Brain Games

The walk to the meal hall, standing in line, finding a table: Zach navigated it on autopilot as he struggled to get control of himself.

Even shuffling past the food choices, Zach couldn't keep his eyes off Maddy: suddenly her thin shape seemed more womanly. The way the jeans fitted the graceful flare of her hips, the roundness of her butt, the elegance of her gentle curves, her waves of pale brown hair.

He forcibly turned his attention on the steel trays of food, but could barely see the cafeteria slop. Maddy was... innocent. She wasn't just another college freshman trying to cash in her v-card. Maybe Zach was (he felt it, pulling at him, tingling within him). But that wasn't Maddy, and he didn't want to use her that way.

And yet, he immediately challenged himself: "How do you know what she wants? Have you ever asked her? She wants you, that's all. And you want experience. You can benefit each other!"

He shook off the thoughts, the voice, physically shaking out his hands, getting his mind clear.

"Are you ok?" Maddy asked, turning.

"Yeah, just... let's find a table."

After they sat, Maddy frowned. "Out with it, Zach. Something's bugging you."

She wasn't looking at him with wistful or even eager eyes now, she was looking at him with concern. She had clear blue-grey eyes with flecks like tiny pale clouds deep in the blue.

"Maddy..." he started to confront the elephant in the room, and suddenly he found himself diverting. "I had a weird experience this morning, that's all. I had a hypnosis session, and it left me feeling... not quite myself."

She looked surprised and curious. "Hypnosis? What? With whom? Like therapy?"

"Noo... it was my bio professor, actually. He said something this week about increasing the power of the mind, and I thought he meant meditation, so I went to his office hours. Anyway, I don't think there's anything spectacular to report, it is just like taking a nap. He didn't make me do any chicken dance or anything..."

"That does seem a bit strange. Why did you let him do that?"

"Ah well, I was curious I guess."

"And now you feel strange? Do you think he did anything to you?"

"You mean like? No, no. I don't think anything bad happened. And--no increased powers of the mind as far as I can tell, although I haven't written my paper yet so..." he trailed off, laughing slightly.

He looked up and saw the concern unabated, or maybe even intensifying. Dammit. Her dark hair was

She said: "I thought there was something different about you at cards today. Something a little distracted."

He shrugged. "What could we do? Jackson got all the cards."

"Yeah, I don't care about that, but... you seemed different."

This was the moment. Zach took a deep breath.

Get clear with her,

he told himself.

"I just don't want to hurt you," he blurted out.

Maddy cocked her head at him. "Why would you hurt me?"

His brain seized up; maybe he had misread the entire situation. What if he confessed his dilemma only to find out she didn't have the slightest interest in him. The embarrassment would be agony. While his mind was paralyzed, his voice kept talking. At first he didn't even know what he was saying, but he tuned into himself mid-sentence.

"... it's not something that can be undone."

Zach panicked. What was he saying? His short term memory played it back for him:

"I know you want me, Maddy, and I want you. But it's not something that can be undone."

Fuck! What was wrong with him.

He put his hands flat on the table, feeling the cool surface and trying to get control of his breath. His hands seemed to respond to him. He took a breath to apologize and looked up.

Maddy was looking at him with a very intent gaze. She was studying him.

"How long have you been holding this back, Zach?"

The apology didn't come the way he intended: "Since we met. Perhaps it is something about Spring, but I can't hold myself back any longer. I couldn't keep it to myself. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Zach. Well, maybe you should be a little sorry for the wasted time. But don't be sorry for telling me."

He looked at his hands, clenched his fists. He dig his fingernails into his palms. But he felt it; it was too late to change direction now.

"I... I don't know that we want the same things," he said, and finally these were his own words.

"What do you mean?"

The internal tension suddenly released, and he was free. The strength he had come out of hypnosis with, the energy that had coursed through his body. This was genuinely him, and he had his words.

"I like you a lot, Maddy. I really like you. I don't want to fuck up our friendship. Right? I also want to discover you. I want to discover together. But I don't want 'a relationship.' I have never even had a girlfriend you know? I have this fear that you're crushing on me, and if we go anywhere with this it's just going to be heartbreak and a fucked up friendship."

He looked up to meet her gaze, strong now. And she met his.

"Sounds like you have a Madonna-Whore complex, Zach. Maybe you should go back to hypnosis and get that taken care of."

She laughed.

"We're in fucking college, most of the way through our freshman year, and... we're not fucking Zach. Your roommate is banging the hottest chick on campus while you are playing cards with Emma and Jackson. Is that the college memory you want? Look: I hear you, and I respect you, and I am a little confused because until today, I didn't even feel this from you. To be honest, I thought you were just into big tits, and sorry to say, that's never going to be me. But I hear the honesty in your voice, and I can assure you. I'm not going to get all clingy and moon-faced. Maybe you don't know me quite as well as you think you do, Zach. In fact, I might have more experience than you do, at least a little. So, let's stay friends. Let's be friends. And let's go back to my room right now and make out."

They forgot to clear their table.

* * *

"This is the first time I get to do this," Maddy said, taping a note to her roommate on the door.

"Before we do anything," Zach said, "Can we just sit for a few minutes, and savor this? Can we just breathe together?"

Maddy nodded, and they pulled the desk chairs together, facing each other.

Zach wanted to "reach out" again, to feel with his mind. Sitting across from each other, Zach let his mind quiet. He went back to that feeling of the sun on his skin, and the breeze flowing around him. Softening his awareness, letting it open.

Maddy was a little nervous, a little excited, a little afraid.

But she had been honest, she wasn't crushing on him. She was looking at him, looking at his face: he could practically see himself through her eyes. He was a "nice guy" to her. He was safe. There had been someone who wasn't, he suddenly knew. Someone had been terrifically mean to her, a girl. Oh! Maddy liked girls too. Maybe even more. But she didn't know. She was curious.

Zach felt the surge of energy within himself, all that had gone through him from the night before to the morning came flooding through his own body, even as his attention was gently lingering with Maddy.

His eyes snapped open, and Maddy was looking directly at him.

"I'm not safe, Maddy." Were those words his? He heard himself speak.

"What do you mean? Like an STI?"

"No." He stood and took her hand, bringing her up to meet him, and they were kissing. Something unloosed in them as their lips touched, as their breath mingled, as they tasted each other. He pressed her down into her bed, held her hands above her head, kissing her deeply. He had never done such a thing, barely even imagined it. But his body knew what it was doing.

He felt her desire surge, meeting his own.

For a moment, there was no Zach, no Maddy, just this infinite kiss.

"I see," Maddy said. "You really have been holding back."

"I have."

Zach kissed her chin, her neck and reveled in the feeling of her arching for his touch. He tasted her skin, immersing himself in the texture of her. Her breath quickened.

He let her hands go and brought his fingers in to tangle in her hair and resumed their deep, hungry kiss. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer.

Zach felt the fire within both of them swirling. He slid his hands down her shoulders, to the thin fabric over her breasts. He lost himself in wonder, appreciating the shape. Not large, no, but perfect for her. He felt the strength within him to tear the fabric off, to reveal her to his sight, to his lips. But he held it back. He felt her craving exactly that, wanting to give herself to his kisses in that way.

He kissed down over the cloth, tantalizing both of them even more. His lips and fingers traced the edge of her bra, found the center, her nipple beneath. He pressed in there, kissing deep, feeling that extra nub of flesh pressed to the layers of cloth.

She groaned and he felt a mindless pleasure flowing from her. It filled him. His hands seemed to be sparking with electricity. He felt the heat riding between her legs, and his own erection straining at his clothes.

"I have something important to tell you," Maddy said.

Something in her tone resonated; or, something in her mind carried it to him in a powerful way.

He found that he had released her hands, and watched himself roll off her, holding her gaze as he did son.

"Tell me," he said.

"I want to stop."

Zach could feel the urgency of her desire. She had an intense yearning for more, for his hands on her naked skin, for his mouth tasting more of her, all of her. She desperately wanted to reach down and hold him. And she also wanted to stop.

He didn't know whether he would or not. He could feel the power rushing through him, utterly beyond his control.

Remembering the woman in the grass, he felt as though he could flip a switch inside her, evaporate that hesitation. Would he?

"Ok, we'll stop," the words tumbled out. Zach breathed a sigh of relief at himself.

"Do you want to know why?" She was still gasping.

Zach considered. "It doesn't matter why," he said. "I think we both know there's more here. A lot more. And, I can already tell we are going to discover it. You have to know my whole body is tingling, and urging me to take you right now, in every way. In every way I have ever imagined. I want all of you. And I think you are in pretty much the same state. So, if you want to stop, we'll stop."

He fell into her blue eyes, and the world seemed to soften into silence around them.

"Yes," she said. "That's why."

She leaned into him, pressing herself against his chest. He could feel the softness of her breasts against his body. She draped a leg over him.

"It's not about you," she said. "You're not special. I'm not in love with you. But

this

is special. And I want to really stay here for a while."

Zach felt his whole body pulsing with life; and he felt hers thrumming with it too.

It was agonizing, but he had no trouble doing it. All this power was his now.

"I hear what you are saying. I feel it. I agree. I'm going to go work on my paper, and let's see how long this stays with us, and meet up later."

Maddy looked shocked. "What? I didn't mean that, I just want to..."

"I know, but I think this will be even better."

Disappointment flooded through her, and a second later, laughter. "Ok, maybe you called my bluff."

"But I'm not bluffing. Really, let's let this simmer. I like your idea."

"Oh God!" Maddy rolled onto her back.

"Don't release it," Zach said, knowing exactly what he meant. "Don't even touch yourself. I want you at your peak."

He felt her desire surge even stronger at his words. "I am!" she said.

Disbelieving himself, Zach got up and walked to the door.

"I mean it," he said, and walked out.

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