Let me start by saying that I am always willing to step up and admit when I've made a mistake. I also hate being wrong so I have a tendency to avoid situations where those words "I was wrong" would have to escape my mouth. That said, the phrase "This is stupid," kind of became my mantra as my minivan sped along the nearly deserted roads to the lake. It was too late to turn back so I let those cursed words roll around in the back of my mouth.
Every summer, Brenda, my ex-sister-in-law and very best friend in the whole wide world invites all the brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins up to her cabin on Lake Lambert for a family reunion. I had the joy of attending fourteen of these parties with my now ex-husband and later with our two children. A bigger bunch of jerks you never did meet, but watching them all get totally shit-faced is entertainment beyond words.
I had missed the party for the past three years thanks to my lying, cheating lowlife of an ex-husband. Fourteen friggin' years I gave to that scum sucking, bottom feeding pig when he decided to check out early with the blond bimbo from the bait shop in the village. I'm not bitter or anything. Really. So Brenda, the asshole's older sister had thought it might be awkward to invite me the past few years and she was probably right. But I hadn't seen my best friend in three years and it didn't seem fair to keep the kids from seeing their grandparents and cousins and there was no fucking way I was leaving them alone in the influence of Tom the Asshole and his idiot brothers.
So here I am, driving along with two zombie children in the back seat. I swear, the day each of them turned thirteen it was like they were abducted and replaced by two alien beings that see me as some evil overlord. Kyler at fifteen has developed a great attention span... as long as you happen to be a firmly built, semi-naked blond goddess. He's decided that he wants to spend more time getting to know his father, but it seems rather coincidental that Tom becomes just as undesirable as I when Miss Bait-Bimbo 2004 is out of the house. Tova at thirteen has this look that makes you question everything that you have ever said or done. She has also cut all complete words out of her vocabulary, choosing text-messaging codes instead.
Anyway, we pulled into the driveway and I knew almost immediately that my mantra had been correct. Tom's shiny new car was parked just ahead of where I pulled in. I thought seriously about just turning around then and there, but I had just barely stopped the car when I heard two doors slam and my kids were gone. There were only about a half dozen other cars in the driveway so it seemed that I might be able to gradually immerse myself in the stupidity that was to follow. I cautiously crept around the side of the cabin straight into Brenda's outstretched arms and suddenly it all seemed worthwhile. A warmer, sweeter woman than Brenda you could never hope to meet. Our joyful reunion was cut short however with a loud bang and raucous laughter from the backyard. Brenda giggled nervously, ran a hand through her graying flyaway hair, and disappeared around the back corner of the cabin. I took a deep breath and followed.
Three middle-aged men were crouched close around a smoldering garbage can. Apparently they had taken the empty lighter fluid container from the grill and threw it into the can with a lit coal to see what would happen. How these guys ever made it this far without blowing themselves up is beyond me. Big Mike, Brenda's husband was just rushing out of the cabin with a fire extinguisher in hand and a frazzled look on his face. Brenda had the look of a pre-school teacher unable to gain control over a class of over-caffeinated toddlers. A few sprays of the fire extinguisher, a warm greeting and kiss on the cheek for me and Big Mike was back at the grill, peering over the top at the childish men with a look like a hawk.
The three middle-aged men staggered back to the semi-circle of lawn chairs set up facing the lake. The oldest of the three was none other than my charming ex-husband. And, oh look! There's Miss Bait-Bimbo 2004! The second his butt was back in the chair next to her she had her arms wrapped around him. I have to admit that I was a little pleased that he seemed more interested in blowing shit up with his little brothers than spending time with her. He was now nursing a small burn on his forearm as the other two, Rick and Rob were having a deeply philosophical conversation about boobs, ("If there were no men on earth, would women's tits all be the same size?") I'm sure this made some sort of sense in their drunken stupor, but I decided not to pay too much attention at the risk of being sucked into intellectual oblivion.
Rick was the middle child of all five of the siblings. His ideal woman, as he was sure to announce at any get together, was "Three feet tall with no teeth and a flat head." Judging by the looks of the woman on his right, two out of three ain't bad. She had no teeth that I could see from my post near the back door of the cabin and her head did look a little on the flat side. Eight or nine children of were down at the beach with my own two alien children and I imagine that at least five of them were Rick's. Rob, God willing, will never be given the opportunity to reproduce and I think I'll leave it at that. Bonnie, the youngest of the siblings had not yet arrived. Brenda said that she expected her the following day along with her parents and a few aunts, uncles, and cousins.
"I'm so glad you're here," Brenda said sincerely, taking a rare moment to sit on the back step. "Big Mike's been on the grill all day and Michael's gone in to the village to pick up a few things. You're my only link to sanity, woman!" She clutched jokingly onto my arm at this point. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.
Ah, but it was too good to be true. The addition of a few cousins and a lot of liquor can make good things go really bad really quickly. A few more contained explosions, some really offensive jokes, and the constant parade of children rioting for attention made for a really fun afternoon. But the thing that irked me the most, and I know it shouldn't have, was the steadily rising voice of Miss Bait-Bimbo. It started with her announcing her engagement to Tom and showing off her new diamond ring (three times the size of the one he had given me, by the way, but who's comparing?). And as she seemed less and less capable of keeping the liquor in her glass, she became more and more interested in sharing every single detail of her sex life. "At least some of us know how to please a man," she stated firmly with a glance in my direction followed by a squeal of laughter. I decided at this point that it would be nice to do the dishes.
The cabin was cool and refreshing compared to the summer heat outside and I happily stood at the kitchen sink washing shiny clean holes in the paper plates while staring blankly out the window. "I'm going to go sit in the sun," Miss Bait-Bimbo announced. "It's colder than Kaye's tits over here." The boys roared with laughter. I scrubbed harder until I had only a handful of soapy pulp in my hands when a sudden voice in my ear made me jump about a foot in the air.
"You know, if there was any more plastic in that woman, we could wrap her up and sell her to a toy company," the deep voice said. I spun around, paper plate pulp flying in every direction. It took me a minute to recognize the man wiping pulp from his face. "Hello to you too, Aunt Kaye," he laughed. It was Brenda and Big Mike's son Michael. He had apparently just returned from the village and set the big paper grocery bags on the little countertop. I had to stand on tiptoes to fling my arms around his neck.
My little Michael! I had first met him at the first reunion to which Tom had brought me seventeen years ago. Michael had been three then, an adorable little boy with sandy brown hair and the brightest blue eyes. From that first meeting on, he and I were joined at the hip at every single reunion. I had watched this little guy grow to a very caring and observant boy to a painfully shy and gawky adolescent. And now here he stood, a gorgeous young man with the same sandy brown hair and the same bright blue eyes with no signs of the awkwardness of youth.
