I guess I had to admit that that was one hell of an appointment. Sure, it was just a physical but Olivia, my lady doctor went way beyond any thing I had ever had done to me by any doctor before.
She had seemed to be fascinated as I stood there embarrassed, holding the stupid flower covered gown up while she sat on a roller stool and basically fondled my balls.
Then she skinned back my foreskin and spent a long time inspecting me.
Since I am sixty-five years old, things don't just spring to attention like they used to but mine was doing it's best and I was losing control over that.
At the end, she had me lay there while she whacked me off into a little jar, sealed it up and left, just like that.
"Assist, better sample that way." She had told me.
Everything perfectly normal.
Normal to her maybe, but over the next several weeks I couldn't get that out of my head.
What kind of a doctor had I ran into? Oh, right, not a doctor, a nurse. One of those Nurse Practitioners, they said.
Same damn thing to me, she was my doctor.
OK. I decided I liked her better than my last doctor, he usually just looked at his computer screen, sent me places to have needles stuck in me, then prescribed pills. If I mentioned my six times a night problem of getting up to take a pee he screwed up his face and changed the subject.
Usually to golf.
I had gotten so I didn't bother to go see my doctor unless I saw blood or read about some disease online that I then became sure I had.
Now I was looking forward to going to see Olivia, 180 pounds and red pants with sweater with cartoons on the front be damned.
Four weeks go by rather slow when a person is looking forward to something, but finally I found myself sitting in the waiting room again.
This time I made it to the second page of the National Geographic, there were drawings showing the differences between modern human skulls and Neanderthals, fascinating stuff.
"Come on back, Dan." A male voice said.
OH OH.
Where the hell was the cute little nurse that batted her eyes at me?
Reluctantly, I got up and followed the business like guy down the long hallway. He had me sit in a chair, told me that Olivia would be right with me, and left.
I looked around for one of those silly flower covered gowns, there wasn't any.
I only sat there for a couple of minutes before Olivia came in. I swear, she had on that same pair of red pants and that same sweater with the oversize cartoon character sewed onto the front.
This time I noticed that her boobs seemed to be making big bulges way low in the sweater. She either didn't have a bra on or she had a lousy one.
"Let's see here." She said, perching a pair of reading glasses on her nose and peering at the chart she had on a clipboard.
"EKG is normal, blood tests all look good, PSA test is at the edge of normal, I see you are way down on vitamin D." She muttered, more or less to herself. She typed something into the computer and hit the print button.
"Here, add 2000 units of vitamin D, not much sunlight here at the coast. Just over the counter stuff. You are doing pretty good, keep it up. Is there anything else today?" She smiled and closed the clipboard.
"Oh. I...uhhh..I thought you wanted to...do a second sample?" I managed, lamely, feeling my cheeks start to flush.
She looked puzzled for a moment, then opened the clipboard back up.
"Right, I see. You mentioned some erectile concerns? But I didn't really notice any of that, you seemed pretty normal for your age? In fact, your sperm count is pretty high, and your Testosterone is high for your age, too?"
She turned and looked at me.
"You don't even have any gray hair? You don't dye that, do you?"
"No." I lied.
"Right. Well. You really are in good shape."
"Oh. That's good, I guess?" I managed.
"Very good, yes. You should live to be around 100...if you quit smoking."
She closed the clipboard, and started to leave the room.
I stood up, I don't know what I had expected. Well, I did know what I had expected, but...
Olivia turned and looked at me, hesitated.
"You don't have a partner, do you?" She asked.
"Partner?" I asked.
"Yes, a sexual partner?"
"No. I don't. My wife....." Dorothy had been gone for over three years now.
"I saw that. OK. I want you to step into room six. We will do a followup, just to be sure. Medicare pays for it anyway." She pointed to another room down the hall, then she turned and went into a different room. I got a glimpse of an older woman sitting there, waiting.
I did as Olivia asked, the room was smaller and had a table with the little paper sheets on it. I sat down and waited, not quite sure of what this was all about.
After about five minutes, there was a knock on the door. It opened and the cute little nurse I had seen the month before stepped in.
"Hi! I'm Patricia, Olivia wants me to get a sample." She grinned. Then she reached for a pair of thin latex gloves.
