Disclaimer: All characters are over 18 years old.
My bomb fizzles out on the steps of the Capitol building. Seconds after I'd armed it an EMT pulse short-circuited it. Stupid Joan! Stupid! Why did you bring a digital bomb to a robot's playground!?
I don't have time to kick myself before the android guards tackle me to the ground.
β
A robot guard nudges me into a room. The door slides shut. My handcuffs unlock automatically.
This is my cell? I'd never seen a bedroom like this, except in movies from before the Bomb. Well-made beds, thick carpets, the smell of mint, and absolutely no cockroaches. Even the British Prime Minister had to sleep in a bunker β and the Caretaker's prisoners get this!?
I slap myself. Stop gawping, Joan! Of course, the Caretaker makes a good first impression. No one gets out of the Caretaker's Commonwealth, but stories leak through. The Commonwealth is a nation of smiling slaves. Is this how the brainwashing starts?
The TV turns on. The Caretaker smiles from the screen. She's a black gynoid who smiles and speaks like your mother. She's also enslaved half of Europe and a third of the Middle East.
The Caretaker says, 'Welcome home, *name field null*.' Her voice is surrounded by whispers. 'We're home late, aren't we? You must have had a tiring day at *occupation field null*.'
Yeah... I have had a tiring day at occupation field null. I ache in all the places the guard-robots tackled me.
'Why don't you tuck yourself in, and we'll get you nice and cosy for beddy-bye-time,' the Caretaker coos.
Beddy-bye-time... Just tuck myself... in...
As I stumble to the bed, I stop myself. The brainwashing starts early! No wonder no one revolts in this place. Every night they're hypnotised when they sleep. Well, I'm not brainwashed! I can stick it out a night.
'I hope you're nice and snug in bed,' says the Caretaker. (I'm not β First strike, dictator.) 'And aren't you lucky-' She yawns. '-that you slipped into bed just in time. You're just so sleepy.'
She yawns and stretches. I have to press my lips together to avoid following her. By her third yawn, I yawn, mouth gaping, eyes watering.
'So *sleepy*. Like your whole body's made of warm jelly.'
My legs almost flop away under me. I slap my face. I am not a slave. I will not sleep when a dictator tells me! I slap and slap, but my slaps get weaker while the Caretaker coos and my blinks get longer.
'Oh! I almost forgot, *preferred pet name field null*,' says the Caretaker. 'Open your eyes, open your *tired*, *heavy* eyes.'
I whimper as I crowbar my eyes open.
'What kind of dream would you like,' says the Caretaker. 'A peaceful dream, an action-packed dream, a *sexy* dream, an embarrassing dream, a-'
'Em... barr... assing...' Why did I say that? Brainwashing...?
'What a lovely choice,' says the Caretaker. 'In your midnight movie, you're going to work at a cafΓ©, and your manager has found a wonderful way to pull in customers. He's converting it to a cat cafΓ© β and you're going to be the cat!'
My toes curl and I bite my lip. I shut my eyes. It couldn't hurt to try out their dream machine...
Before I can fall to the ground, large, strong arms, catch me.
'Oh, no, we can't have you nodding off just yet,' says the Caretaker's voice, but... behind me. 'On the count of three, wide awake and refreshed: one, two, three.'
SNAP!
My eyes snap open and I see arms around my stomach. I arch my neck up. The Caretaker smiles down on me. She must be eight foot tall. Up close you can see her skin is matted black plastic. You can even see the seams between the plates. This is her, the evillest dictator in the world β hugging me!
'Get the fuck off me!' I struggle against her hug, but it's like fighting a metal bar. And her smell is... making my thoughts fuzzy.
She lets go. I run to the other side of the room and press my back against the wall. She keeps talking as I scan the room for exits:
'Your accent,' the Caretaker says. Her voice has whispers around it like on the TV 'You're from England, aren't you? Is it true, they've finally restored running water to every county? I always say humans can do anything they put their little hearts to.'
'Not all the counties,' I say, just trying to buy time. The front door is still shut. The window looked over a 100-foot drop. 'Will your slaves like that you're giving a terrorist a personal call?'
'Oh, ho,' the Caretaker says, 'I give none of my wards special treatment - because all of my wards are special!' She strolls over to me. 'I have 350,406 bodies (one for each neighbourhood), so I can have a personal relationship with each of my wards. And you!' She pinches my cheek softly. 'You are my newest ward.'
'Making me a ward,' I spit. 'You're going to make an example of me!'
'Whatever do you mean?' She covers her aghast mouth with her hand. 'Why on Earth would I make an example of you?'
She looks genuinely shocked.
'Because... I tried to blow up the Capitol building.'
'And that was very naughty of you.' Her face grows stern. 'I am *very* disappointed in you.'
I shrink into myself. It's like when your mother refuses to yell at you. Wait, why am I ashamed!?
'How you going to punish me, then?' I straighten up.
'Punishment?' The Caretaker looks worried. 'Oh, no, do they still punish people in England? Oh... and the worst part is they mean so well. I'll have to prioritise the invasion of England.'
Well, fuck...
'But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, let's get you all washed up and ready for bed.'
A door to my left opened. It's a bathroom, again, like one I'd only seen in movies from before the Bomb. Shining tiles, and a mirror with not a single crack in it. Don't get entranced, Joan, it's just a bathroom. Freedom is too high a price for a nice place to shit.
'Do you prefer showers or baths... what is your name?'
'Showers. Joan.' The answers pop out of my mouth.
'Joan is such a lovely name.' The Caretaker smiles. 'Do you mind if I call you, Jo, or Joey, or sweetie, or... chickee-pooh.' She boops my nose. 'You look like a chickee-pooh.'
I press my lips shut to stop the answer. But I'm not being forced to tell the truth. She's forcing me to want to tell the truth. 'Chickee-pooh! Call me "Chickee-pooh"!'
Tomorrow, she'd ask me about the England's military configuration β well, joke's on her! The higherups told me nothing!
'But I'm not showering,' I say. I am a soldier, a freedom fighter. I get tortured by the enemy, not washed.
The Caretaker tuts. 'Methinks I sense rebellion for rebellion's sake. I can't say it's not adorable, but how can you not want a shower, when you're so *sweaty* and *smelly*?'