Too Shy All Over Again

I'm one of those people that is afraid of life, afraid of other people. Shy as a kid, painfully shy. No girlfriends until mid-20's, then married my first one.

Thirty years later, after endless work on myself, endless therapy, workshops, challenges and successes, children, a divorce, and a passionate love affair that ended with her leaving, I finally felt normal. I was over my shyness. I could talk to a woman, make a date with one.

Then, prostate cancer. Surgery. Nerve-sparing, what a bunch of bullshit! It even makes your penis shorter, did you know that? They cut out the prostate, and then pull the urethra inwards to sew it together, cutting off an inch and a half from what was already too short.

And the nerves, they've never recovered.

I thought the loss of ejaculation would be a good thing. No more mess. Fucking wrong. God, ejaculation is SO erotic! I miss it so!

Three separate male responses to sex: erection, ejaculation, orgasm. They are independent. You can have any one without the others. And me? Thank god I can still have an orgasm. But I can't say I cum, can I? There's no cum.

An amputee can still feel his non-existent arm. I can still feel my cock, telling me it is hard. But then I feel it, and no, it's soft, small.

Viagra and a lot of stimulation can give me a 20% erection. Hey, you'd be surprised what you can do with that, when it's all you have.

Bimix, it works better. Papaverine and phenolanine. Injected directly into the cock with a hypodermic. Really, it doesn't hurt much, and a full cc gives me 50% erection for 20 minutes. It's great! Very inconvenient. But when she tied me up and injected me and fucked me, hey, that was pretty hot!

Do you know what this does to a guy? It tears him apart. No longer a man. We feel we are no longer a man. Very much so. I'm not macho, thank god. I'm a sensitive, educated, nice guy. If I were macho, I'd probably have committed suicide by now.

I don't feel the male energy that used to drive me in my daily life, the energy that spurs strong and healthy interactions with others. Forget sex, man. This affects everything. There are millions of guys out there who are missing their maleness. Don't give me any of that psychological bullshit, either. You try it, you'll know.

And the women, sure, they claim size isn't important. But when there is no size at all, the truth comes out. I just read a profile, a woman said "hubby is impotent, and I just want some real sex". Fuck. Yep.

Two positives. The orgasms, they last longer. Not as strong, not the intense male BANG. A female orgasm. Long, undulating. Really, really nice, and sometimes they can be super-powerful!

And oral sex. Funny how necessity can change one's attitude. Completely. Never liked oral. Either way. Now, I love it. Can't get enough of eating a woman. I come best with oral stimulation.

But I don't feel like a man. I don't fucking feel like a man. How do you date, in this condition. I have a new date, tomorrow. When do I tell her? What will she say? How will she try to worm her way out of THAT situation?

Sex drive is so much lower now. Is it the lack of erections? Or is it just aging? I now know that erections FED my sex drive. And I hunger for that food once again.

Still, I do get horny.

And strangely, necessity seems to be changing my attitude once again. I never had any interest in men or cocks. Except my own. But now? Fantasies almost every night.

Touching a cock. Just touching one. I crave that experience. But I'm too shy. The shyness has returned. I learned how to be with a woman. I know nothing about how to approach a man.

I don't want to love him. I don't want to kiss him. I want to smell his cock. Touch my lips to it, explore it with my lips. Taste it. Feel his balls, while I kneel nude in front of him. Take him into my mouth. Suck him off, hear him cry out as I taste him exploding into my mouth.

But how? I'm picky about my women. I'm picky about men. I don't like most of them. Too dangerous for me. How do I find another shy guy like me?

I keep remembering that once-in-a-lifetime orgasm. Before she left me, when she fucked me in the ass with a dildo, wearing a harness. Jesus mother-fucking christ. I literally collapsed on the bed, exhausted, after that orgasm.

What would it be like to have a real cock in me? Fucking me in the ass? I crave it. I crave that experience.

Dating sites are full of men looking for men. I won't touch them. Too much disease. Too many experienced men. I desire a partner like myself, a bi-curious mature man, a newbie, inexperienced, shy, maybe one that still gets erections. Or maybe not. What would that be like? I wonder. Sucking a soft cock.

Life goes on.