The Beginning Of Stupid

The Art of Being Stupid Begins

Friday May 15th, 1981 was about to be the greatest day of my life. When the sun went down that evening I would still be a jackass but at least there'd be some improvement in this wretched thing called the being I was. After twenty-eight years of being an idiot, I was finally getting laid. Thank God for that angel by the name of Linda.

For most of my existence I'd been a fat ass, four-eyed and terrified of girls, that's a statement of fact. A jackass, real simple. Blame it on anything up to and including being raised American Baptist, it didn't matter, facts are facts. For a lot of reasons in early 1981 I went nuts. Stopped smoking and got healthy. Stopped eating and got thin. Got a pair of contact lens and could see. I even paid attention in grad school, not that it had any purpose in life. After all, I was still terrified of women and then there she was.

I was drinking coffee at McDonald's across from the university that Wednesday morning, killing time waiting for class. For no apparent reason I watch the city transit bus pull to a stop across the street, let some people off and pull away. This beauty of a woman was standing there, waist length chestnut hair, flannel overshirt, jeans, book bag and white cane. Shit, a blind girl going to college? I was impressed. I was a jackass. I pitched the coffee and followed her to see what this was all about.

At least followed her to the first intersection. We're college snots, we only thought about ourselves, not the disabled beauty trying to figure out traffic. I don't know where it came from, this rare bit of courage that infected me at the moment.

"Hi, pretty lady. Can I help?"

Whether it was the compliment or the offer of assistance doesn't matter, I got a smile. By the time we'd gotten to her class I also had a name, life story and a date to take a walk that afternoon after class. I'm no looker but I must have talked well. I was apparently about to talk a lot better than I ever knew possible.

That was about 9 that Wednesday morning when we'd met. By 3 that afternoon we'd established the Park of Roses isn't in bloom the third week of May. We'd also established sitting on a fallen log kissing was nice but back in my car would be better. We were going to establish a lot of other things real fast as well.

Little things like Linda loved getting felt up, especially since she didn't like to wear a bra, 34C's or not. She also loved having her nipples sucked, even when her moans made me crazy and I broke the skin. Linda definitely liked having her jeans unsnapped and caresses down there where she wasn't wearing panties either. What she really loved was the finger in her and coming all over it. So much so she really thought she'd love me taking her back to her place and finishing the deed I'd started.

I'm a jackass, I panicked. I'd beat off just before I'd picked her up. I'd never had the sticky finger before. I'm an idiot. I dredged up a lame excuse and begged off. Friday though. Friday, let's do it then. Deal.

Thirty-six hours blurs, I've got no idea what I did or thought. All that matters was I was supposed to be at her place on Broadmeadows at 9 on Friday morning. She'd be waiting, it would be nice and that was all good. I'm a jackass and I was parked there at 8.

So much for health and not smoking, I chained them as I watched the clock. I'm surprised somebody didn't call the cops. Right at nine I'm out, I look up the street and a bus stops on High Street. It pulls away and here comes Linda. She's supposed to be home, I'm confused. I'm scared and I wait. Judging by the kiss I got, all my troubles were over. Actually they had just begun.

She'd had to go to campus to turn in a form. She was so looking forward to this. So glad I was there. Had I been to the apartment yet? No? Oh, then I hadn't met the room-mate.

Room-mate? Room-mate. Tracey, another blind woman, sitting on a couch listening to the television. How nice to meet you, are you leaving? I'm a jackass. No. No matter, Linda's dragging me back to her bedroom. We'll talk later, I'm sure. Sure and the door is closing, the disaster begins.

Shit or get off the pot, junior. Linda dropped her book bag and was standing there, halter and jeans. We're kissing, the halter is opening, my shirt is coming off and it's too late to be anything but terrible. That being terrible was something I could and did do quite well.

Bear in mind Linda had no idea I was a virgin and I had no idea women could be that vocal. I'm totally embarrassed I can't find the slot and the fact she was shrieking in lust while I fumbled around. I don't care how loud the TV was, Tracey was hearing it all and Linda didn't care. She just wanted laid and I was an idiot. Idiot but not totally stupid.

I'd seen a porn movie or two, there was still hope. I rolled on my back, watched my cock finally stick up and not down, then moved Linda into position. I remember she frowned but she was frowning a lot at me. She got the message though and all praise to God with one lifting of her hips and slamming down onto me. Finally I wasn't a virgin any more.

At least my penis was in a woman, let's say it was that, but about 15 minutes from orgasm I discovered. A nude beauty, now shrieking again as I felt her wetness coat me was pumping up and down. She arched her back, her breasts heaving and then slapped her hands together over her head and shrieked as another orgasm let go inside her. Not mine, hers, a woman who loved loving. I was just hanging on, watching her go berserk and wondering why I wasn't coming. Wondering if I was queer or something, it was so long of her humping me before I finally felt it. It, that beautiful sensation building, swelling and finally exploding. Sweet Jesus, I'd finally screwed a woman.

It was some other guy who sauntered out of that apartment around five that evening. I pitied Tracey, she'd had to hear it all, the making of a stallion. Five times I'd dropped a load into Linda, three on my back, finally managing two missionaries before the session was over. I even got one from her on her knees, not as good as inside the pussy, but still a climax. I was all man, totally ready for what came next into forever. A forever that lasted exactly two weeks.

Fourteen glorious days of banging a beauty, no questions asked gives a man a new outlook on all things. I stayed a jackass as well, never telling the poor thing she'd broken me in. Never having any doubt she knew after the first time I'd tried to stick her. She'd only known the art for a year herself, losing hers on a camping trip. None of that mattered, at least to me. All that worried me was the next orgasm. That and then that other guy.

It was two weeks to the day that I'd lost my virginity, about 9 that Friday morning as well, when I called. Just wanted to make sure she was home before I came up to bang her again. I have no clue why she answered the phone other than to let me know my standing in life. Maybe it was just the way she chose to give the message to any guy in my situation it was over.

The sound of another guy's lust grunts was my first clue I might be on the cut list of Linda's life. Hearing him tell her he was coming was another, as was her own lust growl and then the panting of a completed couple. I'd gotten what I deserved, I hoped she enjoyed getting fucked and hung up. The stallion wasn't much of a man after all.

I'd catch up to Linda one more time but it was years later. I walked away from that one totally convinced I should consider the priesthood. How little I knew how wrong I was, that I was about to shoot fish in a barrel. That a man's total failure would lead to any man's greatest success when it comes to getting laid, but that's a collection of stories yet to be written.