Hi.
The first part is a bit sad, very sad for me as it hits home. But the second part represents how I hope it will happen for me in the future. It is the only solace I can find right now, believing that it will get better someday.
-I am not suicidal, just sad-
Wanted to clear that out.
Writing this took me through so many emotions and I hope you find it good enough.
You are amazing for reading my work <3
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PART ONE
The weather was good outside as I pulled in the garage, driving down the ramp to the lower level. The day had gone well and I was glad I could get out early from work. My boss told me that she was happy with how I'd performed the last week and therefore gave me the rest of the day off to do whatever I pleased. I had a whole afternoon at my disposal and tomorrow was the start of the weekend.
"What could I do?" I asked myself when I got out of the car which now was parked on my reserved spot.
"I could ask out Melissa on a date and see if she was available tonight!" I though happily as an answer to my previous question.
My mind raced with thoughts of what we could do, where we could go and if everything went well, how far we would take it.
But as I came to that last thought 'How far' I felt a heaviness in my chest. A burning sinking feeling of shame and guilt mixed with coldness and despair. All those feelings gripped me and tore down my good mood, replacing it with a resigned sadness. I who usually was so happy and positive - A trait many revered me for. Turned sad and depressed in the blink of a second, just like that. The worst thing was that this had happened many times before but not this quick. I slammed the car door shut and locked my car.
Each step up to the apartment felt heavy but when I turned the lock with my key I felt solace in my roommates usual cheerful greeting.
"Yello! Welcome home!"
From the sound of things she was in the living room on the sofa and got up to her feet with a thump. Asking me if I had any bags before even coming around the corner.
"You're home early, had a good day?" She asked and smiled towards me.
I put on a fake smile and raised my tone of voice knowing that she'd probably understand something was wrong if I didn't.
"Yeah it was alright, Erica let me go early because of my good work."
"See I told you it was worth the effort."
"For one afternoon off? Not quite sure if that's equal to..."
"Shush now Leo, today you get off work tomorrow you get a promotion." And she was off to the kitchen to check the fridge. I hanged my jacket in the hallway and let my feet free from the confines of my shoes. Slumping down on the sofa I picked up the book she was reading, examining the cover, it was a thriller about a man called John. "How generic." I thought but didn't get much further as she startled me by poking my ribs.
"You'll mess up the pages, I don't remember where I was!"
I was extremely ticklish and put down the book instantly, yielding to her attack.
"So what are you gonna do with this freedom you have today?"
"I dunno." I answered and reflected over the fact that she still was in her jammies. Socks up to her knees, black shorts that fit tightly to her thighs leaving much of her milky white skin bare and a slim fit t-shirt that I gave her last christmas. It was blue and had the text "Jammie Whammie!" across her chest covering most of her breasts. But with a quick glance I could see her nipples poke through. It was a bit chilly in our home. She didn't notice me looking her upp and down due to her book.
"Have you not gone outside today?" I asked her.
"I got the mail earlier." She responded absently.
"Rose, we have a letterbox."
"Oh... Then no."
"Hey! She said promptly looking up from her book. "You should go out with Melissa tonight, I mean you've been on two already. Maybe the third is the one?"
"Yeah maybe." I answered unsure of myself and what I was feeling.
"You like her right? I know she likes you."
"I do."
Maybe too much.
"And how do you know that? You've met her once."
"Oh please, the way she looks at you? It's practically already done. You just have to tie the bag."
My thoughts derailed and the sadness returned with a force that hit me hard in the chest.
"We'll see." I said shrugging of the subject.
Evening soon came and Rose had talked me into asking Melissa out for dinner, who happily said yes. We were to meet at a restaurant a bit from me and Rose's apartment at half past seven. So I made sure to go workout before showering and getting ready for the date. It felt nice to lift weights, to let out steam and clear my head. But I could never really shake the worrying thought that so often pop up in my head.
I made sure to be at the restaurant a few minutes before so that I could collect myself before meeting her. I gave her a hug when she arrived and told her she looked beautiful before pulling out her chair, inviting her at the table.
She was wearing a simple black dress that fit nicely to her figure and suited the restaurant. It was a decent place, nothing too fancy. Her blonde hair reached her shoulders and she had dark red lipstick perfectly put in place on her small lips. She was shorter than me and looked pretty in the dim restaurant light.
We ordered a bottle of wine and food from the waiter who was very kind. And started talking about lots of stuff. Soon enough a question came from her that concerned Rose.
"So Leo, how long have you known your roommate?" Her lips were moving slowly, or maybe that was the wine having its effect on us
"Rose? Hmm, about a year maybe. How so?"
"I just wondered, you two seem so close."
"Yeah we're great friends, we met each other at a mutual friends party. Realised that we both need an apartment and set out to find one. Which we as you know did."
She smiled in response and we kept on eating, changing conversations and drinking wine. I actually had a good time despite my earlier anxiety.
"Would you walk me home?" She asked shyly as we stepped outside with our jackets on. I was about to offer her the same thing she was asking about so instead I said. "With pleasure."
It took us about ten minutes to reach her building, an old stone building about four floors high. We turned to face each other outside the main door and I said "Thank you for a nice evening." My inner voice kept saying.
"Kiss her, kiss. Her. Do it stupid, what's the worst that can happen."
My heart was pounding like a drum and I felt her waiting for me to do something.
