Tanya was a skinny, hard-edged New Yorker. At 27 years old, she was mature and self-possessed but had cool to spare, from her edgy haircut to her black designer wardrobe. Thanks to a generous trust fund, she was able to work as a professional dabbler-- interning at a fashion magazine, assisting at photo shoots, collecting the latest designer fashions, hobnobbing at high society parties. Living her "dream."
But somehow, she wasn't happy. She went to her analyst regularly, who confirmed she had depression and anxiety. The high-priced shrink didn't seem to help though, even after years of weekly sessions and medications. None of it seemed to relieve Tanya's existential malaise.
Tanya found herself discussing her unhappiness with a New Age-y friend at work one day, who mentioned a holistic healer who was currently making waves in the integrated therapy community with an innovative new approach to energy healing. This woman, Dr. Clara, was supposed to work by connecting women to their sacred feminine power.
This healer was in constant demand, and very difficult to get an appointment with -- and it was tear-jerkingly expensive. This piqued Tanya's curiosity. She was curious, if skeptical, about these mystical New Age healing modalities. Through her connection with the fashion mag, she was able to get an "in" and to have an appointment in a mere six weeks. She looked forward to it with curiosity and a little anticipation.
This Dr. Clara's office was in a fashionable part of Brooklyn. Tanya entered the quiet waiting area, soft lighting complimenting the pink walls. She felt like she was in a womb. The door opened and the previous client exited Dr. Clara's office - a beautiful woman, heavily pregnant, her breasts on display in a plunging tight red dress. Her wide belly and hips were wrapped like a beautiful present, her long curling hair exuding a rich perfume as she walked by. She acknowledged Tanya with a small smile and Tanya looked down quickly. The woman made her uncomfortable somehow.
Dr. Clara's stepped out of the office. "You must be Tanya."
A soft, accented voice - Brazilian? Tanya stood up, nodded, followed her in, and sat in the soft purple arm chair that Dr. Clara offered her. She was statuesque, perfectly proportioned, with a soft pink chiffon dress that accentuated her curves and long dark curling hair that made her look a bit like a mermaid.
"How are you feeling today, Tanya? How can I help you?" Tanya explained her past diagnoses and her lack of fulfillment, her neurotic irritation.
Dr. Clara nodded understandingly. "It's a common problem in today's society, especially in cities. Society divorces us from our bodies, from our true selves." She met Tanya's eye.
"I work not by analyzing your pathologies, Tanya, but by connecting you to your sensuality- the pleasure of life. My practice is centered around the expression of the sacred feminine. If you become my client, I would like you to commit to at least six months of my guidance and observe the changes that occur in your life. I believe within a year that we can free you of the unpleasant feelings you say you experience each day."
Tanya raised her eyebrows. It sounded too good to be true, but Dr. Clara's gentle confidence encouraged her.
"Wow! Well-- Ok. I mean. Where do we begin?"
Dr. Clara led her through some relaxation exercises: deep breathing, visualizations, and the repetition of certain affirmations. Tanya felt very calm and open to suggestion. Toward the end of the session, Dr. Clara's tone shifted.
"Now Tanya, I have homework for you. Our initial focus is going to be on increasing sensuality in your life. The easiest way to begin this is with food."
Tanya began to explain her diet - gluten free, vegan, no sugar - when Dr. Clara interrupted her. "This assignment is about pleasure. I want you to find one pleasureful thing to eat each day, and to eat it without guilt. I want you to savor it, swim in its flavors and smells. Imagine going to an elegant cafe and ordering a delicious slice of cheesecake and slowly eating the whole thing, or even just a single chocolate truffle. You will do this each day, and you will write it down for me in this small book. I will review the book at each of our next four sessions. See you next week!"
Before Tanya could argue further, she was swept out of the office and was back on the street. She felt confused by the doctor's instructions - they seemed so petty against the scope of Tanya's broader problems. But she didn't question carrying out the instruction. She felt an unwavering confidence in this new doctor- she felt fully under her command.
That night, Tanya bought her favorite chocolate bar for the first time in months. After her spartan dinner of steamed broccoli and 4 oz of chicken breast, Tanya unwrapped the chocolate and allowed herself a small square. She felt electrified by its flavor. The rich, decadent explosion of sweetness and buttery, toasted cocoa beans. The chocolate had more flavor than she could ever remember before. She allowed herself one more small piece and again closed her eyes in pleasure. Did she just moan? She found herself finishing the entire bar before she wrote it down in the small book.
The next week was full of similar revelations. At brunch with her catty friends, she ordered stuffed French toast and finished it down to the last crumb as her friends quaffed mimosas and eyed her empty plate uncomfortably. "Aren't you worried about CALORIES?" Jeannette asked. "I thought you were gluten free!" spat Miriam. "I know," Tanya said calmly, "but it's this new therapist I'm working with. Adjusting my diet is part of her modality. I'm giving it a shot for now." The others shook their heads and Tanya felt a little out of place. She didn't feel the guilt and horror they seemed to feel- almost as if they were threatened by the pleasure of decadent foods.
Each week, Dr. Clara reviewed Tanya's small notebook approvingly. "Very nice choices, very pleasureful, yes?" She asked. Tanya nodded. She had branched out from desserts, and had begun enjoying fried chicken, fois gras, and cheese boards. The pleasure shown on her face, which looked relaxed and a little softer and fuller. Tanya's brow knit uncertainly.
"Any concerns so far about the treatment?" Dr. Clara asked.
"Yes," Tanya started. "I'm a little unhappy about the effect of all this on my figure. I've worked hard to look good in designer clothes. I can't lose my size 0. Lately some of my clothes have been getting a little tight."
Dr. Clara nodded. "Yes, this is a common concern. Now we move to the next stage. I am going to work with you a little on our affirmations." She brought out a beautiful crystal pendant. "Focus on this crystal, Tanya, and repeat after me." The session passed quickly, and Tanya felt a comforting certainty when she stood to leave.
"Now, your new homework. For the next four weeks, we are going to focus on the sensuality of clothing. I want you to buy one new dress each week and to wear it at least one day a week. I want each dress you buy to celebrate your body-- show it off, invite attention to it. I want you to select colors that you identify with sexual excitement, flirtation, mystery! Select fabrics that are soft and comfortable. Allow these dresses to be an expression of your sensual adventure. I look forward to seeing you in our next session."
Tanya left the office a little dazed. Eating and shopping had never been part of her past therapist's conversations. She felt confused but excited. She spent the next few days hitting her favorite shops, looking for the right kind of fabric and cut. But she was disappointed that she couldn't seem to find what she was looking for in the edgy, streamlined minimalism of her favorite boutiques. They hardly sold dresses, much less the kind she had in mind now.
A little discouraged, she hit a consignment shop on her way home and rifled idly through the racks. Suddenly she saw it- a rich magenta velvet minidress with a deep sweetheart neckline and a flared skirt, just her size. It tucked in just under the breasts but was loose around the waist. As she looked at the label, she realized it was a maternity dress. "Oh well, still exactly what I was thinking of."
She went to try it on. Her angular figure had softened recently, and she was pleased that she had some subtle cleavage. The short skirt highlighted the slight curve of her thighs. She felt sexy, and most importantly- very free. Without any constrictions on her waist, she felt like dancing, and the skirt flared playfully as she turned around. This was the one!
Forgetting about her concerns about her size, Tanya spent the next four weeks excitedly shopping more, and buying up more of her new favorite brands online. Her once austere closet now was bursting with velvet and lace, minidresses, strappy bustier tops with flirty skirts. She found herself wearing her new dresses every day, not just on the days she went to see Dr. Clara.
One afternoon, she was at a cafe near her work clad in a bustier silk dress in a bubblegum pink floral print with a short, billowy skirt. Her growing cleavage was spilling out of the top a little as she sat lustily tucking into a crème brûlée. She was up a few sizes already and a little weight was showing in her soft arms and rounding cheeks. A work colleague recognized her.
"Tanya, is that you?" She looked up. It was Terese, a bleached blonde with razor sharp hips and cheekbones who was wearing tiny round spectacles and baggy pants with masculine brogues.
"Oh hey, Terese! Yes it's me!" Tanya said nonchalantly as she licked the creamy dessert off of her fingers. "How are you?"
Terese gave her a puzzled and slightly horrified stare. "Oh, just fine. I've been on keto and paleo now since summer, and I've just got some pieces for Fashion week. Are you still at the magazine?"
Tanya nodded. "Oh yes! You haven't seen me lately because I'm working on the concept for a new maternity spotlight! You know, some of the biggest names right now are working on maternity design. I'm actually wearing one of the pieces now, and I'm not even pregnant!" She smiled brightly, gesturing to the silky flared skirt.
