Young Woman with Older Man

Chapter 11

Lynn's younger sister, Gwen, comes for a weekend visit.

The words did not register. I heard them but did not understand them. What nonsense is she saying to me? How can Lynn be dead, when I was just with her early this morning?

"There was a crash...Lynn's dead...Lynn's dead...she's dead."

I pushed her away and sat up in bed.

"Lynn! Lynn!" I jumped out of bed and searched the house. "Lynn! Lynn!" I returned to the bedroom to confront Jamie.

"She's gone, Freddie. She's gone," said Jamie collapsing with me on the bed.

"What do you mean? Lynn! Where are you? Lynn! Don't fuck around like this, Jamie. This isn't funny," I said pushing at Jamie's shoulder and still not believing her. "This isn't funny." I couldn't even say the word dead. "Don't fuck around like that!" I said to Jamie shaking her. "That's no joke. That's not fucking funny, Jamie. That's not fucking funny." I looked in her eyes and I knew. "Where's my Lynn? Where's my Lynn?" I pulled her to me and just started crying.

Falling into my arms, Jamie submitted herself to me sobbing and sobbing and I knew then that what she said was true. Only, it made no sense, she was just here with me. We made love. How could she be dead?

"When did this happen?"

"Last night."

"Last night? When last night? What time?"

"Some time just before eleven and was pronounced dead just after midnight. A drunk driver fell asleep at the—"

"Where were you?"

"I was at her parent's house. Lynn went out to pick her sister up at a friend's house. On the way there, she was only a few miles from home, when a drunk driver slammed head on into her car," said Jamie through tears and gasps for breath.

"She was here, Jamie. She was here with me." I looked at Jamie horrified that it was not a dream and all so real. "We made love. She was here with me."

"No, she couldn't have been with you," she said looking at me, as if I had lost my mind. "I was at the hospital, when they pronounced her dead. Maybe you were psychically connected to her, but you must have been dreaming. She died at the hospital, Freddie, Lynn's dead. She's dead," she said sobbing.

"No, it wasn't a dream. I wasn't dreaming. It was real. Seymour...even Seymour whined like he does when she comes home from work. I heard her greet him downstairs." I looked at Jamie and shook her. "She was here with me. We kissed. We hugged. We made love. I was holding her. We both fell asleep."

"Freddie, she's gone."

There was a long pause, where we just held one another without either of us saying anything.

"Did she say anything before...before she died?"

"She said to tell her you that she loved you and that she was sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"I imagine sorry for dying," said Jamie with a shrug, while blowing her nose.

Jamie softly sobbed, again.

We stayed like that laying in bed holding one another and comforting one another for an hour or so, until she fell asleep and I got up to make coffee. I was in shock expecting it all to be a bad joke and expecting Lynn to walk through the door any minute. My mind reeled with unfinished thoughts and I didn't know what I was doing. I had to dump the coffee back in and recount the number of scoops three times. When Jamie fell asleep, I let her sleep but she only slept for half an hour. She joined me in the kitchen and we sat and talked over morning coffee.

"Her parents are making the arrangements and," she said looking at me, as if wondering if she should tell me or not.

"What?" I looked at her, while waiting for her to continue.

"They don't want to include you in the funeral services. I'm sorry," she said.

"I understand them not wanting me there at her funeral, but I can't understand why they are denying me to I see Lynn. Why can't I say good-bye to her?" I looked at Jamie with so many questions and having a hard time formulating any of them and having just as a hard time picking which one to ask first. "I'd just like to say good-bye to her," I said crying.

"They're having a private service with family only. Even I'm not allowed to go, her best friend," said Jamie with sadness. "I guess they blame me for her death, as much as they blame you."

"They blame me for her death? Why?" Suddenly, I hated her parents.

"Had she not moved to Massachusetts from New York, had she not traveled to New York to see her parents, she'd still be alive," said Jamie with another shrug. "It's crazy, I know, but they're grieving, while trying to make sense of it all."

"Maybe they're right, somewhat. Had she stayed with me and not traveled to New York, she'd still be alive." I looked at Jamie with curiosity. "Tell me this, then, why did she suddenly go to see her parents?"

"She didn't tell you?"

"No. What? Tell me what? She said that it was just girl talk. She did say that she had a secret and would tell me what it was when she returned. She said it was a good secret. Do you know what the secret was?"

"If she didn't tell you, Freddie," she said looking at him, before looking away. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you either."

"What? Tell me. Don't deny me that. At least tell me what her--"

"She was pregnant. She was pregnant with your baby. She was so happy. The doctor who tried to save her told me that the fetus was that of a boy."

I just started crying. This was too much to take in all at once. First my girlfriend, the love of my life is dead, and now our unborn baby, our son is dead.

Jamie and I stayed together for a few months after Lynn's death. Although we found it comforting at first to be together, until we found it too painful to be together. Everything we did and/or said reminded us of Lynn. We both loved Lynn in different ways and that paralleled and interfered with how we felt about one another. She moved away. The last that I heard was she was living with some guy somewhere.

When Lynn died, I felt as if I had died, too. Her dog was a constant reminder of her and I cherished Seymour. He was a total goof around my dog. My dog being the dominate one; it was weird to see this giant Rhodesian Ridgeback being so submissive to a diminutive Rat Terrier.

Slowly, I was getting back to where I was. Only, I realized that I'll never get back to where I was but, at least, I was getting up in the morning, getting washed and dressed, and not going to bed drunk. Then, from out of the blue, I got an eerie telephone call.

"Hello?'

"Freddie?"

The voice on the other end sounded just like Lynn's voice. She even said my name the same way.

"Lynn?"

My heart was pounding. Maybe Lynn really isn't dead. Maybe the whole thing was a joke or a way for Lynn to end our relationship.

"No, this is Gwen, Lynn's sister."

I thought it was Lynn calling from beyond the grave. Only, it was Gwen, Lynn's younger sister. They sounded exactly alike. Jamie had given her my telephone number and had encouraged her to call me, when she was feeling up to talking to me. She wanted to meet me, come visit me for a few days, and collect Lynn's personal possessions. She wanted to hear what I had to tell her about her sister and how she lived her life with me.

Just out of college, she was only 23-years-old and wanted to move east to Boston to start her career in journalism. She had just gotten a job with CBS Nightly news as a News Desk Assignment Editor, a ground floor opportunity, while being groomed as an On-Camera Reporter. Certainly, she was good looking enough to work in front of the camera, instead of behind it. The job started in a few of weeks, not giving her much time to collect Lynn's things, find a place to live in Massachusetts, and move her things from New York.

I watched her from the window pull up in her car, a cherry red BMW 1 series. Once she emerged from her car and turned to face me, my heart skipped a beat. The resemblance was startling. She looked just like her sister, Lynn. She was the same height, had same hair color, and she had the same magnificent body. Had I not known Lynn was dead, I'd have thought that her sister, Gwen, was her. She was a dead ringer for her. I stepped out on the front porch taking the dogs with me. The dogs greeted her first.

"Hi," I said from the porch as she stepped from her car, "welcome." I watched the dogs vie for her attention. "I hope you like dogs."

"I love dogs," she said smiling and giving both Seymour and Polo lots of love.

I outstretched my hand as she approached me with a big smile. She surprised me by walking up to me, bypassing my hand, and giving me a big hug and a smooch on the lips. Then, she hugged me again. I stood there for a few seconds afraid to touch her. until I submitted to her will and wrapped my big arms around her shapely body.

It took all the control that I had not to imagine that I was hugging Lynn. It took all the control that I had not to reach down and cup her sweet ass, which is what I always did to Lynn when holding her and hugging her. Gwen felt so much like Lynn; she smelled like Lynn, and her hair was just like Lynn's. We remained like that hugging one another for a few minutes, until she released me from her hold.

"It's so great to finally meet you," she said with a big smile that made me smile, too. "My sister and Jamie couldn't say enough about you." When she broke her hug, she stepped back from me to give me an approving stare. "I thought they were exaggerating but now that I see you in person, they did not nearly say enough good things about you," she said with a smile. "They were right," she said waiting for me to respond.

"Right about what?"

"With your muscular build, you look like that western actor from the 60's, Clint Walker."

"Clint Walker? I haven't heard that name in years, since the movie, the Dirty Dozen. How do you know him from the 60's?"

"My Dad is a huge western fan and Clint Walker was his favorite cowboy, when he played that gunfighter, Cheyenne Bodie."

"Do I look like him now that he's in his 80's or before when he was younger?"

"You look like him before, when he was younger, of course," she said laughing.

"...And you look so much like..."

I could not help but stare at her. She was just as beautiful as was her big sister. I t was such a cruel joke to play on someone mourning the loss of his love to have someone, who looks exactly like the person I just lost. I couldn't imagine how Lynn's parents must have felt having Gwen around as Lynn's mirror image. They looked so much alike that they could have been identical twins.

Seeing Gwen and talking to her was shocking, jolting, and created bittersweet flashbacks filled with excitement and sorrow. I needed to sit down before I fell down and collapsed on the porch bench. She sat beside me and took my hand in hers. I looked down at her hand as my fingers encompassed her small, soft hand, a hand that felt so much like Lynn's hand. Her fingers were exactly the same as Lynn's.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?"

I looked up at her. She was so beautiful, as beautiful as was Lynn that I just wanted to kiss her, while pretending that I was kissing Lynn.

"I mean, I knew you were her sister, but I never expected you to look so much like her, exactly like her. You two could have been twins. It's startling," I said with a pause collecting my thoughts. She looked at me waiting for me to finish. "I'm sorry, but it's painful for me to relive her in you."

"I'm sorry, I should have warned you, somehow." She sat beside me silently holding my hand. "Do you want me to leave?" She looked up at me with Lynn's blue/grey eyes.

"Leave?" I looked over at her smiling and patting her hand. "No, of course not, I'm so glad that you're here. Just give me a minute to..." I looked at her again suddenly feeling the urge to kiss her again. "God, you're just as beautiful...just give me a moment."

Her voice, her diction, and her mannerisms were all so much the same as Lynn's. It was scary uncanny. Immediately, I was attracted to her. Still too soon, still grieving over Lynn, I never got to say good-bye to her. Immediately, as if she was Lynn reincarnated, I wanted to take her to bed. I stood and pulled her up with me.

"C'mon, let's go inside and I'll show you the house and your room."

We went inside the house and I made her comfortable in the guest bedroom, which was the bedroom at the end of the hall. She insisted that she stay in the same room that her sister had, before Lynn and I started sleeping together in our threesome arrangement with Jamie. Not having to share a bathroom, having her own, it was as if she had her own suite. The arrangement afforded her a level of privacy, if she so wanted it.

At this point, after meeting her, reliving Lynn in her strong resemblance, and hearing her voice and watching her mannerisms, with everything about her reminding me of her sister, I would accommodate her in any way that would make her stay longer. Already saddened about her leaving, I never wanted her to go. I wanted her to stay longer than the weekend that she had planned. I wanted her to stay with me forever, I guess to replace her sister, so that I wouldn't hurt so badly.

Suddenly, the thought of Gwen in my life, instead of Lynn, was so perversely offensive to me that I almost vomited. Surely, I knew that even though they looked so much alike, they were two individual people with different feelings, wants, and needs. Still, I was giddy with happiness that she was there with me in my house and in my little world, which suddenly expanded greatly, again.

Her visit was uplifting. I was happy that she was here. When I first saw her, and how much she looked like Lynn, I expected to be miserably depressed and I wanted to send her away. Instead, once I accepted how much she looked like Lynn, it was just the opposite. In a weird way, with not having a chance to say good-bye to Lynn, her visit was cathartic, enabling me somehow to get closure in the sudden and tragic death of Lynn through her sister.

In a morbidly perverse sense, this was my way of talking to the dead through the living and it was a way for me to discover things that I didn't know, didn't have a chance to know about Lynn. I found learning more about Lynn growing up as a child so very healing and comforting. If nothing else, she took my mind off my mourning. The mere activity of talking to her kept my mind busy and my spirits lifted.

I helped her with her things, moving what she needed and helping her to arrange the empty closet. No one had been here since Jamie moved out some months ago. I wasn't only excited about having a roommate again, albeit a temporary roommate, but the fact that she looked so much like Lynn lifted my spirits from the depressed state that I had been in lately. If nothing else, she was a diversion and someone to talk to for a few days.

I had been feeling so lonely and Gwen helped me through my loneliness. Only, I had to make a conscious effort not to stare at her and not to call her Lynn. She was just so damn beautiful and looked so much like her sister, that I was instantly attracted to her.

"Do you drink coffee?" I said hoping she'd say yes.

"Coffee? Yes. I'm addicted," she said.

"Great." I'll put on a fresh pot. "Lynn and I..." I paused not knowing if I should proceed to talk about Lynn to her.

"Please, I want you to talk about my sister. That's why I'm here," she said suddenly looking very sad. I felt her pain and gave her a hug. "Maybe, somehow, my visit can help us both heal," she said looking at me with her soft blue-grey eyes.

"Okay," I said not knowing where to begin.

"Lynn moved out of the house, while I was still in high school, and then I went off to college. So, I haven't spent as much time as I would have like to with my big sister. I was hoping that you could help me by telling me more about her, the things that I didn't know about her."

"In that regard, we have that in common. I was hoping that you could tell me about Lynn as a child and what it was like growing up with her." We smiled at one another and I felt that I should continue the conversation, telling her about the Lynn that I knew.

"It's a deal," she said. "You tell me how Lynn lived her life with you and I'll tell you about how she grew up as a child."

"We always had coffee this time of the afternoon," I said volunteering what information that came to mind. "Then, we'd take our cups to the back screened in porch where we sat and talked about everything and laughed over nothing, while watching the dogs play."

"I'll tell you what," she said, "you show me the kitchen and I'll make the coffee."

She was just like her sister, taking charge of things.

The dogs abandoned me to follow her and I could not blame them. Who said dogs are dumb. I'd follow her, someone who looked as good as Lynn, to the end of the earth.

I put out some biscuits to have with our coffee and as soon as it brewed, we took our cups out back. She even took her coffee the same as did Lynn, black with one sugar.

At times, it was difficult to talk to her without staring, without swooning, and without wanting to lean over to kiss her. Although, I had never seen a photo of her, certainly, I felt as if I already knew her from what Lynn had told me about her baby sister. Whenever she looked away, I studied her face looking for the smallest imperfection in her to make me realize that she wasn't Lynn. Physically, she was an identical, genetic copy.

Perversely perverted, I listened intently as she talked to me wondering, while what she looked like naked. Being that I was grieving over Lynn, while sitting here with a carbon copy of her, how could I not wonder what she looked like without her clothes? I wondered if her tits were the same. Wondering if she was shaved, trimmed, or bushy, I wondered if her pussy tasted the same. I wondered what she was like in bed. I wondered if she talked dirty and if she screamed when she had an orgasm.

I couldn't believe that I was already undressing this nice, young lady with my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was such a degenerate. Yet, I missed Lynn so very much and here was her sister looking so much like my lost love, I couldn't help but imagine Gwen in all sorts of sexual and depraved positions. I had to force myself to think of something else, anything else to say to take my mind of sex.

"Do you like baseball?"

"Yeah, my whole family follows the games."

"How 'bout those Red Sox? I can't believe they won another World Series. Do you think they'll become a baseball dynasty like the Yankees used to be?"

"I hope not, being that I'm a Yankees fan," she said with a laugh.

"Yeah, that's right. You guys are from New York. I forgot."

She helped me with dinner, tuna steaks with brown rice and peas. Even though I opened a bottle of wine and offered her some, I decided to forgo the wine. Since Lynn died, I've numbed enough of my days with alcohol.

"This is the perfect wine with fish," I said. "I apologize for not joining you in a drink but I've had more than my share of wine over the past few months."

"Oh, that's okay, I understand. I found myself drinking more than usual and had to make a conscious effort not to drink," she said pausing to take a sip of her wine. She paused again, perhaps, while reflecting on what she was about to say. "Unfortunately, my mother has been drinking more than she ever did in the past. Lynn's death has hit her the hardest."

"I hope that I can still meet your parents, one day."

"My father, in his convoluted logic, blames you for Lynn's death."

"He does? How?" I was stunned by this sudden revelation, even though Jamie had touched upon her family somehow blaming me for Lynn's death.

"He said had Lynn not moved to Massachusetts from upstate New York, she would have not fallen asleep at the wheel." She looked at my pained expression. "See? I told you it was convoluted. She could have died anywhere, anytime. Obviously, it was her time to go."