I woke, as the old Kris Kristofferson song goes, "with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt."
The taste in my mouth told me I had thrown up, the puddle under my cheek told me I had been drooling, and the pressure deep in my belly told me I had better get to the bathroom right fucking NOW!
I was squeezing, glad for the bazillion or so Kegels I did every day, or I would surely have wet the bed.
I reached for leverage to help me get up and felt warmth, a body.
My eyes wouldn't open.
When I touched I found my face more or less covered in a hard crust.
So I got my fingers up and managed to get my eyes open, gently pulling on my eyelids.
The man next to me was hugely fat, his body heat like waking next to an oven.
When I tried to roll away from him I hit another obstacle.
"Oh, fuck," was my first clear thought as I started sort of butt-scooting down the bed to get up.
Adding to my overall distress, my stomach was roiling and I knew I had to get to the damn bathroom pretty quick, or wetting the bed was going to be the least of my problems.
I managed to scoot off the foot of the bed and then padded to the bathroom.
I knew that both things were going to happen, there was no stopping it, so I got into the bathtub, on all fours, and managed to turn on the water before my body let loose.
What I threw up was pretty much all clear liquid. Some part of my mind tried to remember if I had had anything to eat and came up blank.
What I peed was strong and acidic and very dark I noticed as it sluiced down the tub toward the drain.
I closed my eyes, trying to relax as my body retched again, down to dry heaves, and my urine stream just kept flowing.
I yelled as I felt the barely warm water start pouring over me.
"You always were a lightweight," Arlene said, her fingers in my hair, holding me in place as I struggled to escape.
I retched again and the smell told me this time the clenching of my body had me doing more than peeing.
She laughed.
"Jesus Christ, do I need to get you a diaper," she said as she continued hosing me down.
"Arlene, JESUS CHRIST!" I yelled and she laughed and pulled my hair hard enough to force me to look up and then she started hosing my face down making me cough and sneeze.
"Open your mouth," she said.
"JESUS CHRIST!" I yelled again, coughing as the spray from the handheld shower nozzle hit my mouth, choking me. I was being waterboarded.
I coughed and threw up again and this time when my body clenched my bowels let go. I was still drunk and dehydrated and what came out was watery diarrhea. And the stink was awful.
Not, all in all, my best morning.
I surrendered, opened my mouth, and let her flush it out with the showerhead. She hosed down my face some more and my hair which seemed to be crusty too.
"All right, you fucking drunk," she said, laughing, "get up."
I waved my hand vaguely and she took it and pulled me up to my feet.
"I think we take care of Carl first. You owe him, bitch," she said, "after all, you passed out on him."
"Oh God," I moaned.
"Whatcha want?" she asked, "cock or mouth?"
"Huh?" I managed, wishing my headache would at least ease up a little. The hammering was getting really annoying.