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* This chapter contains fewer erotic elements and focuses on creating a baseline for the remaining chapters.
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On Monday morning, after breakfast Amy said "Can you believe it's more or less the half of our two and a half months?"
I said "Yes, you're right. It passed quickly but a lot happened in this period."
She didn't say anything and sat like that.
I was waiting because she sounded like she was starting a conversation but she suddenly stopped talking. To hear the rest, I said "I thought you were going to say something?"
She looked at me and said "Yes, I'm not sure how to say it."
Not a single day without stress. It sounded like that.
"OK, I've been thinking since yesterday. If we go on like that, it worries me thinking about the end of this. I mean I don't know what will happen that day and I think we both are not prepared for one of the options."
"OK?"
"If this ends next month, we both don't know how it will affect us."
When she thought about stuff, I always ended up in an awkward or stressful situation. So, I nodded and avoided talking.
"That's why, I decided to go and visit my parents. I bought my ticket and I will leave tonight. I also arranged the vet hotel service, so you will not have to worry about the dog or my house."
This was stupid. Everything was fine and she was going to spend our precious days away.
"Why? Why did you do that?" I tried not to show that I was riled up, thinking that this was completely unnecessary.
"I thought we both should experience how we feel about being without each other. Maybe you'll see that you miss your wife more than me when you're alone. Or the opposite. Do you want to learn such a fact after you give a life changing decision?"
Life changing? She had to be sure that I was going to stay with her, otherwise why should she....
"Don't get my words wrong. Whatever your decision will be, it will change your life at that point."
I was positive that she could read my mind. And, she was right.
"I know, I get it." I hated this situation.
Suddenly I panicked and said "But what if both sides don't feel the same? What if you want to end this?" I could see how stupid this sentence was while I was hearing myself say it.
"Kismet..." she said, being the only grown-up person in the room.
"And how long are you planning to stay there?"
"Maybe till the weekend but I will decide there."
Fuck! My 'peaceful life' didn't seem that interesting to me at that moment. I didn't want to go and sit there alone. But I had no arguments to change that.
Suddenly I felt sick. What if she, again, thought that the last week brought us closer and she decided to step back? What if she was doing this to cool things off? If she managed that, I'd be the one who was going to suffer.
"When are we going?" I asked.
"Tonight, at 7 PM. And, we?"
"I want to drive you to the airport."
"I'll go myself; I already arranged a shuttle."
"Why can't I drive you?"
"Because we'll go to your place, I will put you there and you'll stay there, waiting for me. As if I'm leaving you for good." she put a kiss on my head and went to her room. She looked too calm for such a situation; this wasn't good.
In the afternoon, we went to my place and had coffee there.
Since I was feeling down, it was good that she didn't do some sexy tricks on me. We just talked.
"I am planning to avoid contact with you when I'm away as much as I can. Please remember that, we are doing this to be ready for the life after the end of our period. So, please use this time to let your emotions settle for each possible ending. Either of them means big changes." she said before kissing me softly.
And she left.
I was home and felt empty that night. I didn't feel anything. I called her at night but her phone was off. My friends were having a drink and chat meeting on zoom, I joined to that but didn't want to talk much.
Next morning, I woke up in my bed and thought about Amy and my wife Megan.
I wanted Megan to be in my life till the end but I wasn't yet able to say the same for Amy. Because she was presenting me a life that I had to control myself, without true peace and freedom. I always was alert around her but I felt relaxed with my wife. My wife meant peace. Amy meant love and lust, where my wife stopped offering me those. Or we both made it that way.
When I considered my life before Amy, I had a chance to make a more realistic comparison.
I was in peace, yes. I had no one to answer to or I didn't feel the need to keep myself 'attractive' or 'desirable' all the time. I wasn't that young anymore and I didn't find the energy to concentrate on such things every day. These were the good parts, when you look at them from the comfort perspective.
On the other hand, since I was living with Amy, I found the energy to concentrate on anything that might lead to any erotic action with her, I wanted her to find me attractive. I never looked for pursuing my peace yet. Both of these facts told me that she made me feel younger.
Not because she was young; this was about caring what your partner thought about you. Which was good, because after years, I lost weight, I wanted to look better and I managed to do that.
She made me answer to her and obey her, even if she didn't call it that. She called this our mutual, natural, collaborative positioning or something like that. But I was the one giving in or humoring her. Sometimes willingly, sometimes after losing a fight not to.
Normally, I was bored of endless responsibilities or reporting to hierarchical morons in my work life but with her, even these were hot. As I told before, she became a true leader in my life that I was feeling satisfied, horny and in love as I followed her. This wasn't something one could stumble into many times in his life. This was something that most people - including me - never even knew the existence of and never felt the need for.
Another point to think was, it was almost impossible for me to choose one side because there were risks at the same time.
Even I made this evaluation solely on wanting to be with Amy, most of the main risks were related to the unpredictable mind of her. It was impossible to know what she would do next. She already pushed me way ahead of many of my limits or red lines, that I thought I had.
She liked to make me feel uneasy. I remember many occasions where I felt like that was the end of our relationship in this short period.
She liked to conquer. When she wanted to have something or was curious about the effects of some act, it was hers to take. If that was something you didn't have in in you or seemed to be not applicable, she created it first, then took it.
As in my jealousy. I didn't have that in me, not much. She worked me to create an ultimate level of it. She made me hurt from jealousy and then she owned my jealousy rights as well. It became one of the most important things in our life, threatening my sanity and peace all the time. Of course, it was impossible to ignore the elevated pleasures and my devotion to her, which all came with that fear.
She did those knowing that I cared about my marriage and my wife, knowing that my mind was set to go back to my wife.
I had no idea what she could do if I left my wife for her. Sure, we could be living as we were before. But she could try anything to test my limits, beyond the point I could endure.
I even wasn't sure if she had an idea on how she would feel or act like, if I chose to 'offer my life to her'. Even the choice of my words was strange when defining that decision, instead of 'chose her', 'propose to her', 'live with her' etc.
I just knew that she would break any of my resistances she noticed. She loved doing that.
She could go forward until I couldn't take it anymore and at that point, she could kick my ass out of her life.
She could push me until she ran out of imagination and even if I complied, she could get bored and again, I could end up like her ex.
There was another problem. Even if I felt selfish at the time of my decision, stayed with her, everything went fine and we maintained a balance in our relationship which would last forever, I still cared about my wife.
I didn't want to hurt her and I definitely didn't want her to be out of my life like that, especially where she was unhappy and alone while I was in a happy life. My conscience would not let me be truly happy.
I was in an impossible situation.
The best possible way I could find was to choose to be unhappy and return to my wife. But this wasn't a solution, this was the most unselfish and least bad way I could find, if decisions mattered when you're in love.
I decided to wait for Amy's return and tell her about my dilemma. If she really loved me, she would help or at least we would try to find some solution together.
I was talking to my wife almost bi-daily and I managed not to make her suspect anything since the beginning. Good thing we didn't have a land line, we always used mobile phones for the last month.
After having breakfast, I noticed that I was enjoying my free time.
The first day I went to the gym, ordered food, watched stuff I liked. I didn't really think of anyone that much, it was good to be alone. I missed my privacy.
The next day I called Amy again but her phone was still off. I sent a message on WhatsApp, just to see if she was turning her phone on or not time to time. I wrote "I hope you landed safely, could not reach you. Kisses..."
I didn't want to ask her how it was going or look too needy. I wasn't sure if she missed me at all. I wasn't sure if I missed her as much as I thought I would.
I went to the gym again, ate outside and met some friends to have a beer in the afternoon. In fact, I was fine. I wasn't thinking about anything.
Next morning, I checked my phone to see that she didn't read my message yet. So, she was keeping her phone off or she set the WhatsApp not to inform the message read information to the message senders. She told me she would avoid contact so I didn't dwell on it.
