"He lasted five minutes this time! What do you think, Gene? Is it still a phone?" I put my phone back down on the table. I was getting teased by the guys and girls on my team. I did not have my head in the game, but I had yet to miss the humor and bite someone's head off.
"I kissed it - should be turning back into a handsome prince any moment now." I tried to keep myself grounded. When were Sam's classes this morning? C'mon Alex! Unless she doesn't meet Sam before the boots wear off, then - oh shit.
"Boss!" I was stopped before I could panic. I ran to extinguish the latest emergency.
Another century ticked by over the next hour. I had to read everything four or five times. I had given a negligent "That's great!" on a deeply flawed spec, and had been shoveling the resulting shit out of
that
hole all morning.
"Fuel up." One of the girls on the team had performed a legendary Tim Horton's run. I thanked her profusely as I drank my double double. I stopped myself from going for a third donut.
"No one's going to blame you," she smirked, then grabbed my wrist and slapped the Boston cream into my hand. My phone rang; I left half the pastry on the table and grabbed the nearest drafting room with a door as I answered.
"Jesus! What the hell's wrong with you, Gene?" my brother replied to my panicked hello.
"Christ," I agreed. "Look, girl trouble."
"Girls. There's always dick, you know?" he pointed out.
"Ha," I declared. "And also ha."
"Gene, you had to have seen it coming. They're college girls."
"It's not them." I shook my head.
"You have
more
? Jesus, I take it all back. Lay off the dick or there'll be none left for us more enlightened lovers," he said.
"No, I mean. I'm kinda having a girl problem that's not the fault of the girl," I said. "Sort of. Not one of my girls. Another cunt witch who triggered Sam's dad by kissing me, and now he's kinda dragged his daughter away."
"Your trouble is
another
woman wants you?" my brother tutted.
"She's trying to fuck things up."
"So she can have you for herself, get bored, and walk away?" he said. "Ignore her."
"That was the plan," I said.
"No, it sounds like the plan involved being close enough to have her lick your tonsils," he countered. "Did she break into your place?"
"I knocked on her door."
"You don't get to curse out landmines if you've gone and covered your favorite trampoline with them," he said.
"... wisdom." I agreed. "Who said that - Martin Luther King Junior?"
"Senior. Weird guy," my brother said. "So, what's the
now
plan?"
"Um, Alex is going to meet Sam in class today and get ahold of me," I said. "I was kinda hoping it wasn't you on the phone."
"Well, story of my life." He feigned wounded pride. "But I can tell you, the old 'get her friend to find out if she still likes you' routine works great in grade 7. They
are
older than that, I hope."
"They're 19," I said.
"I'd keep their paperwork handy," my brother teased. "Look, seriously, what are you going to do?"
"I-Well... I'll talk to her," I said.
"Seems to me, the problem is that her father hates you. Talk to
him
."
"She's an adult and-"
My brother cut me off. "And dollars to donuts her family's important to her. You faced off with the blonde's dad. 'Peter', I think you said?"
"Well, he was respecting her choices," I mumbled. "And, uh, he doesn't think that I'm using his daughter as a war trophy to fire up a different girl's uterus."
"Wow," he said. "Look, talk to him. I know, I know - normally you'd ignore my advice. Last month - hell, last
week
- you'd be lying there all bloated and stupid like the rats in Mom's compost heap. But the girl changes things.
Sam
changes things. You're gonna do it because you know that Sam deserves a Gene who's not just lying there and waiting for her to come back. She deserves a Gene who'll fucking fight for her."
"Fight for her?" I said. "Of course I'm going to fight for her."
"And this other bitch? Forget where she lives. Let her die on the vine," my brother said. "Who is she to you anyways? Not one of your co-workers?"
"No," I scoffed. "No one here'd be interested in me."
"Yet three supermodel teenagers are? And they're even up to
sharing
you? Well, holy shit, you have perfect knowledge of how women think and feel."
"Well obviously, they come with instruction manuals, and I finally started reading them, and..." I trailed off. I wasn't in the mood for jokes.
"So, what are you going to do?" he asked. "Spell it out for me. If you can't handle it in a three-step process, back to the drawing board."
"1. Get Sam's father's number. 2. Call Sam's father. 3. Ask him to sit down for a coffee," I said.
"Not bad, not bad. He tells you to fuck yourself, at least you made an effort. Then Operation Does Sam Like Me Yes/No Circle One goes off in the background."
"God damn you." I sighed. "Shit, Max might be able to get me his number. She's got physics right now. I probably got to get her in the boots too."
"Well, now we're venturing into territory I don't want or need to visit!"
Shit, I guess that
did
sound kinky. "Look, man, thanks for calling. I really needed the ass-kicking."