddle

Fucking hell -- Fiddly-dee

(You must understand that she can never use an 'ing' ending as that will become too obvious and expose her lexicon. And so, Nadine, in her wisdom, always used an adverbial ending as a substitute. It was genius.)

Shit -- Swaszi

Piss -- Puffer

Off -- Fup

(So fuck off would be 'fiddle fup', piss off, 'puffer fup' -- that is if she ever would use such phrases -- but in all the years in which I have been narrating Nadine's life, I can only recall two such incidents, and both were only said under her breath as she stormed away from her 'fudgly' Mother, soon to be 'fiddly' Mother. Now, where were we...?)

Crap -- Coscus

('

No, scratch that, it sounds like the substitute for rice, and we eat that quite regularly.

')

Crap -- Carpo

('

That'll do

')

Wank --

(Nadine's secret favourite, so this is going to be good...)

-- Wellu

(so that means...)

Wanker -- Wellula

Bollocks --

(another favourite, often said in the heat of the moment...)

-- Balluga

'

Hmm,' thought Nadine with satisfaction, 'that will be enough for now.

'

She set the pen down and began to re-read her newly formed list. That was until she glanced at the kitchen clock.

"Fiddly Balluga", she exclaimed aloud, "Look at the time, Nadine!"

Now, I know I have just explained it to you, but to help you out, just this once, Fiddly = Fucking, Balluga = Bollocks. Got it?

But, whilst I have your attention, let me also say that referring to herself in the 2

nd

person in her audible self-comment was in no way unusual for Nadine. I often hear her use her own name when talking to herself. I mention this because it is important, but moreover because something really weird is actually happening, which I don't want you to miss...

Nadine, stared at the clock. 3:10...

She stood, picked up the empty coffee mug and began to move away from the table, yet her eyes remained ogling the clock: 3:11, she witnessed it tick on. On reaching the sink, she reached out her hand, blindly searching for the tap then began to wash the cup and the few odds and ends left in the sink by the departing children. She had just finished this duty when the clock changed again, 3:12. In all this time, her eyes had not left the face of the clock hanging on the kitchen wall.

'

Fiddly-dee, what is going on,

' thought Nadine, still unable to tear her eyes away from the wall clock. She realised that she could continue to think, time continued as normal, she could even continue to move, but whatever she did, her eyes would not move away from the clock. And time ticked on...

"Fiddly Balluga, you need to get on, Nadine!" she said aloud. And so, she did, as her head turned and her eyes finally refocussed away from the clock.

"Shit," swore Nadine aloud, forgetting her lexicon completely, "that was fucking weird!"

She considered what on earth had just happened: She drew a blank.

What could have triggered such an event: She drew another blank.

Nadine never was any good at drawing. Still, she was amiss to explain the unusual incident. Perhaps you, dear reader, have some idea what has happened. Answers on a postcard, please, to...

***

Several days passed. Nothing extreme nor even remotely weird happened in Nadine's life. Still, she could not explain what had happened to her.

This Saturday afternoon, the house was unusually quiet with her eldest away at Uni and the two younger kids absent as they had gone to town to spend the day at the funfair, which had arrived with large ballyhoo just last week. This was actually the fairs final day, so Nadine was sure the children would stay right up to, if not slightly beyond, the 10pm curfew she had imposed.

Yes, you read that correctly; a curfew. For despite their legal recognition as adults, they are still her children so she believes she can indefinitely extend that statute of limitations. And for those who need to know these things, Jessica had a wonderful 18

th

birthday party and received the keys to a refurbished 10-year-old VW Polo as her coming of age gift from Mom and Dad.

However, all was not well in Nadine's household. She and Jason had been arguing since that day over this exact birthday gift. Nadine's opinion was that they could have spent a few thousand pounds more on a newer car, one which afforded more safety features, like AB-whatsit brakes and baggy-thingies to protect her youngest child. Her husband, who knew what AB-whatsit brakes actually were, did not.

"It's good enough for her now, Naddy," he repeated, for what seemed to him to be the fortieth time in the past few days. "And as I said, she's a very safe driver," he concluded,

AGAIN

. He picked up the screwdriver, with which he was trying to fix the kitchen light switch, if only 'Naddy' would leave him alone.

"Don't call me Naddy. You know I hate it," digressed Nadine, as she knew she was losing the battle. Her frustrations overflowed and she blurted out, "Fiddly Balluga, again and again, Jason, just drop it!"

Now, just let me interject to explain that the fact that it was

her

that had raised the argument, AGAIN, and not Jason, is not the main point I want you to notice: Something more interesting is about to happen.

She began to turn away but was stopped in her tracks by Jason dropping the screwdriver with a clatter onto the tiled floor. He bent, picked it up and, as he straightened, he dropped it again.

Nadine, began to laugh, but that faded as she witnessed Jason twice more pick up the screwdriver, then drop it. He simply looked at Nadine in a trance-like state, bent once again to pick up the tool before Nadine exclaimed, "Fiddly Balluga!".

Jason held the screwdriver, straightened then continued working on the switch, happily whistling the famous tune from the Snow White cartoon as he did so, just as if nothing had happened.

'

Well, fiddle me,

' thought Nadine, '

what have we here?

'

The realisation is finally beginning to surface with her that the particular replacement phrase, which I will not say now in commentary, just in case, but you know, the one for 'fucking bollocks'... anyway, THAT phrase was triggering some kind of hypnotic state. Of course, this is just a working theory and it will require significant ongoing testing.

Nadine called out, "Fiddly Balluga, Jason, come here!"

His work stopped, as did the irritating whistling, and he turned and walked towards Nadine. He stood in front of her, his eyes strangely vacant, and waited... for Nadine perhaps. He appeared to be under her spell, but was he under her command?

'

How to test that? Do I need to repeat the keyword?

' considered Nadine internally. '

Best not, lest it releases the trigger again.

'

"Jason, kiss me, like a good husband!"

He did. He lent in and gently, yet with sufficient fervour to mean more than affection, placed a slow, long, warm and slightly moist kiss upon her lips. Then he straightened up and stood before her once again. He was awaiting her next command. It worked. Clearly, the trigger word would start and end the hypnosis.

She began to wonder how this had happened but those thoughts were quickly put aside as she wanted to explore her new power in the flesh. '

Hmmm, yes, flesh,

' realised Nadine.

"Jason, kiss the nape of my neck, passionately, like a good husband."

He did, passionately.

"Jason, feel my breasts!"

He touched them, squeezing them rhythmically, but impassionedly, almost as if he was honking a bicycle horn. However, he did continue to passionately nuzzle his lips and the tip of his tongue into her neck.

'

Hmmm,

' thought Nadine, '

I forgot to be precise.

'

"Jason, feel my breasts, passionately, like a good husband."

Jason began to gently caress her breasts in his hands, lovingly needing the flesh in his palm and stroking the folds of the skin where they met her armpit, with his fingers. She loved being touched there, as well he knew.

His nuzzling into her neck began to irritate her now and she realised she had to give him an alternative command for his mouth.

"Jason, remove my blouse, and my bra, then make love to my breasts with your hands and mouth, like a good husband."

Jason stopped giving the attention she had previously ordered, then used both hands to unbutton her blouse at the front, exposing the flesh of her torso and the curvature of her full, but swathed bosom. After removing her shoulders and arms from the confides of the blouse, he slipped his left hand behind her back and with a quick click

(he always does that one-handed-unclip so well, and she is always dumbfounded by his skill)

he freed her boobs from their confinement. The blouse and bra fell to the floor.

Jason bent and placed delicate kisses upon her bosoms. Cupping both breasts in his broad hands, he lifted them easily, gently massaging her fulsome flesh with tenderness. His mouth led his tongue to one nipple and he gradually traced the edge of its areola. As his tongue encircled around and around the nipple, it gradually drew closer to the centre until his tongue flicked the hardening teat. With his hand supporting the full weight of her ample breasts, he lavished his oral worship upon her nipple, sucking it inside his lips and gently nibbling upon it with his teeth.

Nadine groaned in pleasure and her head flopped backwards in bliss as the electrifying energy surged through her body.

Jason moved to the other breast and repeated his attentions.

Satisfied thus far, but also eager to play with her new talent, she ordered her spouse further: "Jason, take me to bed, remove all of my clothes and eat my pussy until I tell you to stop, like a good husband."

Jason picked Nadine up in his strong arms, which shocked her as her 'take' had been auto-replaced with 'carry'. Even so, she did not dwell on it as she gladly wrapped her arms about his neck. While being carried up the stair, she smiled as smugly as the proverbial Cheshire Cat, bathing in her the attention she believed she so richly deserved.

Having placed Nadine on the matrimonial bed and having removed all of her clothes, Jason lovingly pushed his wife onto her back, prised her legs apart by gentle persuasion upon her knees and lowered his face between her thighs, as was her request.

His tongue extended and he lapped at her outer labia, upon which her moisture had flowed. He drank in her nectar, sweet and rich, before sucking the outer fold between his lips to teethe it softly.

Nadine was in heaven. Her loving husband had performed oral sex upon her many times, but never like this. Since the birth of the children, oral sex had become just a way to excite and lubricate her before intercourse. It had not lasted but a few minutes, which she had enjoyed greatly, but now she was loving this special treatment. Whether because of his gentle patience or the special power she held over him, she could not say, nor did she continue to care when his tongue found and began a delicate probe of her clit.

"Ohhh, Jason, I love you eating my pussy, don't stop --- like a good husband," she quickly added to avoid jinxing the magic.

Jason lapped at her clit, using a finger and thumb of one hand to lift and separate the folds of her hood. Her juices flowed out to coat his goatee-beard. Now, he flicked and excited her clit with his tongue as hard and as fast as he could, causing Nadine's spine to arch in pleasure. Her juices were constantly flowing and he drank willingly from her fountain. He brought her back down before climax by slowing the dancing of his tongue, before reinvigorating her again with increased, rapid movements. He was teasing her, and she loved it.

As Jason's tongue began to tire, he rested it to be replaced by his lower lip, which now rubbed harder, directly onto her clit and, powered by his jaw, he sent new powerful waves through her sex.

She felt his slight movements as one hand slipped beneath her to cup and raise her ass to meet his mouth, while the finger of his other hand repositioned to touch the entrance to her vagina. Palm up he teased her further by rubbing one finger along the delicate flesh, probing so gently she could hardly feel the progress he was making. His long, middle finger began to slip inside her, followed by his index, as he tunnelled deeper within her.

His tongue was now re-employed, producing the tingling intensity she needed to orgasm but her attention refocussed on the journey of his fingers as she also longed for that inner sensation.

His fingers curved upward and the tips made contact with the soft, fleshy orb deep within her canal. She knew attention to her G-spot would betray her and speed her more rapidly to orgasm. And so it proved. His fingers brushed her inner knub repeatedly, sending waves through her. Yet her clitoris too began to tingle with familiar sensations of its own impeding orgasm.

This was unexpected: Would she experience a double climax? She did not know if it was possible or even if it was a-thing but she allowed whatever it was to happen.

A strong, trembling wave began deep inside her abdomen and vibrated throughout her body as she continued to tremble from the other electrifying climax which began in her clitoris and spread around of her pussy. She shrieked in passion as both exploded instantaneously within her.

She was out of control, vibrating bodily upon the bed when, unexpectedly, a torrent of fluid erupted from her body and flooded the face of her husband. Jason seemed to ignore its flow into his mouth as he continued to lap and to probe, just as he had been told to do until told otherwise.