Diaries of a Dar Princess

15

th

Day of Moonfall, Year 879 of the Age of Shadow

I am vexed, diary! Vexed!

It has been a week since I last recorded my thoughts into your pages; a full week since my delightful domination of Shadra. But since then, things have gotten a little-

Complicated.

Alright, confused.

Alright, fraught. Disturbed.

Unseemly,

even. Let's run through the list of issues currently hounding me, shall we?

First are the dreadfully lewd dreams that stalk my sleep each night. Looking at the previous entry I find myself stunned that I actually entertained the notion that I might be able to sleep peacefully at the end of a hard day's scheming! Instead each night I am thrust into a lurid fantasy so real that sometimes I wake still believing it to be true!

The dream last night was especially disturbing. I was sitting in my room and studying some minor point of demonic theory when my door opened and Samuel walked in, accompanied by what I can only describe as a gigantic writhing mass of vines, roots, moss, grass and leaves. He walked up to me and said hello while behind him the invasive green growth spread like a wave over my bedroom- moss spilling along the walls, grass growing along my floors, roots stretching out to slither around my desk and bed. Dream me- may she die ten thousand deaths, each one more torturous than the last- for once managed to summon enough willpower to weakly protest this verdant imposition. Instead of looking ashamed Samuel merely laughed and said, "Don't be worrying love, it's what's meant to happen, you'll see."

Dream-me might have protested more but was distracted by a number of big, hearty vines slithering up her legs and coiling around her ankles. With a surprising gentleness her legs were parted to reveal a rather distressing lack of underwear. Samuel looked down at her-my exposed...um, hidden treasure...and said, "Well, that's a pretty little picture right there."

Now as shocking- humiliating- and yes, strangely titillating it was to have my most private and secret places exposed to the eyes of that lumbering muscular brute as though the forest was offering me up to him, I managed to look around. What I saw was no less than an utter transformation. My room- possibly the whole palace- was gone, replaced by forest landscape. Grass and bushes and birdsong; towering, leafy trees and small, dark bushes. Everything was green and sunlight filtered down from afar, warming my cheek. The vines slithered under my clothes and to my shock their movements, slow and gentle and winding like the hands of a dozen lovers, aroused me far more than such an imprisonment should have merited.

Samuel spoke again. "You see? Everything is nice and healthy and fertile. Like you." And he pulled down his trousers and he had a- a forest between his legs, an entire great, primeval force of life and growth contained within his glorious length, and he pushed into my-

And of course that was when I woke up.

Every night! Every night the same torment, the same trial, the same torture! Night after night of dreams where I giggle like a child, swoon like an invalid, submit like a pet and, oh yes, spread my legs like a slattern! As dreams go it wasn't even the worst! There was that one where Terra and I were kneeling in front of Daddy's throne as we typically do; except that we were both naked and- and- sitting atop the throne was a gigantic version of Samuel's tod- his penis. Which

spoke

to us in a great booming voice, demanding to prove our worthiness to sit on the throne- and it. Dream me (my nemesis!) put forward several rather intelligent, complex and moving arguments as to why I should be 'best royal breeder'. Then there was that overlong dream involving a gigantic metal ship, an iceberg and a rather overwrought musical accompaniment-

(Although I suppose that one ended well enough. If that idiot didn't want to drown he should have found his own damn door).

***

Secondly- further vexations had been ably supplied by (surprised, surprise) my dearest half-sister (probably a changeling or a shaved monkey swapped at birth, etc. etc. etc.). Seven days ago I made the decision not to thoroughly sabotage her ridiculous ritual plan. I assumed this would give me the opportunity, through my superior intellect, to dazzle Daddy with my genius and prove to him that I should be put in charge of the final preparations. However, my exhausted and...distracted state has left me, well...

Clumsy.

It pains me deeply to admit that I appear to be the weakest link in the gathering of mages and priestesses involved in the ritual. Why, twice I have made basic errors that anyone capable of manipulating the fundamental theological concepts of creation with nothing but the sheer potent glory of her intellect should have spotted! It is so humiliating! I've had to swear eternal vengeance three times already due to sly looks and sniggers from the others. One priestess- some red-haired vixen named Sinistoria- was insolent enough to dare hint that my sister would be better served with my absence. Oh, her doom shall be truly worthy of legend!

Terra is of course suspicious of me. Moreso, I mean. She's taking to affecting a strange veneer of uncertainty around me- no doubt trying to lure me into a false sense of security. She's even begun to play with this strange fiction of 'sisterly bonding' that yes, fine, I am

technically

responsible for initiating. Three times now I've found myself in conversations with my (supposed) sibling, indulging in what can only be described as small talk about our day and how we feel about...well...

things

. This has resulted in hours where the two of us sit in silence, thinking of something outside of our studies, our mutual plots against each other and our service to our father to discuss. Oh, sinister little sister! I applaud your devious nature, to have found such a subtle torture to inflict upon me!

You might think that, with all of these troubles, I could at least rely on my trusted minion for aide. Which brings me to my third vexation- the continuing misbehaviour of a certain confounding kitty.

My lethal and

supposedly

loyal assassin has began to display all sorts of appalling behaviour, as though something has opened up a floodgate of naughtiness in her heart. Sly winks, strange comments, sloppy behaviour and a messy uniform- why, every time I lay eyes on her she feels obliged to try my patience! Needless to say I have responded with an increase in both the quantity and severity of my punishments. Yet despite my increased focus on discipline nothing seems to work. I spank her; I tie her up and berate her; I made her kiss and lick my feet or lie on the ground while I press my heel into the small of her back. At the end of every session she is all 'thank you for my punishment' and 'I'll never be naughty again' and 'I am your little kitten and you are my beloved mistress'. And yet the next day, through some small, subtle act of rebellion, she has proven herself to be a liar. A liar! Why, if I didn't know any better I would say that she was seeking out punishments!

A typical example of her poor behaviour could be observed when I went to visit Samuel today. I had come down to find her sprawled outside the cell door like a drunkard instead of standing and vigilant to danger. Her eyes were glassy and she was breathing heavily. She did not acknowledge- nor even notice- my approach!

I snapped at her, "Explain your laziness!"

Rather than leap to attention she groaned and slowly rose to her feet, wincing as though aching. "Apologies, mistress. I've just finished making sure the prisoner was comfortable."

"Is he?"

"Very," she said with a sort of awe.

"That's no excuse to be a naughty kitten, is it?" I started to call her that a few days ago- all the better to humiliate her and put her in her place. "And your uniform is a mess- why, your front is all unlaced! I can see your naked breasts!" To emphasise the point I pinched one of her dark nipples. She shivered and arched her back in distress.

"So sorry- ah- I won't be naughty again."

"Unacceptable," I said. "If you are tired then I permit you to rest in my quarters for now. But understand- tonight I am going to give you a tongue lashing that you will never forget!" Her eyes grew wide and she scurried away in a strange, bowlegged fashion that was clearly intended to mock me.

I took a moment in the solitude that followed to lean against the wall and slowly exhale. I am so tired all the time! Of the strange dreams, of my sister's plots, of my naughty little kitten! More than that I feel- on edge. My body seems to constantly teeter on the edge of illness- hot flushes, pounding heartrate, overly sensitive skin, a constantly wandering attention. I have visited physicians and taken poison antidotes to no avail. I feel a strange ache inside of me all hours of the day, like a newfound hunger that I have no idea how to fulfil.

And at the centre of it is- of course- Samuel. My fourth and greatest source of frustration.

I will admit that I occasionally find myself thinking about him at odd times- during breakfast, during my ritual preparations, while bathing, during discussions with father, while reviewing the troops, during my sparring sessions, during dinner, while Shadra moans and begs for forgiveness underneath my cruel lash, as I toss and turn in bed while trying to lull my overheated body to sleep- on the rare occasion, you see. At the heart of the problem is the issue of

deniability.

I have spent eight days with the prophesised hero in my grasp; eight days without informing my sister or- far more importantly- my father. With each day my ability to justify my delay vanishes while the chances of my being caught increase. I have to consider the possibility that even now, various lords, generals, officiaries, priestesses etc. etc. etc. might well be learning of his presence within the palace and bringing this to the attention of my family.

All of this would be- if not good- then at least manageable if I was able to produce results greater or at least equivalent to the risk of keeping him secretly hidden away. Sadly I do not. What precisely am I meant to tell father? That the peasant oaf I am keeping as a pet is in fact a demigod with holy genitals? Perhaps if I share his witch mother's wisdom with him, I might avoid being exiled or made the laughing-stock of the entire empire!

It is vital-

vital

- that I both continue to conceal his presence here and- much, much more importantly- have something to show for this skullduggery. The problem would be easier if he was a typical prisoner, i.e. defiant and unwilling to share his secrets. Then I would simply be able to torture him. No, he is a veritable cornucopia of facts, happy to divulge the entire history of his life. It is just that none of these facts are particularly important, unless you are a potato farmer-

(Four hours. Four hours he talked to me about growing potatoes. FOUR DAMNABLE HOURS! I must have fallen into some strange hypnotic trance out of sheer boredom because I barely remember a word of what he said. I do remember marching out of the cell, walking straight into the kitchen and demanding potatoes for my dinner that night. When the cook asked me how I wanted to cook them- boil them, mash them, stick them in a stew?- I just glared at him until he ran off.

Our talks consist of long, rambling stories about his journeys. Based on his descriptions he appears to have wandered from location to location across the Alliance Kingdoms without much in the way of a plan or clue! You know what? Let's give a typical example of one of his 'stories', shall we? Below is a recounting of his latest epic tale from today's interrogation:

***

THE STORY OF THE BANDIT AND THE IDIOT PEASANT BOY WHO KEEPS WASTING MY TIME WITH POINTLESS STORIES, as Narrated by the Idiot Peasant Boy who keeps wasting my time with Pointless Stories.

"So I woke up that day and sorted meself out- it was a right tangle, let me tell you! I said goodbye to the innkeeper's wife and that nice soldier lady I'd met that night before heading off along the trail. Now I hadn't eaten breakfast because the innkeeper had given me a Look and I decided to leave as early as I could. It was a nice day and the flowers were all out and the birds were singing- all in all I felt like the king of the world, I did! I especially liked how-

(He went on for a few minutes about various trees and birds he saw and heard, including a two-minute long whistling marathon. No, I'm not repeating it all here, for the sake of my sanity.)

Still, all the niceness in the world meant that I wasn't more than a bit peckish. I had me sling with me but there wasn't much in the way of game- such bad luck! So after a while even if the sun was still shining and the birds were still tweeting I began to feel Sorry for myself, which is something me mum wouldn't have stood for if she was still around.

And then just like that my luck turned! The breeze shifted and I sniffed something nice cooking- deer by the smell of it! Well that perked me up something proper, that did, and I decided to go and find whoever was cooking their food and introduce myself.

Soon enough I waltzed in on some fine gentlemen having themselves a nice big barbeque with venison being roasted over a spit! They were a rough looking bunch, with a lot of weapons and bows and stuff, and I was a little worried but then I remembered the inkeeper's wife telling me about there being lots of villainous bandits int the area. Well that would explain things! They were probably travellers who banded together and carried weapons in case they were Set Upon by Nasty Sorts.

With that puzzle solved, I strode into the clearing and introduced myself. They all leapt up with their weapons all waving about but then I explained that I was a traveller like themselves and Not A Bandit. This relieved them so much that they all burst out laughing with relief! After they'd calmed down I asked them if I could sit and eat with them, on account of my not having breakfast.

There was some talk about this and I have to say, Miss Feera, I thought that I might have made a mistake but then one of them said, "Let the idiot sit and eat, we'll wait until the Boss gets here." Well after that they were all pleasant. I sat down and ate like a king, I did! And soon enough we were all chatting and talking like old friends, having ourselves a great old time.

The men told me that they owned the forest, which I thought to be very impressive since they didn't look like big fancy lord types. They lived off the land, they said, which I have to say made me feel a little homesick! They told me that they were kindness themselves to strangers so long as they paid the Toll. Now I was a bit worried about paying the Toll, especially since I didn't have much money on me but they just shrugged it off, saying that it was up to the Boss to decide if I had to pay or not.

A little while later a woman strode into the clearing and gosh, wasn't she just a picture! Big and tall and strong looking, with muscles like a man on her! She was dressed in a big coat and had a sword at her side and she had long red hair down her back, like a mane it was! Why, she had to be the prettiest woman that I'd seen-

Well of course I meant the prettiest woman I'd ever seen until I laid eyes on you, Miss Feera. I mean, that's obvious isn't it? Now don't go getting all jealous-like-

Now there's no need to say such things, Miss Feera. It's like my mum says, There's No Reason for Women to be Jealous of Each Other, Especially if a Man's Involved. It's Internal Patty-Achy or something. No, I don't really know what she means either but it sure sounds painful. Well of course you're not jealous. You throwing that cup at me must be more of that hoity-toity imperial humour that goes right over my head.

Anyway she takes one look at me and she says, "Well look at him! What a big lad you are! Did you boys get him for me as a present?" And there was a lot of laughter from the boys, who all looked up to her with Respect, which I thought was nice on the basis that plenty of men are mean to women. They even called her Boss, which I figured meant that she was their Boss. Anyway her arrival brought much Merriment and wine was poured.

Now, woman's name turned out to be Ketrine the Exile, which I thought very impressive. She said that I was welcome to join her merry gang, and I thought that very helpful on account that I also needed to walk through the forest and having friends would make that easier. Besides I'd eaten their food and so I felt I should pay them back even if it wasn't an official Toll. So I said yes.

Well, we walked through the woods for a while. I was worried that we weren't walking on the trail but they explained that it was a secret special place that they liked to go. Soon enough we walked into bunch of caves except they were all done up nice with nice fancy carpets and tapestries and stuff.

The big Boss lady vanished into her room, saying that she couldn't be disturbed under any circumstances. But then I says to meself, Samuel, they've been awful nice and you haven't even paid a Toll! Like my mum always says, You Should Pay Your Dues. So I walked into the room and said hello.

Well, she had a lot of questions! But I explained that I was here to pay off my Toll and she raised an eyebrow and asked how I thought I was going to pay her. Well I dropped my pants-

No it was entirely appropriate, Miss Feera! She was giving me all of the Signs, and anyways she was wearing the altogether. So I figured I was up for some loving and when she caught sight of my todger, well, that was that! I sure you remember-

Now don't be silly, Miss Feera! You can't cut someone's heart out with a spoon! It's too blunt.

Anyway, she strutted up towards me, all pleasant-like with a big smile on her face. She bent down low and said to me, "I've never seen such a massive, beautiful, perfect-"

Alright, alright, I'll change the topic.

So she bends down and kisses it all fancy like, and rubs up and down against it like a cat with a treat. And that was real nice but I liked the look of her body. She was so tall she had to bend down low just to kiss my todger and she had nice big boobs to play with.

She started to talk about how I was so nice and big and that she was lucky to get such a massive Toll for her. And she lay back and spread her legs and told me to give me the Monster, which was confusing because there wasn't any monster but then I realised that she was talking about-

I don't know what that word means but I can see you're upset so I'll change the topic.

So I decide to give her some Loving. Well she was a big strong woman, no doubt about it. She pushed me down and got on top of me and then started to roll and bounce about like a lady riding a horse! I guess that made me the horse alright! She kept on going until she started screaming and then some of her boys came in and well, they caught a pretty sight!

Well, she kicked out her boys and I gave it to her a couple of times and then let her rest. After a bit she woke up and brought me a skin of wine and the two of us got to talking. Well, she tells me about herself and then she tells me something completely shocking! You'll never believe-

Oh, how did you know she was a bandit?

No it was not 'so obvious even I could have spotted it'.

Well anyway, she tells me she used to be a princess! All proud like and beautiful but probably not wearing a dress, because she's so fierce all the time. She was the daughter of a king of a small little kingdom but then he died all mysterious-like and her uncle kicked her out! It reminds me of that time that old Bill back home had a cow, and he promised the cow to both his sons and then they got upset and punched each other and in the end he got sick of them fighting and gave the cow to his brother Tom but then he got into a fight with Tom and then-