Dear readers,
I am nothing if not inconsistent. My stories have ranged from reconciliation to BTB, although a BTB takes a lot out of me, they are just hard to write. If you only like a BTB then you will want to give this a miss. It isn't a Raac either. There is very little sex described so if that's what you are looking for then feel free to pass. As always copyright protection applies. I hope you enjoy.
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I sat in a restaurant on Main St. waiting for her to arrive. I chose to meet her here at Emil's because it was an old favourite of ours and it was neutral ground. They also had some booths that offered a modicum of privacy.
Ellen entered the room in her usual fashion, like she owned the place. She exuded an air of supreme confidence, only I knew a lot of it was really carefully managed insecurity. She shrugged off her coat and hung it up before even looking at me. When she did she wore a look of boredom, bordering on disdain. She sat opposite me.
"Okay Ron, I'm here, what what do you want?
"Clarity, we have hardly spoken except through lawyers after that terrible night."
"You could have done this over the phone rather than drag me out here."
"I'm sorry if lunch at Emil's is such an inconvenience for you. I am grateful you agreed to meet me."
We both ordered a lunch. Greek salad for her and a corned beef sandwich for me. I ordered a beer and she ordered a mineral water.
"For the life of me, Ellen, I can't understand why you decided to betray me the way you did that night."
"We had a fight, or don't you remember? We ended up screaming at each other and you grabbed your coat and walked out of the house."
"Yes, of course I remember that, but that doesn't explain why you did what you did after I left."
"What does it matter to you? It happened and it's history and now you're divorcing me."
"C'mon, Ellen, it's my business to know what motivates people."
I made my living as an analyst, a motivational speaker, a motivational guru and an author of motivational self-help books. I analyzed people's motives. I taught that if you understand another person's motives you can protect against relational disfunction. I needed to understand the motivation behind her betrayal. You would have thought with all my training I could see it coming.
"You and your fucking motivational career. That's all you fucking care about."
"I pride myself on understanding what motivates people. It's what I do, and I don't understand why you wantonly betrayed me."
"There isn't much to understand. You have been lecturing non-stop over the past three months. You have been travelling all around the country. I hadn't seen you in fucking ever. We talked on the phone once in a while but it was usually about paying a bill or something else mundane. You finally come home and instead of loving me, kissing me and telling me how much you missed me, we get into a raging argument over I don't know what. I don't even remember. We both said some horrible things to each other and you ran out!"
"Yes, I was there! I remember all of that.
"I had lived three months without any love, without any sex at all. I was prepared to fuck you dry that evening. FYI, I wasn't wearing panties under that short skirt I was wearing and the sweater I had on covered the nearly transparent top I wore. You started a shouting match. When you left me there I just said 'fuck it'."
I just stared at her.
"I left the house and went to the Empire Hotel. I didn't change clothes. Within an hour I was in a man's car and giving him a blow job as we drove back to our house.
We were in the middle of fucking when you decided to come back home."
"That is what I don't understand. You had an infinite number of options to deal with your anger. You could have destroyed my office, burnt my files, destroyed the house. Why did you choose to do what you did? Surely you knew that it would be the end for us if I found out."
"Think about it Ron, if I destroyed your computer you'd buy a new one, your files are backed up to the cloud. The house is half mine so why would damage that. The only way I could pay you back, hurt for hurt, was to give away what was exclusively yours. It also scratched the sexual itch that had been driving me crazy for months."
"So you're saying your motivation was to cause hurt and a rampant libido? Did you realize it could also drive a permanent wedge between us?"
"No, because I didn't expect you back that night. You were so angry after our argument that I figured it would be days before you would come back."
"So if I never found out, it wouldn't have hurt me. That means that can't have been your motive."
"I've never thought about it like that. You're right, that couldn't have been my true motive. Maybe it was because I would always know that I'd given myself to another man and you'd never know. There is a certain power in that kind is secret knowledge."
I sat there silently absorbing and processing what she said. There is indeed a power imbalance created when one partner has secret knowledge. It's part of what makes affairs attractive and so addictive.
"If I'd thought you'd discover us I wouldn't have done it. I never wanted to end our relationship. Let me turn your theory back on you."
"Okay, this will be interesting."
"When you came home and saw us in bed you had an infinite number of options as well. We could have talked through it, found ways to reconcile, ways for me to show that it was hurt that drove me to betray you, not a rejection of you. Instead you chose the nuclear option and began divorce proceedings."
This was one of the times I wished that she never listened to my lectures or read any of my books.
"Yes, you're right. I could have chosen less painful and less permanent options, but just like wars between countries, the nuclear option results in mutually assured destruction. You exercised your nuclear option first, I launched mine in retaliation and our relationship was annihilated."
"Yet here we are, sitting here waiting on our long overdue food order to arrive. I came here at your request, that means there must be some kind of life left in our relationship."
"I don't know what kind of life you would call it, but it isn't a relationship."
"What was it that set you off when you got home from your lecture tour? I was ready to rock your world."
"Exhaustion, the lectures are repetitive, the questions from so many of the students were inane. The special interest groups would protest my speaking at their beloved institution. I had eggs thrown at me. My latest book was reviewed rather poorly by the scholarly crowd. I came home with a chip on my shoulder. For some reason you said something that knocked that chip off my shoulder and I blew up. For that I am sorry, I shouldn't have taken it out on you like that."
"I should have known you would be exhausted. I guess I had built up an idea in my head that we would have dinner and make love that evening. I gave you no time or space to decompress. I got frustrated and that lead to the fight."
"We are getting somewhere with this. Let's continue after our meals, look here they come."
We quietly ate. I let our conversation percolate in my mind. It still came down to her overreacting to our argument and my leaving the house. No matter how you parse it, it was a means of punishment. She never expected me to find out, let alone find them in the act.
I thought about my own reaction, was it an overreaction? No, when you find you wife being penetrated by another man in your marriage bed, divorce is not an overreaction.
Despite the delicious corned beef on dark rye I was not enjoying the meeting.
Ellen had been my best friend and wife for these past twenty years. She was still a beautiful woman, she could walk into any room and get a man to take her home. That night it had taken less than an hour. Losing her was like losing my arms and legs. She was the anchor that kept me from drifting off course. An anchor that I had been taking for granted.
We finished the excellent lunch and she began to pull on her coat.
"Thanks for lunch. I hope you got the answers you wanted."
