Those Autofellatio Blues

After our surreal meeting with my principal, a meeting where my mother had turned once again into a terrifying harpy, I longed for peace and tranquility. I would have been quite happy to drive home in silence, but no, of course not. Mom couldn't leave well enough alone.

"That girl, Bridget, she's very pretty."

"Yes."

"Really, she's about the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

"Uh-huh."

There was a bit of a pause, I stopped at a red light, and when the light turned green Mom said, "I can get her for you. I mean, I can arrange it so that she becomes your girlfriend. Totally devoted, obedient..."

"No! Don't even think about it! Leave her alone. And," I tried to make my voice as commanding as commanding as possible, "I want you to leave Julia alone. Whatever you're doing to her, stop it!"

That was a mistake. Mom grabbed the steering wheel, yanked hard right, and pulled us off the road. I jammed on the brakes and as we slid to a stop I screamed, "What the fuck are you..."

I didn't finish. I saw her eyes, which blazed with the anger and fury I'd seen that day in the hospital, where she ended up after barging into my bedroom to find me blowing myself. "Don't ever, EVER presume to tell me what I should do! Especially with that bitch! That's none of your business. I don't ask you what you and Elaine are doing, do I?"

She lowered her voice just a bit. "How many mothers would be liberated and sensitive enough to arrange an outlet for their son's sexual energies? Especially after seeing the incre...um...the disgusting way you satisfies those urges?"

She was suddenly very flustered, I figured she was again remembering that Saturday morning when she walked into my bedroom and found my face covered with my semen after I sucked myself off. "You don't think it bothers me knowing that my son is having sex with a good friend of mine, that you're humping your brains out with a woman I used to watch take on a three men at once, including my own husband?"

"Mom, stop! We shouldn't be talking about this!" She started to speak, but I cut her off by screaming, "STOP!"

I think I got through to her, because the tension ebbed out of her body. She lay back in her seat, and looked out her window. She took a few deep breaths, then said, "I won't intervene with that girl if you don't want me too. I shouldn't be so nosey."

She stopped, and after five seconds I realized that it was my turn. "I shouldn't tell you what to do either. We should respect each other's privacy."

Mom nodded. "You're right."

"OK. Good."

I started the car and pulled back on the road. About five seconds later Mom said, "Are you still sucking your own cock?"

"Mom!"

"Are you gay?"

"No!"

"It's OK if you are, really."

"I'm not gay!"

"Bi-sexual? It's OK. I am."

Jesus Christ. "I'm not bi-sexual, I'm not gay, I don't suck...I don't do that anymore. Please, let it rest!"

"All right, all right." Another ten seconds, and then, "Why don't you do that anymore?"

I sighed. "It's too painful. It's getting too hard to bend myself that way."

"You've been putting on weight. You should do sit-ups."

"Wait, you WANT me to do that to myself?"

"Oh, no, no..." she said. "You shouldn't abuse yourself that way."

"It's not abuse. Except when Julia made me do it so Bridget could watch."

Mom's jaw clenched. "Oh, she'll be sorry she did that."

"Mom," I begged.

She shook her head, "Remember, you said you'd respect my privacy."

"Then keep it private. You say she's going to be sorry, I have a right to speak up." I was pissed off, really mad, and so I said, "You know what? I like sucking myself off. I totally LOVE it! I love licking myself, I love getting my cock all wet, and I love it when I come in my mouth! I swallow my own come and I love it! And I'm not ashamed of it!"

My mom looked much the same as she did when she walked in on me blowing myself. She looked like she was having a stroke. I tried to keep my eyes on the road, but it wasn't easy. "I like regular sex more," I said, trying to soften the impact of what I'd just said. It didn't work. She just sat there, looking like she was either going to cry, spank me, or leap out of the car.

We were getting close to home, and I didn't want this cloud hanging over us when we went in the house. I said, "We're going to start from the beginning. I'm sorry about what I said back there. I wish I'd never said it, and I want you to forget I ever did."

She started to cry. "Mom..." She shook her head. She collected herself, and then she said, "Your father used to," she paused a bit, "he used to give himself oral pleasure too." I didn't say anything, not knowing where this was going. With sudden, determined intensity she said, "I LOVED watching him do it, I mean, nothing turned me on so much as watching him suck his cock."

She sighed. "When I was younger, just a few years older than you, I started swinging with the group Elaine belonged to. I guess you know that I was pretty wild. You've talked to Elaine, and, well, you saw what happened yesterday."

Oh, how I wish I hadn't. "Uh-huh."

"I had a bit of a reputation. I was the girl who would do anything, with anybody, any place, at any time."

"Such a flattering compliment."

She was beyond sarcasm, she was confessing her sins and nothing would stop her now. "After awhile, it started to get boring. The fucking, I mean. That's something you'll learn, that sex can get dull, become just another form of exercise." Her eyes took on a faraway look. "I was at this party...well, it was really an orgy. I'd just done a triple penetration..." She looked at me. "That's when three men put their cocks in a woman's..."

"I can do the math!" I yelled.

"Oh. Well, I walked across the living room and this man rubbed his penis against my ass, and then another, and another, and pretty soon I was on my knees and there were eight men around me. They...well, we didn't use the word back then, but we did a bukkake act for everyone. Do you know what bukkake is?"

I nodded like I understood. I didn't, I'd never heard the word before. Afterwards, I looked it up on the Internet. I threw up in the toilet. My mom, folks.

"They all finished," she continued, "some of them twice, and through it all I was thinking about how I had to do laundry that night so I had something to wear to work! I mean, I was BORED. I'd done it all before, and I knew I'd do it all again."

She smiled, remembering. "Then this man came up to me and said, 'Hi, my name's Bill.' Friendly. Sweet. He didn't rub up against me, didn't stick his dick in my face. Even though he was hung like an orangutan..."

"Mom!"

She ignored me. "We talked awhile, getting to know each other. He was new to this group, but he knew quite a few people we routinely partied with and they invited him to our get-together. We were very careful about who we invited, there was a lot of trust involved. That's why none of us ended up HIV-positive, even though back then we had no idea that was a threat. Most of the people in our group were married, and then had sex with those inside the group. Me, I wouldn't even kiss on the first date, but if it was someone in our little circle, I'd let him fuck me in the ass and then finish him with a blowjob, no problem."

I couldn't even cry. Maybe I would when this was over, but right now I was so numbed by it all I just nodded and prompted her with, "You said you met Dad..."

"Oh, right. We watched the action, and then I said, 'Is there anything new under the sun?' And he laughed and said, 'I can show you something I bet you've never seen.' He took me by the hand upstairs to an empty bedroom. I figured he was going to just screw me or show me some new cunnilingus technique, but instead he lay on the bed and arched his legs over his head and...well, he did what I saw you doing that one day. He sucked himself off."

She actually flushed remembering it. "I mean, he was SUCKING it. Not just tickling it with his tongue, I mean he was taking five or six inches into his mouth! Up and down, up and down, sucking it!"

"Impressive," I had to admit. "I can't go that far."

"How much can you suck?" she asked, those feral eyes burning into mine.

"Uhh...uhh..." I uhhed, trying to decide if this was a question I should answer. "Just a few inches, maybe three."

She waved a hand. "Your cockhead is much bigger, you have more girth for your mouth to get around," she said in explanation, though I hadn't asked for one. "It's harder to deep-throat a really thick cock. I always preferred giving blowjobs to guys with a normal-sized dick, you can really go crazy all over it. Big cocks are better for getting fucked, you feel so much more full inside, and the guy doesn't keep slipping out of you when he's really fucking your brains out."

"So I've read."

Again she ignored me. "I watched your father give himself head and I was laughing the whole time. I LOVED it. I loved how his muscles clenched in his back and neck while he was folded up that way, I loved the sounds his mouth made around his cock. I thought he'd stop, have me join in and finish him with my mouth, but he didn't. He did it all for me. He made himself come and it went all over his face and his hair and his chest. He licked some of it up, and I bent down and kissed him. That was our first kiss, the two of us alone in that room, kissing and licking his come off his lips." She sighed. "We were together, really together, after that."

"What a wonderful story," I said. "Some kids parents meet at the ice cream social, or the sock hop, or at a college mixer. Mine meet in a way that would make the Marquis de Sade ask for a tranquilizer."

She gave me a dirty look and, many years later, I came to regret making that last remark, when she reminded me of it at shortly before my wedding ceremony. Next time you make a snide comment about someone, just remember that payback is a cast-iron bitch.

We were getting close to home. "Why did you and dad stop, ah, swinging?"

"We fell in love," she said. "I didn't want to sleep with anyone else, neither did he. That's something else you need to learn. There's a big difference between fucking and making love. Fucking is fun, you get your rocks off, you get that wonderful release. But when you're with someone you really adore, sex is just sublime."

"So why are you and Dad going to Elaine's next party?"

She smiled. "For fun. Hey, we've been married 20 years. I think we're looking for a little excitement. I don't think we're going to be half as crazy as we used to be, but I'm looking forward to a little nastiness again."

"Great." I stopped at a light and turned to face her. "Remind me when we get home to check the Yellow Pages for insane asylums."

She actually laughed. "For you, or for me?"

"One for each. No visitation privileges."

"Oh come on! You've done some pretty crazy stuff the past few weeks, haven't you? Letting Elaine chain you up so everyone could play with you, that doesn't count as kinky? How about Elaine telling me you had anal sex with a man?"

"That was involuntary!" I yelled. "I was tied up and this guy just started...doing that. I made him stop! If he'd said, 'Pardon me, but do you mind if I stick my wiener up your butt?' my answer would have been, 'Sorry, no, not really keen on it.' I didn't get the chance!"

We both fell silent. Way, way, WAY too much had been said already. The light turned green and I put my eyes back on the road. Mom said, "Can I ask you a favor?"

"To forget the last two days happened? Sure."

"No, no. I'm not ashamed of anything I just said. I was the truth, and there's no harm in that."

No harm for you, I thought, picturing my mom and dad making out after he...no, no, too horrible, get out of my mind!

"But," she continued, "I'm a little bit ashamed of what I'm about to ask you."

"Then don't ask. PLEASE don't ask."

"Would you," she asked, and then, after an eternity passed, "would you let me watch you suck your cock?"

The Earth shook, the Heavens fell. "What!"

"Please!"

"No, and I mean no-fucking-way! For God's sake, we got done reading Oedipus Rex in English last week! Are you nuts?!"

She made a disgusted face. "Jesus Christ, I don't want you have sex with you! I just want to watch you blow yourself!"

"Oh, is that all!"

"God, it's no big deal! I've seen you fuck Julia up the ass, that's a lot worse that this!"

"How isn't it worse? How the hell is it BETTER?"

"Please, honey," she begged. "I'll sit very quietly in the corner. I won't bother you. I haven't seen a man do that in so long, please? Pretty please?"

I had two options-fight, and eventually give in, or just give in. "You aren't going to, uh, touch me, are you?"

"You keep that up and I'm going to be sick. I'm not going to touch you, believe me." Her eyes narrowed. "You don't WANT me to touch you, do you?!"

"NO!"

"Thank God for that," she said, relieved. "I was starting to get worried about you."

We were almost home. "When did Dad stop doing, um, what I do?" I asked, curious, because it was looking like my autofellatio days were numbered.

"About a year after you were born he just couldn't do it anymore. Probably the same problem you're having. You're getting older, filling out. You're getting stronger, but less flexible."

"It gets harder every day," I admitted.

"When I saw you blowing yourself, it was a shock, because, well, when you see your son doing something that was once one of your biggest turn-ons, well, I guess I lost it. That's why I kept telling you how disgusting it is, why I fixed you up with Elaine. So you wouldn't do it anymore. Because I shouldn't be getting turned on imagining anything my son is doing."

I wanted to go on record again. "You got that right."

"It's just that, I think about a man doing that, and it turns me on. I don't know why. Probably because you don't find many men athletic enough and endowed enough to do it. Like your father." She sighed with adoration. Any other time it would have been sweet, her mooning over her husband. Now it was just superduperweird.

I pulled into our driveway, my hands in a death grip on the steering wheel This was a bit much, wasn't it? Already I was visualizing myself lying on a psychiatrist's couch, detailing the events of this day, a day that did so much to screw me up so badly.

I parked and switched off the car. "This is pretty messed up." I said, my entry for the Master of the Obvious contest.

"It doesn't have to be, honey. I'll just watch."

"You promise?"

She held up a hand. "Scout's honor."

I sighed. "All right."

We went inside, and Mom fairly dragged me to my bedroom. She pulled out my desk chair and sat down. "Do you want me to stand in the hallway? Will you be able to get an erection with me sitting so close?"

I had my pants down around my ankles and she could see for herself that wasn't necessary. "Honey, wow. You are huge. I'll bet Elaine just can't get enough of you."

"Uh-huh." I wasn't much for chit-chat at the moment. But knowing that my mom wasn't going to climb on the bed and rim me or tickle my balls actually did much to help me maintain my hard-on. I lay on the bed and folded myself into position, and let out a tiny squeak of pain. "Jesus, this is hard!" I gasped.

"Does it hurt?"

I nodded. "It doesn't matter." It didn't matter because my cockhead was right there, plump and spongy-hard, and I closed my eyes and let my tongue lap at it like an ice-cream cone. I made sure I was nice and wet before I opened wide and forced my penis into my mouth.

"Oh, baby, suck it," my mother whispered. I heard a quiet "ziiiiip" and heard the soft rustling sounds of her taking off her pants. "That's right, that's nice, suck on it, suck it."

I obeyed, bobbing my mouth up and down my cock as far as possible. I fellated myself so well that I moaned, and my mom moaned in response. "It is good, honey? You know how to suck that cock, don't you?" I didn't think she wanted an answer, but I mumbled a muffled, "UMM-HMM!"

"Lick it, let me see you lick it!" I released my moist plum and my tongue went to work, swirling over the tip and sending waves of pleasure to the base of my spine. "OHHH!" I groaned.

"Ooooh!" Mom moaned. "Oh, honey, you're getting close, you're getting close..." I was. I was moments away from the weirdest orgasm of my life, and that's saying something. Mom was sighing, cooing, and I guessed she was pleasuring herself as she watching me pleasure myself. I imagined her diddling herself...and my erection immediately started to deflate. In a panic I imagined Bridget Landau, Bridget's fingers busy in the folds of her dewy petals, Bridget spreading her long legs, lying back, so I could mount her and slide every inch of my penis inside her...

That did it. "Uhh...UHH! Coming, I'm coming!"

There was a scraping sound as Mom got up from the chair to move to the side of the bed. "Come!" she said, her eyes wide. "Come. Oh, honey, come...come...that's it, use your tongue, oh honey! Come...come...let me see you come...let me see that big cock shoot all over your face...come on, honey...come...COME...COME!!!"

All over my face. In my hair, in my eyes, up my nose, all over my lips and chin. It was such a powerful climax that I couldn't speak. I could barely breathe. I wiped the semen out of my left eye and looked at Mom.

She was staring at my cock, at the semen coating my face and cock, and there was a long, terrible moment when I thought she wouldn't remember that I wasn't Bill, I wasn't her husband. I didn't want her to touch me, or even look at me anymore. I made sure not to look at her naked crotch. I didn't want to give her any encouragement, and I didn't want any fuel for future nightmares.

The sound of a slamming door broke the queasy tension. "Honey, I'm home!" My dad to the rescue. My mother's head turned toward the door, and without a glance she left my bedside, quick as a velociraptor. She had her shirt off before she was out the door, and I heard a quiet "snap!" as she unclasped her bra.

I unlocked my legs and my quivering stomach relaxed. I went to the hallway and heard, rather than saw, what happened next. Dad said, "Hey baby, I...whoa...what's going on? You just couldn't wait to...oh...ohh...baby...oh baby...oh...is Danny...whoa...baby...is Danny home?" A long, shuddering sigh. "Baby, that's...oh...that's good...oh..." Another sigh. "Suck it...suck it...ohhh...no, let's fuck, come on, slow down...baby, you're gonna make me come, I don't want to come like...oh...OHHH! Baby, OK, don't stop, OK, just don't stop...take it all the way..." A loud exhalation, then another, then another. "Yeah! Here...here I come...you want it all over your face? Yeah, yeah, you're a dirty little girl, you're my dirty little girl...oh, Laura, Laura, YES!"

The usual collection of groans, expletives and sighs of satisfaction rose up from downstairs. "Holy cow, baby," my father mumbled. "If I knew I'd get that kind of reception just for taking out the garbage..."

"You aren't done yet," Mom said. "Let's go upstairs."

"I hope I have the strength. Where's Danny?"

"Out. He'll be gone awhile."

"Good. Wouldn't want him walking in on us. We've put him though enough."

Yeah, right. I hid as my parents galloped to their bedroom. My mom, naked, grinning from ear to ear, her forehead still shiny in places where my father's semen had splattered, hissed, "Go to Elaine's!"

"Uh, sure."

The smile vanished. "Are you OK?"

"Uh, sure."

"Good!" Her head disappeared, then popped back in. "Thank you, for what you did," she whispered.

"Uh, sure."

"Don't worry, I won't make you do that ever again. I promise."

"Uh, uh, good."

She winked. "Have fun!" I heard her bedroom door slam shut, and then my father's voice. "Uh...oh, shit, don't you even want me to go down on you? I...uhh...ooh, baby, you're soaking wet. What the hell were you up to today? Uh, ohhh...OH. Shit, baby! Fuck me! Fuck me..."