There is something I've been keeping secret for a long time now. I've been feeling a little guilty about it and it has gotten to the point that I'm obsessing about it. I thought writing about it would kind of ease some of the anxiety I've been having. But for several months now, I've been sexually attracted to my best friend's son.
Angie has been my best friend since sixth grade. We've been like sisters; I was her maid of honor in her wedding and she in mine. I was there with her when her son Josh was born. So, suddenly having this attraction to a young man I've babysat, changed diapers for, watched grow up, has taken me by surprise.
You have to understand, I am not some sexual deviant who preys on young men.
Usually...
I mean, I'm a church going woman; I've been faithful to my husband for 15 years. We have two kids of our own and everything is good.
Kind of..
Well, let's face it; lately my husband and I haven't been very intimate. After 15 years, things tend get stagnate. Between working, sports practices, dance classes, karate classes, piano lessons and my husband's job sending him out of the country for weeks sometimes, it's become a rarity that we even sit down for a family meal, let alone get a chance to have sex. Not that it has been any good when we do. Like I said, stagnate.
But why him? Why Josh? I am old enough to be his mother, literally. His Mom is my best friend. The consequences of sleeping with him would ruin everything; my marriage, my friendship. So why can't I stop thinking about him?
Josh, is 18. He's a good kid. He's always been respectful. When he was little he used to cuddle up next to me whenever I was over. He used to hold my hand whenever we went anywhere. He's always had a boyish charm about him. I've always said he had a smile like Tom Cruise. He has never been in trouble, an honor student in school and an athlete in numerous sports. He had a few girlfriends but they really didn't last long.
I don't know how this lustful attraction started.
Well, that's not true.
It could have been a number of things.
But it had to be around the time of his graduation party.
Angie and I had been out shopping for the party. We were getting decorations at this one store when I noticed the young man behind the counter looking at her ass.
As we walked down an aisle, I whispered "I think you have an admirer."
"What?" Angie asked surprised, looking back.
We both laughed as I sang the first few lines to "Mrs. Robinson".
"Damn, glad to know I still got it." She said confidently.
Angie, I always thought, was the prettier one. Guys were always asking her out. I was always the awkward kid who had braces and glasses in high school. My body didn't fully develop until college and then I've always had a thin figure. Even now at 40 and after having two kids, I'm still thin and still wearing the glasses.
"I wouldn't mind teaching him a few things." She said.
"Are you kidding?"
"No, look at him. He's a hot little stud. "
"He probably wouldn't know what do with you." I said.
"I don't know. These kids today with internet porn; I bet he's open to a lot of things. "
She smiled at the kid, he smiled back.
"I'm sure he'd be willing if I offered it up to him." She said with a deviant tone.
"Angie, he's old enough to be your son; Maybe younger."
"I know, that's what makes it kinda hot." She said.
My jaw dropped.
"Are you serious?" I said.
"Oh come on Samantha. Dream a little bit." She laughed. "Haven't you ever fantasized about a younger guy?"
"No, I'm married..AND SO ARE YOU." I said under my breath.
"Relax, I'm just playing." She said as she glanced over one last time.
"What if someone our age thought that way about Josh?"
"Well, he's an adult now. If he hooked up with an older woman who showed him some things, I'd say good for him."
I stopped dead in my tracks, shocked.
"I'm kidding." She said.
We paid for our decorations and Angie gave the kid a flirty, seductive smile.
When we got back to her house, Josh had just got home from the gym. He was standing in the kitchen drinking some juice. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but you could see his firm pecks and broad shoulders through the shirt. His hair was wet and his arms were glistening from sweat.
"Hi, Mom. Hi, Sam. " He said with that Tom Cruise smile.
"Hey kiddo." I said, smiling.
That was our little pet names for each other. He would call me "Sam", I would call him "Kiddo". Sometimes when he was little whenever we would cuddle, him rest his head on my chest. He would say in a sweet little tone "I love you, Sam."
"What did buy?"
"Stuff for your party." Angie said.
"Are you looking forward to starting college soon?" I asked.
"A little, right now I'm just enjoying the summer. Maybe have some fun."
He kissed his Mom on the cheek and gave him a hug before heading upstairs for a shower. When he pulled away he accidentally cupped the side of my breast. I didn't think anything about it, really.
Until, that night, that is.
***
My husband was out of town for work again, and the bed felt large and empty.
I had taken a sleeping pill and laid there in the dark, looking up at the shadows on the ceiling.
"Haven't you ever fantasized about a younger guy?" I heard Angie say in my mind.
To be honest, I never thought about any man except my husband. He was the only man I'd ever been with. We didn't even have sex until our wedding night. It's just how we were.
As I drifted off, I heard Angie's voice in my mind.
"If he hooked up with an older woman who showed him some things, I'd say good for him."
I began to dream I was driving along a country road. I was wearing a floral sun dress and sandals. The sky was turning gray and I couldn't figure where I was. Suddenly the engine stopped and the car slid to a slow halt. I tried the ignition but it wouldn't turn over.
I was scared, I didn't know where I was, I was stranded and I couldn't find my cell phone.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the window and there was Josh. He was wearing jeans and a tight white t-shirt.
"Hey Sam, you okay?" he asked.
"Hey, Kiddo. I don't know. The car just suddenly stopped."
