You'd think that after several years of forced (and then, less forced) isolation and 'screens', I'd be looking for to meeting people IRL. But no. I'm not really a people person. Not in real life anyway. I tolerate my family Thanksgiving and maybe over the Holidays. I have a selection of friends I might meet for a beer and/or pizza. Outside of that, the most meaningful non-virtual relationships in my life are with delivery persons. Don't ask me how I got to be this way. I've no clue. It's not something I set out to do. I guess I'm a product of my generation. Physically, I'm actually not bad looking (even if I do...), I'm pretty fit, but not obsessive. I have a sense of humor that people seem genuinely to warm to. I'm expressive. I have a decent knowledge of world events and a patchy sense of history. Oh, and my name's Ozzy, by the way. Short for Oswald. But if you call me that, I'll have to kill you.
The thing is, I've never met anyone I didn't like through screens. Or rather, everyone I've met through screens, I have liked. Except Ruby. Ruby just rubbed me up the wrong way from day one. She treated me like some neckbeard living in his momma's basement. But, I tell you girl, I was making this remote shit look good before most of you could spell pandemic.
Ruby, to me, existed only inside a rectangular box. She had a black bob, pale skin, thin, scowly face. Height? I'd guess 5'5" or 5'6". Body-type? She'd strike me as skinny-assed pixie bitch on calls, but who could tell? Age? Probably somewhere close to my mid-twenties, I guessed from the look of her face peering at me, scowling. I was chill and at my most convivial on screen, whereas she was intense and rude. Especially to me. Don't just take my word for it, half the company would bitch with me about what a dragon she was to me. I'm not sure everyone thought it was entirely her fault, however, as I caught sight of a meme doing the rounds that showed the two of us in cartoon form reenacting 'in real life' the rather more infamous Oswald and Ruby meeting. Don't get me wrong, Ruby was exceptional at her job, and that was essential for me to do mine. But it worked definitely in spite of her rather than because of her.
Anyway, this simmering feud had been progressing for a number of years and resulted in many an email on both sides being sent to HR. Nothing was ever done about it and we were continually teamed together even though everyone knew we would rapidly butt heads. Roll on the arrival of mandatory anchor days in the office. I managed to avoid them like the plague, but eventually they caught up with me. I was officially requested (only not so politely) to show up at the office the following Friday or to feel free to tender my resignation. I arrived before 9am.
Thankfully, I managed to locate my work id. Security insisted on forensically studying it, hissing through their teeth, and remarking how they'd never seen me before. This did little to warm me to the ways of the office dweller. Anyhoo, off I toddled to find the desk that had been allocated to me. Fifth floor, back left, no window. Anonymous as I could select. I should have spotted immediately that something was up. Apart from security, I didn't see a soul in the building. Even the coffee station, normally the buzzing heart of the building (if I remembered correctly) was unoccupied. Anyway, I hadn't been in in the office for so long, I never even noticed.
I was at my desk for an hour and a half before my first video call. My fellow colleagues held it together on the call for the first ten minutes. Then slowly, smiles spread across their faces. It took me a few minutes to realize something was going on. By that time, they were openly laughing at me, and I knew something was up. Eventually, they came clean. Friday had been a designated work from home day across the organization. Because I wasn't in to get the hard copy of the memo, I'd been duped into coming in (I rarely read the official emails we got a dozen an hour) -- and was the only one in the building bar security!
I was busily packing my gear away after the call to head homeward when I realized I had one more meeting scheduled that would occur on my ride back across town if I left now. And it was with Ruby. I just knew she be all over me if I missed it. So, I unpacked my gear and grabbed an early lunch. I made it back to the office with minutes to spare. Soon, I was dialing in, dreading the next half hour's sparring with Beelzebub.
I arrived on the call first and waited for her arrive. She was late. When she eventually appeared ten minutes late, she was breathless and looked in foul form.
"Oh, it's you." She puffed.
"You were expecting maybe Tom Cruise?"
She went on the offensive. Even more offensively than usual.
"Listen, dickbrain, I've far more important things to be doing than nursemaiding you through your job. There are things going on in this org that would make your tiny mind shatter."
"Jesus, Ruby. Lighten the fuck. This is heavy-handed even by your usual standards."
"Ozzy. You know I can't stand you. I think I've made that abundantly clear."
"The feeling's mutual, Ruby." I sniled back (half smile/half snarl), thankful this call wasn't being recorded.
"There are, however," she continued obliviously, "thing going down today that impact directly on you and me. And I really care about me, regardless my absolute apathy for your wellbeing."
"You've lost me."
"Not surprising."
My mouth opened to respond, but in fairness, I'd set myself up for that one, she could have the point.
"You won't have received the email yet."
"What email?"
"It's circulating at board level at the moment. An ally there leaked it to me."
"What is it?" She had piqued my interest.
"You know that billionaire that sits in the big chair?"
"Uh-huh." I responded. You couldn't miss seeing her face on the company website.
"Well, she's just decided that as our major competitors have laid off between 5 and 25% of their workforces, we should do the same so as not to make the C-suite appear weak."
"But we're flying it? Profit forecast is off the charts."
"Listen, grunt, I'm not about to get into the ins and outs of the fragile ego of the sociopath and the power they wield in the upper echelons of the Fortune 500. Suffice it to say, I've had a head's up that may just enable me to keep my job. And if you do exactly what I say, you may manage to hang on to yours too."
"Bullshit."
"I know we don't get along. So, I'm going to let that slide. But I really, really need you to take your tiny dick out of this equation. I'm happy to let you hang out to dry, but it makes life easier for me if you work with me to secure our careers."
"When's the last time you offered to help me do anything?"
"When's the last time you had to cash in a food stamp?"
Mad bitch was loving this.
"Ok, I get it. What do you want me to do?"
"Exactly what I say. Ok?"
Grudgingly I said "ok." And surprised myself that I actually meant it.
She outlined a couple of hours work for me, upscaling certain projects, minimizing underperforming accounts, a little bit of slick accounting, some underhand hospital passes."
"Zasha Grundeweld?" Ruby asked me on a call later that afternoon.
"What about her?"
"Do you think she's any good?"
In my brain, I said 'clarify good': she was a six-foot Scandy type with massive breasts and a cinched waist who wore inappropriately revealing outfits and, occasionally, trousers that I'd fantasized about getting into for months now.
Instead, I said.
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"Because fuck her and her career. You and I are going to make her and her department, up and down, the fall guys. Shutting her vertical should account for a good 5% cut."
