"Caroline, I can't. I just can't, okay, so stop asking, and stop yelling!"
That was Marvin, the manager of our diner, and he was yelling at Caroline Krasinsky, with a tone of desperation and finality that smacked of a nervous breakdown or the sudden appearance of a back bone. He had never refused Caroline, even though she was just a waitress and he was supposed to run the place. But today, something was different, something had changed, something had altered....
I was grinning my ass off.
Luckily, I was serving a table, so nobody caught my shit eating grin. You see, Caroline K was the head waitress at our Diner, and she was, well, putting it objectively, a very bad person. Putting it realistically, she was Soda Crackers Bitchcakes Crazy, and over the years she had maneuvered the entire Diner to cater to her mean and vindictive ass. And then I came along, and decided to take her down.
Admittedly, these folks weren't all that smart, and everyone hated Caroline, so I could have just used some consistent logic, good behavior and patience, and motivated a gradual positive change in how this awful diner ran itself.
But where's the fun in that?
I was a 19 year old theater major, who had a thing for older women. So I decided to put my acting and theater craft to use in order to manipulate these women into better behavior, and sex. Sound far fetched? Hell, there's nothing you can't accomplish with an equal amount of fear and ego stroking. And, of course, ACTING!
((please picture Jon Lovitz from Saturday Night Live proclaiming that line loudly while extending his arm boldly into the sky))
Caroline was currently sorting butter chips and muttering to herself, as shocked as the rest of us with Marvin's behavior. Mandy and Helena, two of Caroline's cronies were working the shift with me, and they avoided Caroline like the Plague. I did the same. The thing was, I had just caught one of the other waitresses, Lucinda, stealing and filmed her doing it. I then, of course, blackmailed her into sex and subservience. Oh, nothing weird, I didn't make her eat my shit or anything. Just that she would do what I say as it pertains to the Diner. Caroline was going down, and I was going to do it one duck at a time, just like Sgt. York. Have you seen that movie? Sgt. York picks off a whole crap load of Germans by shooting them from back to front, so the others don't see what's going on until it's too late. I had to be careful, as Caroline was an expert asshole. (I prefer that to Bitch, as 'bitch' has an anti-gender slant I don't care for). You don't shoot for the leader, you remove the leader's resources, slowly and without any loss to your own. Sun-Tzu said that. Or maybe it was Stanislavsky. It could have been Weird Al Yankovic. Anyway...
Marvin the manager was only slightly aware of what I was doing, and that was why he was able to face down Caroline. He didn't know the whole thing, and he didn't want to know. All he wanted was to read his comic books, but he had to work here at this shitty diner for his father-in-law. So I worked around him, and he gladly helped me do it. But by 6 o'clock, Caroline had stormed out without a word, just as soon as her asshole boyfriend pulled up in his Camaro. As soon as she did, Mandy and Helena starting yapping at each other like to magpies fighting over a gold watch. They got so busy with their gossip about Marvin and Caroline, that they ignored their customers, which frankly the customers were grateful for. Mandy and Helena were not very good at their job.
The thing was, our chefs were pretty damn good. I know we were just a crappy little diner, but it doesn't mean we have to suck. Half the reason we had a bad rap was the waitstaff got orders wrong, and were often late to the table. When I got the food to the table on time, it was hot, fresh tasting and I made sure the customer got what they asked for. Was it top dollar food? Nope. But did you get more than your money's worth? When I served it, hell yes! Barry, Lindo, Joaquin and Fredo, the line chefs, warmed to me gradually. I learned some Spanish, used it badly, was patient with their teasing, learnt to speak Spanish like a Mexican, and now we were working together to make good food, instead of just avoiding the wrath of Caroline. It makes me so mad when people's good work is wasted by the pissy attitude or laziness of someone else, you know? It motivated me even further to get back at this woman for creating such unnecessary incompetence.
Lucinda was the first step. Mandy and Helena were the next.
As they ignored everything to gossip about Caroline, I closed out all their tables early and pocketed the tips. There were six tables, two and four tops, all with nice people who appreciated my hustle. When Mandy and Helena finally lifted their heads to check on their tables, and found them all taken by me, they started squawking fast. They came at me as a pair, like they usually did. They were both about 64 years old, 5'6", and were possessed of huge chests, about 44 or 48 D's. Really! Both of them! Their tits were colossal! And the two of them together were comical, especially considering their contrasting hairstyles. Mandy had big blue eyes and a hairdo like Dolly Parton from the 70's; bottle blonde and piled up high. Helena's salt and pepper hair was swept up in a bun, like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts Of Life. She had small eyes with large glasses, and a large handsome nose.
As they yelled at me for 'taking money out of their pockets', I went to the office and they followed me inside. As they continued to yell, I played their video tape, which first showed Helena taking money out of a cash till, and then a montage of Mandy taking money out of several purses in the back. They stopped yelling, and as the Diner closed up for the night, I left them in the tiny office while I locked the doors and sent the cooks home. The two women were whispering furiously as I came back into the office. I stood there for about half a minute before they knew I was there.
"Ain't figured out what to do, have you?" I asked.
They were silent.
"Have you figured out Marvin and Caroline aren't going to be any help?"
"See! I told you!" Said Helena. Mandy whacked her on the arm.
Mandy stood and faced me with her hands on her hips, looking every bit like a trailer trash Dolly Parton, which was half her intent. "So what do you expect us to do?", she drawled.
"I expect you to work off your thievery. Helena, Not only can I send you to jail, I can ensure you will never be hired again. You get that, right?" Helena's eyes got as wide as they could. Mandy tried to take the scene back "Hey there sport! I'm the one talking to you! Don't screw us around. Just tell exactly what you want!"
I reached to her shirt and unbuttoned her top button, and then another.
"Oh, it's like that, is it?" she said slowly.
I smirked. "I'd prefer the money, but you're broke. And I'm bored. So..." I undid another button. Her waitress's uniform slowly opened opened up to reveal her huge chest. Helena was literally agog, her mouth hanging open.
"Are you going to.. is he going to...what are you...", Helena stammered.
Mandy had a weary, 'I expected this' look on her face. As she started to go down to her knees, i stopped her and picked her back up. She skipped a bunch of bullshit conversation and went right for, "Well, what then?" I actually started to like her a bit right there. It seems that Mandy was a no-nonsense kinda gal, at least when people let her be.
"Unbutton Helena's top." Helena's face went scarlet.
Mandy's eyes went flat. "I ain't no carpet muncher." she said flatly.
