Chapter 9: Don Giovanni Enterprises
Madamina, il catalogo è questo Delle belle che amò il padron mio; un catalogo egli è che ho fatt'io; Osservate, leggete con me. In Italia seicento e quaranta; In Almagna duecento e trentuna; Cento in Francia, in Turchia novantuna; Ma in Ispagna son già mille e tre. V'han fra queste contadine, Cameriere, cittadine, V'han contesse, baronesse, Marchesine, principesse. E v'han donne d'ogni grado, D'ogni forma, d'ogni età.
So I suppose I should tell you how I came to be sitting in my ranch office, drinking a very fine anejo tequila and smoking a very good cigar listening to my favorite aria from Mozart's Don Giovanni, the so called "Catalog" or "Little Black Book" aria sung by Leporello. For those of you not well versed in opera or Italian, the translation is
My dear lady, this is a list Of the beauties my master has loved, A list which I have compiled. Observe, read along with me. In Italy, six hundred and forty; In Germany, two hundred and thirty-one; A hundred in France; in Turkey, ninety-one; In Spain already one thousand and three. Among these are peasant girls, Maidservants, city girls, Countesses, baronesses, Marchionesses, princesses, Women of every rank, Every shape, every age.
And people think opera isn't sexy.
I have not loved them, at least in Leporello's sense of the word. Since my initial bumps in becoming an incubus I have been completely faithful to my wife. However, an awful lot of women from these ethnic backgrounds, and many others, now work for me and they seem to enjoy every second of it. They are not, of course, of every age; they are all over 21. They are never of every shape; each one is fit, sexy and hot, as the business I run requires. If you have been in certain "gentleman's clubs" in Vegas, New York, New Orleans, LA, San Francisco, Houston, Dallas and... well in lots of places, you have probably met some of these ladies.
Homo Sapiens Incubus, as I think of myself now, has been around since the rise of civilization. There is mention of us in the most ancient of texts. Gilgamesh's father was an incubus and his mother a succubus. Almost always we have been referred to as demons and persecuted. A good deal of that comes from our early lack of control. Some of it comes from the fact that, in human lifespan terms, we appear immortal (our typical lifespan is 300 years). Last, in the earliest of days, we "fed" -- not really the right term -- more often. The sexual act enhances our immune systems greatly. It also enhances the immune system of the person we feed upon, so it is to mutual benefit. In the days before modern medicines and antibiotics, when people routinely died of communicable diseases we no longer hear of in first world countries, immune systems required far more maintenance. Even with this, some of us occasionally succumbed to plague, smallpox, TB, cholera, typhoid and any number of other creepy crawly diseases we no longer worry about.
The persecution and self-preservation was not the only thing that drove us together. I attended my first gathering after creating my first draft of a business plan, not knowing anything about my biology and not knowing how I could live among normal and not knowing how I could present my idea to anyone who would believe me and provide me seed money.
Jose, who you may remember from earlier chapters met me there and introduced me to Malcolm, an incubus with a genius level IQ, a PhD in Biochemistry and so swish he made Tim Gunn look like he was a middle linebacker for the Green Bay Packers.
Malcolm recognized me as new to all this and took me to a quiet corner to chat with Jose and Dr. Lauren McEvoy, the doctor who had altered my hormones just enough to kick in my next step in evolution.
"Oh Lauren! Why can't you just convert one gay guy to give me some company?" Malcolm bitched, waiving his dark skinned, limp wrist in the air. "Even a bi one? I mean this guy is so strait he is the shortest distance between two points!"
"I take it our powers don't work on same gender seductions?" I asked.
"No it doesn't sweetie!" Malcolm made a tut-tut sound.
"Must suck to be you then."
"Oh sweetie I can't begin to tell you!" Malcolm touched my arm. "You are so sympathetic! Maybe you can show me some additional sympathy later? Get a taste of chocolate sucker?"
"Malcolm is laying the 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert' thing on thicker than usual tonight." Lauren said to me. "Malcolm, let's not play with the poor man's head too much. He's a virgin here."
"Yeah mano. He's not had an easy introduction. The three of us were born this way. Not him" Jose chimed in.
"Actually he probably was born this way" said Malcolm, switching into a 'passing for strait' mode. "Look, were you always able to date women that your friends thought were out of your league?"
"Well," I thought for a moment. "I guess yes. Guys always asked me what my secret was. They were joking but there was an edge to it. When we decided to get married I got lots of 'what the fuck is she doin' with you?' types of remarks."
"The only thing that the hormone treatments and your little shock did was kick your powers to the next level." Malcolm explained. "You would have lived a longer than average human life, now you'll live a normal incubus life. You'll be free from almost every human disease because of your enhanced immune system. You'll always look younger because the energy you generate from sexual activity will repair your telomeres. You provide the same impact on a temporary basis to anyone you have sex with. Your wife looks younger and isn't chopping from the Chicos catalog anymore, I bet. Anyway, that combination, plus some other things, means you'll live to about 300."
"300?! Holy shit!" I exclaimed. "Does that include my family too?"
"Your wife, definitely not." Lauren jumped in with a better bedside manner. "Your kids, maybe. The genes are recessive so it will depend."
I sat back in shock for a few minutes, tears in my eyes.
"I always thought I'd go first. I.... I cannot imagine the loneliness... not having them... her... my wife around." I was close to sobbing.
Lauren sat next to me and gave me a hug. I lost it then, sobbing into her shoulders. Jose joined her, comforting me while I composed myself.
"Hey dude, this is why we have each other. We need this." Jose said.
"So, how old are all of you?" I asked, trying to bring myself around to the new reality.
"223" Jose said. "I was born in 1775 in Santa Fe, then in Mexico. The inquisition was still going on there and mi madre was arrested and tortured as a witch. She was a suck."
"Don't call us that please" chimed in Lauren. "And you know I am 75"
"And I'm 106." Malcolm said, switching to swish. "This gay colored boy was born in the heart of Jim Crow Mississippi."
Malcolm switched back to "passing for strait" mode.
"It was not easy." He continued.
