Study Buddy

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The characters sexualized in the story are all 18 or older.

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I was a nineteen year old sophomore at Tulsa University. I was on academic probation. I had changed majors from engineering to music composition. I was taking a couple of computer science classes...

... And I was miserable.

Back up a minute. It was 1982, in the spring semester. I had gone to TU to study electrical engineering, a program that I had hoped would help me get a job making audio gear like Saul Marantz. He made those cool receivers like the famous 2325 in the '70s that had a flywheel tuner. I had taken music theory as an elective because I loved music and it fit with my academic goal. The problem was that I couldn't pass calculus - and without that I couldn't do physics either, and so I was kind of screwed.

While I had taken some computer science classes, I had taken them because Carol was in them. Only she was a comp sci major and it made sense for her.

Carol had been a part of a group of girls that I hung out with freshman year. She had started dating a guy from one of the frats, and I suspected they were having sex, it just wasn't something that I could talk about. She would constantly tease me about my "lack of experience", and I loved her for it. I was totally infatuated with her.

Over the summer, she went home to Grand Island, Nebraska, and she invited me to visit for a week. I had gone up there, and stayed in her parents house, but I was really too chicken and too damned nice to make a move. I was so infatuated with her that I put her on a pedestal, and because I was a virgin - I really didn't know how to make a move anyway.

When we got back to school for fall semester she had started dating one of my best friends, Bill. I was still infatuated, and very envious of my friend, but I had to just let it go. Carol was still a good friend and I hung out with them and sometimes her. She still teased me mercilessly and I couldn't stay away.

Then in October, Carol and Bill took her little Dodge up to Wichita for a football game and they ended up in an accident and Carol was killed. It really messed up Bill, as he was driving at the time and she had been thrown out the open window as the car rolled because he swerved to avoid a dog or a fox. He ended up dropping out of engineering school and becoming a short order cook.

I lost two of my best friends. As I contemplated what to do, I decided that music composition was a shit idea, and that I wanted to study computer science. I had already taken 3 courses, and had managed to pass them all and felt like I understood the subject. So for the spring semester I decided to take two more computer science courses. I'm pretty sure one of the courses I took was called Compiler Construction - where you learn how to build your own programming language and create a program to turn programs written into instructions that a computer can understand. I was not ready to change my major yet.

I guess I have always been one of those guys who perpetually is crushing on some girl. Ever since third grade (Sheila O'Brien) I feel like I have been infatuated with one girl or another for as long as I can remember. I was still doing it.

After Carol died, I somehow couldn't bring myself to feel that way. Now I suppose I was experiencing some depression - but back then it just sucked. It was bad enough to have Bill scoop her out from under me, but then she goes and fucking dies. It just hurt, I was miserable. I just wanted her to tease me some more.

Then in week three of my programming course, we were assigned a group project and we had to pick a partner. To my surprise the girl, or more correctly the lady, behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I would be her partner. I say lady, because Sandy was a returning student. While I had spoken to her a couple of times to share notes or something I really hadn't paid any attention.

Anyway, we exchanged names and contact information, and since we both had no classes after this one, we agreed to go to the student union to figure stuff out. As we walked to Wesby hall, I started to notice things about Sandy. She was tall, at least 5' 10" to my 6' 2" and she was lean. Not thin, she had wide hips and probably B or C cup breasts and really long legs. She wore a peasant blouse and hip-hugger style bell-bottom jeans, kind of like a hippie. She had shoulder length brown hair. I don't really have a description for her face, other than she was average, neither pretty nor plain.

As we walked, she shared that she was married to Brian who was a lawyer and had a 6 year old daughter and now that her daughter was in school it enabled her to go back to college.

Once we got to the student union, we sat in the cafe, got some drinks and started talking about the project. We did the "divide and conquer" thing and within 15 minutes had figured out who could do what and when we should meet again. Sandy had classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and lived in a home in Broken Arrow about 25 minutes from campus. She was only on campus those days. It was Friday and that had been her last class, and she was ready to go home - so we agreed to meet on Monday after class and check progress.

It became a regular thing, after every class we would go and sit and have a coke and talk about the project or other stuff. I started to feel that I had made a new friend, and it kind of made me feel less miserable. On our third meeting, Sandy had shared that she was a Junior in standing and I guess I wanted to get to know a little more about my friend.

"Hey Sandy, what is your story, how did you end up in this class?" I asked.

"That, my friend, is a long story, and one maybe better told over a beer. I'll buy if you'll listen," she replied

Suddenly we were getting up to walk to her car and head to the Beehive, a dive bar about 6 blocks away. In Oklahoma, at that time, the blue laws allowed 18 year olds to drink beer if it was only 3.2% abv, in other words piss water.

As we sat in the bar and ordered a couple of beers she started to tell me that she went to the University of North Carolina when she was only 17, and it was like 1967 and there were a lot of drugs and hippie stuff going on and she just fell into that lifestyle very quickly. After a couple of years, she ended up dropping out and living in a commune and touring around the country.

"What you need to do, Rob, is to drop some acid and listen to Quicksilver Messenger Service playing Happy Trails," she said, only half joking.

"I love music, but have never heard of that band. What are they like?" I asked.

"They are my favorite psychedelic rock or acid rock band, and you should definitely try them out, they may very well blow your mind."

"I might just do that. So how did you end up here?" I asked.

"There was a time when that whole hippie thing fell apart. The guy I had been hanging around with split and I went home to NC and decided to go back to college. Then before I even started back to school, I very quickly met Brian who was a third year law student and before I knew it we were engaged and getting married. By then I was 25 and we wanted to have kids and BAM! Everything happened and now I am here."

The waitress brought our beers and we sat for a moment, before I wanted to take the conversation further.

"So was Brian into the whole hippie thing as well?" I probed.

"Actually, he was but I didn't know him then, and he didn't really drop out of school or travel around as much. We have some similar experiences and values, but I stayed with it way too long. We both kind of recognize that it was a lot of BS but it was hard to see from the inside," she shared.

"My older step sister was into that stuff, I remember some of the people she brought to the house when I was younger, in like '72 when her dad and my mom got together. They kind of freaked me out. They talked to me as an adult and about some adult topics."

"I can only imagine. Step Sister wore no bra, and some interesting clothing I suspect?" she suggested.

"Yeah, I really didn't get it at the time, but I kinda had a crush on her and a couple of her girlfriends. I was ten, what the hell did I know? Donna was an artist. Lived in Brattleboro, Vermont and Ellicott City, Maryland as far as I knew."

"I was never in either of those places, but I knew people who were. Both had strong hippie and artist cultures. To be honest, I just traveled around following one guy after another - never really had my own thing. Looking back on it, it was a lot of fun. I thought I was being so different and so tuned in, but now I realize I was just drifting and nothing I did really mattered or meant anything. I think that is why when I met Brian things happened so damned fast," Sandy revealed.

"Do you regret any of it?" I asked, then realized that I might have made a mistake, "Sorry, I am not sure I should have asked that. You don't have to answer or say anything. I am just a dumb college student and I probably just put my size 11 foot in my mouth."

"No foul," she said, "I am pretty open about stuff. If I don't want to answer, I'll tell ya. I do regret some of the guys I hung out with. Hippie guys were not much better than other guys. Mostly they just wanted to get in my pants. They just had different pickup lines and other bad habits. I was so young when I got into it, I just didn't realize it. It was such a movement that I got swept up. To be honest, though, I did enjoy sex. A lot. I just didn't understand what made it good or bad for a long time.

"I don't regret doing drugs. That was good for me too. Maybe I did too much, but I also learned a lot and had some really good experiences. Don't be afraid to try them, pot and LSD are easy and not addictive like people think.

"I really don't regret getting with Brian or having my daughter. Brian really helps me keep my shit together and Heather is really the joy of my life. Which reminds me, I have to be home in about 30 minutes so that I can be there when she gets there. Are you OK if I leave you here?"

"Sure, It's a beautiful day and it is not far from where I live. I don't mind at all, let me get my stuff from your car." I said as she left ten bucks on the table and we walked out.

As we got to her car, she stopped and looked at me funny and said, "I really enjoyed this. I don't have a lot of friends and certainly not on campus. Thanks for hanging with me. See you after class on Friday."

She got in her car and drove off. As I walked the few blocks back to my dorm, I started to realize that I was becoming infatuated with Sandy. I had some thoughts about this. It was interesting, being infatuated with a married woman. It had an appeal. I had no intention of trying to get with her, and I respected her so that I didn't want to hurt her or her family. It was like I had a built in excuse for doing nothing. Somehow it still made me feel good, just like I did when I was infatuated with someone who was available.

My thoughts turned to Carol and why I had been into her. The thought that she was more experienced held an appeal, but the fact that she openly teased me about it was really important. I had had two girlfriends in high school, and had done some sexual experimenting but we never made it to intercourse. I had received and given oral but had not the skill to bring them off, and I had never gotten off by oral myself. I decided that part of my hesitation with Carol was that lack of skill or confidence. I felt that I was a reasonably good looking guy. At 6' 2" and 185 having run two seasons of cross country I was pretty lean but I had little upper body muscle and huge powerful thighs. I had no trouble talking to girls or meeting them or asking them out but inviting any kind of intimacy, not so much. I started to realize that I might want a girl who would lead or initiate. Not necessarily the aggressive or predatorial type, and laying back waiting might not get me very far very fast.

A few classes later, Sandy and I went to a diner called Helmut's Alpine Kitchen a couple miles from campus. We drove separately and decided to eat and study. While we were working on our programs, I asked Sandy if I could talk about something personal.

"Sandy, I really enjoy our time together. It's made me think about how differently I relate to female students my own age and..."

She cut me off, "Is this where you tell me you're in love with me?"

"N-no," I stammered, "I'm only a little infatuated. Oh shit! I didn't mean to say that. Foot in mouth again. God I am dumb."

"Relax, I've noticed it. It's ok. I know you're not gonna do anything about it. And I sure as hell won't. To be honest, it's more than a little flattering."

"What I really wanted was your opinion about something," I said, "and I guess I'm glad you're flattered."

I proceeded to talk about my deal with Carol and how I thought I wanted a girl who would lead or initiate. She asked some questions about my experience with girls and girlfriends including sexual experience. I told her pretty much everything. What was weird was that I wasn't embarrassed and she didn't seem uncomfortable. I suddenly realized that I had never talked with a girl about my sexual experience before.

"Rob, you seem like a genuinely nice guy. I can't imagine that most girls your age wouldn't be glad to have a lover that lets them lead or at least go at their own pace. The fact that you aren't aggressive or constantly pressuring them is not your problem. But you need to be able to let them know what you want or at least that you want something..." she paused to let that sink in.

"Hell, if I were your age and you had this conversation with me, I would want to go back to your place and figure it out. As it is I'm kinda turned on listening to you talk about what you did in high school, so probably Brian is going to get lucky as soon as Heather is in bed tonight. Even with our age difference, I'm attracted to you. Girls' arousal works differently than guys."

"Sandy, my intention was not to get you revved up. I'm so sorry. I just hoped you could help me figure out if I was weird in how I relate to girls. I hope you're not upset," I was kinda freaked out by her revelation.

"Don't be sorry. I have a healthy safe outlet when I get turned on. I'm looking forward to tonight. You, on the other hand, have no real prospect and only manual stimulation to solve your problems. I get that your lack of experience reduces your confidence. I'm not sure what can be done about it. And I can tell you from my experience that bad experience is worse than no experience."

Sandy just smiled at me and I was pensive.

"What did you mean when you said that girls' arousal works differently than guys?" I asked.

"Girls' arousal is more mental and emotional. Carol knew that you were safe to tease. Don't fool yourself. She wanted you to make a move. She was attracted to you. She wanted to be with you. She totally trusted you, but you couldn't pull the trigger. Sorry. Girls also like to be trusted. You didn't trust yourself or her. She had to move on. Girls also get turned on by their imaginations and so talking about sex sometimes does it.

"Let me propose an experiment. You have some friends that are attractive girls?" she asked.

"Sure."

"You ever go out as a group? To a club or a party?"

"A few times," I admitted.

"Next time sit with your girls and watch the guys come and hit on them. Pay attention to what their responses are. Ask them about the guys and their opinions. Ask them what they want a guy to be like," she suggested.

"Ok," I said.

With that Sandy said it was time to go so we paid our bill and went our separate ways.

I went back to campus and went to the girls dorm to talk to my friend Michelle. She and her roommates had been roommates and friends with Carol freshman year and we were still close. I asked her about Sandy's suggestion to go out with them but I didn't mention Sandy or tell them about why. She said that they already had plans to go clubbing this weekend and would ask if I could tag along.

"Why do you all of a sudden want to go clubbing with us?" she asked as I was getting ready to leave.

"To be honest, I'm still trying to get over Carol. Trying to figure myself out, I guess," I mumbled.

"You're not gonna get weird on us are you? I remember how much Carol teased you and made you miserable. It was so cute how much you wanted her and she was so merciless."

"Actually, I liked the way she treated me. I'm still trying to figure out why. Still trying to sort my shit out. I loved feeling the way I felt about her. I miss that feeling. But I don't know what to do. It's so fucked up." I shared.

Michelle asked, "What's so fucked up? You miss her. We all do."

I blurted out, "It's really fucked up that I'm infatuated with my friend who is married and like 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm turning into a freak."

"What does that have to do with Carol?" she asked.

"I guess that's a fair question." I replied, "I guess that I haven't thought about 'liking' anyone since Carol died and she is the first lady that I started to spend time with. I really don't know how my brain works or how my heart works, for that matter. It's part of what I'm trying to sort out."

"So how is clubbing with us going to help you sort this out exactly," she asked with a skeptical look.

"I have no idea," I sighed.

"Alright, well..."

"Let me know if you want me to come with you guys. It's totally ok if you'd rather not." I felt pretty hopeless at that moment.

Two days later I ran into Michelle on my way to class. She said the girls were happy for me to tag along and might even be interested in hearing more about my Carol problem. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to share with girls my own age. Sandy, being older and more experienced, seemed safe to talk to. I was concerned about appearing more pathetic and more needy and I didn't know if I could trust them not to spread things around. I needed to figure out how to play it.

I met the girls at their dorm on Friday at 8. Michelle and Karen and Sonya had also invited Christy whom I had never met before. I learned she was a freshman and was from the same high school as Karen. It actually worked in my favor because I had an excuse not to share embarrassing things or feelings. Michelle was from back east, Baltimore, I think and was 5' 2" with a dancer's body and a pretty face. Karen was 5' 7" and curvy, from Chicago and was very outgoing. Sonya was from Kansas City, was shy, rather thin with boobs that were too big for her body and she was black. Christy, I learned, was a born again Christian, but not the judgemental kind and she looked like the girl next door with cute blond hair and glasses. So off we went to the first club in my Volvo 164.

As we walked into the club, we quickly found a table and ordered drinks. There was a DJ and the music was loud. A few people were dancing. We mostly talked about school until the place got busy. Pretty soon after that I asked Michelle to dance and we got on the floor. We danced for three songs and went back to the table and the guys started coming. Most of them got shut down by my friends. A few got to dance and a couple stayed to sit with us for a while. My girls were just looking to have fun not wanting more than that so the guys left once they realized they were not going further. I asked Michelle how the girls decided who they would dance or talk to.

"I look for three things. Respectful, humble and reasonable. That means he looks at my eyes more than elsewhere, and he doesn't push too hard. He doesn't act like he's doing me a favor by asking me to dance, or like I should be asking him, and he's clean, well dressed, near my age, and not married," she opined.

"What about confidence?" I asked.