New and Different

Although he had thought about it so much over the years, he was just not prepared for it. He ran the scenario over and over in his head and he could always be suave, witty, charismatic, and romantic. But when it actually happened he was like a deer in the headlights. The softness of her hand on his at first nearly overwhelmed him because for so long he had wanted to know what she felt like. And now that it finally had happened it was so much different than he imagined.

Her hand was a lot softer than he ever thought. Her skin was yielding from frequent use of moisturizers and washings due to her job. He never really thought much about her nails before but seeing her French manicure up close gave him a new appreciation. He just enjoyed the radiating warmth coming from her hand. It was a new experience; one that promised to be the first of many.

He wasn't sure of what to say. He knew what he had wanted to say for years when thinking of this moment, but all of those things had simply ran into the furthest recesses of his mind and hid away. Perhaps there simply was nothing to say. Maybe he didn't need to say anything at all. He knew deep down that words were superficial and that what really mattered in a moment like this was not ruining it by saying something stupid and unnecessary.

She looked him over time and again which almost made him feel on display. Although he was not at all uncomfortable with the notion of her eyes wandering over him and studying his face, it was far more different than he thought it would be. He wasn't sure what to do with his own eyes. Whenever his eyes met hers he felt a peculiar flutter in his heart. He would only hold the eye contact for a brief moment before needing to look away out of fear of his heart exploding within his chest. Part of him wanted to shrink away from the scrutiny, but the inner exhibitionist wanted to proceed.

The thoughts that were running through his mind were temporarily disrupted when she shifted her position slightly. She curled her legs up beneath her on the couch and leaned heavily against the back of it. Her hand moved up his arm slightly, just barely brushing against the light hairs dotting his skin which set his nerves on end. He found it a tad bit difficult to breathe comfortably.

His eyes darted from one part of her body to the next. The curve of her hip to the bend in her knee, the angle of her shoulder to the crook of her neck, the slight bulge of her collarbone beneath her shirt to the swells just below. He didn't look for very long due to his face feeling hot and he didn't want to come across as a pig. Though, she did look a lot better than the image he had created around her couple pictures. She looked a lot more real.

Her polished and well-manicured fingernails scraped against his forearm gently which gave him goose bumps. No amount of mental preparation could truly make him ready for her actual touch. Dryness filled his mouth and his skeleton was ready to crawl its way out of his body and run away. It wasn't like him to be nervous in almost any situation. Then why this one? He chastised himself to get a grip and be a man. She was only the most important woman in his mind and the person he loved the most. No pressure. Part of him knew that he needed to be careful and respectful out of fear of embarrassing or disrespecting her and another part of him knew that she loved him enough to not really care about what he said or did. He could probably get away with murder and she would be alright with it. But it was hard to convince one half of his mind with the other's opinion and instead he sat there on the couch locked in mental debate while her hand felt his arm.

The couch gave the slightest squeak as she shifted her weight forward, leaning closer to his body. He needed to get a grip, he knew. She was probably just as nervous, or maybe more. In spite of her experience compared to the lack of his, he had usually remained more level-headed when facing difficult to answer questions about their relationship. This must be hard for her. He needed to take some control over the situation to show that he was not just all talk. Sure it was easy to be assertive long-distance, but this was the real thing and it was much more difficult.

If he could just muster up the strength to do this one thing then he knew everything following would be that much easier. He had been in somewhat similar situations and far more dangerous and life-threatening ones before, but none of them really compared to this. This was completely new because she was the woman that he had known for so many years, who had been his best friend for so many years, who he loved with all of his heart.

Gathering up all of the possible strength from all of the furthest recesses deep within his body and soul he forced himself to look into her eyes. They were beautiful to him, though she would like to disagree. He moved his own hand and brought it to rest on her shoulder next to the crook of her neck. Her shirt felt a lot smoother, silkier than it looked and he could feel her body heat against the palm of his hand which was almost more than enough to make him lose his nerve altogether. Her body gave an almost imperceptible shiver upon contact which showed to him that she was in fact just as nervous as he was.

* * *

Words had failed earlier, too. He really had no idea what to expect anymore. For years and years he told himself different things about what would happen when this finally happened; what would happen when they finally met after so many years of long-distance. His thoughts always shifted from one thing to another, always trying to create a more rational and logical situation that would occur. But when it did finally happen, those thoughts vanished like dust in the wind.

The front door looked completely different than he had pictured which sent a shudder through his chest. If something as simple as a door was so different and alien, then what about her? He stood there and stared at the door stupidly for a long moment, not entirely sure what to do. Should he knock? Should he use the doorbell? Should he just open it and go in? His heart raced faster and faster as his nerves stood on end to let him know that he is encountering something completely new and strange. However, the thought of turning back and leaving had never entered his mind.

Just standing there, he let the indescribable feeling of unknowingness wash over him. Was this the way it would always be when it came to her? He shook his head. Of course not. This was just something new and different. New and different is not necessarily bad, just new and different. Everything that is new and different eventually becomes known and familiar. That is how their relationship had progressed over the years. First becoming friends had given him the same feeling that this was something new and different and it scared him a little. When he found out that she had feelings for him, and more so yet that he had feelings for her, that was something new and different and it scared him a lot. But with a little time those things became less menacing and alien and had become familiar enough to the point where he could safely say that he was in control of himself. But he couldn't say that right now.

His breathing came in short and fast waves as his pulse raced. How could just a door cause such trouble? He looked around. It wasn't just the door. The whole house, the bushes and plants, the neighborhood, everything looked different than he imagined. New and different.

He was being silly. He knew better. This wasn't like walking to the electric chair after the final meal. This wasn't even like being naked on stage in front of a large crowd. This was just finally meeting someone he loved face to face. He knew there would be differences in them both as well as differences in what his perceived mental image was, but he told himself that he could handle it. He mustered up enough courage to finally decide on knocking on the door. Ringing the doorbell would feel too much like a blind date and he decided it would seem too disrespectful to just walk in.

The wait was agonizing. The seconds after the knocking just seemed to drag on by at a snail's pace. His heart was jumping and his stomach was doing hoolahoops. He felt like he was going to be sick. Maybe she wouldn't open the door. Maybe she had changed her mind and decided that she would rather not meet him face to face. She was probably nervous, too. It was a gigantic leap in their relationship into new and different territory and it was doubtful that either one of them knew what was going to happen exactly.

After what seemed like two and a quarter decades, he heard approaching footsteps on the other side of the door. Those footsteps made his heart clench painfully in his chest and he sucked in his breath sharply. It was finally going to happen. The door opened.

In a sense, he was both incredibly relieved and just the tiniest bit let down. She was there, standing in the door way and he could finally, after so long, lay his eyes on her for himself. In a way she was right about what she had constantly warned him about. The difference in age was more apparent than in his mind, but at the same time it just didn't really matter to him because she looked better in her realness than she did in his fantasy. Although her hair was lighter red, almost blondish if the light hits it in such a way, than he imagined, he still thought it was incredibly beautiful. She was exactly as tall as he knew she would be, the top of her head coming just below his chin. Her face held some lines, but still looked beautiful to him. Although he had seen her in pictures and on camera before, seeing her fully and for real was just something that his eyes were not used to. Even the shirt and slacks she was wearing didn't quite match up with what he had imagined. But there she was.

No words were spoken. None were needed to be spoken. It was the final gap in the relationship to be crossed. It was time to face the real reality. She looked at his eyes which made his face feel warm and his cheeks turned a bit red. He couldn't tell what she was thinking. Her face didn't betray enough emotion to tell except that her eyes were glistening and ready to overflow with tears but he didn't know if they would be tears of joy or tears of sadness. Tears of joy from finally seeing him face to face or tears of sadness upon realizing that he isn't as good as she had thought. He just didn't know. But after a moment of looking at one another, she finally stepped forward and put her arms around him and hugged him close. Instinctively he put his arms around her, too. The feel of her warm body against him was surprising. He was hugging the woman that he loved so much. He could smell the fragrance of the shampoo and conditioner she used in her hair mixed with a tint of perfume that he couldn't recognize. The sight of her, the feel of her, the smell of her, everything was new and different.

* * *

His hand on her shoulder trembled. He hoped that she didn't notice how jittery he was. Even if she did, though, it was doubtful that she would particularly care. Her shirt was incredibly satiny and he couldn't help but to feel it with his fingers, though he tried not to make the movement particularly bold or noticeable.

Her body almost imperceptibly drifted closer to his until her face was right in front of his. Nothing in his imagination could have prepared him for seeing her so up close and intimate. It was all real and he simply couldn't believe that he was finally with her. He didn't have the nerve to close the final small gap. He was afraid that if he moved he would frighten her off or that he might do something stupid like bump his head against hers. Luckily, he didn't have to do anything.

She closed that final gap, leaning in slightly more until her lips lightly brushed against his. His heart went through his esophagus at the contact and the back of his neck felt incredibly tingly. Her lips were absolutely nothing like he could ever possibly imagine. They were soft, warm, and even though they just very barely brushed against his, he could feel their moistness. After the tiniest of lip touches, she pulled away just slightly. Her hand on his arm didn't move, nor did his hand on her shoulder. They just looked at each other as if neither knew exactly how to proceed.

With his heart beating uncontrollably in his chest, he forced himself to breath through his nose. She moved in once more and her lips pressed against his a little more than previous to the point where it could actually be considered a kiss. The texture of her lips was new and different and he found that he absolutely loved the feeling. He found his lips responding almost by themselves by pushing forward ever so slightly, his top lip nestling between her lips. His mouth felt dry and he hoped that his lips weren't. Her lips weren't. They tasted slightly of lip gloss.

They held the kiss for a long time; their mouths staying mostly still save for the occasional shift to feel a different part of one another's lips. He could feel the warm air when she slightly parted her lips. Her breath smelled of mint and it felt particularly pleasant against his skin. It was something new and different that he could definitely get used to.

The longer the kiss went on, the more comfortable he felt. His heart rate had slowed enough to the point where it didn't feel like it was going to spontaneously combust. He wasn't sure where to focus his eyes during the kiss so he just closed them and focused on the sensation her lips brought.

He gave a slight jump when he felt her firm hand on his leg. It was a rapid progression that he was not prepared for, but didn't entirely mind. He knew that her superior experience would help guide the whole situation. Her hand on his leg had even emboldened him enough to move his own hand several inches so that it rested lightly against the side of her neck. Her skin was soft and yielding and he could feel her pulse. It was rapid, too.

The very notion of the woman he had loved for so long finally kissing him and touching him had always made him feel a bit weak around the knees and gave him butterflies in his stomach, but it finally happening had more than tripled those sensations. He felt like he was going to be sick but at the same time he didn't want to stop at any cost. Her nose brushed against his as she deepened the kiss. The closeness was not something he was ever familiar with. But he didn't have much time to dwell on that because he felt the tip of her tongue push between his lips.

This, too, was very new and different. He could barely feel his own body from the neck down due to raw nerves but he could feel every single curve, crevice, and texture of her tongue as it slid past his lips and into his mouth. He could taste the mint on her tongue. Although the way her tongue brushed against his teeth felt intrusive, seeing as it was something he was not particularly familiar with, he felt a sense of intimacy with her that he had never known before. He didn't mind her tongue at all and in fact welcomed it once he managed to rattle his brain enough to react to it.

He found his own tongue brushing against hers. He played with her tongue gently in his mouth, getting the feel of it and trying to delve into the back of his mind for some sort of experience that he could use. His tongue slid along the underside of hers, pushing it against the roof of his mouth before backing off enough to let his tongue slide along the top of hers. It was slippery, warm, and tasted good enough to start driving him a little crazy.

As he slid his tongue along the top of hers, she withdrew hers back into her own mouth very slowly as to not lose contact with his, but instead drawing his into her mouth. This was also very new to him. He felt her teeth brush against the top and bottom of his tongue as it slipped past her parted lips. Her tongue began to swirl around the tip of his and he found that he rather enjoyed the taste of her.

The kissing had melted away a large portion of his raw nerves and he found that he could move his hand down her back. He felt the back strap of her bra beneath her shirt against his fingers. That was something new and different for him, too. It was all different and new for him and he wasn't sure just how far he had intended to go. Granted he knew her for years and years, but this was the first real time seeing her. He didn't want to screw up their relationship, but he also wanted to keep going. He was confused and didn't know what to do. But luckily, once more, he didn't have to think about it.

He felt the pressure of her hand pressing against the top part of his inner thigh, moving in a slow circle against his pants. She moved her head away from his, his tongue slipping from her mouth. There was a single strand of saliva connecting his lip to hers. She didn't seem to mind it, and neither did he. Her eyes were glistening once more, but she didn't look particularly sad. She moved herself closer to him and her lips nestled on the side of his neck. The raw sensation made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. She sucked on his skin and lightly nipped it between her teeth. He was glad for her experience. It felt strange and new, but very pleasant.

Her hand had finally settled over the bulge in his pants. She gently put pressure against it which sent wave upon wave of nerve-addled pleasure through his body. He always knew that she was good and that her touch would be good, but he didn't know just how good it really would be.

The softness of her breath tickled his neck between her kisses and slow licks. He simply tilted his head back and closed his eyes and allowed his hand to travel lower to the bottom of her shirt. He had relatively few qualms at this point about sliding his hand beneath the back of her shirt to feel her skin. She was incredibly smooth to the touch and ever so warm. He lightly scraped his nails along the small of her back.

She straightened her back and moved her head away from his neck. He looked at her. In his imagination or in real life there was absolutely no mistaken the look of desire and lust. Her lips met his once more as her fingers fiddled with the button and fly of his pants, finally getting them open. The kiss was not timid this time, as it was the first, and she hungrily drove her tongue into his mouth which was met with an almost equal vigor by his tongue. He might not have had the experience, but he had the enthusiasm and the love for her.

Her hand slid into the opening in his pants and beneath his boxers. He jumped and almost yelped when her fingers slid against his hard erection. This, too, was something new and unfamiliar. Her hand was so warm, so smooth that his erection jerked at the first touch. He could feel his brain turning off and the more primal and lustful aspects taking over so that he wouldn't have to think or be nervous at all. They both knew what they wanted and it was doubtful that either one of them minded giving it to the other.

She broke the kiss. The sweetness of her breath made him aware of just how truly close they were. She lifted one leg and put it over his lap and then straightened out the rest of her body so that she was straddling his legs. She was taller than he was in this position so he had to look up at her. She really was beautiful to him. Her hands went to the bottom of her shirt and she pulled it upwards. Her stomach came into view, her belly button, her ribcage, her bra-covered breasts, her collarbone, and then she finally slid it up off her arms and tossed it aside.

The heartbeat in his chest elevated rapidly. He had imagined so many times what it would be like to see her naked and it was happening and it was far better than he could have ever thought. Although in fantasy her body was perfectly flawless, in reality her body was perfectly real and that excited him more. His trembling hands were guided by hers until they were placed on either side of her ribs. She put one arm on his shoulder and let her other hand almost absently fondle his hardened shaft in his pants.