"So, Peter," I began, "tell me in your own words why you're here."
Peter summed up his feelings, "Well," he began, "I love Monica, I want a whole relationship, one which includes sex. I the last 10 years we have had sex maybe 5 times, and I know Monica only gave in out of a sense of duty or guilt. Thing is, when we were younger, she was far more adventurous. I know we have it in us to get back to the excitement we used to feel. Now though, even when we did have sex, she was not really a willing participant, and it leaves me flat as well. I need, I want more."
We spoke for a little while longer, I asked Peter what he thought Monica would reply when asked the same question. There was an easy flow, Peter was nervous but truthful. After about 35 minutes we concluded. I understood the situation from Peter's perspective, it would be interesting to see if Monica shared his opinion.
I led Peter back to the lounge area and asked Monica to join me back in my office.
Monica led without being prompted, "I know what he said the problem is."
"Really? Tell me then, what do you think Peter would say the problem is."
"He wants more sex, more passion, and he wants me to instigate sex. The thing is, I don't like it. It's uncomfortable, often painful, and I come away sore. I do love him, and I want him to be happy, so I sometimes let him, but it's always the same."
"Was there ever a time that you looked forward to sex?" I asked.
"Before we were married, I use to dream about devouring him. When we dated, we would sometimes go parking afterwards. We would kiss, and I would feel his body on mine, his hands on me and I was on fire with desire. When we got married it just didn't work. I don't know why."
I continued, "Do you ever feel that 'fire' anymore? Is there anything that sometimes gets you going?"
Nervously she continued, "Sometimes, yes. I mean, I like men, I like looking at men, sometimes I even look at pictures of men. Looking at those picture makes me feel things."
"What sort of pictures do you like to look at?" I asked.
She blushed, "There are some that show a woman with two or perhaps three men. They are putting their hands all over her body and they are so erect and ready for sex. It makes me so hot. But then I remember what it's like when try and do anything they do, and I get deflated."
Monica had hues of nervousness honesty, a puff of yellow quickly extinguished as she hedged around her porn habits.
There was more to the conversation, but the essence was clear and consistent. A couple, together from a young age, no experience, and no idea about their own bodies, much less their partner's. They were in love, but those bonds were weakened by a lack of a fulfilling sexual relationship. Both Peter and Monica were truthful. The potential was there, they both wanted sex. I thought I could help them, but they would need to un-learn and re-learn everything about themselves and their partner. Monica, in particular, had strong but unfulfilled desires. If we could first train Peter on how to nurture her, and provide safety and pleasure, we could give her the confidence to unleash those desires. It would be a meaningful improvement to their marriage and their lives.
Monica and I re-joined Peter in the lounge.
"I think I can help you both," I said, "You both appear committed to your relationship and are deeply in love. Your ties are being weakened though because you are both unfulfilled. This will ultimately lead to resentment. There is a bright side though, I believe we can work through it. It will require you both to relearn your sexual selves, this which will challenge you. My plan is for you to meet with me over the next 4 weeks, we will perform exercises together designed to make us comfortable in our own skins, there will also be homework to practice. When we can live with ourselves, we will reintroduce the partnership. At the end of the 4 week period, if you stay the course, I think you will both find an equilibrium in terms of quality and quantity of sexual activity, something you can both be happy with. One thing though, from today, until I tell you otherwise there must be no sexual activity. No asking, no offering. Not alone, not with each other. Until I give you permission to do so."
I didn't need to see both Peter's and Monica's hues were brightly blue to see the nervousness, they looked like rabbits caught in a headlight.
"OK," I said, "lets reconvene next week and we will make a start."
We made another appointment, and I officially had my first clients.
The next week would be here in no time and I had to yet fully form a plan on how to help Monica and Peter. It was pretty clear that Monica was unfulfilled and Peter would need help discovering how to please her. Part of the problem was that she also did not know how to please herself. This was part of her restrictive upbringing and a lack of experience. I made few notes and started to form a plan of how to proceed. It would not be easy to make the transition, however by reducing the negative feelings and enhancing the positive I knew we could make progress.
Next chapter, Stephen continues counselling sessions with Peter and Monica.