CHAPTER 5: THE PROPOSITION
Gerald came back for the meeting about the divorce. As we sat opposite each other in the conference room of Ms. Warner's offices, he couldn't even look me in the eyes. He explained that he met someone who made him happy. I didn't know I hadn't made him happy. He said he liked the country and the culture. He wanted to live there. He confided he was anxious to get this over with. I thought he was feeling very guilty but not guilty enough to recant. Of course, I was instructed to say next to nothing, just sit at the table looking hurt. I didn't know if I was looking hurt, but I was pretty sure I looked angry. I reminded myself that I couldn't wear the clothes I now liked: the revealing, the explicit, the provocative skirts and tops. I couldn't run around the house naked. I couldn't see Mr. and Mrs. Baldwin. The only relief I had was using toys in the darkness of my bedroom. Yes, I was angry. It also almost made me laugh.
It took slightly less than 6 weeks from the time I got the summons. Ms. Warner really could be a bitch, too. She found a sympathetic judge to sign off on everything she hammered out of Gerald's attorneys and to expedite the formal signing of the order. When it was all said and done, I got as much as she felt was possible given the desire to finish it quickly, which left some things to compromise. Since I was a supported spouse and not working, I got alimony, two-thirds of the house, the car, and half the savings. The savings and other assets weren't enough for me to buy out his share of the house. I needed to find a job to supplement the alimony to live on. I wasn't sure what the next steps would be or what would happen. What I quickly realized was that I didn't want the house and getting an apartment closer to the downtown area for a job might be the direction to focus on.
Of course, my limited confidence and self-determination were severely shaken by the experience. I nervously called Mr. Baldwin at his office. I was hoping he would be available. He was as patient, caring, and supportive as always but my voice broke several times as the emotion of it all overwhelmed me. He was wonderful. He gave me so much time and I know how busy he always is. His strong, decisive, controlled manner made me feel so good. He was excellent in probing my thoughts about the future: what I wanted now that it was just me; what I longed for; what I would do if I could do anything; what was my greatest desire if I had the courage in this new opportunity. It wasn't so much that he even gave me the time to answer it all. It was more that he presented the questions to consider, to ponder, to explore. He closed our talk with a challenge.
"This is an important time for you, Karen. Most people look at something like this with doubts, self-judgment, recrimination. This is an opportunity, though, if you want to use it as such. This can be a moment when you have a blank canvass before you. A blank, empty, clean canvass upon which you can create whatever life you truly want or, at least, seriously consider the possibilities of pursuing your heart's desire."
I sighed, feeling weight slipping from my shoulders. There was no clear thought in my mind, but his words made sense and opened up something new. I didn't know what I wanted from him when I called, but I understood at that moment why I did call. I could count on him. He was there for me. He, and Mrs. Baldwin, supported me, cared for me, could guide me. "Thank you, sir. I knew you could help me. But how do I do that?"
"Do you trust me, Karen?"
"Of course, sir! It's been difficult for me without you and Mrs. Baldwin. I wanted to seek your guidance so many times. But you said I should do whatever Ms. Warner told me, so that's what I did."
"You did well, Karen. It was hard for us to be away from you, too. Abby and I are proud of you. We stayed in contact with Ms. Warner. We always knew what was planned and what was happening. We were in the background guiding and supporting. We want to help you now, too. The decisions need to be yours, though. We can help, if you like."
I flushed. That warm flood of feelings. They were there! I felt so alone, but they were there. I should have known. And they are here, again. I feared I had lost them, but I haven't. "What should I do, sir?"
"That's my girl. Over the next few days, find some way to find peace and relax so you can open your mind to options going forward. Seek the vision of that blank canvass in your mind in a relaxed mental state. Then, what would you put on that canvass? How would you depict your life? It is up to you, now. Nobody else. What would please you the most, if you could devote yourself to it? Will you do that for me?"
"Yes, sir." This feels so good. I feel like I have a path to follow, again. I might not know where it is leading me but the path is guided and safe with Mr. Baldwin alongside me.
"Do you think you can have some thoughts prepared by Friday night?" Yes, sir, I said with new excitement. "Good. I will send a car to pick you up. I will arrange a nice dinner for the three of us. We'll celebrate the end of your ordeal, your freedom, and the new opportunities in front of you. Remember how proud we are of you, Karen. Find that peaceful place and imagine your desires. At dinner, we can explore what you imagine."
"Thank you, sir! I hope I'm not too much of a bother."
"Nonsense! You've always pleased us, dear."
I ended the call with a spirit that seemed to be floating, flooded with warmth. It was a feeling I had missed but not forgotten. I went straight into the bedroom, stripped out of the conservative clothes I was still wearing. I stood naked before the mirror and smiled. The first step was to rearrange my closet and dresser. As I worked, I considered the steps to following Mr. Baldwin's direction. Wine. Yes, a couple glasses of wine. Peace and relaxation. The headphones, of course. Yes, this is a good start. I felt my heart pumping with renewed energy and excitement. This will work. Of course, it will. I can rely on Mr. Baldwin. He was proud of me... she was proud of me... Desire. What do I desire? Where are those headphones? I can multitask as I rearrange the closet. What is that feeling? Oh, God... I have missed that.
Headphones in place on my ears I hum to the sounds with my spirit lifted by the minute. I pull all the clothes out I haven't touched in six weeks and pile them on the bed. I push all the rest to the back of the closet. I now have more room in the closet. I smile. Options. Clean canvass. I hold up each dress, blouse, skirt, bra, pantie, stockings, and shoes. In between placing each item where I now wanted them in the closet or dresser, I touch my breast and nipple or my pussy. My nipples are erect. My pussy is seeping. God, I have missed this feeling. What are my desires for my life? They are proud of me...
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