He stroked my hair gently. "Come, my dear. Let's shower and get ready for what I'm sure will be an eventful night..."
In the shower, Lars and I washed each other under the cool water. With soaped hands, we cleaned and learned about one another, committing to memory the curves and edges of the other's body.
Holding me in his arms, Lars entered me slowly and our two bodies connected, becoming one. We made love against the cold tiles, not only for release but also for reassurance and comfort; to know we were doing the right thing against the odds.
"Oh god, Liana," Lars' breath sent chills against my neck as he whispered, almost begging. "I didn't know I needed you."
Our lovemaking was desperate. We clutched at each other, nails digging in to skin, trying to pour the affection and need we felt into our actions.
"I'm yours," I sighed as I tightened around him. "Lars, I'm just yours."
He claimed my mouth in a hot and overpowering kiss as he came, pressing against me until our breath become laboured.
The rest of our shower was spent in affectionate silence. What was left to say? We had both made our choice but neither of us could be certain that the other would stand by it in the face of the family. It wouldn't be easy to stay strong when it came down to the wire. There would be plenty of talking to do later.
We dried and dressed and I followed Lars down into the kitchen to help him finish cooking. The rest of the family were expected home with in the hour. My stomach was so tied up in knots, I thought I was going to be sick.
Lars' hand rubbed comfortingly up and down my spine and sent a cold shiver through me.
"Are you alright my dear?" His eyebrows were knotted with concern.
"Not really." I answered truthfully, carefully setting aside the large knife and carrots I had been charged with. "I don't know how I am going to go through with this. I just want to be on the other end of this situation, you know? I want to wake up with you beside me and tonight well behind us."
"I know what you mean." Lars leaned in to kiss the side of my forehead. "But nothing worthwhile comes easily. And Liana, I know that you are worth everything." He kissed me again and held me tightly in his arms.
My heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest. Was it possible to fall in love this way? Is that what I was feeling? On top of everything that Lars and I had been through, would it be too much to vocalise this as well? I felt a glow as I looked up into Lars' eyes, and I knew right away that I didn't need to say a thing, not just then.
We worked well together trying to finish dinner in time, and although the air between us was comfortable, there was a growing tension. We didn't know how we were going to tell the family what we needed to, just that we would. Lars and I agreed that he would broach the topic after dinner, since he was the head of the family and, aside from Jack, I had only known every body else for the better part of 24 hours.
All too soon, the front door opened and the sounds of the rest of the family flooded the house. I felt Jack before I heard him, when he wrapped his arms around my waist. My whole body stiffened.
"Hello you. You did get a bit brown, didn't you?" He said as he playfully kissed my shoulder.
I didn't dare open my mouth to speak out of fear that I would cry, but I ended up making a soft, non-committal grunt instead. I looked over at Lars, who was watching us like a hawk.
Jack turned my body so that I faced him, his eyes searching mine.
"Are you ok? Are you mad that I went off with out you?"
Oh shit. The shame I felt at that moment was deeper than anything that I had felt before. He thought I was mad because he went out and here I was, making plans to run away with his father. Goddamn it.
I took a deep breath before I answered him, trying to muster as much enthusiasm as possible.
"I'm fine, Jack, just a little tired. Why don't you jump in the shower? Dinner will be ready soon."
He eyed me off warily but kissed my forehead softly before heading upstairs to get ready for dinner. Despite Gavin and Sarah taking the girls to tidy up, Lars and I still weren't alone, with Joey and Peter sitting at the kitchen bench opening a bottle of wine for us all. It was as if Lars could read my mind.
"Boys, would you mind terribly if I asked you to set the table? Liana and I still have a little too much cooking to do in the meantime." Lars asked, sounding almost absent minded.
As soon as Peter and Joey left the kitchen, Lars turned on me.
"You can still back out, Liana. I would understand." Lars' voice was calm and even but heartache was clear in his eyes.
"Shut up. Just help me get through tonight, ok?" I grabbed his hand and gave it a hard squeeze.
Lars tugged gently at my hand and gave me a small smile, turning back to his cooking.
While the girls ran around the house with Joey and Peter in tow, Gavin, Sarah and Jack stood around in the kitchen with Lars and I, all of us with wine in hand. Having some sort of blood alcohol reading helped me to lighten up, making it easier for me not to tense up when Jack put his arm around me, easier to laugh and make conversation. The wine didn't stop the feeling that I was hurtling towards an uncertain future, and didn't numb that fear. The feeling only intensified, dizzying me, as Lars' voice rang out to call everyone to dinner.
With the chaos of platters being taken to the table and children running between our legs, I was separated from Lars and Jack at the dining table, something that I was thankful for, and that also increased my anxiety a thousand fold. I sat with Livvy on one side of me and Joey on the other, facing Jack, who kept smiling at me sweetly.
Everybody ploughed into their meals, except for Lars and I, both of us picking at the meagre amount of food we had out on our plates. The chatter and laughter at the table was so loud, everybody so much enjoying themselves, that our lost appetite went unnoticed. Almost unnoticed.
