I Own a Magical Blowjob School
I'm just a regular guy. Not regular in every respect. Teachers in school used to say that I was bright but I didn't apply myself. A lot of my friends went on to elite universities, but I never saw the point. For years, I've worked in a comic book store during the day, and I think I'm really lucky to spend my day debating whether Spider Man could defeat Wolverine.
So, regular guy, lacks ambition. Lives in a world surrounded by fantasy.
One more thing. I have a dick that, let's just say is impressive. At 6'2", I have hands that can palm a basketball. When fully erect, I can wrap both of my hands around my dick from the base on up, and the head still sticks out.
It's a blessing and a curse. Lots of women are curious to try it out once, some twice. But nobody considers it boyfriend dick. The most regular partners I've had have been married women, with and without their husband's blessing. I've even had partners refer me to friends like 'Hey, try this out."
For all that, I've never had a woman be able to get half of it in her mouth. Anal? Forget it. I've had something like 35 partners, but I've probably had less sex than my friends that married their high school sweethearts, and I get laid less than the ones who have already had babies.
So, comic book nerd with a big dick who jerks off, a lot. Mostly to comic book porn because, well, I work in a comic book store.
That's me in a nutshell. On to the story about how I came to own a school that teaches women how to give better blowjobs. Strap yourself in, because this story covers everything from the nature of reality to the existence of free will.
I was walking down the street when I see a guy, head down on his phone, walking in front of a moving bus.
I did something wholly out of character. So often, I'm a bit of a spectator in the game of life. A slightly sarcastic a-hole. I'm more content telling a wild story about something I saw happen than I am to get involved. You've seen the movie Clerks? My. Whole. Personality.
Back to the guy about to get creamed by the bus. I run. I tackle him.
And just like that, I'm a hero.
Only, I don't come out unscathed. One broken leg and a case of bruised ribs later, I spend a couple of days in the hospital. I was interviewed by reporters for all three TV stations in my town, and the local newspaper. My dick was a bit of a curiousity among the nurses. Hard to tell if sponge-baths usually happen twice per day. I don't think they're really necessary. But none of them actually pulled the trigger and, you know, pulled my trigger.
Just before I was set to leave, the man I pushed out of the way of the bus appeared in my hospital room.
His name was Mark, and, after some preliminaries I don't really recall, he dropped the hammer.
"You aren't going to really believe me right now, and that's a shame, because stories have been told about my kind for millennia. I think the closest approximation for what I am is a genie."
"A genie huh?" I said. "Seems..... implausible."
"I know. What I can do for you is grant you one wish. Specifically, I can grant you one sex related wish, because my powers are limited to sex."
"Ok. Seems extra implausible. Let's say I believe you. Why just one with. Why not three"
"The stories with the three wishes are true, but in those cases, the finders freed genies from unbreakable prisons in the midst of a war between good and evil on a transdimensional scale."
"Okay. So were those genies good or evil?"
"Yes," he replied. "It's complicated."
"But if I saved your life, why wouldn't I get more wishes? Surely being imprisoned in a lamp is better than being dead," I said.
"I see your years of debating Star Trek trivia have served you well," Mark said. "I tell you that you can have just about anything in the world, and you debate the details of magical mechanics."
Mark was smiling, and I could tell he was clearly enjoying this.
Mark continued. "You didn't really save my life. I'm not quite immortal. One day I will die, but that was not the day. You were destined to intervene, and I was never in any real danger. Anyway, so many people have made wishes without believing these wishes were real. I appreciate your questioning."
"Are you sure you aren't just a crazy guy that was trying to kill yourself?," I replied. "Because in my experience, that seems like the more likely answer."
"Can you prove you are a genie?," I asked.
"Years of debating the rules of magic in a strip mall comic book store have brought you to this point," Mark said. "No, I can't prove it without granting your wish. But before you speak, I would advise you to ask lots of questions before choosing. Lots of men have asked for things that didn't really give them happiness. Men who have asked for the world's biggest dick have become a particularly unhappy lot. As you can gather from your experience, not a lot of women can handle things of that size. About half of men who have asked for their wives to have higher sex drives have become happier, but the other half didn't really have the sex drive to match. Their marriages dissolved as their wives became more and more frustrated with them."
"Okay, I said. "What about other sex superpowers? Addictive cum?"
"Ah. A favorite of the pornographic comic book genre. That one can be particularly tragic unless you plan on being monogomous. Watching one addict harm another to get a taste of that sweet sweet baby batter is unpleasant," Mark said. "And the partners in those scenarios tend to become a bit..... focused on certain things. In the end, the men end up "lonely in marriage."
"What about pheremones, or the becoming the world's most attractive man," I asked.
"Ah, another one that sounds good that leads to unintended consequences," Mark said. "The men who have chosen this have been unable to hold jobs as the women constantly distract the operations of the business. Many lose all male friends, because their partners hop into bed at the first chance, or at least try to hop into bed. Either way, cheating and attempted cheating aren't great relationship builders. Most men who have chosen this find lucrative work as gigolos, but they are lonely. Very high suicide rate comes with that one."
"So the ultimate sex superhero power has to come with some sort of way to control the environment," I said. "What about mind control?"
"A tricky one," Mark replied. "Mind control isn't really possible. You can have the power to compel a woman to perform sexual acts, but she won't necessarily like it. Ultimately, it is rape, because while you can control the body, you cannot control the mind. For a small subset of men, this is a bonus. Those men, ultimately, die in violent circumstances at higher than average rates -- revenge is a real concept. Destiny is a fickle thing."
"The mind," Mark said, "cannot be controlled."
"But why? It seems like if all things are possible, then all things are possible. I should be able to make a woman want to have sex with me when I compel her," I said.
"In over a thousand years, I have not been asked this question," Mark said. "And for that, I'm adding another wish to your list. Now, onto the explanation. It has to do with the nature of the universe. How is it that we believe we have free will, but we also have a destiny?
"It turns out that the universe is both something and nothing. It is also everything. All things are possible, and existence is an illusion. It's complicated, but think of it this way: every time you make a decision, another universe is made where you make the opposite decision. Everything must happen, but that makes it all meaningless. In an infinite number of universes, there is a mosquito on your ankle right now. And in an infinite number of universes, there is no mosquito, just as the mosquito is three nano-meters to the left in an infinite number of universes. But if all things must happen, are we really making decisions?
I know this is hard to understand. Let's just say that cause and effect as you see them don't really exist. Your mind, however, it cannot be controlled, and is, at its core, a machine that makes meaning. Because you must have free will, otherwise, there's no meaning to any of it. The world is both meaningful and meaningless. There is destiny and free will.
"Okay, that doesn't really make sense. But it seems like I could ask for something mind control adjacent."