As ever, I'd love to hear from fans of my work and if you take the trouble to message me, I will certainly do my best to reply as soon as possible. If you have anything positive and/or constructive to say, I would greatly appreciate it but if you can only be negative, please keep your comments to yourself.
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My name is Tracy and I was brought up at a time when marriage was for life and once you were married, you were always faithful. These were principles I was happy to adhere to, partly because they seemed common sense and partly because they were an intrinsic part of my Christian upbringing. My father was the local vicar where I grew up in Chichester and I suspect that this affected my experience with boys as a teenager taking my first tentative steps into the sexual world. For the most part, the boys who were interested in me were either 'good boys' who treated me like a porcelain doll or they were boys who wanted the challenge of trying to get somewhere with the vicar's daughter. The boys looking for a challenge were a bit more exciting if I'm honest because I at least gained some experience but I'd never let them go too far, if only because I didn't want to embarrass my father in the community where he worked.
I only really gained some measure of freedom at university where I wasn't known in relation to my father so it was there that I was able to finally start exploring my attraction to men. After some exciting fooling around with a few boyfriends I finally lost my virginity but in fairness, it was to the young man I would marry so I reasoned that I'd still been a good girl. We married when I was 23 years old and moved to Leeds. A year later, I gave birth to our son. I enjoyed our sex life and was perfectly content to live the rest of my life with this man but sadly my husband didn't share my sense of fidelity.
It was Christmas Eve when I found the tell-tale conversation on his laptop with his mistress and at that point I was 42 years old. I couldn't understand why he'd do such a thing to me but when I asked him about it, his response only further crushed my fragile ego. According to him, I was boring, especially in bed and I needed to 'push my boundaries', whatever that was supposed to mean! Sex was only ever in the missionary position because I liked the intimacy of looking at my husband and I always avoided oral sex because that seemed disgusting and wrong but I still thought he was happy.
I know the Christian thing to do would be to forgive him but I couldn't and it wasn't long before we were divorced, leaving me a single woman with an 18 year old son who was off to university to follow his own dreams. David was a fine looking and intelligent young man with an easy sense of humour and I had no doubt at all that he would be popular with the girls, though I never really noticed many girls in his life. With his father out of the picture, David became my sole focus in life and I loved him with all my heart.
I wish I could say I started having loads of dates and a great new sex life but I didn't. Initially this was because I had no self-confidence left after my husband betrayed me with another woman and I suppose that was always in the background but it was also a lack a of opportunity as well as a lack of desire. Plenty people tried to set me up on dates but with the exception of the odd fumble at the end of the night, it never amounted to anything. Before I knew it, I was 50 years old and struggling to make ends meet. Getting David through university had cost me everything I had but nothing was too much for my beautiful boy and any sacrifice I had to make for him was well worth it in my opinion. The trouble was that I was now struggling financially so I eventually concluded that I had no choice but to take in a lodger.
I had a number of people apply to be my lodger but I was nervous about allowing a stranger into my home, especially a man. I was far from convinced I could live with any of them! I spent a whole day interviewing possibilities with no luck at all and there was only one left so I decided that if he wasn't suitable, I would have to abandon the whole idea. The doorbell rang five minutes before the allotted time and at least this was promising as I like punctuality. Answering the door, I was faced with a handsome young man who vaguely reminded me of my own son, David. He was certainly a similar age, was approximately the same height, similar good build and the same dirty blonde hair but his hair was longer and his complexion darker. They didn't look like twins but I was missing David so much that the similarities did tend to stand out for me.
'I'm Mark,' he said in a friendly voice, 'I called earlier about the room.'
Yes, of course,' I replied, trying to sound calmer than I felt, 'do come in.'
He thanked me and I led him into the living room where I had some tea and biscuits prepared. Sitting in an armchair, he looked perfectly at home and his warm smile was making my heart flutter a little. How lonely must I have felt if a man who was simply a similar age and build to my son had such a profound effect on me?
'So, what are you doing in Leeds?' I asked.
'Work,' he replied in a matter-of-fact tone. 'You have to go where the work takes you these days and Leeds is a growing city with opportunities for an ambitious young man like me. I'm working with a construction company as a structural engineer and they've sent me to Leeds to pick up some experience as part of my ongoing training.'
'And how long will you be staying here?' I enquired.
'Probably about six months I'd imagine but it might be a little either side of that,' he answered. 'I'm sorry I can't be more precise at this stage but it depends how things go.'
We must have talked for about twenty minutes before he eventually left with me telling him I'd call the next day with my decision. I went to bed that night feeling very confused. Mark was certainly the best candidate of the day and I felt completely comfortable with him so that was very encouraging. I also liked the fact that he reminded me so much of David as more than anything, I wanted David to be home again but that was also the cause of my hesitation. Should I really be having a young man in my house and was it entirely wise being motivated by the fact he reminded me of my son? I churned this problem over and over in my mind all night but eventually came to the conclusion that I simply couldn't miss out on the income and I couldn't miss out on the chance to at least feel like David was closer to me.
I rang Mark the next day to give him the good news and by the end of the week he'd moved in and made himself at home. I couldn't resist the opportunity of putting Mark in David's old room rather than the smaller spare bedroom but it required an awkward conversation with David first. I rang him the same evening I offered the room to Mark.
'Hi Mum! Did you find that lodger you were looking for?' he asked.
Yes, I have and that's why I'm phoning,' I replied. 'I wanted to put him in your old room but I didn't want to do that without asking you first.'
'Oh, so you have a man staying with you!' he said, surprised. 'What will people say?'
