She checked her phone. No private messages. Not a single one. "Yep. Just goes to show, this online app thing? So not a thing." She tossed her phone on her bed and sprawled her body across the down comforter.
You see, she had given in. Into her darkness that is. Listened to the inner whispers and the online whispers. Assurances made. Now she questions it all. She was only a couple of months past turning that "silver" age. Ugh. Not a pleasant thing since she didn't feel "silver" or bronze or anything but sensual and sexual and young at heart. Yes, she had issues. Scary issues. Bipolar, anxiety, and hypersexuality that only one with a matching dark side could equal. But, was that possible? She was doubting it. You would think the older you got the less the darkness would come out to play anyway, right?
Finding a dark friend, secret lover, cougar's companion? That was the experiment. A new one to her, yet not so much as her imagination had always envisioned this. She had read about it, seen it, and even written it. Now it was time to see it fulfilled. At least, so she thought. Because you see, even though she was not looking for a relationship, she was looking for an arrangement. An understanding of sorts that consisted of a mutual sexual satisfaction and friendship with someone younger. Sort of "50 Shades of Grey's Mrs. Robinson" but with an equally dominant Mr. Grey.
Ugh. Was the infatuation disquieted by truth? Could it actually be as good or fulfilling as fantasy uttered anyway? No, she doubted it, that's why they were called fantasies. They were only words, right? And words only went so far. Especially scattered here and there, disconnected. Without substance. Yep, the darkness was subsiding. Taking its place in the recess of her mind. Bored out of its skull and wrapping itself into her cocoon to await salvation. But would it come?
Obviously time for a distraction and a much needed jaunt to the real world. Her darkness was all cuddled away in its little corner of her head, gate latched, lights off, manacles fastened. Probably no need for all the added security now because she was locked in her own reverie and not coming out. Well, good. She pushed herself off her enviably comfortable bed and slid down its massive height until her feet hit the floor. Let's just do this.
It was nearing early evening and since she wasn't sure where her trek might take her and since she was feeling unconventional she pulled a brand new black and silver steampunked corset from her drawer, black tight jeans and black floor length lightweight cardigan and put them on. She finished it off with tight mid-calf low heeled boots. Properly iced with light waves in her hair and perfect make-up, for once. She smiled at her reflection and nodded. Yep, even her darkness would be satisfied with this. After all, age was just a number, not a size or style, right? And in this get-up who would think 50? At least she hoped not. Age was a sneaky thing.
Under the clothes were marks of a life well-lived up to a point. Stretch marks, curves, scars... all well-earned and yet all a reminder that she wasn't exactly young any more. The past ten years were a blur. Forty - fifty went by all too quickly and squandering it seemed to be an inevitability. The darkness had developed a strength during that time. At times just taking over in an attempt to escape reality. She had fought it. She had fought it well until recently and had given in. It really wanted to play. It craved appeasement. Well she decide that it was too strong and being the type to always be in control it was an unacceptable attribute. So she put it away. Her darkness pouted at the thought and then went back to its reverie. The darkness was resigned. Or so she assumed.
She grabbed her keys from the hook by the door and sauntered out on a quest. Just to leave her domain and get out was an achievement in itself and she was a little encouraged by her daring. Her darkness just sighed and shook its head. What was the point, really? If you can't release it, then why bother?
Behind the wheel she started up her car and then wondered. "Where the hell am I going?" What the hell, the mall was close. She pulled from the lot and headed towards the retail atrocity. Shopping was not her thing. Her online stores were ample and cost effective and she didn't have to get out in the heat of the south that was oppressive even most winters. The closer she got to her destination the more her anxiety kicked up. Social environments were not her thing either but she was going to be bold and get the hell out. It was time, because there was not much time left.
As she reached her destination her heart skipped a beat and then pounded in her chest alerting her to the gravity of her decision. "Shut the fuck up and calm down." She quickly got out of the car, pushed her keys on the loop of her bag and shut the door. The walk to the mall entrance was mentally excruciating. One foot in front of the other. A weak smile to herself. Thoughts of each passerby staring at her enveloped her mind. Her darkness rumbled a little at her incompetence.
As she walked through the entrance a gulf of cool air wrapped her body and she leaned into it slightly. That was better. The heat was insufferable. Now what? She held her head high and walked the nearest corridor with feigned confidence. Window shopping was her objective. Just walk by, peer in, act interested. This was so not what she craved.
Then she spotted a store that would save her from her current anxiety. A nail salon. Yes! That would do it. She went in and sat down at a table and waited. In moments a beautiful girl took her hands and asked her what she needed today. Her darkness snickered. "She needs me, but oh well." She shoved back the insult and told the girl to give her the works and the girl went to work.
She stared out the windows into the mall as the girl worked her hands and fingers and tried to make small talk but she was observing the people. She watched as groups of young people walked by like animated little crews and families both small and large trying to keep up with each other. She watched as a couple excitedly chased a toddler who was having way too much fun running away from them laughing and she laughed too. Little do they know how that time passes so quickly. She sobered at the thought and her darkness grumbled. Shut up.
Her thoughts were on autopilot drifting around in a million different directions until they were interrupted by the smiling girl asking if she was satisfied with the work. She looked down at her now gleaming and longer than usual nails. They were perfect, painted black with silver metallic tips and hints of glitter, then polished to a mirrored shine. Two rhinestone jewels topped off the tip of her right index finger and she smiled up at the girl. Yes, perfect. She didn't recall even telling the girl what colors she wanted or that she wanted accents but the nails matched her attire and she was pleased. Her darkness smirked. She paid the girl, complete with a large tip. The girl handed her a receipt, a punch card for her next visit and a coupon for a nearby bar and grill.
She left the salon and looked at the coupon. A drink special stared back at her and her darkness peeked at it. The darkness gave her a nudge and pulled at the restraints its reverie disturbed. She pulled out her cellphone and swiped the screen, knowing what she wouldn't see but hoping anyway. No messages. Apparently the desire was not as deep there as she imagined. The darkness strained against the restraints again to snatch the phone and type in a coy whisper of its own. It was waking up; the darkness. Shit. Just not a good idea.
Her legs took her toward the bar and her mind followed reluctantly. Just a drink or two from the special, right? I mean what could it hurt? Liquid courage. Who knows?
She entered the low lit bar and grill and walked past the smiling hostess to a deep set small booth in the corner of the bar area. A waitress stopped and she pushed the coupon towards her. The waitress smiled and complimented her nails and her outfit. Her darkness stretched and yawned loudly, waking itself and trying to get attention. It was questioning all of the security now and she was glad she had put it in place even though it was complacent at the time.
She ordered a glass of wine, red blend, long pour, and waited for the waitress to come back. She envied the waitress and imagined she probably made good tips. Skinny with ample cleavage and nice hips. She would make beautiful babies one day she mused. Her darkness cringed. Really? Grow down. Not up. Get a clue.
