"Being a professor doesn't automatically make me blind." I started with a joke, to try and ease the tightness that gripped my chest. "I try to see all students for their minds, of course, but every school has those attendees who are..." I struggled for a second. "Above average, if we consider their physical attributes."
Alternatively,
I thought.
We have Brighton Barnsworth. Where all the students could be supermodels.
I felt strange talking about this with Lena, my words fumbling and awkward, but the she just laughed softly. The beautiful young woman rolled over onto her side, shoving tangled blonde hair away from her face. "Obviously," she agreed. "I could tell you had a thing for Natalie since day one."
"Hmm..." I grimaced, and the girl immediately looked abashed.
"I'm sorry," she muttered, glancing away. "I was just trying to tease."
I blew out a breath.
It's not her fault you didn't have enough restraint to stay faithful,
I told myself.
Not Natalie's fault, either.
I swallowed.
Just mine.
"It's alright," I said. "I'm just... Going to tell you this story. I don't like thinking about it, so I'm going to make it as quick as possible."
Lena nodded, tucking some stray hairs behind her ear. It was a cute, innocent gesture, and now her green eyes rose back up to watch me closely in the semidarkness of the bedroom. The curtains were drawn, and I let myself sink down into the bed as I pulled up the memories.
"Juliana was a student of mine," I said. It was impossible to mention her without remembering the first time she'd walked into my class. Like Natalie, Juliana went for a classic schoolgirl vibe: plaid skirt, simple white blouse. She even wore those round glasses that amplified the whole effect.
I was older now, by experience if not by too much time, and I knew that I should have been more careful. From the first, I had recognized that my image of Juliana wasn't purely cold and professional. But I had been confident in myself. I knew I was good at my job, and I had assumed that because I knew how to teach I knew how to keep myself in check. I guess it was just a dangerous combination. My overconfidence, her beauty. Both of our desires to be the very best. That was what had brought us together, after all.
"The day after I passed back the first midterm tests, Juliana was in my office." My eyes slid closed as I slipped into the flow. "She was frustrated. With herself. The class was graded on a curve, and she hadn't scored well enough to be in the top 5%." It all seemed so silly now. Grades and tests and curves. I could imagine Juliana's curves, now. Those hadn't been silly. But I stopped myself. At the Academy, we were dealing with real problems. Scary ones. Matters of life and liberty and crime and... to some degree, slavery. It was enough to make me shudder.
The story,
I ordered.
Nothing more.
"She insisted that I tutor her," I continued. "Said that she would pay me for my time, generously, and that I could make sure she was in the top of her class. She would work hard, she said. She wanted to be the best, and she told me that she could tell I appreciated hard work and talent."
I felt the mattress move beneath us as Lena shifted her weight.
"It wasn't usual at Denton, for a professor to work one on one with a student, but there were no real rules against it. I knew that the school sponsored a peer-to-peer tutoring program, but I also knew that I was more qualified to tutor my own student than some mathematics grad student." I sighed, not opening my eyes. "I'm prideful when it comes to my work, Lena. Or at least, I was. I knew I was good, thought I was the best. It made me think that the rules didn't apply to me. And Juliana read me like a book. She said exactly the right things to get me to help her."
I hesitated, my thoughts jumping forward to the end of the story, and Lena kissed my shoulder softly. I opened my eyes, and her concerned face was resting on the pillow beside me.
"You don't have to..." she started to say, but I shook my head.
"I've been avoiding it for too long. It's good to say it all out loud. To someone who isn't judging. To someone who hasn't already made their judgements." I gave her a thoughtful look. "Unless you have...?"
Lena chewed her lip. "I know what I said last night at the party. But... I guess I was just trying to get a reaction. It seemed so normal, just to poke and prod people. To try and figure out how to make them upset. Like a game that I played." She frowned. "It doesn't seem very nice, now."
Her conditioning,
I thought.
She was trained to do it. She did it to Harrison. She did it to me. All part of her act. Just like Joseph Clayton intended...
But we were getting ahead of ourselves.
"I'm not judging you," Lena continued. "We all make mistakes. You're helping me, now. If you hadn't left Denton, you wouldn't be. I guess I should probably be grateful for whatever happened, really, instead of wasting time judging."
I swallowed.
Grateful...
I couldn't find it in myself to be grateful for what had happened. I nodded, though. "Thanks."
Lena shifted closer, closing her eyes. "I'm listening," she said gently, and her tone was soothing. "Just talk through it."
"Yeah. Okay..." I collected my thoughts again. "Things started off easy. In the classroom, things continued as before. At the end of my workday, Juliana would come by my office for extra tutoring. It was a great arrangement. Juliana's parents were extremely well off, and they had no issue spending money on tutoring fees. I got to spend a little more time on mathematics, make a bit of extra money and enjoy some time with a student who had an obvious passion. I had nothing at home I needed to get back to because Julia worked late often. So it wasn't like I was missing out on quality time." I frowned, trailing off.
Julia...
I coughed. "When I was home alone, I drank. Not a lot. But most nights, you know, I would have a beer or two." I shifted uncomfortably. "Well, maybe a couple more than that. But I was in good shape and work was going well, and Julia and I were happy. So I told myself it wasn't an issue. Drinking wasn't impacting my life."
I didn't like to talk about this.
Just get through it.
"Anyhow. It was a month or so into tutoring that Juliana first came on to me. It was a subtle thing, just a bit of flirting, but I did the right thing. Or so I thought. I ignored it, pretended I didn't notice. I figured that would be enough to make it go away."
Lena snorted softly at that, murmured. "Smart, Mitch." When I glanced over she rolled her eyes at me.
I sighed, then had to huff a chuckle as well. "Yeah," I agreed. "Obviously I could have handled it better. But I was enjoying the sessions. She was smart and interested and I got to talk about concepts that would have bored the other students to tears. Juliana was happy because her grades were going straight up. She was going right to the top of the class, and I think she liked feeling like she was the smartest. The best. I could tell, 'cause..." I shrugged. "Well, because that's how I felt, a lot of the time. It was like I had found a kindred spirit, of sorts."
And it was dangerous.
I hadn't realized it at the time, but the relationship I had been developing with Juliana was more than professional. I hadn't been interested in her romantically, but she was a great student. Attentive, bright, driven. And being easy on the eyes obviously hadn't hurt. When she'd started to express an interest in me, I'd been flattered. I should have been more cautious, but I assumed that it was just a momentary thing and after it passed things could continue as they had been — good. I should have known better. Throwing more variables into the equation inevitably makes things more difficult. And feelings are the most volatile variables of all.
"What happened?" Lena asked, as I thought about how differently things might have gone. "What finally tipped things over the edge?"
I nodded, adjusted myself on the pillows. When I continued, it was in a flat, emotionless voice. "It was the end of a long day of work. Juliana and I had a session that ended... poorly. We sat next to each other at the table in my office and she would lean up against me or touch my arm and shoulder when she didn't need to, lingering. I was flustered and tried to focus on the material, right up until she stopped working entirely. She turned to me and... she leaned in, fluttering those eyelashes of hers..."
I glanced over and saw that Lena was watching me carefully.
"I didn't do anything!" I felt like I was protesting my innocence, not for the first time, though the blonde's expression wasn't remotely accusatory. "I flinched back. Knocked my chair over, even. I told her that it was inappropriate for me to be working so closely with a student and that she should consider our sessions together... over." I looked away, not wanting to meet her green gaze.
"What happened next?" Lena's voice was soft and coaxing. It was such a far cry from how I'd come to expect her to act, and I wondered if this was who she really was. Without all the Brighton Barnsworth conditioning.
I swallowed. I told her, but as I did... It was like I was reliving it.
I fumbled out of my office, snatching up my things. I was shaken. It felt like I'd done something wrong, really wrong, even though I had finally put a stop to things with Juliana. I needed someone to talk to, to help me see things straight, but calling Julia went straight to voicemail. I knew she wouldn't be home, and I didn't want to go home. I went to a bar, instead.
I was three beers deep before I stopped to think. Why had this happened? Why did I feel so shaken? It couldn't have been because I was blindsided. I had known that Juliana had some sort of... crush on me. But I just couldn't get it out of my head, her frozen, embarrassed, flushed expression when I'd told her that we were done.
Another beer gone. And another. I was pleasantly buzzed, distracted from the confusing whirlwind of thoughts that tried to pin me down. I was in the wrong. I should have done something sooner. Stopped my student before it came to this. But I knew how to make it better...
"I was going to tell Julia what happened." I sank down into the mattress. "But first, I wanted to try and fix things between us. I was so scared, I think, that one of the reasons I'd let things go so far with Juliana was that I was craving some kind of... I don't know. Fun, flirtatious, something-or-other... Something that me and Julia had been missing. We both worked a lot, and she had her own... hang-ups. And I guess I wanted to prove to myself that we weren't broken."
I paused, and Lena's hand rubbed gently at my shoulder. Not teasing or flirting, calming. I relaxed into the pleasant sensation. "I was planning to send her some texts for when she got off work. Just to show her I was in a sexy mood and thinking about her..." I swallowed again. Just like I'd swallowed down my next beer. Or maybe it was a shot, at that point. It was hard to remember. Other events crowded out those memories. "I've always told myself that it was an accident, that I was intending to text Julia and my clumsy, drunk fingers accidentally hit Juliana's contact name instead. I had her number because sending emails back and forth to schedule every session was getting to be a pain. I
want
to believe that's what happened." I hesitated. I'd never told anyone this before. Not this part. "But... I can't be sure that it wasn't some sort of Freudian slip. Like I secretly wanted things to go further with Juliana..."
"I'm not judging..." Lena's voice was soft. "Just finish."
I nodded. "I went to the bathroom at the bar. I..." I cleared my throat. "I sent photos... Nothing over the top. Especially between a long-term couple. But from a professor to one of his students...?" I trailed off.
"Not good," the girl beside me filled in.
Yeah. Understatement of the century.
"Julia, somehow, understood my mistake." My voice was low and robotic again. "She made me promise to quit drinking, but she stuck by me. Trusted me. The school, on the other hand... I was out. Quickly. And it was only by some miracle that it didn't turn into a media shitstorm."