"Hey, Ross, I've got an idea for your department. A reality dating simulator. Want to take a look?"
Ross Wilson, head of the Reality Gaming Division took one look at me, his expression a cornucopia of irritation, anger, insult, and are you kidding me, not even stopping his work on the computer. "Get lost, Clayton."
"But this could revolutionize..."
Ross completely stopped typing. "You're lucky I'm busy booking a motel for my lunch with Raquel or I'd remind you why anything you have for my department was a bad idea."
I tapped my fingers against the top of his cubicle as my head shied down, "Sorry."
Ross spun in his chair before I even had a chance to make my retreat. "That's right, you are sorry." He stood with a cocky sneer, poking his index finger so hard into my chest it felt like it would come out the other side. "And pathetic. You, and your little loser squad of virgins over in strategic gaming, trying to tell anyone of us who work on reality dating about anything is absurd. When was the last time you've even talked to a girl? Answer - Never. Here I am screwing the hottest piece of ass in here and you, of all people, are trying to tell me how to create a dating app. Just leave the dating simulations to, I don't know, maybe the people who actually date and you can go crawl back under the castle you pretend to own in the digital world; one in which that even if some hot elf came to fuck you in, you'd still be too much of a pussy to do anything. I mean, hell, look at yourself and look at me." He finalized my humiliation by pressing me even harder with his finger to push me away.
My eyes bore holes into the paper thin, what once was grey but now hinders on the edge of black and sludge carpeting, while walking back to my cubicle. It's not that Ross was wrong in his assessment. I was slightly overweight, slightly middle aged, and slightly everything else as well, while he looked like he stepped out of a cologne ad. He's going on his lunch to get laid whilst I have a date with a homemade ham and cheese sandwich and a yogurt. The only errors in his judgment were yes, I have had sex before, and yes, I wish I was in strategic gaming. My department was the less profitable mind puzzles.
Electronic Digital Gaming and Entertainment, or E.D.G.E for short, was at the pinnacle of the mountain of its industry. It was also considered the greatest place to be employed by all standards of measure; insurance, vacation days, company work parties to encourage teamwork, as well as a very high pay floor plus incentives based on how well your personal products produce. It was truly a fantastic company in which to work. The lone exception was that just like in all walks of life, when a myriad of people are put into one area, cliques form... that and this place could use a good vacuum.
"I told you that was a horrible idea."
"Yeah, you were right, Terrence." I plopped into my chair with a sigh, "As always."
Terrence chuckled as he turned his chair towards mine. "Then why didn't you listen to me?" Then more seriously, "Why put yourself through that?"
Terrence and I were one of the few people who shared a cubicle. Technically, we just took down the partition between his cubicle and mine, but it did allow us to have an easier time bouncing our ideas off each other rather than constantly sending emails back and forth. It's nice to be able to get honest, constructive criticism from someone you trust who you know is not out to sabotage you. The complete opposite of Ross.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, "Because I'm right," I said, defeated.
Terrence shook his head before turning back to his computer. "That's the difference between you and me, my man. Me, I just go with the flow. If they don't want it, I don't waste my time. But you? When you're right, you just keep pushing and pushing, perfecting your program until you're finally finished and then it just sits there forever unused."
"But this algorithm is..."
"Amazing," Terrence interrupted. "Being able have a program react appropriately by having it access the internet for the best possible response is damn near artificial intelligence."
"Exactly!" I raised my hands in the air.
Terrence didn't stop working but still pointed at me, which still impressed me at how fast he could type one - handed. "But it's not wanted. Let them do them and we do us... And there is nothing wrong with us. Think of it this way, while you're here sitting at your desk all night perfecting a waste of time, I'm going to go home and eat the gourmet dinner of my chef wife before going to our son's little league game." He powered down his computer before standing. "I love you brother, but you have got to get out more." He patted my back as he slung his laptop carrying case over his shoulder. "Life can't be all about work."
I blurted without thinking, "But how?" It was perhaps the single most embarrassing thing I've spoken to Terrence. My compete lack of an ability to talk to a woman in a social setting pretty much destroyed any chance at 'life.'
"Life is easy if you have the balls." Terrence gave me a comforting smile. "Find something you enjoy, let your passion show, put that incognito humor on display. You'll even find a girl. Whether it be going out after work or using some of those vacation days you've earned to travel; whatever you decide, Clayton, just know, it doesn't happen here."
I nodded my head. "Thanks, man. Appreciate it."
Terrence gave me his patented chuckle, "Any time."
"Enjoy the game."
Terrence waved as he left, "First comes that dinner."
I sat back in my chair in thought. Could it be that simple? Just going out into the world and... and... and what? I still don't know how to talk to a girl. Luckily, my mutating algorithm is designed for such an endeavor.
The concept was simple: A reality dating app that allowed the user to first, choose the gender of who they wish to converse and then send a text through the app. The execution was complex: The app would then use my complicated mutating algorithm, one that eliminates all traces of itself, to search all reaches of the internet for the proper non-programmed response.
It was perfect.
Except I was in the Mind Puzzles division.
And Ross Wilson was an Asshole.
At least my app might help with my inability to speak to a girl in the real world. When I get down the art of texting, I should be able to progress into conversing. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to follow my friends advice. Practice makes perfect... And the night is young.
*
- Hello?
I'm not sure why I texted the opening greeting in the form of a question. Perhaps it was a worry that the algorithm wouldn't work... Whom am I trying to kid, I was afraid the that the algorithm would work too well and tell me to fuck off.
- Hey Sweetie, I was wondering when you were going to text me! Normally I would think you were worried I was asleep due to the late hour, but I'd bet you were just nervous and that's why the question mark.
I mentally face palmed myself; the algorithm already caught me red handed. So what do you do? Tell a lie? No, that's just not me. Besides, it would probably catch me again if I did.
- Definitely nervous.
So nervous that my palms were sweaty just typing that honesty.
- Don't be nervous, Sweetie. I love texting you. You must be just a little stressed after the long day at work.
My nerves became vanquished with another perfect response and I couldn't help my excited smile... And my giddiness was off the charts. I sat up in my chair as my phone shook slightly in my hand.
- There was a moment earlier that had got me down, but I couldn't be doing any better right now... Higher than a kite.
- Aww... I'm having a fantastic time with you, too. But you shouldn't let some douchebag who isn't even your boss get you down. You have great ideas... Own them!!
- Well, I appreciate that, thanks. So how was your day? Did work go well?
I was very curious to the answers to these inquiries. The day? Work? How would an algorithm respond to personal questions?
- It went well! I mean as a security engineer, you would think staring at monitors all day would be boring, but you'd be surprised with what comedy can ensue when people don't know they are being recorded.
Wow. It went well? A security engineer? How amazing is it that not only does she have a job, but anecdotes? Just, wow.
- Oh yeah? Like what?
- hehehe... Just today this happened!
